Aa
Husband wants sex, i am not interested.
My husband and i have recently had a baby a month ago. He wants sex everyday but i am not interested and often see it as a chore. I want to be close to him and cuddle but am not interested in having any type of sex. if i dont have sex with him he pleases himself while watching pornography. Him watching pornography hurts me because i feel as if he likes that female better than me. He constantly bugs me for sex until i give in or later that night will masterbate. what should i do. please help me. This is effecting our marriage. It is causing him a lot of stress but at the same time i dont know how to become more interested and am currently unhappy with the way i look if i dont have on form fitting clothing and makeup but dont feel like doing this all the time.
My son is 3 years old and I STILL do the majority of the work. Once in a blue moon he will give him a bath for me. But it's really me. Granted he works strange hours so I'm home with our son most of the time but it's tiring. Especially when you thought you would be doing it together. Here is a recent argument: I work part time and when I'm home, I'm with our son. He finally was home early from work one night. He is laying on the couch (his usual spot), I am beat, I worked that day. I lay down next to him after cooking dinner, serving our son and it was his bedtime. I say to my fiance "can you put him to bed?", no joke this is his answer "Ugh, this is the first time I get home early, can I just relax?" I swear I became the exorcist where my head started spinning. I said "well since you are home early I thought you could for once help me"....like this gives him a free pass to do nothing. I then said as I get up to put our son to sleep "gee relaxation must feel nice, don't know what that's like". Just know, you are not alone.
thank you for you post and you input ... my husband just seems to think that he can go to work and thats it ... i believe he thinks that i am to do everything else ... that doesn't always happen because i have gotten to the point that i will just let things go until he decides "well maybe i should do some dishes or some clothes" I am raising my daughter ... i am the one who takes care of her almost all of the time but i do try to clean once in a while.
I don't think there is much more to add here. RockRose and Specialmom have very good insight into what they are saying. Relationships are hard, factor in being young, not experienced in communication, a new baby, financial difficulties and you have a much more difficult situation. They want your marriage to work, they are giving you tips on how that relationship can benefit and grow. I am 33 and still have a tough time communicating with my son's father. When we had a baby at 30, we struggled a lot. Women tend to take on the brunt of all the childrearing and when we do, we get exhausted and frustrated. I tend to bottle it up and then lash out when I've completely felt overwhelmed. That is not an effective thing to do. Sex was and is an issue in our relationship as well. We've fought over it but eventually got to a common ground and we both had to work to get there. Counseling is a great option and I highly recommend it. Good luck to you both.
OH excuse me that's not the comment I was thinking of. Emily was probably referring to the conversation in general, if I had to guess.
It was simply someone who didn't read the whole story and made a misinformed comment that was quite rude. Don't worry about it for even another moment :)
i would like to know what was said but it looks as if it has been deleted by a moderator!
Let's remember that we are here to support, not judge or shame. You can disagree with someone and do it respectfully.
Thanks!
Emily
Thanks!
Emily
Hey there BGB
I am glad to hear that you have talked to your husband. Therapy will make a world of difference in your life.
Unless your daughter's immune system is compromised, there is no reason she can't go out for a walk in cold weather. What is more likely to get her sick, is other humans, especially school age kids. Unless she becomes hypothermic, the cold air will not hurt her. It might help with sleep and colic (fresh air)
The most important thing is a hat... Kids lose 40% of their body heat through their heads. So bundle her up in a cute winter outfit... Coat hat mittens scarf booties and blanket... Take her for a walk with your husband. Check her regularly to make sure she is warm. I loved my umbrella stroller best, but they have all those cool carseat combos, now.
Enjoy!
I am glad to hear that you have talked to your husband. Therapy will make a world of difference in your life.
Unless your daughter's immune system is compromised, there is no reason she can't go out for a walk in cold weather. What is more likely to get her sick, is other humans, especially school age kids. Unless she becomes hypothermic, the cold air will not hurt her. It might help with sleep and colic (fresh air)
The most important thing is a hat... Kids lose 40% of their body heat through their heads. So bundle her up in a cute winter outfit... Coat hat mittens scarf booties and blanket... Take her for a walk with your husband. Check her regularly to make sure she is warm. I loved my umbrella stroller best, but they have all those cool carseat combos, now.
