Avatar universal

I need some advice

My boyfriend of about 2 years went up to Alaska for a job interview and came back wanting to be single. Before he left he was talking about marriage and how much he loved me and came back saying he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He said his heart isn't in the relationship anymore. For those of you who know a little more about relationships than me, is it really possible to all of the sudden stop loving the person you have been with for no apparent reason? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get him back or change his mind or if I even can do that. I guess it is just hard for me to understand how a person can all of the sudden stop loving another person out of the blue. Does anyone have any advice for me?
18 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124
Hmm.  If you and he were married and he did this,  I'd think the chances are 99% that he has another girlfriend.

But since you're not,  it's not all that clear that he ever wanted to be married at all,  maybe he was just going along because the relationship was fun at the time.  

Going off to Alaska for a job interview does sort of indicate he wants a huge,  major change.  

Can I ask how old you both are?   If he's older than 30 and never married,  chances are good he just doesn't want to marry.
82861 tn?1333453911
What CAN you do?  Your chances of changing his mind are about 0 to none.  His reasons really shouldn't be important to you any longer.  He has already made his decision to live his life without you.  He has shown himself to be fickle and shallow at best, so why would you want that kind of person in your life?
Avatar universal
You know i always tell myself if it is meant to be it will be. Obviously when he took that trip he had time to think and maybe time to do other things also. He actually thought about it and said to himself like oh no i cant do that or maybe he is scared to take that next step. If he doesnt want to be with you then move on. Thats the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. Believe me if he really wants to be with you he will come back to you. Until then move on LOVE YOURSELF, ENJOY LIFE, AND ENJOY YOU!
Avatar universal
Thanks for all of the advice so far. Its just really hard to get through. I am the type of person who has a hard time opening up to people because I am afraid of getting hurt, and that is what exactly happened to me. Its hard to give up the person you love and it just seems as if he doesn't care about me anymore which hurts also. I know that if it was meant to be it will be but its still hard to understand and cope with. I just keep hoping this is a big joke, but I know its not. Things just keep getting worse. I am still young, but I thought I had everything figured out and everything just seemed to fit into place and in the town I am from, there really isn't anyone to meet and I don't want to meet anyone else or fall in love with anyone else. Its hard to enjoy myself and life because all I can think about is him and how I wish I was hanging out with him or by him. I'm just really struggling with the whole thing and he just seems like its not affecting him at all.
13167 tn?1327194124
Hunter,  it's not affecting him at all,  you're probably right.  He's ready to be out of the relationship for whatever reason,  and you're there still in love and going through an actual brain chemical withdrawal.  What you're going through is painful,  and very hard.

It gets better.  Keep going through the motions - shower,  exercise,  eat,  sleep,  and you'll get through it.  

BTW - Maybe you could move to a different town?  Living somewhere where you know there won't be anyone to meet is self-defeating.

Best wishes.
292862 tn?1194448886
First off, did he really go up there for an interview?  I was in a similiar situation.  He never really said why but I know it had to do with him finding someone else or seeing what else was out there and realizing he wasn't ready to settle down.  If he's young than age might have something to do with it, they seemed to get confused and not know what they want and than in the long run end up regreting it.  I'm really sorry that he did this to you but take it as a learning experience and move on.  It's gonna take some time and there will be days when it's unbearable but one day when you find your Prince you'll be thankful you didn't end up with him.  If someone can hurt you like that than he's not worth it, don't let him see that it's bringing you down, some men feed off of that.  Take some time and just focus on yourself and what it is you want out of life.  I wish you the best.
Avatar universal
He did go to Alaska for an interview. He graduates in May from college and in June he will be moving up to Alaska for a job. Its hard to think about finding my Prince, because I thought I had him. He was the nicest guy and would do anything to make me smile. He wasn't the ordinary guy, until he came back from Alaska. I know it will be hard. He told me he just wants a couple months to figure everything out and still wants me as his girlfriend during that time, but it doesn't make sense. He wants me to be his girlfriend but yet he wants his space and doesn't want to hang out with me except for when he goes back on the weekends to visit his family. Its just making me more confused. I know he doesn't want to be with me because of what he has said, but then why would he still keep hanging on to me until he figures everything out?!
82861 tn?1333453911
Hunter, if you were my daughter I'd have to sit you down and smack some sense into you.  Stop being a doormat for this guy!  He has made, and announced, his plans for the future and they don't include you.  Please have enough respect for yourself to make the break and don't hang on to him for the next 2 months.  He will still end up riding off into the Alaskan sunset - without you.  He is hanging on to you as a security (and possibly sexual?) blanket.  Period.

