Relationships Community
6.42k Members
Avatar universal

I just found out my sons father had a girlfriend since 2015. What should I do?

I met my sons father on a dating site in 2015. He expressed interest in me and we decided to meet each other (he portrayed himself as a single man). We talked and got to know each other, then things got serious (so I thought). He would always expressed to me that he cared for me and led me to believe that eventually we would be together, but he then would say that he wanted to take it slow because he was hurt in the past. I believed him. He would talk about our future together but never wanted to commit. We were having sex with each other which then led him to asking me to have unprotected sex with him. I said yes because I thought we were exclusive. I remember seeing his gf on FB and I asked him who she was and he said his best friend from high school. I believed him because I have a male best friend from high school. Later in 2016, I went out of the state and I met a guy that expressed interest in me. Since I was single, we exchanged numbers. I came back and told him about the guy I met (to make him jealous, then maybe he would make me his gf). Shortly after I ended up pregnant. When I told him I was pregnant, he was calm but I was upset. Then he told me to get an abortion. He already knew I would never get another abortion based on our conversation when we first met. I decided to keep my baby. His dad was not there for my entire pregnancy or the birth. He states that he does not feel that my child was his based off me telling him about the guy in the other state even though I never did anything with the other guy. He received his paternity test and of course it is his son. Fast forward to now...my son is five months old and I decided to start flirting with my child’s father because even though I felt he “did me dirty” I still wanted my son to have a family. I kissed my child’s father out of nowhere one day and two days later during texting he tells me I can’t kiss him because he has a gf and they got together while I was pregnant. I didn’t believe him so I continued to flirt with him (I was horny; didn’t have none for my entire pregnancy and after). His sister texts me and tells me that I need to know my boundaries and stop flirting with her brother because he has a longtime gf and she is the girl on his profile pic. So I found the girl on Facebook and asked her about this and she tells me they have been together since June 2015 and that she has known about me since nov 2016. She says that she decided to still by my child’s father. Of course I was devastated to find this out especially not hearing it from my child’s father. Now his gf says she wants to meet me because they both state that they are going to stay together. I do not want her around my son right now. I don’t know how to feel about any of this. What should I do? Should I go through the courts? Should I allow her to see my son?
5 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
I don't see any reason to go through the courts about the woman, she is no relation to you or to your son. But you will need to go through the courts to get the guy declared the dad so you can collect child support. No more flirting with him, no more kissing, it's going to have to be purely a platonic relationship for the sake of your child.
I was debating on going through the court to put him on cs and get full custody. I still don’t believe he had a gf this whole time. He was always at my house spending the night.  Idk why I had a thought that maybe this All was planned because idk a woman that would take a guy back after that. Maybe she couldn’t have kids of her own or something. Idk. But I am struggling because I really do not want her around my son.
973741 tn?1342342773
Sweetie, he did lie.  But he also was clear.  He wasn't ever acting like your boyfriend.  You have to take yourself OUT of the equation here.  You made a child with someone you were not in a committed relationship with.  That was your choice. He wanted you to abort.  I certainly respect your decision but that is a clear message that this wasn't going to be a happy family in the end if you kept the child.  That he has a long term girlfriend does not impact his being a father to your kiddo.  And THAT is so much ore important than hurt feelings of you here.  Being a mom first, you have to put your hurt aside. This girlfriend didn't do anything wrong, by the way.  HE did.  And she is in the father of your child's life and will be forever.  So, you will have to understand that you can not control this.  She may be an ally for you with regards to your son!  You need her to be, frankly.  

Agree to be purely platonic.  This is not a man you will be with romantically again.  and he has a girlfriend.  And your goal is for him to be a father to your child.  He will need to form his own relationship with him separate from you as this is always the case when parents aren't together.  And his life involves his girlfriend.  So at some point, you'll have to get over this.  YOu can maybe say to her that you will warm up to this idea but are adjusting and to give you time.  But don't make your son suffer by your own emotions of being lied to by his dad.  good luck
And your theory of their planning this doesn't really make sense with his desire for you to abort the baby in the beginning.  good luck
and pps, please know that I'm empathetic to you.  I'm sure your heart aches over all of this.  
Even though he knew 100% that I would never get an abortion
134578 tn?1614729226
You sound like you think if you have something (that is, a baby) that often comes after a couple is in a committed relationship, that a committed relationship existed, too. (Though you yourself said he never was willing to "make you his gf.") The guy never led you to believe this was a committed relationship and obviously did not want a baby. You were just someone he met on a dating site who was willing to sleep with him if he said a few nice things every now and then.

The notion that somehow there was a dark plot because his girlfriend cannot have children -- please recognize this for a total fantasy invented to justify your anger at being told the guy is emotionally connected to someone else. She probably is not too thrilled that the baby exists but is trying to do things right for her boyfriend's sake. This makes her sound like a decent person, especially given how bad his behavior has been.