Enjoy!
I talked to my husband about going through therapy (for my childhood abuse). He seemed very supported and said he thought it would be a good idea if i thought it could really help me. I would consider taking a walk with my little girl but its starting to get cold where i live and i don't want her to get sick. I am looking foreward to spring and winter hasn't even arrived yet. My husband loves to walk ... and that is something we could do together.... man i wish it was warmer.
Hey there
Did you check into getting some therapy?
By the way, all the verious HOTLINES will take calls from people. I have talked to people and I was not calling with the particular HOTLINE problem.
They seemed to have alot of resources at their fingertips.
I am sure you are exhausted, with a colicky baby. Try getting outside for a walk. The baby would probably sleep better with some fresh air. And you will have more enery. Fresh air makes me sleep well.
Hang in there BGB.
Did you check into getting some therapy?
By the way, all the verious HOTLINES will take calls from people. I have talked to people and I was not calling with the particular HOTLINE problem.
They seemed to have alot of resources at their fingertips.
I am sure you are exhausted, with a colicky baby. Try getting outside for a walk. The baby would probably sleep better with some fresh air. And you will have more enery. Fresh air makes me sleep well.
Hang in there BGB.
believe me i love my husband very much ... but we were only together 9 and a half months before getting married and i was 12 weeks pregnant when i got married and then miscarried our beautiful baby 10 days later ... we lived with his parents at the time because my step dad abused me when i was 14 and my mother kicked me out when i was 18 because i finally told her the truth. she wanted to stay with him and i had to leave. he is now in prison but is supposed to get out soon. i have a lot on my plate emotionally and find it very hard to communicate with my husband because of it all but mostly because my mother taught me to hold my feelings inside, except for anger, by never talking about her feelings and emotions unless she was angry enough from letting it bottle up inside, which i know is not healthy but its all i have ever known to do .. i can talk to other females but it still bottles up inside because i am not able to talk to my husband about our problems in an appropriate way without causing problems. this is how i contribute to out marital problems in a negative way.
believe me i love my husband very much ... but we were only together 9 and a half months before getting married and i was 12 weeks pregnant when i got married and then miscarried our beautiful baby 10 days later ... we lived with his parents at the time because my step dad abused me when i was 14 and my mother kicked me out when i was 18 because i finally told her the truth. she wanted to stay with him and i had to leave. he is now in prison but is supposed to get out soon. i have a lot on my plate emotionally and find it very hard to communicate with my husband because of it all but mostly because my mother taught me to hold my feelings inside, except for anger, by never talking about her feelings and emotions unless she was angry enough from letting it bottle up inside, which i know is not healthy but its all i have ever known to do .. i can talk to other females but it still bottles up inside because i am not able to talk to my husband about our problems in an appropriate way without causing problems. this is how i contribute to out marital problems in a negative way.
: (
I'm sorry you regret getting married, but since your little baby is here depending on you, you can make this work.
He's got some growing up to do, and for now you'll have to do the heavy lifting. Apparently you're the only one of the two of you that has long term money sense, so somehow you'll have to figure out how to get him to budget and not spend foolishly, and you'll have to look past some of the stuff that he does that's very immature, for awhile.
I really wish you the best, this is hard.
I'm sorry you regret getting married, but since your little baby is here depending on you, you can make this work.
He's got some growing up to do, and for now you'll have to do the heavy lifting. Apparently you're the only one of the two of you that has long term money sense, so somehow you'll have to figure out how to get him to budget and not spend foolishly, and you'll have to look past some of the stuff that he does that's very immature, for awhile.
I really wish you the best, this is hard.
perhaps i got angry with you for saying we were to young to get married because i regret getting married .. the only thing i don't regret is my child.
Gracious.
Bluegummiebear, I hope that your prediction that your posts may get your account shut down don't turn out to be true.
And you've completely misjudged me.
So. I never said you forced your husband to marry you, I said he's too immature to be an effective husband and father right now. That much must seem obvious to everyone on this board.
