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740456 tn?1260449809

I don't think I'm over-reacting....

I would love to hear other people's opinion on this. Apparantly I'm flying off the handle bars by feeling this way, so i want to hear what other people think.

I feel like there is no use even trying to heal my relationship. We fight constantly about the stupidest things, rarely spend time together and have a huge lack of comunication.

He's the owner of a garage about 30 feet from out home. He RARELY thinks of me when I'm not right beside him, he'll run to the dep during the day (on my days off) and not ask if i want anything.... He'll get lunch ready at work and not let me know he's sitting down to eat... just stupid things like that.... He used to order lunch for me... THEN call me to let me know it was ready, he would pick me up if he was on his way out anywhere or stop by the house quickly for a kiss.... STUPID things like that... but it's changed... and I've noticed it's changed.

Another example wich i probable shouldnt make a big deal about but i feel like it shouldnt even be an issue, is from DAY ONE I've mentionned that I like him to say my name when he talks to me. Not just call me babe or darling but to include my name in sentences. It just feels more intimate. Maybe I'm anal but in the 2 and a half years we've dated he's said my name 11 times. Most of those times are right after i ask him to. I don't want to sound like a freak but it's SUCH a big deal to me, even if he doesn't understand it... and it's not hard to make me happy with his... but he says it doesnt come naturally to him.... I find that SO inconsiderate, make a mental note and DO IT. I'm not asking him to change his profession or stop driving a certain way, I'm asking him to say an extra word. Whatever.

The other morning was the straw that broke the camels back. We've had sex maybe 3 times in the past 4 months. It seems like out drives are gone. The other morning i wake up at 6 something to him kissing me and stroking my face, it was a pleasent surprise... I finally give in and he finishes in about a minute so i go to wash up, I'm gone for about 2 minutes.. maybe? come back in and he's passed out... won't wake up to me kissing him or anything... just completly passed out.

I don't think i have ever felt so used or disrespected. He keeps saying "I'm sorry i was tiered"... well I'm sorry but i was sleeping, you woke me up for it, got what you wanted and went back to sleep?!?!?!?!?! Am i over-reacting here? BTW, that was about 5-6 days ago... and we havent done anything since... I find him SOOOO inconsiderate. Is it just me?

10 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hmmmmm.  Well, I will say you sound pretty high maintenence.  Just my opinion, don't know you at all and could be completely wrong.  He goes off somewhere and doesn't ask if I need something from there, he orders lunch without me or eats without me, he doesn't stop by for a quick kiss . . .  I'm thinking you got to get some hobbies or something.  I'm in my 40's----  I'm pretty independent and DO have high expectations from the man in my life----  but a lot of that is fluffy stuff.  Sorry, but that is my opinion.

While, yes, I think you are making a huge deal out of something odd like using your name . . . that is not for me to really judge or say.  But what IS a real problem is that you made a request of him that was meaningful to you and he doesn't do it.  Do you have lots and lots (and lots and lots and lots) of requests so this one got lost in the mix?  

If you want a guy who is more thoughtful torwards you, then I think you have to move on.  You aren't going to change him most likely.  This is his personality.  He hasn't cheated on you.  He doesn't yell at you or treat you like dirt.  He just isn't overly showy or thoughtful.  It is for you to decide if that is okay with you.

I will tell you that I had a friend who this post reminded me of.  To give you an example from her . . . there was this guy she really liked and was very interested in.  He was good buddies of a guy I was dating.  We were out one time and they hit it off.  This guy (friend of my then boyfriend) called me and said he would really like to ask her out and could he have her number to do so.  I said great, but I need to just make sure with her before I give out her number (my policy with that.)  So I call her . . . and she says "no.  If he wants my number he will "work" for it.  I'm worth it."  Needless to say the guy never asked her out and she is still single 14 years later.  So, pick your battles is all I'm saying.

And I could also be way off base.  So forgive me if I am, it was just how your post read.  Good luck and I hope he comes around . . .
Avatar universal
If you have doubts now just back off and think this over you may decide he is not the one  luck  jo
184674 tn?1360860493
I agree with specialmom. On the one hand, I think you are overreacting because it sounds like the guy is dedicated to only you (and he even owns his own business, so he's got a content and comfortable life going for him, I'd assume), he's just not meeting your standards, which are, in my opinion, trivial.
On the other hand, if that's how you feel, and those issues are THAT important to you, there's nothing wrong with having standards for yourself. You are who you are, and it's important that you find someone who is compatible with your personality if you want a long term relationship. There's nothing wrong with the way you are, so you need to ask yourself if he really is the man for you. If not, then like jo929 said, back off now and don't waste your time or his anymore with a relationship that's going nowhere.

