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Avatar universal

I am deeply in love with another man

Dear readers,
I am so glad I found this forum and I hope some of you will be honest and kind to give me some pieces of advice in this desperate situation.
I have been married to my husband for about one year, we have been together for 4 years before that. He is the world's sweetest person, but I have never felt a strong sexual attraction towards him, neither have I ever felt "crazy" in love with him. But I am deeply fond of him and I praise him for being really good to me. We have a strong bond and are good partners, although I sometimes feels it's very practical. And he has always been the one who has been crazy about me, not the othe way.

Due to some changes in my life I have become aware of some things in our marriage that do not work properly and that I am not able to change. For example the fact that early in our relationship I came into a pattern of allowing him to have sex with me without me having actually desired this. This has lasted for all our relationship. We are also very different as persons; I am very free as an individual, creative and free-spirited and deeply passionate. He, on the other hand, is more tranquil and practical. Often I also feel that between us there is no "click".

Some months ago I met another man that blew my off my feet. I am a highly moral person and I never even considered looking at other men. Nevertheless, this person caught my attention and I have never ever felt so attracted to a person in my whole life. It was like everything was perfect; we fit like a hand in a glove in every way. He really makes me shine and he loves the deepest parts of me. I feel so relaxed and well with him. I am deeply in love with him and for the first time in my life I have found something that I instinctly fell that I want to be father of my children. Totally incredible. I want to make a life change and live with this other person. I would leave everything in this instant to live in total love with him for the rest of my days. It's like nothing else matters. But my husband is the world's sweetest and the last thing I want to do it hurt him. On the other hand I do not feel that I can really love him. Now I feel that I never really did... Because this new guy totallt woke me up and showed me what love is.
What can I do? I want all the best for my husband. But I want to be happy as well.
I appreciate your honest answers. Thank you so much.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I will say that relationships that start out like the way you've started out with this other man are pretty much doomed.  Statistically, they don't make it.  This man will always have in the back of his mind that you are capable of cheating (which you are) and that the same thing could happen to him when you grow tired of sexually bored (as most long term relationships take work to keep the passion alive).  

Sadly, the option before looking for another man should have been to properly decide what to do about your marriage.  This would make you the bad guy.  I'm not trying to be harsh, but it is absolutely the wrong thing to do to pick out another partner before you've ended your marriage.  No sugar coating that.  This will be something that you'll have to live with either way----  leaving or staying.

We decide what to do with our current relationshp before moving on.  And if we do not, we have not done ANY of the work it takes to set ourselves up for a better relationship next time.  We're just relationship shopping/ jumping.  Most people never find true happiness that way.  

My suggestion to you is to cut off contact with the other man.  To then make a decision as to what you want to do with your current relationship.  If you want to stay and work, then start therapy.  If you see it as a lost cause because you CHOSE to marry a man you weren't sexually compatible with ----  then go through with the divorce and seek some counseling as to why you made that trade off and are now dissatisfied with it.  And don't date for a period of time to learn who you are WITHOUT a man.  

good luck
Helpful - 2
Avatar universal
Absolutely Brice.  

You better think LONG and HARD about what you are doing BEFORE you do it and CAN'T change it.  

Any man who doesn't have any QUALMS with having a relationship with a MARRIED woman is a "red flag" in itself to me.  

Sounds like you and your husband weren't really compatible in the first place as far as marriage is concerned, however, I wouldn't recommend leaving him and moving in with this other guy instantly.  Don't see a problem if you separated from your husband BUT you should live ALONE and sort this out WITHOUT another man involved.  

