I cheated and I'm gutted about it

[oxox2021]

Two years ago I was out with a group of co-workers and I was so blackout drunk that some friends had to carry me to a friend's apartment and throw me onto a bed to let me sleep it off. I was alone when I hit the bed. I woke up to the feeling of a female co-worker rubbing my leg and then that ended up leading to sex. I'm not saying I was assaulted - I was awake and participated - but it felt like it was a dream rather than not real life. Had I been sober I wouldn't even had agreed to sleep over - I'd never knowingly put myself near that situation. I know none of this makes it okay. I'm responsible for drinking as much as I did and ultimately responsible for my actions afterwards.

I never told my wife since we're in an extremely happy marriage and I KNOW this will never happen again. But it eats away at me all the time. It's been 2 years and I still feel guilty about it regularly. How do I forgive myself and move on? Can I?

[specialmom]

I think you sound like a reasonable and remorseful man. It will destroy your wife to know AND the relationship you two value.  Some lessons in life teach us. They are painful.  But I'd look at this as a lesson.  Drinking to excess like that is dangerous.  And no sexual escapade is worth hurting your wife or your relationship.  I would never tell her.  Make it up to her by being ever so grateful for her and be the best partner you can for eternity.  :>)  And IF you feel the guilt is sucking you in and you need to tell . . . get a therapist and work through it.  You sound like you have suffered enough and should focus on moving forward to me but know it can be hard sometimes. Hang in there.

[Paxiled]

I'd just make one amendment to the above.  If you suddenly start acting like a completely different person, such as becoming a toady to your wife, she's going to notice and that will also make her wonder what's going on,  What you want to do is be the person you've always been for her, the one she fell in love with and still loves.  Don't try to become someone else.  The lesson to learn is not to do the thing you regret doing.  The lesson isn't to become so oddly sweet all of a sudden if that's not who you are.  The lesson is for your to learn, not to try to change what was fine about you.  Peace.

[RockRose]

Some things you just have to live with.  I think it's good you didn't tell your wife,  since you obviously don't intend to do anything like that again.

[oxox2021]

That’s comforting to hear. So many people seem to say you “should” fess up, but I’m not sure what that accomplishes, except to cause my wife pain.

[RockRose]

I agree.  It doesn't accomplish anything.  Just endure your guilt,  and move on.

[Paxiled]

There are some other threads on this website about cheating and telling.  If you don't intend to leave your wife for someone else, if it's not a relationship and you love your wife and want the marriage to continue, don't tell her.  You're right, it will hurt her and depending on her personality might end your marriage which will hurt both of you if it's otherwise working out.  This sounds cold, but the fact is, our significant others don't need to know everything about us.  Being cheated on hurts some in a way that never heals and doesn't mean all that much to others, and life being what it is, your wife may have cheated on you too.  It is what it is.  My view is, learn from your guilt what it has to teach, which is, this isn't something you like having done and so you'll be more careful in the future.  We're all only human.  We like to have fun experiences.  Most of us like sexual pleasure.  The sex drive has to be very powerful in order for the species to continue; childbirth is no picnic and to actually be willing to do that takes a lot of hormonal energy so we have a strong urge to have sex even if we don't like it all that much.  It's just evolution.  Human children take forever to mature, assuming any of us does, and historically most of them and many women died in the process, so when we're young we sometimes do these things.  So learn from it, don't do it again, don't tell her because you're right, it will only hurt her and won't make it not have happened, but when you learn what you need to learn from it, you do have to let the guilt go or you won't be the person your wife fell in love with.  At some point, we learn from guilt but then to stay healthy and survive we have to let it go.  Peace.