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Husband's past porn addiction
I've been married to my husband for 12 years and friends for 14 years. Out of our years of marriage, I found out in 2010 that he had a porn addiction and it went on for 8 years of our marriage, I NEVER knew. We both worked fulltime and I sometimes got home later than he did. I only found out in 2010 because I some health issues and stopped working and stayed home alot. I was going through some old files on his computer and found some old links to porn sites. I confronted him then and asked how long it went on? he said 8 years. He told me he stopped going to sites because I had quit working and was home all the time. At the time I found out, I felt very devastated, cheated, lied to. He always told me he wasn't interested in having sex with me because he worked too much and was tired. But now I know why he wasnt interested.
Well, we hashed things out, had alot of arguements, I nearly left him but stayed. Then things seemed to get back to normal. Then I noticed he started in with the "working to late or working too much" excuse the past year an a half. I thought it was because of my disability I know have, RA, and he said that he's afraid to cause me pain because of RA. Now we have no sex life. It seems like things are going back to the way it was. I did find out that he does masterbate in the shower alone. Also he's asked me to watch him...do this sometimes just before we sleep, he calls it Mutual masterbation, but it makes me feel very alone.
I've also had questions in my mind, in the past about our first few years of marriage, how he would be really interested in sex, ONLY if we had someone else staying overnight with our daughter--they were age 12 at the time. Then another time he got "really interested" in having sex was while we were on vacation with my daughter, she was 13 or 14 at the time and we had one room with double beds. She was asleep. After she fell asleep, he wanted to have sex...which I couldnt understand...I said she is right in the NEXT bed, but he said we can be really quiet. What was that about??? Thats always stuck in my mind over the years.
Now, he works alot of hours, from 8am to 12am sometimes, and I dont have access to his cellphone like I used to, his workplace now pays for his phone so he says since they pay for it, I cant have access to his phone bill. On his old cellphone plan, I wanted access and he got really worried and told me not to get mad if I see some long phone calls...and these calls were to a male co-worker. I thought that was quite odd. This co worker, whom I met, one time we were at a company dinner, this person would NOT say Hi to us at all, would not look at me. Anyways, now my husband has other phone calls from other coworkers, he says this is all related to his technical work. I still wonder what is going on with him, because he gets antsy, and wants to go on business trips, and gets all happy when he does get to go on his own. When I come, he asks me if I'm physically up to travelling. I just dont know what to think anymore. Right now, he had one of his long workdays and came home at close to 1am and we got in a quick arguement and he tried steering me into another conversation about, would I like to get a different car? I got mad and told him I thought we couldnt afford it right now??
I feel like leaving him because as much as we talked about the past porn addiction, prayed about it together, I thought I was over the distrust issues, but I STILL feel like something else is going on. Like I cant trust him, and maybe now, I can never trust any man.
Has anyone had similar issues? should I try to get him to go to a psychologist that deals with porn/masterbation addiction?? I dont think he's gotten past that and has never gone to any counseling. My only assurance of him stopping it was that he told me he quit. I'm at my wits end...and am tired of the years I've worried about trusting him.
Well, we hashed things out, had alot of arguements, I nearly left him but stayed. Then things seemed to get back to normal. Then I noticed he started in with the "working to late or working too much" excuse the past year an a half. I thought it was because of my disability I know have, RA, and he said that he's afraid to cause me pain because of RA. Now we have no sex life. It seems like things are going back to the way it was. I did find out that he does masterbate in the shower alone. Also he's asked me to watch him...do this sometimes just before we sleep, he calls it Mutual masterbation, but it makes me feel very alone.
I've also had questions in my mind, in the past about our first few years of marriage, how he would be really interested in sex, ONLY if we had someone else staying overnight with our daughter--they were age 12 at the time. Then another time he got "really interested" in having sex was while we were on vacation with my daughter, she was 13 or 14 at the time and we had one room with double beds. She was asleep. After she fell asleep, he wanted to have sex...which I couldnt understand...I said she is right in the NEXT bed, but he said we can be really quiet. What was that about??? Thats always stuck in my mind over the years.
