I cheated on my wife

[bengineer]

I have been in college for a couple years now, and married every day of that; 3 years.  I feel as though I was never able to explore college because I got married when I was 21.  My whole life I have felt ugly and my wife has helped me through a lot of those issues however I have never received much attention from girls.  

This semester a girl and I have been flirting quite a bit, usually after a bunch of our friends, and us, go to the bar.  Until this past Friday nothing had come up from the flirting.  Friday night we ended up being at the same party and danced a couple of times.  I went to her home Saturday night to pick up a project we are working on together (the teams were assigned by the teacher) and tell her that we could not "flirt" anymore; testosterone was high and heart beats were up, I did not leave for an hour.  We did not have sex, or kiss, but, not to be vulgar but I pulled down her pants part way and felt her bum and fingered her for not more than 3 seconds.  It was a situation where she wanted to go a lot farther, and so did I.  

I love my wife and I absolutely don't want to hurt her.  I can't stop feeling guilty about this.  I don't think my wife would ever find out if I didn't tell her, but if I don't and she does find out that will probably guarantee a divorce.  There will be no more flirting, at all, with the other lady.  I will pursue counseling to find the heart of the issue here.  If I tell her I want to tell her soon, but how much do I tell her?  Details?  I feel as though that would just hurt her more.  I was thinking that I would tell my wife that the other lady and I were flirting this semester, we danced a bit, and ended it with hugging and I grabbed her bum.  Should I mention the fingering part?  What parts should I, and should not, tell her?  I can't stand how guilty I feel.  

[Male_83]

dont tell here if u do shell never ever gonna forget, i know girls plus nothing good is going to happen. just dont tell here and stop flirting with other girls

[cmansmom]

by smart, I meant stupid.

=P

[cmansmom]

I hope he tells her, and I hope she leaves him. She deserves someone who isnt smart enough to put himself in the situation again. The first time...eh...the second, its like he was subconciously hoping to get it.

[sugarpea013]

I really don't think this guy needs our advice anymore. He's made up his mind on what he wants to do. He's no longer thinking with his head, at least the one attached to his neck.

[Connecticut_cutie]

Keep it to yourself and learn to be a better you.

[sugarpea013]

Ya  know, I totally respected your eagerness to right things after the first incident...but COME ON! Your being a totaly hypocrite. Why would you allow that to happen again?! Just because you are laying this out there for us to read doesn't mean you are washing your hands clean of this. I feel horrible for your wife. You already stated that she has a past history of being hurt by situations like this, so I guess add you to the dirtball list? Sorry, I shouldn't go there but you have taken this too far. I hope you tell her and she realizes after the initial heartache that she is a strong independant woman and will be far off better without you.

[DiamondGirlx]

Geezer.....what is wrong with you????!!!!! You obviously love the thrill of the chase, the dangle of the bait, the cherry on the cake but mate........YOU ARE MARRIED!!! Your wife deserves to know your a weak and easily mislead person who cannot control himself. The fact that you freely talk about Drink Driving with your knocked off floosie to go and get your wood sucked, is disgraceful. If you had of knocked somebody down in your car and something real bad happened, (Whilst your driving around town with your cheap bird) What would you of done then. People like you who have no regard for anyone but themselves and what they can get out of other people, are....let me try to put this in a nice way......oopps i cant. Your not a nice guy. As much as you want to justify your self, you are just wrong. Your wife deserves better.

[uvlvrebel]

you might be correct.LOL I guess that would fall under, "first time shame on him, second time..." wait... well something like that.  but we might wanna consider the tart who was the other party too- if she'd had any respect for marriage.  I think most women exert (or should exert) a bit more self-control than men do.  hell- we can turn it off/on...and she'd already been told that he didn't want to. yet still managed to "con" her way into getting a ride home, got naked and went down on him.  I know that when I do that for my hubby- he's putty in my hands, or whatever.  :_)
-rebel
ps- congrats on not smoking!- i'm 23 days w/o one too!