And I think you have to work with what you have, which is a man who does want you, and prefers you over masturbation, and at least goes into privacy to do that.
Maybe the two of you could read "The Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I'm sure it's at the library, and it will redirect both of you to putting each other first which is what it takes to make a successful marriage.
And I'm not jealous that I'm older. I honestly wouldn't want to go back to being 20 again, been there, done that, got the grey hairs to show for it.
Nobody lives a perfect life, bluegummie, but I will say I've been very blessed to have had the luck of being born into an intact family and so was my husband. Both of our parents are still married to each other, still living and still going to be there for Thanksgiving. So while we haven't always been finacially wealthy I've been rich in the example for a lifelong marriage that both our sets of parents showed both of us.
And I think that experience is worth hearing, and the wisdom from being married 25 years myself is worth passing on to newlyweds who are off -track.
Yes, you're both off-track.
Go back and read my posts to you with that in mind, that they are mean to give you a different perspective than the one you have - and is causing you both to struggle - and realize my words aren't meant to hurt.
Best wishes.
Bluegummiebear, I hope that your prediction that your posts may get your account shut down don't turn out to be true.
And you've completely misjudged me.
So. I never said you forced your husband to marry you, I said he's too immature to be an effective husband and father right now. That much must seem obvious to everyone on this board.
And I think you have to work with what you have, which is a man who does want you, and prefers you over masturbation, and at least goes into privacy to do that.
Maybe the two of you could read "The Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I'm sure it's at the library, and it will redirect both of you to putting each other first which is what it takes to make a successful marriage.
And I'm not jealous that I'm older. I honestly wouldn't want to go back to being 20 again, been there, done that, got the grey hairs to show for it.
Nobody lives a perfect life, bluegummie, but I will say I've been very blessed to have had the luck of being born into an intact family and so was my husband. Both of our parents are still married to each other, still living and still going to be there for Thanksgiving. So while we haven't always been finacially wealthy I've been rich in the example for a lifelong marriage that both our sets of parents showed both of us.
And I think that experience is worth hearing, and the wisdom from being married 25 years myself is worth passing on to newlyweds who are off -track.
Yes, you're both off-track.
Go back and read my posts to you with that in mind, that they are mean to give you a different perspective than the one you have - and is causing you both to struggle - and realize my words aren't meant to hurt.
Best wishes.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh boy, this is getting out of hand. Know this bluegummiebear, I do think everyone is just meaning to help and not insult.
My parents got married at 17 and had my sister at 18. She passed away when I was in my 20's, but my mother was terrific. My dad did his best as well. People can rise to the occasion and be great parents and partners. I think my suggestions came from a place of trying to help you two grow as a couple rather than just throw in the towel as you learn how to handle all of this hard stuff. Many older than you and your husband who marry and have their first child will fall apart and break up. So lets just leave age out of it and say that you two as a couple will have to work on your issues to improve your ability to get along and compromise on what needs to be compromised on.
I was afraid that others were projecting their life and things onto you and each of us is different. If I read correctly, I do think your husband loves you and you love him and want this to work. While his tactics are not good at all and what he asks of you is unreasonable at this time------------ he's not hurting your. So if you can just move forward with the tactics and compromise on his needs/wants and yours------- then things should get better.
This is where I'm coming from in my advice to you. Please don't assume people are insulting you as sometimes it is hard to read the real intent of what someone writes in a post. I am sure Rockrose isn't saying to ditch him, he's a creep or anything of the sort, but just that he is a young dude that might need some help in learning how to be a good husband.
I really do wish you luck.
My parents got married at 17 and had my sister at 18. She passed away when I was in my 20's, but my mother was terrific. My dad did his best as well. People can rise to the occasion and be great parents and partners. I think my suggestions came from a place of trying to help you two grow as a couple rather than just throw in the towel as you learn how to handle all of this hard stuff. Many older than you and your husband who marry and have their first child will fall apart and break up. So lets just leave age out of it and say that you two as a couple will have to work on your issues to improve your ability to get along and compromise on what needs to be compromised on.
