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Avatar universal

I just want to know how YOU would feel

I got asked the other night if I was worried my husband was gonna cross the the line on his bday if he went to a strip club (hes not going at all me and my girls were just talking) blah blah not important.well I said I wasn't worried he would cross the line I was worried he would cross the line and I wouldn't find out. I went on to say that I dont want to be with someone who would cross the line so if I knew no biggy id take care of it BUT if I didnt find out I would be left clueless and looking stupid.  Well my friends acted like I was a heartless ***** for thinking that way? But im so confused lol
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Avatar universal
i know that feeling my bf said he was gonna go to a strip club and i thought i cant handle that him looking at other girls to me thats cheating means he wants more than what he has got if he respected you he shudent do that because then i thought wait a min i can dress up and be like them do some roleplay but meh no answer,its a contant worry i think i would wanna do something in return like revenge to make him feel like you do. prob crazy talk but i know i cant handle that be really heartbroken.
whos he going to a strip club with?
why cant you go with him i know guys wanna spend bday with friends but i think its selfish if they dont take there gf to a place like that or i thought hed wanna spend his birthday with you x strip clubs are for single people i think.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think couples have to figure out what they are comfortable with in terms of their partners actions.  Between you and your husband anonymousabc, talk about what you are comfort level is.  If you are uncomfortable with the strip club business, then make it clear.  I really wouldn't love it either if my husband wanted to go sincerely.  I'd really wonder why.  So, I think that is a valid feeling you have.

I think where I kept getting confused is how your friends fit into things.  they think you are being too demanding for him not wanting to go??  

I have this thing with friends---  we chat and if we disagree, no problem.  If I start to feel judged, then I just kind of withdraw from the conversation.  I might ask a friend later why they said what they did if I really wanted to see if my thinking was off but otherwise, I would just have faith that I'm doing what is right for me.  

And it sounds like you are doing what is right for you and that's the right thing.  peace
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Avatar universal
Thanks
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Avatar universal
Agree with Tink.  We certainly can't say "most men" do this.

I am glad my man has spent and is spending the "quarters" of his life focusing on something other than seduction, sex, what he had or didn't have or what he lost, what he wants back....etc., etc., etc.  

My husband isn't into strip clubs at all.  
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Avatar universal
With all due respect Life, I don't think what You describe (re:strip clubs) is necessarily "most" men.  Perhaps most of the men YOU know(?)

but that would still not NECESSARILY be 'most men'........just saying.

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Avatar universal
According to another post of yours this has been an ongoing issue with you and your husband (referring to your post from January)...........you not agreeing with the idea and him wanting to go with his buddies for his 21st birthday to a strip club.  

To be perfectly honest he can "cross the line" in other places besides a strip club if he chose to.  He is young and young guys like to hang out with their buddies and some frequent strip clubs.  This is nothing unusual.  In reality he can cheat on you anywhere.......bar, strip club, in a car, in the home of another woman, etc.

Sounds like you don't trust him.  Is there a reason not to trust him?

I'd let him go and have a night out with his friends.  






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Avatar universal
Hes never been he just said his friends were talking about taking him but its not an issue hes not going. Really the only reason I posted this was to see if anyone got where I was coming from with the conversation I had with my friends. I just through in my opinion of bar vs strip clubs because im a very opinionated person lol
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3149845 tn?1506627771
I would say that most men who donot have any religious convictions that drive by a strip club think in there minds "that looks like a fun place". Visions of erotica, bouncing nudie girls, attention getting movements. I dont know as just trying to be realistic about the subject.
Lets face it, men spend the first quarter of their lives being suduced by women, the next quarter getting used to one women, the next quarter trying to bring back good ole times and the last quarter wishing they could get back the sexual abilities they lost.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay, so really---  the issue is you don't want your husband to go to strip clubs.  Does he like to go?
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Avatar universal
I feel like anything you could get a strip club you could get a bar... minus the naked girls lol I could see going for a bachelor party cause if thats someone else's thing but to go for your own I dont agree with that. And yea I know its complicated I didn't mean for it to be I was just trying to get peoples views on that discussion lol but thank you all
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I really don't think going to a strip club is cheating.  I'm confused by that.  What do you think would happen---  he'd be solicited for sex by one of the dancers and then you'd find out later and be super upset and divorce but if you knew about it, you'd deal with it?  