Definitely talk with your husband FIRST about how you feel.  Before talking with him THOROUGHLY think about what you are going to say.  
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
What did you decide? I know this is an older post but I was scrolling through the internet after searching for “in love with another man” I stumbled upon yours.
I live the life you described almost exactly in this blog post.
Only difference is the marriage however, I have been with the man I am engaged to for almost 4 years.
I feel like I am just letting part of life and what it has to offfer me. Pass me by...
We rarely have sex, when we do I have to intimate it but I never do because he’s absolutely horrible at it:(
There is no passion to it no chemistry, there never has been.
Like you said about your husband in this post, he is the most kind, thoughtful, and caring man.
He loves me with all of his heart and I feel and know that... but he doesn’t show me and he doesn’t have the same passion for life as I do.
There is a man that has come along that is the first man I have ever pictured myself having children with, one that I could see a happy family with, one that made me feel alive.
That shares my dreams that shares my passion for life.
He wants to be with me.. I am just in this constant cycle of wondering and getting depressed at times.
Do I want to live my life with my best friend who gives me no passion but who has never done me wrong and never would, who the best person I know.
Or,  do I want to discover the most happiness I have ever known or thought to be possible.
To feel the passion, the chemistry, to have a family, to have kids with a man you can see being the best father, to be with the man who also would do anything in the world to see me happy.
To be with the man who makes me feel alive. <\3
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
Initiate it *^^
Since you are not married to the nice guy and don't have kids with him, it doesn't seem like this is such a hard decision. You'd do him a disservice to marry him implying you love him when you only like him. I would at least give him the chance to understand that this is the best he would ever get from you, and you clearly think he is a good enough person to be deserving of better than the lukewarm friendship you are offering.
Avatar universal
Hi Nicoletta131,

