I want to share my experience about when I found out that my husband was on a dating site. Of course I was upset, but instead of confronting him about it, I turned it into a positive. We had just recently separated, but made a promise to each other that we wouldn't involve other people until we knew that the marriage was definitely over. So this is what I did- I made a profile on the same site and started chatting to him. Within days, he was hooked on the woman that I had created. He started telling her about all the things that were bothering him about his wife (which I knew nothing of). He told me that he believed that she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder because his mum had put it in his head. I started giving him some advice about it and completely made him change his views on me as his wife. He instantly got on the phone to his mum and asked her not to give her opinions anymore, as she was clouding his judgment. Within days, he was becoming a lot more responsive to me (as his wife) and started talking about his feelings more. I continued to chat with him on the site and managed to get him to look at himself instead of blaming me (as his wife) for his emotional issues. Within weeks, he had moved back in with me and the kids, and his whole attitude changed. He has become more communicative, loving, trusting and our arguments have stopped because he is no longer holding on to the feelings and concerns that he had. TRUST ME, IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID!
Hey mego, just wondering if you had that chat yet with your hubby. Hope all is well.
Oh no mego I'm so sorry girl. I know how you are feeling because a betrayal of trust can come in many forms. It just s ucks that you are now conflicted on how to approach him. Part of me would be running over to him and be screaming at him and another part would be wanting to see how far he takes this whole thing. Do you want to catch him and work on your marital issues before anything happens? He hasn't done anything but the intentions are there and that's not good. I know myself and I know that I can't hold that stuff in but if you don't have some solid stuff he may turn it back on you or have a good excuse. If he's really determined to save the marriage he will go to therapy. I'm here if you need to talk whether on the forum or in private. Good luck sweetie.
Thanks mami. For once i'm glad he's sleeping in today, because i don't know if i'll go psycho b*tch when he wakes up or if i can hold it in. Right now i'm leaning towards psycho b*tch so i really need time to calm down.
I definitely know i do not want to let it go and wait until something does happen. I just already feel so betrayed even knowing he hasn't even logged into the site or done anything yet. Of course this just brings up all kinds of thoughts and questions in my mind like if he has resorted to looking online for women in this area, does that mean he's already tried to find them in person?? He goes out occasionally with friends from work for drinks after work, so what was he doing then? was he really going for drinks or looking for a woman?!? Or hell there is a women in the office who several of his co workers have told me likes to go around and try to get unavailable guys.
God, i'm driving my self crazy! And then if i do actually confront him and ask him all this, how can i know he's telling the truth? And if by some miracle he does tell the truth, what if it's worse than him just signing up for a sex dating site?? What if that's the tip of the iceberg, then what the heck am i going to do?
I just really really want to go in the bedroom and punch him right now!! I hate all these thoughts and questions that are floating around, and I haven't even found anything concrete and i'm already messed up over it!
I'm so sorry you're going through this :(. i have a question though...is his login name/password something you would be able to recognize as exclusively his? i say this because about 2 months ago I found some emails in my husband's email account saying "josh! welcome to the married sex dating site! married women in your area, waiting to have an affair!" i flipped out on his ***. he denied it staunchly, and it was weird but he really didn't seem to be lying!!!!
about one week later I logged into MY email account and found "Ivy! welcome to the married sex dating site! married men in your area waiting to have an affair!" and it was dated earlier than the email my husband had received (so i know that he didn't go on the site and sign me up just to throw me off his trail), so i realized that it was just some really weird spam. so you might want to think about whether his "login info" seems like something he really would use, or if it seems like some spam crap that they might send to someone....
i don't know, but I know how very hurt I was when I thought that my husband had done that....I would confront him about it, and tell him that he has got to figure this out or your marriage will not work. not that you'll divorce him, but that it will ruin any sort of trust and/or communication between you, and he needs to find a way for you to trust him.
poor thing...I'm here for you sweetie, I hope everything turns out to be a misunderstanding but if not, you let his *** have it!
