Well, I will say that relationships that start out like the way you've started out with this other man are pretty much doomed. Statistically, they don't make it. This man will always have in the back of his mind that you are capable of cheating (which you are) and that the same thing could happen to him when you grow tired of sexually bored (as most long term relationships take work to keep the passion alive).
Sadly, the option before looking for another man should have been to properly decide what to do about your marriage. This would make you the bad guy. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it is absolutely the wrong thing to do to pick out another partner before you've ended your marriage. No sugar coating that. This will be something that you'll have to live with either way---- leaving or staying.
We decide what to do with our current relationshp before moving on. And if we do not, we have not done ANY of the work it takes to set ourselves up for a better relationship next time. We're just relationship shopping/ jumping. Most people never find true happiness that way.
My suggestion to you is to cut off contact with the other man. To then make a decision as to what you want to do with your current relationship. If you want to stay and work, then start therapy. If you see it as a lost cause because you CHOSE to marry a man you weren't sexually compatible with ---- then go through with the divorce and seek some counseling as to why you made that trade off and are now dissatisfied with it. And don't date for a period of time to learn who you are WITHOUT a man.
good luck
Absolutely Brice.
You better think LONG and HARD about what you are doing BEFORE you do it and CAN'T change it.
Any man who doesn't have any QUALMS with having a relationship with a MARRIED woman is a "red flag" in itself to me.
Sounds like you and your husband weren't really compatible in the first place as far as marriage is concerned, however, I wouldn't recommend leaving him and moving in with this other guy instantly. Don't see a problem if you separated from your husband BUT you should live ALONE and sort this out WITHOUT another man involved.
Definitely talk with your husband FIRST about how you feel. Before talking with him THOROUGHLY think about what you are going to say.
What did you decide? I know this is an older post but I was scrolling through the internet after searching for “in love with another man” I stumbled upon yours.
I live the life you described almost exactly in this blog post.
Only difference is the marriage however, I have been with the man I am engaged to for almost 4 years.
I feel like I am just letting part of life and what it has to offfer me. Pass me by...
We rarely have sex, when we do I have to intimate it but I never do because he’s absolutely horrible at it:(
There is no passion to it no chemistry, there never has been.
Like you said about your husband in this post, he is the most kind, thoughtful, and caring man.
He loves me with all of his heart and I feel and know that... but he doesn’t show me and he doesn’t have the same passion for life as I do.
There is a man that has come along that is the first man I have ever pictured myself having children with, one that I could see a happy family with, one that made me feel alive.
That shares my dreams that shares my passion for life.
He wants to be with me.. I am just in this constant cycle of wondering and getting depressed at times.
Do I want to live my life with my best friend who gives me no passion but who has never done me wrong and never would, who the best person I know.
Or, do I want to discover the most happiness I have ever known or thought to be possible.
To feel the passion, the chemistry, to have a family, to have kids with a man you can see being the best father, to be with the man who also would do anything in the world to see me happy.
To be with the man who makes me feel alive. <\3
Hi Nicoletta131,
It sounds like you are in quite the tricky situation. I'm sorry to hear about the conflict you are facing but regardless of the outcome I think someone is going to get hurt. Food for thought is that I think when it comes to dating in the beginning (for example you said you dated your husband 4 years prior to marrying him) - that many people do not have a dating plan set in place or know what they want because our society doesn't really promote find out what you want. What did you want out of the 4 years when you dated him? Did you want earth shattering love that will last a lifetime of a healthy long lasting relationship or were you just with him because you were settling? What was your parent's marriage like and what did you learn from their marriage and mistakes, along with others that you have seen? I mean I think what happened was when you dated him for 4 years, you maybe thought this was IT? But now there is a new man in your life who makes you feel ALIVE! Your husband and you should of had that "alive relationship and be constantly working on it" and I can tell you being with a guy for 5 years and choosing not to marry him was a good decision on my part. I didn't feel alive. I didn't feel he was my soulmate. I knew DEEP down there was something better when everyone expected me to marry him.
Same here. I have been married for 11 years now but have fallen out of love with my husband years ago. The only reason I'm in the marriage is because we have a 7 year old son. I started talking to a man at work and then we decided we would meet up outside of work. This went in for a couple months and then my husband found out. He has since gotten over it but I have tried my best to not have contact with this other man but even since my husband found out I have really been keeping it a secret that I'm still talking to this other man also still meeting up with him. I have never felt this way about a man before. I feel complete with the man I am having an affair with. I am truly in love with him. He has recently told me that I fill a void that has been missing in his life as well. He knows I'm married and that I'm only staying for my son. I wish I could get out of my marriage but because of our son, I'm not leaving. I live in a very strict family too that divorce is not an option no way no how. I am so unhappy and not in love with my husband but I continue to give him what he needs while having an affair on the side.....ugh I just want the other man.
