Avatar universal

Husband with sisters worn panties

He has suffered sexual abuse, extensive drug abuse. Mental hospitals. He seems to be an online sex addict. And apparently is still trying or is still having sex with his sister as I found panties hidden away
I caught my husband masterbating with his sister's dirty panties, only to find out they have had a sexual relationship since early childhood, now I found out he is on every live sex secret sites, what do I do, I feel suicidal and totally worthless as I too was abused most of my life...and really believed we would conquer the past together.
3 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
I have a bit of a different take on it.  Two people with mental issues get together and hope they will be good for one another.  Might happen.  Might not.  But solving your mental problems or him solving his is unfortunately probably not something you're going to achieve or he's going to achieve from a romantic relationship.  That help comes through hope, work, time, therapy, and all that stuff both of you have undoubtedly been trying.  It's hard.  I have no opinion on the fact he likes sex the way he likes it on the internet.  A lot of people are doing that.  Maybe most people these days, who knows?  I wouldn't want my partner doing that, but say I didn't know, the best judge of a romantic partner is how they treat you, not their secret sexual fetishes, which we all have.  The relationship with the sister, on the other hand, if it is actually ongoing has to be a deal breaker.  It's something he hasn't fixed and is so far out of bounds and I can't see how it can be easily or quickly fixed if it hasn't been fixed by now.  I say assuming it is ongoing, because you aren't clear on that.  People who have been sexually abused do a lot of very troublesome things.  Coping is hard.  That alone can't be a deal breaker if we are to be kind and loving humans.  That doesn't mean, though, that a person is ready for a relationship.  But if it's ongoing, he's not only cheating on you, he's cheating on you with his sister.  I don't think you can fix that especially given you have your own troubles to deal with.  I think in this situation self-protection outweighs all else.  Peace.
Helpful - 0
I think I could have been clearer on the first point:  don't get into a relationship with anyone because you think the relationship will fix you.  Only you and professional help can fix you.  That's not the job of a romantic partner unless you find a saint to have a relationship with.  
134578 tn?1642048000
I'd take hope in the fact that YOU didn't do these things, HE did these things. If you did anything wrong, it was to pick the wrong guy, believing he was a decent guy. There is nothing wrong with believing. You probably got some lift from the early days of the relationship, too, because it gave you hope that you had an ally in fighting all your demons. Think of that trust you had, and that temporary lift the relationship gave you, as good and honorable things. You are not at fault, you are not worthless. (He might be worthless, but that is another story.) You are a good person who believed. Betrayal is very sad, and we all grieve for someone whose trust has been abused. But YOU did NOTHING WRONG. All you did was trust.

If you don't have family or friends to help you, do you have any of the hotline numbers? They can be really helpful, and are not judgemental.
Helpful - 0
3191940 tn?1447268717
I am SO sorry you're going through this trauma.  I, too, was betrayed by a man, who was unveiled to be very different than I thought he was.  I understand the crushing disappointment and depression.  The very first thing you need to do right now is take care of yourself, and your emotional well-being.  If you can find a counselor ASAP, that would be a great first step.

For me, this situation would result in an immediate dissolution of the relationship.  It is possible that, through individual and marital counseling, that the relationship could be improved, but I personally feel that trying to repair this situation will only prolong the inevitable, and prolong your pain.  

Do you have any family or friends who could help you?
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.