Oh my gosh----- guess what happened to me. At Christmas I was looking for this thing for my son---- a pretend doctors emergency crash cart (lol) and couldn't find one that wasn't super expensive. So I was on Ebay and at the bottom of the page they have sponsored links and I see "free kid's medical cart" . . . huh, I should have known better. But I went to the site and typed in information (I know, I am so dumb) . . . by the time I realized what I had done . . . and went back to the begining pages and erased all my info . . . the spams started coming. I mean---- I got 60 that first day. Now I only get about 10 in my spam folder but some of those are actually those types of meet local websites now that I think about it. I just erase the whole folder, so I've never opened them but I do remember seeing it in there and thinking "yikes!"--- what have I done to myself here.
What if he really did go to a porn site and join with his info and he then got sent phishing emails or texts? That is a huge maybe . . . but it is possible.
So I am thinking that I would take deep calming breaths and wait until your kids are napping or asleep tonight and say---- let's talk. Ask him if there is anything in your marriage that would make him unhappy and want to cheat? That is old therapist lingo for trying to get to the subject without putting him on the defensive. It opens up discussion in a way that doesn't feel like he is about to be crusified (which if he really did join such a site and was planning on doing something about it . . . then he'd deserve to be . . .) See where that conversation takes you. If you try really hard as I know this would be so hard for me . . . but you try really hard to approach the conversation as you are concerned for your marriage rather than he's in major trouble . . . you will most likely get farther. I say that knowing how terribly hard that is to actually do.
I wish you so much luck here and am sorry this has happened.
Did you log in and read the profile? Does he have a picture up? I agree with Ashelen sometimes there are crazy spam out there. I understand your feelings of doubt and they are completely normal. You will constantly rack your brain now. Do you have access to his phone bill and all that stuff? You could do some more mini investigating.
I checked out the site, i didn't log in or anything, but it says on the home page, where you sign up that your password will be sent to your email address so you can log in for the first time. The user name is just his email address without the @yahoo.com part. Now this could just be a spam or not because that user id is the same thing he uses for everything. The email he received(he gets alerts on his phone for new emails and texts) could possibly be spam, but it could also be just a normal email from them.
I went and re checked the site and the options you choose on the sign up screen disturb me. it asks what you are looking for and here are the options: Erotic Email, Discreet Relationship, Erotic Photo Exchange, Just Naughty Fun....
So it's basically for sex and not for real dating.
Well i went through the sign up process and everything to see what email they will send me, if it will be the same or not. Well i had to actually create a profile and user name and blah blah blah, and then after doing so, the site tells me that my password will be sent to my email address and that the account will not be fully active until i get my password and log in for the first time.
Checked my email. It is exactly the same as what my husband received, so he had to have gone through created a profile and entered what he was looking for and all that, so that he could receive his password via email. I even tried just not entering profile info and just leaving it sit and waiting but they never sent an email until i included details(fake for me) about who i was and who i was looking for and then submitted my profile info.
So now i guess i know it's not just a spam email. He must have created an account and profile and the account is just waiting for him to log in again with the random password they send in the emails.
oh and i have full access to everything of his, bank records, phone records credit card info, everything. When he went over seas, he put me on all his accounts as I would need to pay all the bills while he was away because he didn't have internet access to pay and the time zones were messed up, so I can check all that out.
I still have no idea what I am going to do. I'll try that general conversation starter form you specialmom, although with my husband i doubt it will go anywhere because he's not a big talker and it's hard to get him to come out and say what he thinks, at least that's how it is when in the past I have tried to have the big "let's talk" marriage conversations.
Megochick . you are a good detective. With that information, I doubt it is a spam email as well. Poop. I would still try to wait until the kids aren't present to have the conversation . . . and deadly calm is very disarming to people. A communication trick is to ask an open ended question and then stay silent. It makes people very nervous and they often start rambling. You can get a lot of extra information that way. I have a habit when I'm ticked to go off and let it rip . . . when I'm quiet----- my husband starts backpeddling and talking a lot because he is nervous by my reaction. That is just an FYI and whatever way you handle it is going to be your way and right for you. Men can be so stupid sometimes. grrrr.
I also am not anti porn but this is the kind of thing that can happen . . . someone gets caught up in it and they start to have a hard time seperating themselves from it and think they want to go further with it or act it out. Doesn't happen to everyone but when it does, it has bad consequences on their REAL relationships.