Wow, were in the same situation..idk...
Wow, ladies I have been with my husband for 22yrs and married only 2yrs. I have always bein faithfully to our relationship. I found out he was cheating on me when i was pregnant with our last child which is 8 now, but i for gave him and made it work but he put a bad feeling in my heart. I worked at a plasma center for three yrs as a lab tech where i met a donor whom got on my last nerves, but he never gave up but i eventually gave in. The lunches the text the ling talks, gifts just because. It was marbles. But we started getting closer sexually.I need advice ladies i love my husband, but in love with someone else....
I am in a similar situation... My husband and I are high school sweethearts and the one and only man I have slept with. I was raised in a very religious family. Well 6 years ago a friend of mine from high school found me on fb. I called and SHE told me that she has always had a crush on me and thinks of me all the time. I had never even thought of being with a woman ever. She came to visit and it was love at first sight! I never knew that you really do get weak in the knees and your body feels like electricity is flowing in through your body! I was embarassed and acted weird and cleaned my phone a million times. I just didnt know what to do! I would never cheat on my husband but I was so so attracted to her! So she went back to NE and I was in CA and we blew up the phone lines to the point of killing the battery on a phone n having to switch to another. So she n I start talking about sexual things on many of the conversations we have over the next 6 months. She calls me and says she is coming to town to help her mom whi just has hip surgery. She says " I asked my husband and he said I could sleep with you what do u think ur husband will say?" I replied " I dont know ask him." She gets on speaker phone with me n my husband and say can I sleep with your wife? My husband says sure if she wants to. So I take the week she is here off. That friday we go out to dinner with a group of friends. Her and I step out to smoke. I get up the nerves to kiss her. I do but then jump back cause I think thid is all a joke n she is gonna punch me! She says Can you come back and do that right! So the next day we sleep together! I have never felt so amazing but then I also felt guilty and ashamed! I am a christian and raised that this was wrong. But she loves me like no one else can, she gets me, she makes me feel good about me! So she went home to NE and her n her husband have a huge falling out it gets physical so she books a plane to CA. So she is now living in CA. We are now a triad! My husband has 2 wives and I have a husband n a wife! My husband is the coolest man to let her into our relationship! We have now been a triad for 6 years! I have never been happier! She lit a fire in out relationship, she was the gasoline we needed to live a more happy, fun, sexual life! So I still dont know what label to place on me for seld idenity purposes???? Am I am lesbian, am I bisexual, or am I just a sinner gonna burn in hell? I am totally head over hills in love with her and still love my husband very much! They are my first and my loves! So maybe comprimise could be the answer to any of these issues! Comunicate your needs to your partner and you might just be surprised at what love will do to keep love alive! 3somes arent for everyone but it can be very rewarding if ground rules are set and its communicated as to was is ok and what is not for all parties involved! I still sometimes lay awake at night spooned with them both and wonder how did I get so lucky as to have 2 loves and to be happy with it! My mom has bisowned me and calls me names and tells me I am burning in hell! My brother said I always thought you were gay??? My husbands paents wont let us in their home cause we are living a life against their beliefs so they cant have it in their home! My boss tried to firer me after finding out! So this hasnt been easy but I want, need , have to have them in my life my wife and husband make me complete!
Ive been married 28 yrs and fighting to communicate and understand him for 20 of them. I also sell in love with another man. Im leaving.
Dont do what I did and hang on to the wrong thing. I regret wasting so much of my life fighting for love. Love shouldnt be that hard.
This is an old post. Please begin your own thread. thank you
I am going through this too. The problem is that I have been married 28 years this month. He has, over the years been somewhat harsh with me and little by little my love has eroded. He is still very good to me though. And in fact has gotten better since I have changed. My change came due to the fact that a man from my past... actually my first love when I was 13 came to town to find me telling me he has always thought of me. He is married to, but in a toxic situation. We are very much in love. I have never felt this happy. I have never felt love for anyone like I do with him. I am not a kid and this doesn't feel like mid life crisis. Before he came along I was living a life of quiet desperation. Not happy, not sad. Just existing. I need to put this out there for anyone to read and see if you have any insights. My new found love loves 1000 miles away and is coming to see his mom and me because we live in the same town once of month. We talk, FB and keep in touch daily. I didn't really realize that I didn't love my husband until my love came along. Any thoughts are welcome. My main and only problem is this: not wanting to hurt my husband and not wanting to do something wrong. But I also do not want to continue living what I feel is a lie. I would like to experience happiness for a period in the lifetime.