It sounds like you are in quite the tricky situation. I'm sorry to hear about the conflict you are facing but regardless of the outcome I think someone is going to get hurt. Food for thought is that I think when it comes to dating in the beginning (for example you said you dated your husband 4 years prior to marrying him) - that many people do not have a dating plan set in place or know what they want because our society doesn't really promote find out what you want. What did you want out of the 4 years when you dated him? Did you want earth shattering love that will last a lifetime of a healthy long lasting relationship or were you just with him because you were settling? What was your parent's marriage like and what did you learn from their marriage and mistakes, along with others that you have seen? I mean I think what happened was when you dated him for 4 years, you maybe thought this was IT? But now there is a new man in your life who makes you feel ALIVE! Your husband and you should of had that "alive relationship and be constantly working on it" and I can tell you being with a guy for 5 years and choosing not to marry him was a good decision on my part. I didn't feel alive. I didn't feel he was my soulmate. I knew DEEP down there was something better when everyone expected me to marry him.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Amen Tealybrily, most people get into relationships thinking this is it, this is the one. Or like you said I'm settling for this one. Immature thinking  before and after the signing and vows. Work on what you feel you should have had with the husband. Everyone takes people for grantsd. Many realize after feelings that Nicoletta131 is going through, she's taking husband for granted as well. Work on that relationship before throughout it away for another lost relationship. You'll be surprised how good it really can be. WORK on it.
Avatar universal
Same here. I have been married for 11 years now but have fallen out of love with my husband years ago.  The only reason I&#39;m in the marriage is because we have a 7 year old son.  I started talking to a man at work and then we decided we would meet up outside of work.  This went in for a couple months and then my husband found out.  He has since gotten over it but I have tried my best to not have contact with this other man but even since my husband found out I have really been keeping it a secret that I&#39;m still talking to this other man also still meeting up with him.  I have never felt this way about a man before.  I feel complete with the man I am having an affair with.  I am truly in love with him. He has recently told me that I fill a void that has been missing in his life as well.  He knows I&#39;m married and that I&#39;m only staying for my son.  I wish I could get out of my marriage but because of our son, I&#39;m not leaving.  I live in a very strict family too that divorce is not an option no way no how.  I am so unhappy and not in love with my husband but I continue to give him what he needs while having an affair on the side.....ugh I just want the other man.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
It's not real, get over it. Want real love, earn it
Avatar universal
Wow, were in the same situation..idk...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow, ladies I have been with my husband for 22yrs and married only 2yrs. I have always bein faithfully to our relationship. I found out he was cheating on me when i was pregnant with our last child which is 8 now, but i for gave him and made it work but he put a bad feeling in my heart. I worked at a plasma center for three yrs as a lab tech where i met a donor whom got on my last nerves, but he never gave up but i eventually gave in. The lunches the text the ling talks, gifts just because. It was marbles. But we started getting closer sexually.I need advice ladies i love my husband, but in love with someone else....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am in a similar situation... My husband and I are high school sweethearts and the one and only man I have slept with. I was raised in a very religious family. Well 6 years ago a friend of mine from high school found me on fb. I called and SHE told me that she has always had a crush on me and thinks of me all the time. I had never even thought of being with a woman ever. She came to visit and it was love at first sight! I never knew that you really do get weak in the knees and your body feels like electricity is flowing in through your body! I was embarassed and acted weird and cleaned my phone a million times. I just didnt know what to do! I would never cheat on my husband but I was so so attracted to her! So she went back to NE and I was in CA and we blew up the phone lines to the point of killing the battery on a phone n having to switch to another. So she n I start talking about sexual things on many of the conversations we have over the next 6 months. She calls me and says she is coming to town to help her mom whi just has hip surgery. She says &quot; I asked my husband and he said I could sleep with you what do u think ur husband will say?&quot; I replied &quot; I dont know ask him.&quot; She gets on speaker phone with me n my husband and say can I sleep with your wife? My husband says sure if she wants to. So I take the week she is here off. That friday we go out to dinner with a group of friends. Her and I step out to smoke. I get up the nerves to kiss her. I do but then jump back cause I think thid is all a joke n she is gonna punch me! She says Can you come back and do that right! So the next day we sleep together! I have never felt so amazing but then I also felt guilty and ashamed! I am a christian and raised that this was wrong. But she loves me like no one else can, she gets me, she makes me feel good about me! So she went home to NE and her n her husband have a huge falling out it gets physical so she books a plane to CA. So she is now living in CA. We are now a triad! My husband has 2 wives and I have a husband n a wife! My husband is the coolest man to let her into our relationship! We have now been a triad for 6 years! I have never been happier! She lit a fire in out relationship, she was the gasoline we needed to live a more happy, fun, sexual life! So I still dont know what label to place on me for seld idenity purposes???? Am I am lesbian, am I bisexual, or am I just a sinner gonna burn in hell? I am totally head over hills in love with her and still love my husband very much! They are my first and my loves! So maybe comprimise could be the answer to any of these issues! Comunicate your needs to your partner and you might just be surprised at what love will do to keep love alive! 3somes arent for everyone but it can be very rewarding if ground rules are set and its communicated as to was is ok and what is not for all parties involved! I still sometimes lay awake at night spooned with them both and wonder how did I get so lucky as to have 2 loves and to be happy with it! My mom has bisowned me and calls me names and tells me I am burning in hell! My brother said I always thought you were gay??? My husbands paents wont let us in their home cause we are living a life against their beliefs so they cant have it in their home! My boss tried to firer me after finding out! So this hasnt been easy but I want, need , have to have them in my life my wife and husband make me complete!
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
If any ladies would like to have comments on what you've written here of your own situation, please open your own post. The reason is that it is too hard for anyone commenting to go through a multi post such as this and keep track of those they are trying to support. I'm looking forward to seeing and commenting on your own posts!!!
Avatar universal
Ive been married 28 yrs and fighting to communicate and understand him for 20 of them. I also sell in love with another man. Im leaving.
Dont do what I did and hang on to the wrong thing. I regret wasting so much of my life fighting for love. Love shouldnt be that hard.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
This is an old post.  Please begin your own thread.  thank you