Now, he works alot of hours, from 8am to 12am sometimes, and I dont have access to his cellphone like I used to, his workplace now pays for his phone so he says since they pay for it, I cant have access to his phone bill. On his old cellphone plan, I wanted access and he got really worried and told me not to get mad if I see some long phone calls...and these calls were to a male co-worker. I thought that was quite odd. This co worker, whom I met, one time we were at a company dinner, this person would NOT say Hi to us at all, would not look at me. Anyways, now my husband has other phone calls from other coworkers, he says this is all related to his technical work. I still wonder what is going on with him, because he gets antsy, and wants to go on business trips, and gets all happy when he does get to go on his own. When I come, he asks me if I'm physically up to travelling. I just dont know what to think anymore. Right now, he had one of his long workdays and came home at close to 1am and we got in a quick arguement and he tried steering me into another conversation about, would I like to get a different car? I got mad and told him I thought we couldnt afford it right now??
I feel like leaving him because as much as we talked about the past porn addiction, prayed about it together, I thought I was over the distrust issues, but I STILL feel like something else is going on. Like I cant trust him, and maybe now, I can never trust any man.
Has anyone had similar issues? should I try to get him to go to a psychologist that deals with porn/masterbation addiction?? I dont think he's gotten past that and has never gone to any counseling. My only assurance of him stopping it was that he told me he quit. I'm at my wits end...and am tired of the years I've worried about trusting him.
Rather than leave, when you get to therapy, I would simply ask him plainly (with the therapist in the room) if he wants to be married to you any more. Then lay out all the questions in your mind, that icky thing about apparently being charged up by the presence of someone else in the room (especially since it is a young female) and the thing about being happy when travelling and not happy when not, and the long phone calls. If you do get to a divorce, your lawyer can access the phone bills, so no worries you will be able to find out who he has been talking to. But simply ask him, when you get into the room with the therapist there, what the deal is, pointing out that he doesn't seem like he is getting much from the marriage.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome to the forum. Sorry you are suffering with all of these questions, that's hard.
Now, one thing that is good and would indicate less of an addiction and more of an obssession/like of porn is that when you started working from home, he pulled back from the porn. Those that are addicted can't do that. They put the thing they are addicted to above all else. They will deny any problem, tell their partner that they are crazy, and usually continue to pursue their addiction because they can't stop themselves. That's why many with addiction problems including sexual addiction require professional intervention to overcome the issue. It is also a fact that most with addiction issues suffer emotional issues as well such as depression. Medical intervention is often involved with addiction problems to treat underlying mental health issues.
So, this is good news sweetie. I doubt he was fully addicted. He may have enjoyed porn which you certainly don't appreciate---- but could pull back on it when he had too.
Now, the intimacy issues that you have------ actually, I think that is common in a marriage. If his lack of wanting to have sex with you is due to porn, that is unfortunate. When you stayed home, was he then more sexual with you because he was watching less porn? I do NOT understand wanting to have sex with you while your child was in the room. That certainly IS gross, I totally agree.
And I'm also not sure about the phone calls and the perceived desire you think your husband has to travel.
But overall, my complete recommendation is to go to couples therapy together. Discuss openly how you feel, what you are seeing, etc. with a therapist. I think this will help air your concerns, get his reaction, and move forward to figure out if he is on the up and up or if there are things that should make you want to leave him.
I wish you the best of luck and peace
Now, one thing that is good and would indicate less of an addiction and more of an obssession/like of porn is that when you started working from home, he pulled back from the porn. Those that are addicted can't do that. They put the thing they are addicted to above all else. They will deny any problem, tell their partner that they are crazy, and usually continue to pursue their addiction because they can't stop themselves. That's why many with addiction problems including sexual addiction require professional intervention to overcome the issue. It is also a fact that most with addiction issues suffer emotional issues as well such as depression. Medical intervention is often involved with addiction problems to treat underlying mental health issues.
So, this is good news sweetie. I doubt he was fully addicted. He may have enjoyed porn which you certainly don't appreciate---- but could pull back on it when he had too.
Now, the intimacy issues that you have------ actually, I think that is common in a marriage. If his lack of wanting to have sex with you is due to porn, that is unfortunate. When you stayed home, was he then more sexual with you because he was watching less porn? I do NOT understand wanting to have sex with you while your child was in the room. That certainly IS gross, I totally agree.
And I'm also not sure about the phone calls and the perceived desire you think your husband has to travel.
But overall, my complete recommendation is to go to couples therapy together. Discuss openly how you feel, what you are seeing, etc. with a therapist. I think this will help air your concerns, get his reaction, and move forward to figure out if he is on the up and up or if there are things that should make you want to leave him.
I wish you the best of luck and peace
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