Wow, that's a tough one. I've been married 16 years as well & my husband had an "emotional thing" with another woman about 10 years ago. Sadly, I was never a big enough or gracious enough person to really get past it. I left him for a year but chose to enter back into the relationship more as a partnership arrangement knowing that we could better parent & provide for our children together than apart. He had a major medical incident a few years ago that allowed me to see my life without him again for which I carry endless guilt. I have grown to truly love him in ways that are deep & kind as family but there has never really been that feeling of being in love with him since. He has my loyalty and gratitude for being a wonderful partner, husband & father but it is endlessly lonely for me.
I think if I had to do it over again in you situation, I would find a way to graciously build your own new life, while financially/medically supporting your wife so you don't get weighed down by guilt for not giving her the chance to explain herself & abandoning her while she is so vulnerable medically. I don't know if that helps but you are not alone.
I've been married for 16 years. Last year my wife was paralyzed and in the hospital for last 11 months. I found a long passionate love poem which is written by my wife to a married male therapist in the hospital.
I think that to love so passionately to another man means that She has given up me. She never let me know there was a such thing.
I'm in a desperate situation. Please somebody help me.
I was wondering how things worked out for you in this situation.
Did you leavecyour husband? If so, was it worth it?
Well here's a situation I'm in.... I'm a lesbian and have been with my gf for 4 years and last year she was wrapped up and consumed with pills real bad. Started ignoring me and so I met someone else. Well that someone else she hasn't gone anywhere else it's been 8 months and I don't know what to do. I almost left my gf for her several times but never did I love her.
Take it from me, I have been in a so called no sexual desire or romance relationship for 20 years. We have a business together and I too am in love with another man and have been for 15 years. I have not been having an affair, but it breaks my heart every time I see the man I love. If your love for the new man is strong it wont go away ever. Go for it now before its too late like me. I wish I had done something 15 years ago.
Ladies, this is an old post. We are happy to address your own questions but would appreciate if you would start your own threads. Please do so by going to the top of this page and hit ask a question. Otherwise, your post gets overlooked for the most part.
thank you
Hmm, we'll the good thing is you are not married with kids yet, and also that you haven't been intimate with this other guy. But the loss of that exciting new love is going to happen in any relationship. No couple feels exactly the same after a few years as they did those first 6 months. But are you going to just give up every 3 years and find something easier?
This is where the "work" comes into a relationship. Yes somebody else may seem exciting and attractive, but that's not love. Unfortunately we live in a culture where falling in love is preferable to staying in love. To stay in love requires effort on both parts to not take each other for granted. Visualize your leaving your boyfriend. Imagine the scenarios to follow.
When you leave him, you are giving him the right to find somebody new. How do you feel about that?
Im going through the same situation, I met this new person not too long ago, I am currently living with my boyfriend. we have been together for ( in two months) 3 years. The new guy knows my situation and he has made his distance, he doesnt disrespect me or anything. Very sweet, He just confessed to me that he is falling for me, but he knows he can't have me. I myself have felt something gor him, but I aslo make mu distance. We have not made any physical contact and we're not planning to for respect of my boyfriend. I had the talk with my boyfriend and told him how I felt. He knows i speak to the other person he doesnt seem to mind. Me and mu boyfriend have always had problems ( like any other) but we always get passed it. But lately Im just feeling tired of never being able to discuss something without arguing its either he gets mad or I do. Ive considered to go to a couples therapist but he doesnt believe in shrinks, which makes it hard on me, not being able to find a solution. My boyfriend is trying really hard for us to be together and so am I, I really love him but not like I used to and he knows that. I dont want to be the bad guy in the story but I have to be true to him and true to myself. I wont stand losing a great guy like my boyfriend, but I dont want to force myself to love him again like I did, Im also not going to leave him for the other guy. I just need time for myself. Mu boyfriend can end up hating me and I dont want that, thats why Im still with him ( and because I love him) am I making sense!? The other guy and I are really good friends and for now we would like to keep it that way but we cant help feeling what we feel. Please! I really need an opinion on what to do!! I would appreciate it.
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I am in a similar situation... It would be nice to share my thoughts... I'm so confused... We are late to this post, but maybe we can start another...
I am in a similar situation. What did you end up doing?
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