[uvlvrebel]

i think yo u might want to re-consider telling.  as a wife who endured unfaithfulness, I would have rather lived my entire life without knowing. after i was told it took years to move frwrd. and why i didn't divorce him was b/c we had a lot of time (10 yrs)invested in our marriage and i really loved him. he screwed up. i don't live in a glass house, so who was i to judge?  

teko- you might want to qualify your stmt.

[raindelay]

Well, that just wasn't very smart.  

It sounds like you might be purposely damaging your marriage, wanting it to fail, or wanting to hurt your wife.  If you didn't there is no way - particularly after the 'hands in the pants' day - you would have ever, ever considered doing anything with this girl again.  Taking her home after a day of drinking would definitely be an event labeled, "I'm flirting with disaster here."    

[bengineer]

Continued thanks for all of your input and thoughts about my situation.  Since my last entry this lady and I have talked a couple of times and decided that could absolutely not do any of that anymore, but she wanted to continue to be friends.  That was a mistake.  Our being friends lead to me picking her up during the crazy storms we've been having to go to school and study with a bunch of people.  I thought I was being smart, and it was ok, by me not going into her house, rather just waiting for her to come out and we would head off.  After about 14 hours of studying yesterday about 12 of us, including her, went out to a local bar to play pool and relax during stressful school times.  My wife came out for a bit but had to head home to get enough sleep before work today.  I was really excited/glad that my wife came out because I have not seen much of her lately.  Later that night I ended up driving a couple people home, this lady included, and we ended up "parking" somewhere.  I don't even know what to say besides I am ashamed.  We did not have sex, but I was on the receiving end of oral sex.  She was completely naked.  I am not even sure why I am telling you all this.  Did I mention that we were both drunk at the time?  we were.  I can't help but think that it all actually did not happen, but it did.  needless to say, I am sticking with my previous intuition and I will start seeing a counselor.  As for telling her, I know this is going to wreck her; she already has a big fear of me cheating because that was a theme with her boyfriends before we were married.  I am not asking what I should do.  I am telling you all because I think, after inputting part of your own time/lives, you deserve to know the current situation.  I will probably tell her sometime after christmas.  
I'll let you all know what happens.

[DiamondGirlx]

I forgot to mention, after telling my partner, we had the most horrendous 6 weeks of arguments and questions, tears and more tears. However he now knows who i am. He knows my weakness's, he knows my wrongs, he knows me. No one could ever come to him and say to him anything he doesn't already know. He has made the choice to try and work it out. He loves me, I love him, i made a mistake. It is hard, i wont lie. I feel now that i have to prove myself to him but hey,  its only right. If anything, its good for me too. Because i can now show him real love instead of guilt ridden fake half hearted love that, dont get it twisted, she can feel is half hearted. She may not say the words to you, but if you are feeling guilty about your actions, it will show in your actions. She's not stupid.

We are working through what happened and each day is a new day. I would not say it has made us stronger, just 1. made me appreciate what i have a whole lot more, 2. made me see how easily it is to loose what you want to keep, 3. Given our relationship the kick start that it obviously needed. and lastly given us a true foundation which we can build on. No point falling in love with a lie or a liar. No matter how you want to dress it up, you soooo cheated on your wife. Putting your fingers in some other womans neather regions is down right out of order and you know it. So give your wife a break and tell her your sorry, it wont happen again and you love her, thats why you want to be honest and give her the truth. Good luck and stay true to yourself. Dont be a menace!!!

[DiamondGirlx]

Please Read this.......................... I have been exactly where you are and i told. I told my partner everything that i did and it was the hardest and most crushing thing i've ever done. However...........it needed to be done. It is the right thing to do. Deception is a killer. What ever the consequences are of your actions, be a man and deal with them. Life deals you a card and what is meant to be will be. You were not meant to be with that other girl that night, you truely know where your meant to be, that is why your mind and body would not allow you to carry on. But you can not live a lie. Your wife believes you are someone you are not. Tell her who you are and let her make her mind up for herself. If you love her, you will give her the choice. By not telling her, you are taking away her choices and decisions about her own life. That in its self is the most selfish and degrading, when life is about making your own decisions and choosing the path you walk on.Do not deceive her by fooling her to believe you are the perfect Husband she see's in her fantasy life. If she loves you, she will appreciate knowing the real you and whether she can deal with it or not is up to her. I have no doubt in my mind that she will forgive you. Cause at the end of the day you saw you were wrong and as weak as you may have been at the time, you weren't as weak as most and showed your commitment to the marriage by not pleasing yourself by having sex with the other bird. Its all long but if you explain it as you explained it above, she will see that you just had a slight lack of judgement and that you made a huge mistake. People do make them. She may have made mistakes too. She will just be thankful that you saw the light and came home to her without taking things to the extreme.