I guess the way I see it is that if he was more considerate at the beginning of your relationship, but now he's not as affectionate or considerate for little things like eating lunch with you or stopping by for a kiss, that's really pretty normal. Your relationship is not in what''s called the "honeymoon phase" anymore. However, that doesn't mean he loves you any less. So perhaps he's not making near the effort to do "stupid little things" with you or for you anymore--well, how about you? Do you go out of your way to do "stupid little things" for him on DAILY basis, or are you waiting on him to make all the moves? Are you counting only on him to be "romantic," the "knight in shining armor?" Or do you ever make regular efforts to do special things for him, "stupid little things," that you KNOW will send him over the moon?

It's a two-way street in relationships; men need affection and consideration too.

As for the pet names over calling you by your first name, again, I agree with specialmom. I don't see how it's something he is unwilling to make a conscious effort to do UNLESS you've demanded a million other little things along with it, so it's just been lost in the list of to-dos to please you.

The sex thing...I think we're all guilty of at some point in our lives, or we have the potential to be if it hasn't happened yet. I know it's been both ways in my marriage. There are just some days when one of us will be dead tired and still make the effort, then feel great afterwards, and the other will pass out cold within minutes. It happens sometimes. It just does, no couple is immune to it. Now, if it happens every single time, then yes, that's inconsiderate or I'd figure something was physically or medically wrong with him. But going by what you've said about it happening in just the last week, and saying nothing about his happening many times before, I'd say it was just one of those times. It happens.
Avatar universal
I dont think shes high maintenance at all!

I perfectly understand what you mean about feeling that he doesnt remember you or include u etc. I have felt that way, more then once with different guys. I mention it once twice or even three times. If it doesnt change, then c-ya. I put 100% into my rel. ships and if i dont get the same back, its not worth it to me. Your guy sounds selfish and very inconsiderate, the sex story (when he rolled over and went to sleep) is a very good sign of that. I know some great guys and neither of them would do that. They just dont think its an option, they have sex to please the girl, not themselves, they get of on HER pleasure, not their own. And funny thing is all of them are stuck with girls that dont give a F about them. Sad i know... I had a guy fall asleep on me once after he was done, i left in the middle of the night and went home, never spoke to him again. He turned stalker after that lol

So if your not happy, and feel that u deserve better, dont settle, fight for the best. I am single now and never been happier. I refuse to settle for second best. I dont care if that makes me sound high maintenance or whatever, i know what im worth and i know what i deserve.

i wish u all the happiness in the world. ))

740456 tn?1260449809
Let me clear things up.
Yes, I do want someone that aknowledges me at least once throughout the day. Someone who will call just to say hi or just find out how my day is going or what I'm up to. I don't think that makes me that high maintnance. He used to call me all the time, stop by all the time he used to CARE a whole heck of alot more then he does now. The reason I am home when he is at work is not because I have nothing else to do with my life but because he works 6, sometimes 7 days a week (12-15 hour days) so on the days i have off i clean the house top to bottom, do the laundry, do the groceries, prepare dinner etc... cause he won't do any of those things anymore and if i don't do them, they don't get done.

Maybe I didn't word my post properly, I erased half of it because it was getting WAY too long. When he's going to be late, regardless of whether we're supposed to be somewhere, he won't call to let me know. When he gets home at night, he won't say hi to me. He won't shower at night even though I've asked him to because he comes home reaking like oil. He generally falls asleep within 2 hours of getting home. He walks out and is gone for hours if we're talking about something he doesn't like, turns off his phone.  Will stay late at the garage drinking with his friends instead of coming home but WILL not go out with me and if i make plans with my friends to go out he gets upset and wants to come with us... that it feels like he just wants to "supervise me".

He was the most caring considerate person i had ever met when we started dating, that's what i'm b!tching about. He's changed a remarkable amount and we can't talk things out because he doesnt care to communicate.... I don't feel like I'm needed for the life style he wants to live... does that make more sense?? He never used to work this much and i really doubt that when he stays that late, that he's actually working and not just hangning out with his friends.

