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Avatar universal

I feel inadequate in sex because of my wifes past relationships

I've been married for ten years and love my wife. She is the first person I've ever had sex with, I chose to save myself for the right person. Shortly after dating she told me she had been with at least 15 other men, I cared deeply about her from the moment I saw her and didn't think much into it,we live in a small town were I actually run into some of her past partners, it didn't bother me at first but lately I've been feeling completely inadequate in our sex life that our marriage is suffering, she told me in great detail about some of her experiences and now when we try to have sex those thoughts and images pop into my head, making a physical and emotional relationship with her very difficult. I also struggle with premature ejaculation though I'm getting a handle on that it just adds to my worries. I always feel she thinks about her past endeavors, because she is still in contact with some of these people. I get mad at her and tell her to stop talking with them and how it makes me feel when she does, facebook has made it worse she has alot of guy friends on there most of which I do not know,I ask her why she won't stop communication with them and she tells me not to worry about it that it was just sex, that confuses me, if it was just sex why does she feel the need to stay in touch with these people. I've had a couple old friends that were girls and she saw me post a comment on one of there pages and got furious, I deleted my facebook because of this thinking in turn she may do the same but that wasn't the case. Facebook isn't the problem I know if she didn't have she would still find ways to talk to them, I don't think she's ever cheated but because I feel so inadequate I'm afraid it's only a matter of time, also I've never made her orgasm on my own she usually masterbates after sex and asks me to leave the room, anyways is there something wrong with me?
7 Responses
Avatar universal
There is nothing 'wrong' with You feeling this way -  but I find plenty of fault with Your Wife

In my opinion SHE has issues.   For whatever 'reason' She is actively keeping You 'off balance' with Her behavior and THAT has 'fed' Your insecurity.  There is a LOT of 'power' in that for Her

I would seek couples couples counseling.  Otherwise, this will only continue to escalate.


Avatar universal
That's really rude of your wife to brag about her past partners to you. She sounds like a horrible person. No wonder you feel bad, I'm sure most guys in your situation would feel similarly. Tell her to shut up about all of those past guys because there's zero reason for her to bring it up at all. I'm sure if she was more living and kind toward you, it would go a long way towards helping you not feel so inadequate. The longer she keeps up the rude attitude against you, the longer you'll feel in this rut.
973741 tn?1342346373
Secondary gain also comes to mind.  I have a friend that keeps guy friends on a string that she has no real interest in but enjoys the attention.  It's kind of a sickness.

I think facebook is very harmful to relationships when used in the manner she is using it.  

I can't imagine if my partner if asked about girls on his facebook page responded to me "don't worry, it was just sex".  I mean, it may be true, but what is it now?  

I agree to seek therapy.  You need to know why she is attached to her past.  good luck
Avatar universal

Sounds like your wife has no boundaries and she is a "do as I say and not as I do" person.  You sound perfectly rational whereas she........ISN'T.

I don't think she would be open to therapy because it sounds like she is having her cake and enjoying it too.  I would recommend you seek therapy to give you the tools to deal with this situation.  

When she starts talking this nonsense I would zone her out or change the subject quickly.
3060903 tn?1398568723
Sorry to hear you're upset by your wife's insensitivity towards you. Of course this can help to  make you feel inadequate, and that is so not what marriage is supposed to be about. One would think that she had a modicum of decency and humility about her adventurist past, especially if you come from a small town and you're forced to meet up with her past meaningless sex buddies.

I think that initially you should find a good therapist for you to talk to, and might i suggest a woman at that. i think that it would be polarizing for you to talk to a good woman that talks about how your personal boundaries have been trampled on, and should your wife agree to counseling, i think it would be good for her also to see another women supporting you.

All the best friend , please keep us up to date on how things are progressing for you. .
Avatar universal
"she told me in great detail about some of her experiences", "she is still in contact with some of these people", "she tells me not to worry about it that it was just sex",  "I've never made her orgasm".

That's totally jacked! I couldn't DEAL with all that! It's too much. Would be on my mind every waking minute and drive me to distraction. If it were me, I'd bail. Find another gf. No babe is worth all that stress.

At a minimum you should ask her if she could at least keep the story telling of past sexual experiences to herself. If she asks why, be honest. Explain how much she's boring the s**t out of you everytime she starts droning on and on like she does. Also...you should learn how to do her orally. That'll make her c*m. Guaranteed. Good luck!
Avatar universal
Man..she's taking you for a ride !   There's no reason for her to be contacting and socializing with her past "friends" unless she's keeping options open.   She apparently has so sensitivity for what sex is supposed to be about.  Especially marital sex.     She hangs on to her past but gets furious if you chat with women who were actually just friends?  This gal has some real issues....  you need to do some serious thinking about you situation....something is surely wrong here.
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