You can make this a learning curve for you and her to make things stronger. It may take time for her to understand but as her husband, the man who promised to love and cherish her, it is your responsibility to ensure she feels that you have dedicated your life to her with no secrets, honesty and trust. Give her all 3 and she will love you more than you can possibly imagine. Give her the respect she deserves and you will gain more respect from her for being a man and admiting when you have been wrong. I promise, honesty is the best policy. Yes sometimes, what ya dont know wont hurt ya, but also what ya dont know will always be the cause of what hurts ya the most!! So keeping it from her is hurting her more than actually telling her the truth. Hope that makes sense. Oh and heres another saying that rings true............If you cant hear, you will feel. So hear some of the advice on here and do the right thing by your wife.
Treat people how you would like to be treated .

[Jaybay]

I'm totally with raindelay.  :-)  I've been with my husband for over 25 years, and I think it's simply a case of older, wiser people who have been in long-term relationships having a different outlook.  Like rain said, over all those years of dealing with life and all its challenges, you learn to let the small stuff slide or the relationship won't last that long.  

I would prefer not to know of a one-time indescretion unless it went so far that my health might be jeopardized with an STD.  Nobody is perfect.  I can't expect it of myself; I don't expect it of my husband.  People can put themselves in situations in which they do something totally stupid and against their character.  If it happens more than once, then yes, that's a problem needing serious discussion.  Screw up once, learn the lesson, don't do it again, and move on.

Had I been asked to think about this situation 20 years ago, my answer probably would have been a 180 from what I'm saying right now.  LOL!  So there you have it - the Old Lady Opinion.  :-)

[tjmartens]

I agree totally with want2bemommy21

[want2bemommy21]

i think if your going to even attempt to bring this up to your wife she's going to want to know the details no matter how hurt she'll feel cause it'll help her cope with the fact that you betrayed your vows. i dont think just b/c you got married young is an excuse b/c it was your decision and right when you were flirting with the girl you were wrong b/c you knew you were married what if your wife did that to you how would you feel? i dont mean to sound harsh but you should tell her everything she wants to know and talk about it as much as she wants to talk about it...

[nsrchofbaby]

I'm gonna have to agree with girliegrl1723 on this one, you should be honest with your wife...she deserves to know the truth. Spare her the details but don't downsize your screwup to the point where you can actually get passed it like nothing ever happened. It's just like a man to say sh*t happens, get over it and promise to be a good boy. Infidelity is a very serious thing and your wife deserves the truth. Grow up, stop making yourself the victim. Those 3 seconds could cost you your marriage and rightfully so. Marriage isn't a game, whether you're 18 or 65 when you say your vows. Come clean, ask for forgiveness and deal with whatever the repercussions of your actions may be.

[raindelay]

I'm not trying to convince him otherwise, it's just my opinion.  He has already stated what he is going to do.  I'm merely probing the rationale of other posters regarding underlying assumptions.

So, let's close the book on bengineer and his decision.  Good luck to him.

I do want to challenge the notion that I'm walking the fine line of what's okay and not okay.  The challenge I laid out was a simple question of outcomes.  Is telling everything to our spouses always the best route?  I'm not sure.  

If bengineer tells his wife what happened (and I question whether he can be vague about the details because she's going to probably grill him like a seasoned trial lawyer about the event), and their relationship evolves into one of distrust and eventual split is that the desired outcome?

Now, if he doesn't tell her and goes on to be a model husband, father, etc., and learns a great lesson about himself is that the desired outcome?

Both outcomes are possible with the first scenario being more probable.  The second scenario is quite trickly since life is long and full of changes as we age.

