I need relationship advice...

[nancy62]

Hello my name is Nancy, and i'm in need of some relationship advice. I have been in a relationship for 2 years, i have gone through a lot being in this relationship that i feel any other person wouldn't put up with. i had never been in a serious relationship before and my question is for anyone who is in a relationship and has had more experience in relationships or anyone who can help me understand what is going on. So here i go with my story and question, Im 24 years old and only been in one serious relationship, my boyfriend and i have had many problems but we still stay together. My bf has never been married but has 2 kids with an ex gf. I never had a problem with him having kids, and i had never had a problem with his ex the mother of his kids the first year i never mentioned her or even thought about her. Last year in March when i was still in college i got to meet her not like i wanted to but thats how it happen. So let me state that Wednesday's use to be the day were my bf and i use to get to see each other because he goes to Law School and i was still in undergrad so that was the only free day we both had.  So on this particular wednesday i went to help a teacher at my school with a project (this is something i would do before i went to see him) this day he just wanted me to go over with out stoping at school, he got upset and texted me not to go over anymore. After leaving school i sat in my car at the school parking lot calling him and he never responded i took it upon myself just to go over to his place since he lived so close to where i was. I just had a feeling to go, i got to his apartment and saw that his car wasn't there so i got off my car and just went upstairs i heard the tv on and i decided to knock to my surprise i heard footsteps that sounded like heels my heart just dropped right there. His ex open the door and he wasn't there he had taken their daughter to her moms house according to her, i waited for him at his place with her for 2 hours he knew i was there cause she had told him. She was acting like she owned the place using his computer, drinking from his cup getting up to use his bathroom all that stuff that i know one should do. She left before he got home i was waiting by myself and he basically didnt say much i asked him what she was doing  at his place and according to him they needed to talk about the kids. we b broke up and he never called me for a month. I gave him another chance and later during July he moved to a different apartment and found her in there as well  but he was there and so were the kids. She basically called me every name in the book meanwhile he didnt say a word to defend me, i left crying and didnt hear from him in weeks. As u may know he explained and i stayed with him. Now something that has always been an issue in the relationship is that he is to busy with Law School that he doesnt really take time to talk to me. We have recently been arguing about how he doesnt take time to text me or call me its always me doing that. I could be busy but i find time to call him. He tells me that he hates talking on the phone, yesterday (4-22-11) he went to school and he texted me that he might stop by my place and that he would let me know around 4pm i called him cause it was getting late and i just wanted to know if he was coming or not he didnt pick up  until i called him a couple of times he finally picked up and he sounded upset he said he was busy and that he was home. So i asked him why he hadn't call me to tell me he told me not to question him that he had to do something and he couldnt talk to me i started getting really sad and i started crying and he said there was no reason for me to cry that i was too needy and selfish because i wanted to talk to him  and he needed to do something , everytime i asked him why he couldnt talk to the person he says he loves he said he was busy. He hung up on me and i called him for an hour and texted him to please pick up he never responded i was a mess crying and thinking why would he do that to his gf if he loves me? Im sorry i wrote so much but its something i think i needed to let the readers know before getting your advice. He has always told me his school is important and i understand that but a text message to your gf takes seconds to send and it doesnt take all his time and he just doesnt seem to think that i just need to know he cares. I guess my questions are, is this ok for him to do? And why does he hurt me like that and say im selfish and needy when i barely get to see him or talk to him? and what do you guys think about him being busy  with school all the time according to him? I hurt when he says im needy because i just want to talk to him and he always tells me his to busy. Its driving me crazy how he can say he love me and the next day they he wont want to talk to me. It depressing Please give me your advice please... Thank u

[nancy62]

Thank you everyone who commented i will see what happens after this!

[skippy12]

You have been together for a while.  That says something.  However, he does seem to be unsure about your future by the way he's acting.  Complications with children and an ex can sometimes come between you and unfortunately it seems to be the case now.  Communication is very important in any relationship.  It seems like you must set some boundries and rules.  Ask him if he sees a future for the both of you.  If he says yes then sit down and draw out a plan.  Tell him how you feel about his relationship with his ex-wife.  What is acceptable and what is not.  What time is available for being together since you are both going to school, etc.  Try to develope an understanding about each others needs and desires.  Since this is your first time in love and in a relationship maybe you could talk to your Mother, sister or another woman who has more experience.  You are not being clingy or needy.  You have legitamite concerns.  You are uncertain and feel insecure in your relationship because of the way he is acting.  He needs to be honest with you and tell you how he feels,  You must be willing to hear the truth even if it's not what you want to hear.  Even if it hurts.  You must be able to allow him his freedom of choice.  To love unconditionally means to accept the other person for what they feel and not try to change them.  You must let them be free to choose.  Then you are free to choose what is best for you.  If he cannot love you or give you what you need, you must let him go.  If the love is true, he will come back.  Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight...God is love...

[Magdelenna]

I agree with brice1967. Sorry but you are the only one in this relationship and you need to find someone who loves  you more than you love him.

[icandi]

Hi. I have been where you are and quite frankly it hurts. It hurts bad. I agree with "brice" comments. Allow this to be a learning experience and begin to focus more on you. Taking time for yourself will really help the healing process from the damage done from this relationship. All the best to you.

[brice1967]

It's unfortunate that you are going through this.  It doesn't seem real fair, does it?  Well, you've asked for some advice and I am going to offer you some.  I am not trying to upset you, but I am going to be perhaps a bit blunt.

You mentioned that he said that you are "needy".  It sounds like perhaps you are a bit needy.  What you'd like to have happen is have a boyfriend that is straight forward with you.  Clearly you aren't getting that.  In my opinion, that does not make you needy at all, but that is how he perceives it.  That's unfortunate.

Secondly, it really sounds like you are the one trying here.  Relationships are, or at least should be built on trust, respect, mutual admiration, etc.  One of the critical elements of a relationship is communication.  Although it looks as if you are trying to communicate, he isn't hearing it.  Part of communication is hearing.... not just listening, but hearing.  From the looks of things, he just doesn't seem to be that interested or would like to have you around as a matter of convenience.  For a lack of a better word, that *****!

As much as it may sting right now, I'd start creating a bit of distance... start letting go.  While doing this, concentrate on all things you.  (The relationship was good, now not so good)  Do things for you.  It does sound as if your self esteem has been damaged, and from your description of events, I can see how.  I'm not saying throw yourself back on the market, but get wrapped up in school or start hanging with friends again.  

You do not need a man in your life who is going to treat you this way.  You need to realize that you are worthy of a great relationship, and you should not settle for anything less.  If it takes a while to find that, good.  Be choosey, be picky.  This is your life and you should have full control over whom you share it with.  WE are only here once... you have to make this one count.  Chalk this relationship up as a learning experience...

Just relax, be you, and don't be desperate or even seem desperate.  You can always request a sit down with him.  Tell him exactly how you feel, explain your frustration, and be prepared for him to say anything.  Making distance now will make a face to face meeting easier for acceptance.  Look at the relationship now and accept it as it is.... move forward.

[RainLover71]

Your doing everything you can to make the relationship work and he,s not.Also its tough when he,s had another relationship and has had children with this woman means she is always going to be in the picture and she doesn,t sound very nice.You on the other hand have made every attempt to embrace the children and be nice to her.If your boyfriend really loves you he needs to make time for you and make a committment to you.Obviously that,s just not happening.If someone really wants to be with you they will move mountains to make it happen.All the best