He won't respond to my texts but he'll respond to his friends'. I ask him every single day to put the dogs out if he gets the chance (he goes by the house about 10 times a day) and if i don't mention it one day, he won't do it. I never get upset if he doesn't get a chance to do it but i do get upset that his response is "well you didn't ask me to, today"

He talks more with his customers then he does with me, says it's because he needs to build "customer relationships".... but i guess our relationship doesn't need any building

And no, Saying my name is the only odd request I have, and quite frankly i don't care if he, or anybody else understands why it's a big deal, he only has to understand that it is a big deal to me and he should care enough to add those 3 little letters at the end of his sentence. I've never had issues with any other boyfriends about me being too demanding. I really don't think i'm a bad girlfriend, I'm generally easy going and while i do have to work on my temper because i tend to "snap", I pretty much always catch myself and appologize for it.

184674 tn?1360860493
Your last post does paint a better picture.

I'd say you're at a crossroads and you can make whatever decision you wish. Sounds to me like you already know the decision you'd like to make, you just need to act on it.

Good luck, and I hope things get better for you in whatever you decide. :-)
740456 tn?1260449809
yes, i still do those "stupid little things" that I feel you should do to keep the relationship happy. I leave lipstick notes in the mirror, leave an "i love you and i'm thinking of you" note in his car. I found a picture of his late father in a box he never unpacked, bought a beautiful frame for it and put it in the living room. Same thing with the family picture his grandmother sent him for christmas.

You should want to do those little things that make the other person feel special when you're with them, no?
184674 tn?1360860493
It really does sound like you should just move on.

I only asked because I've known plenty of girls, and seen plenty of them post here, about how they want X, Y, and Z from their man, but if anything is about them making more of an effort, they think they don't understand why.

I agree, the little things are what keeps a relationship together, and both people have to be willing to do them. If only one person ever makes the effort, along with doing all the regular demands as well (dinner, laundry, housework, yardwork, whatever...) it's not a fair trade and it's inconsiderate.

I hope you find happiness with a better man in your future, or that he comes around and changes back to the man he used to be for you.
Have you considered or tried couple's couseling?
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Let me say that I didn't mean to offend you and wasn't putting you down.  I think you are entitled to be however you would like in a relationship and have whatever expectations you desire.  But after YEARS as a therapist, I just think it may be difficult for many people to maintain the level of care you ask for.  (whatever that may be as a post is just a snippet of information-----  but from what I read, he is not meeting your needs).  You want to be cherished, adored, doted on and basically a central figure in someones life is how I first read it.  That is okay as long as you realize that a person who can keep that up indefinately is a little harder to find.  Not so much the central part to someone's life because as a couple merges together in a healthy way, they become central to one another.  They may not be just running across the street in the middle of the day to reassure you that they love you and a kiss-----  but they are thinking about you as they plan their life, thinking about you as they plan the holidays, thinking about you as they plan the weekend.  It's just that some aspects of the freshness of a relationship will go away.  

But I was by no means judging you for what your needs are.  If I had to guess-----  and you DID ask for opinoins-----  this guy is getting tired of things himself.   He is not willing/able to put forth the effort you want.   It is getting less as the relationship goes on.  You're getting tired of wanting more.  I think I'd have a heart to heart with him and see if you can compromise.  If he'll call you by your name and you let him smell like oil on the nights he's exhausted after 15 hours of work . . . maybe it will work out?  

Dating is to find out if someone is a match.  Living together (which I think you do, right?) is for the same thing.  If he isn't a match-----  it is understandable to try to find someone who will be better suited to you.  

Again, I'm really not trying to upset you but am just trying to help.  I think sometimes looking at things from someone else's point of view can help us deal with a situation better.  Life only gets harder as you move on in life.  As you add kids to the mix, bigger bills, etc.  things get harder.  So be as happy as possible as you start off on that journey.  Good luck and best wishes.
684030 tn?1415612323
Sometimes people become very sloppy and lazy in a relationship.
It is what is called... complacency. A relationship shouldn't be that way... but, a lot
of times, it is. Tell him that being called "babe" and "darling" are all well and fine; but
it warm your heart to hear the mention of your name, once in a while. Also tell him that more quality time and attention... like doing some of those silly "stupid little things" that he used to do, would give you a more appreciated feeling.  
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