Some good posters are viewing marriage from a very Judeo-Christian viewpoint - and a very American Judeo-Christian viewpoint.  But, I can tell you from having lived abroad that the definition of marriage and what constitutes cheating can get a bit foggy on the edges.

I should preface that I view marriage outside of religious connotations but with the goal that I want to look my wife in the eye on my death bed and say with certainty that I never let the trust she placed in me be violated.  Out of the 6 billion people on earth I want her to know that I always had her back.
So, I don't get fuzzy around the edges regarding my marriage.

We have no idea where bengineer is from.  In France having a mistress is quite common.  Germans can have very interesting ideas of marriage, particularly East Germans.  Many Dutch and Swiss hardly get married anymore but live together and have children in that way.  Many countries in Europe only have civil unions with the religious portion left out.  Muslim's can have more than one wife if they can support them.  Some South American countries have very 'fuzzy' logic regarding monogamy (ask some about "paycheck Friday" and what that means).

My point is, we can't apply generically a definition of marriage to someone who we know nothing about other than he had his hands in someones pants for 30 seconds.  If you apply Bible belt paradigms to all situations you're going to run smack into subjective and contextual arguments about culture (no offense to Bible belters by the way).

I laid this scenario out for my wife last night and asked what she would want me to do.  She said she wouldn't want to know.  We have three kids and have learned a lot about love over our 19 years together and would rather not know.  Odd to some, there are relationships worth having that shouldn't be thrown down the gauntlet because of 30 seconds of indescretion.  

She also reaffirmed what I wrote in an earlier post that there's no way he's getting off of giving her the details.  She's not going to leave that alone.  My wife said that by telling his wife, every time he goes to class, to do a group project, or out with the boys she's going to wonder.  Trust takes a hit.  

Should trust take a hit or should he deal with it and learn from it?

I'll take the lesson and become a better man.

[girliegrl1723]

ok. so here is the OP who has already decided to be honest and tell his wife about his indescretions and here you people are trying to convince him not to? raindelay - i know you mean well and you are generally very helpful in many ways, but you're trying to walk that fine line again between whats ok and whats not ok and the simple fact of the matter is no cheating is ok. there is no such thing as "a little bit of cheating." lets not try and help this person think of clever ways to ease his conscience and not ruin his marriage. its time for him to own up to what he did and accept the consequences. just tell her what you did. be honest. yes, you may not have the marriage you once had. you may end up with no marriage at all. shoulda thought about that before you let yourself get "too close".

[becks715]

Rain is right.  As a woman if my boyfriend came to me with something like this but only told me pieces so to speak I'd hound for information.  And it would forever be in my thoughts.

Trust once bent or broken is so extermely dififcult to regain and often never does.  It may get better but that situation will always be in her mind when she's not around him, when he's at school, when he's out with the boys etc.  

Teko makes a good point.  Don't be specific bring up the attraction to other women in a sense that is generalized not specific to one girl.  That MAY make it easier for her to deal with as it's still sort of a hypothetical thing and not a specific girl where bad things happened.  But again, playing with fire as I don't know your wife nor how she will react.

Best of luck and again telling her is a sign of strength and a sign of how you value your marriage and love for her.  It may take her time to adjust to that however, so be prepared for a rocky road irregardless of how you tell her.

[raindelay]

He's already said he's going to tell her but not give her the gory details.  The question of 'to tell' or 'not to tell' is settled in his mind.  He's going to tell her.

Then..in the middle of the night, she will turn into Lorena Bobbit and that'll be the end of that.....

Seriously, I know some of you think I'm way off base by recommending he give it time before he comes clean and to question whether he should do it at all.  And, I respect and understand those inclinations.

However, I have never seen a tryst disclosure that came out good.  I know men and women who have strayed and in retrospect most said they should not have brought it up.

You ladies say don't give her the details but she's gonna hound him for the info.  Okay, I don't know her and maybe she'll break down, put her arms around him and commit to work with him to understand the root cause of the issue.

Then again there's reality.  My wife is as nice as anyone I know and she'd make me suffer for the rest of my life.  Every darn time something would go wrong a small issue would end in the "well you cheated on me" statement.  Bango.