Good luck------ and peace.
In my experience I have found that they won't be upfront and honest unless they have been caught in something. I tried having that heartfelt convo with my fiancé when I suspected him of cheating. I cried and asked him honestly if he was cheating. I said I felt something and I know we were a strong enough couple to work through it I just needed him to be honest with me. And even after that he still denied it. When he was caught though he had no choice but to sing like a canary. I have huge doubts your husband would come clean with you until you put the evidence down infront of him. If I were you I would wait and see if he logs in and what happens. I just don't get how he could be dumb enough to do all this using his real email while knowing you have his passwords. At least be creative and use a secondary email account. It makes me wonder if in a way he wants to get caught or something. When I caught my fiancé it was because he was locked up for having a suspended license and when my mom went to the precinct to get the keys for the car he gave her his cell phone. I mean why do that, why not have the cops confiscate it? You have to know I would go through it and catch you. It was like he wanted to have it out in the open subconsciously. Maybe your husband is struggling with some dark demons and doesn't know how to get help and so he did this knowing you would catch him. I don't know maybe I'm reaching to far with this one. Hope you get some answers soon.
I'm going to try once the kids are asleep and have a normal let's talk talk. Maybe i should try to just shut up and let him talk, because i'm usually the one who does all the talking and then he either agrees or disagrees. So i'll try that tonight, just to see if he'll give me any clue as to what the f*ck he thinks he's doing.
Mami, I completely see what you're saying. He used his regular everyday email address(he has 3 emails), which i have the passwords to ALL his accounts anyways(given to me freely by him when he went overseas) but on top of that idiocy he also used the email account that is linked with his blackberry phone, which both he and I know sends out alerts every time he gets a new email, and then when you just pull out the phone form the protector it opens the email right up as it's the last thing to come into the phone. Which incidental is how i saw the email. I didn't go snooping at all, his phone vibrated, i thought maybe someone was calling, took the phone out of the protector and up pops the email for the sex dating site saying welcome!
I'm mean how stupid can you be? Like i'm never going to see that? He frequently has me check the messages on the phone if it vibrates and he's on the computer or more than 3 feet away from it, so if he expected to hide it for long, I really married a moron.
Of course it does make me feel better that he obviously isn't the smartest at hiding things, because you bet after I saw that email, i checked out his text messages, his phone calls his other emails everything i could. I am not about to confront him with this with out checking through everything so i can be prepared as can be because knowing him(well men in general) I know he's not just going to spit out the truth if he thinks he can get away with it.
Ugh i guess i'm out of my sad phase and back to pissed. Now just got to calm down so I can just generally and unsuspiciously ask him if he thinks our marriage is going good and what i can change to make it better or what we both can do.
Oh and as a plus note, i decided to add a keystroke program to the computer, i'm not taking any chances here at all. He's not the only one who can be sneaky in this house
I think if you tell him what you know he will be sneakier so just make sure you get whatever info you need before the confrontation. I'm sorry I know how painful this all is. You will have many different emotions for awhile. Why do people always take chances on their relationships? Its so frustrating!
I am sorry to hear about your huseband being up to no good. Confront him on this!! In my view, there is no excuse for cheating. I understand your upset, and its happend to me before. It is up to you of wether you want to repair of what he did to you or leave him.. If i was in a realionship and i found out my spouse strayed, thats it.. Once a cheater, always a cheater. He made an account on a dating website! The man you are married to is doing this!! I wonder if he's met anyone off that site.. I know im blunt, but ask him why he's in this site. Watch how he answers, it'll tell the story there.
My first response would be to wake him up and put him right on the spot, "What's this"? OR "keep it on the down low", so to speak. Give him the benefit of the doubt and wait and see if he dares respond to it. I would monitor it and see what choice or decision he makes.....log on and become an active member or just blow it off as unimportant, BUT at the right time, definately confront him with him, so he knows that you are on to him and he can't get away with crap like that. Good luck, Judy
It sounds like he broke the trust between the two of you before now. Once that happens we live on high alert all the time, wondering if what we are being told is the truth. I would confront him if you find that there is a charge on the credit card, bet even if there is not, the two of you need to have a serious, what do we want this marriage of ours to be talk. I would be ticked and I am not the type to keep it secret. The dirty looks would be exuding out of my pores. I have so little control, lol
I am not sure sometimes if the stress that is caused by having a partner that does not respect us, is worth the stress. Keep us posted k?