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am going through this too. The problem is that I have been married 28  years this month. He has, over the years been somewhat harsh with me and little by little my love has eroded. He is still very good to me though. And in fact has gotten better since I have changed. My change came due to the fact that a man from my past... actually my first love when I was 13 came to town to find me telling me he has always thought of me. He is married to, but in a toxic situation. We are very much in love. I have never felt this happy. I have never felt love for anyone like I do with him. I am not a kid and this doesn't feel like mid life crisis. Before he came along I was living a life of quiet desperation. Not happy, not sad. Just existing. I need to put this out there for anyone to read and see if you have any insights. My new found love loves 1000 miles away and is coming to see his mom and me because we live in the same town once of month. We talk, FB and keep in touch daily. I didn't really realize that I didn't love my husband until my love came along. Any thoughts are welcome. My main and only problem is this: not wanting to hurt my husband and not wanting to do something wrong. But I also do not want to continue living what I feel is a lie. I would like to experience happiness for a period in the lifetime.
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
Wow!! This sounds a lot like something I am going thru too. I have been with my husband for over 27 years (married 26) but my husband had started using heroin and this also led him to begin using meth. His behavior had been so all over the place. I would question him and then be lied to over and over.  When I would con front him about it I was met with so much anger and cussing that I just wanted to flee as fast as I could. I accepted a job in NM last year that got me away from the drama I was in. I left OR to begin OUR life in NM first and he would follow shortly after. We settled into our life here in NM but he was not happy.  He never led on he was not either. I recently got in touch with my old high school sweetheart and we began talking, but before I began talking to him I need to back up a little.  We went back to OR because our daughter had just finished her nursing school and was graduating. He had gotten mixed up with the same people he had used with and fell.  He used again. Again when I confronted him I was met with anger and we fought most of the rest of our trip.  He did not confess his using instead he told me he hated living in NM and did not want to come back.  And if I didn&#39;t trust him then we had nothing.  At this point I realized I no longer did trust him and did not want anything more from him. I am now ready to be done with this marriage because I can no longer trust in him. I then began talking to my high school sweetheart and I am back in love all over again with MY 1ST LOVE. I have always loved him and never stopped.  I had good years with my husband but his addictions not only destroyed him but also our marriage.
Your making a mistake, this is temporary happiness. Get things right for your sake and your husbands. You married him, stick to your vows, think about why your husband and why your with him. Thick and thru thin. So it&#39;s not that gitty, lovey dovey of yesteryear. It is a midlife issue. You so have timed your husband out that&#39;s all you can think about is your old boyfriend. Remember why he&#39;s your old boyfriend to. Stop before you go to far. You want love, you have to give love.
7743846 tn?1393827384
Wow, that's a tough one.  I've been married 16 years as well & my husband had an "emotional thing" with another woman about 10 years ago.  Sadly, I was never a big enough or gracious enough person to really get past it.  I left him for a year but chose to enter back into the relationship more as a partnership arrangement knowing that we could better parent & provide for our children together than apart. He had a major medical incident a few years ago that allowed me to see my life without him again for which I carry endless guilt. I have grown to truly love him in ways that are deep & kind as family but there has never really been that feeling of being in love with him since.  He has my loyalty and gratitude for being a wonderful partner, husband & father but it is endlessly lonely for me.
I think if I had to do it over again in you situation, I would find a way to graciously build your own new life, while financially/medically supporting your wife so you don't get weighed down by guilt for not giving her the chance to explain herself & abandoning her while she is so vulnerable medically.  I don't know if that helps but you are not alone.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
I&#39;m in exactly the same situation. Been with my husband 11 years too. You sound just like me. We started off as just good friends, and I began confiding in him about how unhappy I was in my marriage. The first time I saw him i knew I was in trouble. Of course people arnt going to cheat if they are in a stable happy relationship, considering they are self actualized themsevles. We were in a co-ed fit club,and ended up really hitting it off.It felt really amazing,we both realized how much alike that we are. We fit together liken two puzzle pieces. My life&#39;s been completely rearranged because of him, (In all good healing ways). We&#39;ve known each other now over four years, and it breaks our hearts that we cannot be together right now. We have been able to We basically try to leave each other alone, but we can&#39;t stay away very long. Our hearts won&#39;t stop being in love. I know now that we don&#39;t choose who we fall into love with. Things kept heating up regardless of the circstances. But weve been able to wait for sex, and I had quit sleeping with my husband, so I&#39;ve been completely celibate the whole time.  7 months ago my lover made a commitment to get a house for us,and recently told me that he loves me... i finally asked my husband for a seperation. We are both recovering from hardships, and neither of us has a way too move me out yet. Its a very difficult situation I have put myself and these men in...ughh I also recently figured out he is in some kind of affair with his coworker.. probably for years. So we both realized were interested and pursuing other people, and were not mad...we&#39;ve forgiven each other. So idk what&#39;s going to happen, but I feel like its fate or destiny&#39;s choice now. Leaving it up to God, because I don&#39;t have any control over this love... I know I&#39;ll always be in love with this man just because of the impact he&#39;s had on my life and the amazing connection we share.Good luck
Avatar universal
I've been married for 16 years. Last year my wife was paralyzed and in the hospital for last 11 months. I found a long passionate love poem which is written by my wife to a married male therapist in the hospital.
I think that to love so passionately to another man means that She has given up me. She never let me know there was a such thing.
I'm in a desperate situation. Please somebody help me.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I was wondering how things worked out for you in this situation.
Did you leavecyour husband? If so, was it worth it?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well here's a situation I'm in.... I'm a lesbian and have been with my gf for 4 years and last year she was wrapped up and consumed with pills real bad. Started ignoring me and so I met someone else. Well that someone else she hasn't gone anywhere else it's been 8 months and I don't know what to do. I almost left my gf for her several times but never did I love her.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Take it from me, I have been in a so called no sexual desire or romance relationship for 20 years.  We have a business together and I too am in love with another man and have been for 15 years.  I have not been having an affair, but it breaks my heart every time I see the man I love.  If your love for the new man is strong it wont go away ever.  Go for it now before its too late like me.  I wish I had done something 15 years ago.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ladies, this is an old post.  We are happy to address your own questions but would appreciate if you would start your own threads.  Please do so by going to the top of this page and hit ask a question.  Otherwise, your post gets overlooked for the most part.  

