I cheated on my wife she wants revenge

[viranic]

I have been married for 8 years  now this year started a new job and my work times have become erratic so 8 months ago did something really stupid had an affair with a girl it was more of an emotional affair and  nothing physical after I ended the affair the girl decided to spite me and sent our chats to my wife she was deeply hurt though she agreed to move on after this incident the biggest mistake is that we didn't see counsellor after this incident. 6 weeks ago I met another girl this time our relationship has become physical and my wife began suspecting something was amiss and she went through My stuff and found our communication,after the discovery I have ended the affair. My wife now feels the only way she can move forward is if she revenge cheats  if not she wants a divorce of which I have said no . We are due to see a counsellor soon. Is there any hope for us?

[AnnieBrooke]

I guess that might sound critical. I'm actually being pragmatic. You had an emotional affair. Those don't happen when someone is getting all his needs met in his relationship with his wife. Then you had a physical affair, which after all the two of your had just gone through over the emotional affair is kind of saying you have let caution go to the winds and are looking around and available. So, why be married? Few women would love playing second fiddle to your flirt of the moment. I can see if you have kids and don't want to break up the family, but staying married and constantly hurting your wife and making her angry will do no good for the kids.

[viranic]

Yes we do have kids 2 boys one is 7 and the other is 3 years old. I'm gutted I know how much my behaviour has ruined everything and I take ownership of that,I really want to get help as soon as possible.

[AnnieBrooke]

I assume your behavior has ruined things for the present, but the question you have to answer before even trying to patch together old status quo is whether a happy family life with the kids is worth more to you than sleeping with other women. (And, incidentally, where are you meeting these women, at work? If so, beware, there are all kinds of legal ramifications regarding sleeping with women over whom you have position power. You could get your company sued and lose your job.)

From how you behaved with the second woman when you were supposedly trying to fix the mess from your interactions with the first woman, it sounds like at least so far, sexual fidelity hasn't been important to you when opportunities present themselves. But it definitely sounds like for your wife, fidelity is part of the package (if not the entry-level condition) for getting your original family life back, and you'll have to do a lot of atonement and rebuilding trust too.

Don't promise your wife fidelity if in fact you honestly already know you will go for it whenever given the chance to sleep with someone else. If you won't be able to give up extramarital sex, do everyone a favor now, and figure out with your wife how to end the marriage in a dignified way. You'll always be their dad, work on being a good one, whether you're married to their mom or not. The path you're on now is the one to being a dad who comes home late with weak excuses and smelling of someone else, insulting their mom with his behavior and breaking her heart. You don't want your kids to grow up drawing conclusions that this is the way life should be between a married couple. A constructive divorce and friendly relationship afterwards would be much better than that.

[auntiejessi]

Do you have a tendency for self-destructive behaviors? I'm just wondering because you were trying to repair your marriage after the emotional affair, and then had the physical affair.

Your wife feels like the only way to save the marriage is to revenge cheat, which means that no one in this relationship has any emotional maturity.

I'm with Annie, mostly. Are there children in this marriage? If there aren't, why are you wanting to save it? And if there are, you both need to get it together like yesterday, and get all kinds of counseling asap. Even if you don't stay together, your kids need some role models.

People can have affairs of any kind even if their needs are met. Some people do it just because they can. Please don't blame your cheating on your wife. If your needs weren't being met, there were ways to fix that before you went outside your marriage.

[viranic]

Correct we where trying to repair our marriage from the first affair. My biggest mistake was thinking I could do it on my own without counselling. For the past 8 years I have been monogamous,unfortunately there is no streak of self destructive behaviour apart from these two events,I do not take drugs though I have been drinking more alcohol than I usually do. I love my kids to bits and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to salvage our marriage and family

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd say the second affair, when you were saying you were remorseful from the first, is self-destructive or just acting out. See a counselor yourself about what on earth you were doing, and she should see one to try to get over the hurt, feeling of betrayal and anger enough even to work with you in a constructive way on the marriage, and then the two of you should see a marriage counselor. And as jessi says, do it "like yesterday." When I said your needs weren't being met, I didn't mean blame your wife. I meant, there's a mismatch that needs to be addressed. Address it with all the tools you've got, especially counseling. And again I second Jessi when she says the kids need some role models that right now, you two aren't being. Get your act together with each other for your sake, for her sake, and for the kids' sake.

[Paxiled]

I agree that the two of you seem to want to stay married but want to do things that make that impossible.  The reality research shows us is that most couples who meet when they're young and have a long marriage cheat on one another.  The real problem is when the other partner finds out or when it isn't just sex but a relationship.  But I will only add that you appear to have little to no self-control given you did the second one while still trying to work out the first one, so you do have to decide before counseling if you're just a guy who is always going to want to sleep with different women.  If that's you, it will only work if your wife doesn't really care or is also allowed to cheat on you whenever she wants.  If you really can't just be with your wife, the counseling is useless.  It can only work if you really do just want to be with your wife.

[AnnieBrooke]

That's what I was curious about at the beginning, that you just don't sound very interested in being faithful to your wife. But I disagree that counseling would be useless, even if so. Counseling to stay faithful if you aren't planning to, would be useless. But you and your wife need to decide how to go on as parents and role models for your kids whether you are in a monogamous marriage, an "open marriage", or divorce. In all three cases you will have to figure out how to present yourselves to your kids without undercurrents of anger or hurt, and how to act around them in a way that teaches them how to be decent human beings, care for others' feelings and behave honorably. A counselor can help a lot with figuring out how you and your wife should behave with each other no matter what route you choose.

[LWDEVELOPMENT]

Yes revenge is the best. My hubby did and agreed on me doing it and I picked one of my employees. He secretly recorded it.

[specialmom]

I'm not sure that is really an adaptive or healthy strategy to be honest.