I'm with teko...I have no tolerance for ANYTHING that has to do with possible infidelity or temptations. I would nick it in the butt immediately and he would have to earn his way back with trust. To be honest with you, I'm real good at dumping them right on the spot if they stray. ZERO tolerance...but, that's just me :)
Well I didn't have a chance to talk to him last night as he passed out on the couch while i was putting mikey to sleep. But he did make a comment yesterday when he checked his phone messages he said something like, "why do these things keep sending me this sh*t" and I did check the keystroke program this morning and he hasn't logged on at all yet. or gone to any other sites. I also checked his email, and he has erased the message from the sex dating site and everything, so for now i'm not mentioning it. I still have the keystroke program so if he goes to any dating sites or anything like that i'll know. I still need to have a talk with him though because obviously i don't really trust him right now, for things from the past so we need to have a talk and i need to work on that.
The only reason i'm not confronting him on this is that he's not being very sneaky about it and I don't want top give him a heads up so he tries to hide things in the future. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt since he made that comment and erased the email, hopefully it was just a spam email, but I'm not sure of that as of now
Not to put doubt in your mind cause I'm hoping it really is a spam issue but you yourself saw how hard it was to get that email sent. My theory is he said what he said on the assumption that you already saw the email. This way he makes you feel like it is spam and acts like he's not hiding stuff. So he won't log on now because he deleted the email and now will have to request a new password. So yes keep quiet and keep your eyes open. But I do hope its nothing.
Yeah i hope it's just spam, but I'm not taking my chances with it. I still have the keystroke enabled so I'll check that occasionally just to see. But you are right, sometimes with his phone it has a star if there are new alerts and sometimes the star doesn't show, but the star goes away when you see messages, but michael had also been playing with it before he took it from him, and whenever you take the phone out of the case it automatically opens the last alert for the phone, so I dunno what he thinks. But when he made that comment about why do these things keep sending me ****, i just asked "What did my sister send you that stupid picture mail she sent me?" because she's been sending us a lot of stupid picture texts lately, so i don't think he knows i checked his phone. But he could just be covering his bases just encase.
So i guess we'll see what happens with it all. But i'm just going to keep quiet on it for now. No point in me tipping him off when I really don't have any proof as yet, because i doubt if he really signed up for the site, he'll just come out and say "oh yeah i was looking to get laid" So we'll see where this all goes. I'll give him teh benefit of the doubt as the email is erased, but i'm not closing my eyes and pretending it didn't exist in the first place, especially as I tested thhe site to see if they would send me an email based on the first page(where you actually put your email in) and they didn't until I filled out the profile. And they haven't sent me anything since then either, so no spamming as of now.
I wish you had emailed the email to your address so that you could show it to him when you do have more proof. I guess if something more comes out of this you won't really need it because you will have more. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I could only imagine how hard it is, your heart must have been racing a mile a minute when you saw that email. Again, if you want to talk more personally just shoot me a pm.
Thanks mami. Yeah i'm still very upset about this and feel like a horrible person because i keep checking his email and everything, but i can't seem to stop myself. I just need to know and hope that it was only spam. On a plus side(i guess plus?) the site sent me another email with the subject line don't forget to login, but the actual email is the same exact one as the first one they sent me, and my husband hasn't received anything like that one that i know of. So it is leaning towards it just being a spam email, and hopefully the site just sends out the same exact email to joiners and when they spam people.
Maybe he hasn't received it because he already has logged in, megochick.
I don't think you're evil at all for checking up on him.
Do you have a way, with your account, to actually check his and see what he's doing? Since you did sign up yourself and received the exact same email he did, it doesn't seem possible that this was a random thing. He began a profile.
I guess i could try and look him up on there, i haven't logged in again besides that first time.
Adn i used a new fake email address, so he'd have no idea it was me if he is on there, so I'll try it out. i didn't even think of that possibility. He could have gone to the website through his phone and not the computer so it wouldn't have shown up on teh keystroke.