I'm still confused.  LOL

Personally, I think strip clubs are pretty harmless if you go just to hang out with your buddies and have a laugh for a night. I agree with Rockrose that it is probably rare for married men because there are very few of these clubs.  Well, this can also be due to no one wanting them near their neighborhood and seedy things that might go on with them . . .   but none the less, there really aren't many of them.  

My husband has had invitations to go for bachelor parties (and we have friends who have married later so this is in the past 5 to 10 years) and business customers or managers from his company that he is traveling with.  As I said, my husband gets embarrassed and isn't really into it so he has gone maybe 2 times in the past 10 years and they were bachelor parties and he took his bosses boss to one a few years ago when he demanded it.  We just laugh about it.  

Anyway, I'm still not sure what you are talking about but I WOULD stop discussing it with your friends.  It's not worth them giving you a hard time over something none of their business if it bothers you.  
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Avatar universal
I think thats what my friends thought too :/ they were all like oh I would be so sad! I dont know what I would do! Id cry myself to sleep for the rest of my life! (Dramatic) and i just cant see wasting the time and energy on being so upset on someone that cares so little about you. But ive never had a brokenheart eeither so maybe im just hard to the idea of it.
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13167 tn?1327194124
I think that's a really unusual attitude,  Jessa,  and my guess is you're not fully picturing how you would respond.  But then again,  you are you and I"m not in your head.

You can't just shut off caring like that - if you find out he crossed whatever line it is you are imagining,  then right then you would completely stop caring about him and it would be no big deal at all - because you instantaneously stopped caring about him - to leave.

I think that's a very unusual reaction.
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Avatar universal
Sorry I know this is odd lol its juat been on my mind lol
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Avatar universal
My friends wanted to know why I wasn't okay with him going (if he did because he did try making plans to go that I shut down right away) i said it made me uncomfortable. They asked if it was because I thought he might cross some kind of line. They thought my answer was cold because I wouldn't wanna be with someone who cheated on me so if he did I wouldn't be heart broken because obviously hes not the man I think he is IF he cheated on me I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. The thought of me not finding out about him cheating  botherers me more then the actual cheating
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13167 tn?1327194124
Life,  that's interesting.  

I wonder what percentage of married men regularly go to strip clubs?  By regularly,  I mean at least once a year.  I think every guy in his youth has gotten a wild hair and gone to one as a bachelor party or 21st birthday party celebration.

I'd say less than 5% of married men regularly go to strip joints.  I base this on how very few strip joints there are.

What do you think?  I really don't know any men - at all  - who to see strippers.  The one guy I did know 20 years ago was an unbelievably creepy cheater and now he's divorced.
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi, him going to the club just depends on the type of guy he is and you would know the answer to this. If we speak in generalizations, i would say that most men that dont have any religious convictions or are not from old school marriage would go, as a night out with the boys.
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13167 tn?1327194124
This is incredibly confusing.

Your husbands birthday is coming up,  and he's not planning to celebrate it at a strip club.

But if he DID celebrate it at a strip club and crossed some kind of line there,  you'd only be upset about it if you didn't know about it so you could divorce him for it.  

So it wouldn't be upsetting to be cheated on if you found out about it so you could leave him.

Honestly,  I'm as confused as your friends.  :(
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, and I don't think the wives look stupid that I know of their husband's having lap dances.  I think the husbands are kind of stupid.  :>)  

But either way you want to handle it is fine.  If knowing about it so you could be up front would be better for you, then tell him that.  
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm.  I'm trying to figure out what you are asking.  This is a fictitious, made up scenario, right?

I wouldn't dwell on it if it is.  It's not that important.

what happens between your husband and you is your business and girlfriends approval is not necessary.  

Tell your husband that for the record, you don't think he'll cross the line at some point in his life at a strip bar and if he did--  you'd be heartbroken.

Leave it at that and any further worrying about this situation and discussion with your friends seems kind of a waste of energy in my opinion.  

But if you are asking my opinion on the subject---  I don't know what you mean by crossing the line.  I DO know many of my husband's friends that he has privately told me they had lap dances in the back of the gentlemen's establishment and these are good husbands and fathers that are very family oriented.  Would I love my husband doing that?  Not at all.  (my husband thinks the whole thing is humiliating for both the patron and the dancer and says he has no interest).  If my husband DID do that, I'd never want to know.  But again, I don't know exactly what you mean by crossing the line.  

But that is a discussion between you and husband instead of you and girlfriends.  :>)
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