I was afraid that others were projecting their life and things onto you and each of us is different. If I read correctly, I do think your husband loves you and you love him and want this to work. While his tactics are not good at all and what he asks of you is unreasonable at this time------------ he's not hurting your. So if you can just move forward with the tactics and compromise on his needs/wants and yours------- then things should get better.
This is where I'm coming from in my advice to you. Please don't assume people are insulting you as sometimes it is hard to read the real intent of what someone writes in a post. I am sure Rockrose isn't saying to ditch him, he's a creep or anything of the sort, but just that he is a young dude that might need some help in learning how to be a good husband.
I really do wish you luck.
You must have come from a family that never needed a dime and had both parents... well sorry to tell you but some of us don't get upper class seats on planes !!! and some of us came from broken homes!!! i guess were not as perfect as you judgemental preps who have everything handed to them and don't work for anything!!!!!!
This may get my account shut down... but quite frankly my dear you are a windbag! I, under no circumstances forced my husband to marry me!!! He asked me himself. Maybe if you didnt baby your 20 year old MAN so much he would learn to do for himself like the ADULT that he is. Maybe you should cut the cord and pull him off the *** he can't be a baby forever! Perhaps you are jealous because you are not quite as young anymore? And for CPS to take my baby because we have issues that have nothing to do with physical abuse is absurd. He has NEVER laid a hand on me or my child. For you to say that my husband cannot take care of the child that he himself laid in bed and made WITH me is also absurd. If you are an adult and are physically able to do your shared responsibility with your wife then get off of your lazy butt and do it!!! I came here for help not your opinions on our ages and why we shouldn't be married. To say that a person is to young to be married when they are already married is ridiculous !!! I myself don't see the point in your meaningless explanation !! KARMA KARMA KARMA ***** !!!
I offered a scenario as an example of what compromise is. Sometimes words can be misunderstood.
I apologize if that was not clear.
Many fields employ "scripts" to help people learn the language of the job. Scripts are mostly to get down the idea of what you want to say, and try on the words for yourself. If something about the script is awkward... You change that to something that fits each person best. Or use the script as a suggestion, and practice what you want to say.
Practice is good. It helps you be confident in how things sound.
I write poetry. Eventually, I read my verse aloud. I frequently catch awkward word transitions this way. I am most fluent when writing verse, because it is highly emotional. I seem to relate well to emotions....
I apologize if that was not clear.
Many fields employ "scripts" to help people learn the language of the job. Scripts are mostly to get down the idea of what you want to say, and try on the words for yourself. If something about the script is awkward... You change that to something that fits each person best. Or use the script as a suggestion, and practice what you want to say.
Practice is good. It helps you be confident in how things sound.
I write poetry. Eventually, I read my verse aloud. I frequently catch awkward word transitions this way. I am most fluent when writing verse, because it is highly emotional. I seem to relate well to emotions....
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think we also have to be careful that we do not project our own scenarios onto others. I feel like her statement that her boyfriend would be hurt to know some of this means he has a heart. He stops if he hurts her and I get the impression that they want to be good to each other. They are learning. I think he is learning. He's not learned adequate ways of expressing himself but this can be taught. Perhaps she also needs better ways of expressing herself. She has a right to not be in the mood but I read more of a couple trying to work it out than an abusive relationship to be honest. I hope for the babies sake they are able to work it out. She must decide for herself if she is being abused though and I gave her my honest opinion on that.
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second of all...this is sexual pressure and a form of abuse. he needs to stop pressuring you into sex and then ignoring your feelings by making you feel like you HAVE to have sex with him to keep him from masturbating to porn.
consider therapy. couples therapy, marriage therapy, sex therapy, or all of the above. you both need help learning to communicate and compromise in the bedroom.
above all....DON'T feel unattractive. YOU JUST HAD A BABY! sweetie...your body just went through the most difficult thing a body CAN go through in a lifetime. give yourself a break and try to love yourself.
most likely your sex drive will come back as your hormones level out again after the baby's birth...but you have to give it some time...and he needs to be patient for your health AND for the health of your relationship.
sorry you're going through this, you're very vulnerable right now and it sounds like he's not being very sensitive. speak up...stand up for yourself.