By all means, try for sole custody. But keep in mind that if you want child support, the father does have the right to be in the child's life.
Yes, I want him in his life
973741 tn?1342342773
This is a hard situation.  I've also longed for someone to be my partner (way back when . . .) but then reality set in.  They were never going down that road with me.  It hurts.  Rejection hurts.  The stakes became higher when you had his child.  I am sure this all really hurts.  But don't make it about fighting over your son.  What is done is done.  He's not going to be with you.  He is with someone else.  So NOW, you have to move forward.  Your dream has been abruptly ended. So, that takes a little time to adjust to it.  But this is what it is. You now have a child that you chose to keep that DESERVES to have a father and a mother. If they are not together, that is not your child's fault.  They are innocent in all of this and your child will suffer if you decide because you don't like his girlfriend, don't like that he chose her over you, etc. that dad can't be a big part of his life.  And reality again is that he's in a relationship.  The woman is probably also seriously adjusting to all of this.  She can not be thrilled that her boyfriend has a child with someone else.  

Anyway, don't make it more awkward by making big rules.  Reasonable custody privileges for your child would be in their best interest.  And that this woman bonds with your child and your child bonds with her, while wow, that really burns and hurts, is best for your kiddo.  I'm again, REALLY sorry as I know this is all hard.  Do you have much family support?
Yes, I have a lot of family support.
3060903 tn?1398565123
It hurts that this man essentially chose this other women, and stayed with her , regardless of your relationship with him, and now with the fact that you have his baby, but it is what it is. He made his intentions, clear that he did not want you to have his child (or probably anyone) . He wanted to be single, and have a girlfriend, and have other girlfriends, that's who he is. and that may be what he remains to be. or he may grow some being a dad, one cannot tell at this stage.

I don't know if this man is capable of being the best father. He certainly doesn't win awards for integrity, but he is the father you chose to procreate with. Knowing that he is not available to you, means that there will be another women in your child's life or many other women in your child's life. You will not be able to control this, unless he does something that you can get the courts to tell him how and when he can see his child.  That is often difficult in the early years, and the baby will not be able to speak up and talk about what goes on in the home. For  this reason, i would look at it as a good thing that this women who is going to be the women that he shows his child as being his girlfriend (regardless of how many other girlfriends he may have) - this way you can get to know this women yourself and get an idea as to whether she would be a safe person for your child to be around (see if she exhibits REAL concerns, ie. mental health issues etc when you're talking with her, the more you can get to know her the better in my opinion.  I can tell you that it will mess up your kid if you place loyalty to you above the child learning to live with the hand that has been dealt him (that his parents were never together, and that his dad was with another women when you had a baby. ) That's a hard enough thing for your child to deal with, it has to be dealt with effectively or it could scar him. If the 3 of you could talk, you might ask if it was okay to tell the child that you and this guy were together when he was born, but decided that you would break up and just be parents together. If you can get him to see that the child's best interests are most important - you'll have done the best you can do. . The fact that this women cannot have children is purely coincidental, after all, the father told you to abort, knowing that his girlfriend cannot have children.

Ideally, the father will be able to step up as a dad, and learn to be a good one, if it's not in his DNA to do so easily (and it may not be - he may have been abused as a child and that's why he wants no children, knowing that he just wouldn't be a good dad - like my brothers who have chosen not to have children).   I

I think that you should look at the consistency of this women in your son's father's life is the best you can do.  This will be a better scenario for your son when he visits, not to visit an array of other leading ladies, at least with this one, you know (if you get to know her which i suggest you do when you can).

I think you need to take the .... you out of this equation. Hopefully you will also have a mate down the line, and you can both co parent with step parents on both sides that will treat your son with love and respect and care about how he grows to be a loving caring well balanced individual.

It WILL HELP you to talk to a therapist right away for the express purpose of getting your emotions under control so that you can objectively be the best parent to your son, and sway these other wild cards to also be the best of what they can be, for your son.  Be careful not to alienate someone for no good reason. This women has done nothing wrong, and she will not be the only women that has input into your son's life , other than you. He will have nursery school teachers, grade school teachers, middle school teachers, friends mother's and dad's, and friend's step parents, that WILL HAVE INPUT INTO HIS LFIE.

YOU have chosen a non traditional set of circumstances that will affect his sense of self, if you are not well versed in being sensitive to what his needs are now, and in the future.

I'm glad you came to Medhelp, You are in a position where you need the help of others to make sure your son is as well balanced as can be. I'm glad you're here, and i hope you gain the support of a life coach that can give you the objectivity that you need to do the best by your little guy. Hoping this helps. I'm here if you want to talk.

Thank you sooo much
Have an Answer?
Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
For people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the COVID-19 pandemic can be particularly challenging.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Here’s how your baby’s growing in your body each week.
These common ADD/ADHD myths could already be hurting your child