thank you
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hmm, we'll the good thing is you are not married with kids yet, and also that you haven't been intimate with this other guy. But the loss of that exciting new love is going to happen in any relationship.  No couple feels exactly the same after a few years as they did those first 6 months. But are you going to just give up every 3 years and find something easier?
This is where the "work" comes into a relationship. Yes somebody else may seem exciting and attractive, but that's not love.  Unfortunately we live in a culture where falling in love is preferable to staying in love.  To stay in love requires effort on both parts to not take each other for granted. Visualize your leaving your boyfriend. Imagine the scenarios to follow.
When you leave him, you are giving him the right to find somebody new.  How do you feel about that?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im going through the same situation, I met this new person not too long ago, I am currently living with my boyfriend. we have been together for ( in two months) 3 years. The new guy knows my situation and he has made his distance, he doesnt disrespect me or anything. Very sweet, He just confessed to me that he is falling for me, but he knows he can't have me. I myself have felt something gor him, but I aslo make mu distance. We have not made any physical contact and we're not planning to for respect of my boyfriend. I had the talk with my boyfriend and told him how I felt. He knows i speak to the other person he doesnt seem to mind. Me and mu boyfriend have always had problems ( like any other) but we always get passed it. But lately Im just feeling tired of never being able to discuss something without arguing its either he gets mad or I do. Ive considered to go to a couples therapist but he doesnt believe in shrinks, which makes it hard on me, not being able to find a solution. My boyfriend is trying really hard for us to be together and so am I, I really love him but not like I used to and he knows that. I dont want to be the bad guy in the story but I have to be true to him and true to myself. I wont stand losing a great guy like my boyfriend, but I dont want to force myself to love him again like I did, Im also not going to leave him for the other guy. I just need time for myself. Mu boyfriend can end up hating me and I dont want that, thats why Im still with him ( and because I love him) am I making sense!? The other guy and I are really good friends and for now we would like to keep it that way but we cant help feeling what we feel. Please! I really need an opinion on what to do!! I would appreciate it.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
This is an old post.  Please ask your own questions by going to the top of this page and hitting "ask a question".  thank you
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am in a similar situation... It would be nice to share my thoughts... I'm so confused... We are late to this post, but maybe we can start another...
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Avatar universal
I am in a similar situation. What did you end up doing?
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi guys, this post is over a year old.  If you would like an answer to a question. please post your own for people to take a look at.  Thanks!
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5646717 tn?1371592952
I agree with brice
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