You're forever foregoing any moral authority on anything from here on out.  Credibility and trust take a giant bullet to the heart and lay on life support.

Sure it's deserved but I again question whether all incidents are the same.  Heck, Bill Clinton didn't know that receiving oral sex was violating his marital commitment (don't get in an uproar I'm only saying that in jest).

Let's pose a realistic hypothetical:

Tonight bengineer sits her down and tells her about it.  "Honey, I love you and I feel terrible about this but I did something I shouldn't have."

Wife:  Well, what did you do?  Is everything okay?

Him:  No, I...I...remember that Jane from Economics who is in my project group."

Wife:  You mean the one who's house you went to yesterday to work on the project.

Him:  Yeah, that's her.  Well, she said she had feelings for me and came on to me."

Wife:  Well, what did you do?

Him:  Nothing for a few moments.  I'm sorry honey, really I am.  I was just in shock and didn't know how to react at first.  Nothing really happened but I felt bad about it.

Wife:  Well, what did happen then?  She knows you're married right?

Him:  Yes, she knows.  I've told her all about you and how much I love you.  But, I guess it was just a weak moment for her and me as well.

Wife:  What do you mean for you as well?  What did you do?  Did you sleep with her?  

Him:  No, no, I didn't sleep with her.  Listen, I don't want to go into details but I did something I shouldn't have and I want to tell you about it.

Wife:  What did you do?  Did you kiss her?

Him:  No..but...I..

Wife:  Did she give you oral sex?

Him:  No, No..I just...

See, he's doomed.  Several people have recommended that he tell her but just don't go into details.  Isn't withholding the information and details a grey area?  If she asks him directly - and she will - what he did, isn't he obligated to tell her under the same law of honesty?  Isn't not telling her if she asks a bit dishonest as well?

Scenario II:

Let's say bengineer doesn't tell her but learns a very valuable lesson about himself and learns that he shouldn't put himself in those situations.  Now, he goes on to be faithful to himself and his wife for the next 60 years until death do them part.  Through the years they have several challenges in raising a family, managing finances and other issues that  are severe (those things sure can be severe).

If he learns this lesson and goes on to be a great guy for the rest of his life because he learned from what he did isn't that pretty darn good afterall?

In scenario one he may never get her trust back and it may scar them for years if not forever.  In scenario II he could learn and be a better man because of it.  

He had a very brief period of time where he didn't make the right decision.  But, he didn't go further and has reached out to learn from it.

I'll take scenario II.  I was tested a few times in the first five years of our marriage.  I didn't do what he did but I sure did learn about boundaries and where I should be and shouldn't be.  I learned that there are definitely women who could give a rats about your marriage and family (men are just as bad).  

Again, I am not justifying the behavior but just thinking about this episode on a different plane than the "he's got to confess" line.

I know of no incident where telling has strengthened the relationship.  It was and continues to be used years later to smack the guy or gal everytime a good zinger is needed in a disagreement.

I'm all for honesty but this is marginal.

[Trialanderror]

You have already made up your mind to tell her, which is a great sign of strength.

If you were still undecided, I would tell you this: if you are extremely convinced that you will not be tempted to cheat in the future, I would keep the event to myself. Your wife likely still has all the faith in you that she is your one and only. Don`t take that faith from her if what happened is truly a thing of the past now. Once she has nagging doubts and sees any female in your environment as a danger, your marriage might be brittle.

So, at least spare her all the details, as you said.
Maybe she is a strong partner as well and you both come out of this as winners.

[tjmartens]

Here's the thing...whether or not you tell her doesn't erase that fact that you cheated on her. You may get peace of mind for a little while thinking you just won't tell her because you are saving her the pain but that will always be on your shoulders. Face up to what you did and the mistake you made. Come clean. It is much easier to repeat the problem if you never admit to the person you hurt what you did. If you are truly sorry confess and take it from there. There will be a lot of hurt. I KNOW...and at first she will fly off the handle...give her time. What if she finds out later... it will be much worse and she may not feel like you were sorry or felt guilty for it right away. You've taken away committment from her, at least give her honesty.

[sara......]

I think a good idea is to hypothetically reverse the situation. If your wife had cheated on you, would you want to know?