Let this loser and user go.  It's time to focus on what you want in life aside from a partner.  The right person will come in time, and usually when you are least looking for it.  For now, plan your own life.  Make your own friends.  Make a good life for yourself independent of some guy.  Revel in your own independence, accomplishments and interests for your own sake.  You really don't have to have a man to make your life worth living, and you might just be surprised when you realize that yourself.  Trust me: you are stronger than you think you are right now.

Give yourself some time to heal from the disillusionment this jerk has handed to you before you start dating again.  I suspect I'm probably twice your age, and I've been in your shoes and know how it feels.  And yes, time really does heal all wounds - at least, wounds of the heart.  Take care of your own life for now, and worry about merging it with someone else when it really is right.  :-)
Avatar universal
I appreciate all of the advice so far! I'm just trying to get through one day at a time. I wish I could move somewhere new, but I don't think that is a possibility. I don't have the finances for it. Right now I'm paying for school and also paying off my loans for school. Money is a little tight right now, so I don't know if I could just pick up and leave.  I know it will take time, its just hard. Everywhere I go I see someone that brings up the situation. I don't think that I have eaten a meal in about 3 weeks because I've been sick to my stomach about the whole thing. And I can't just get away because I really don't have any friends anymore since I no longer drink. But I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice that has been given to me! Its helping me cope a little better!
Avatar universal
did you plan on moving with him if and when he got this job? how long were you guys together before all this happend?
Avatar universal
Before he went up for the interview, he told me that if he got the job he was taking me with him. We have been together for almost 2 years and he went up for his interview about 3 weeks ago. Before he left, he was telling my how much he loved me and that he can't wait for us to move to Alaska together if he got the job. He had even talked about shopping for engagement rings. But when he came back from his trip 4 days later witht he job offer, he came back with a different outlook. He wanted to go up there alone, and wanted to be single. He told me that he doesn't love me anymore and that his heart isn't in the relationship. Its just hard to understand how emotions can change so suddenly.
Avatar universal
I went thru something similar.  I was completely in love with this guy, we discussed marriage and our lives together, and everything was great because I was convinced he was "the one."  Well, one day "the one" decided for some reason unknown to me that he wanted out.  He didn't leave for an interview... he came over to sleep with me, had lunch with someone, and came back and ended it.  It was all very peculiar, but I am glad it happened- not 5 months after that I met the man who is now my husband, and is 50 times the man that that guy was.  

My advice= move on, and do not- as I did- spend your time wondering what you did wrong or beating yourself up.  Trust that there is a man out there who will be everything you want and then some, and know someday you will look back on this and shake your head wondering why you ever cried over this idiot who let you go.

Good luck :)
Avatar universal
i'll tell you what probably happened...i was in a relationship for 2yrs,..i went on a trip with a couple pals, and they brought 2 girls - i didn't cheat on my girlfriend but i did find myself attracted to one of the girls and it messed with my emotions..i started entertaining the idea of being single and started feeling very restricted in my current relationship, which had kind of grown stagnant. i started thinking about how great it would be to be single and have fresh relationships..he probably met someone or had the opportunity at least and started reconsidering his commitment to you.  dont try to convince him to be with you, it will only drive him further away emotional(it will verify his feelings-that he isn't free) and nobody likes to feel that way. if he says his heart isn't in it anymore what can you do.....now this advice is for everyone: familiarity breeds contempt, which is particularly true when it comes to relationships. how often do you speak to him on the phone?(everyday right?..what's new that you have to talk about?) how often do you see each other?.several days out of the week... when you guys start kissing intimately does he esscalate to where its like a routine with no build-up or sexual tension? people get bored in monogamous relationships because they become b-o-r-i-n-g(who decided that when you date someone-you have to spend so much friggin time together....i know the urge is there, but if u resist that desire it can be very powerful(keeping the relationship fresh and interesting;) ...unfortunately the man needs to realize this and most guys are completely clueless...

(try this out) something that i would do before i even understood women and dating is i wouln't say "i love you" everyday or often for that matter, which i believe helped the relationship last..if you say that every time u get off the phone it loses meaning and doesn't feel sincere, it was probably the only thing i did right. if you believe this relationship has ended, then its his loss..right?! move on and he will be calling you wanting to get back together. i broke up w/ my gf of 2yrs-a few months before she moved out of state, and i was happy at first, but when she started dating other guys it drove me crazy. don't be so quick to take him back, who wants a prize thats easy to get? good luck and remember there's plenty of other guys out there.
Avatar universal
It is better this happened before a marriage. He is young and he is only being wise by telling you he isn't ready for a commitment.

What you are having trouble with is now you have to redesign your life.  You have to learn another way of living without him at your side.  You have to find some new people to hang out with and spend time with. Basically you have to replace the time you spent with him with new things.  It won't necessarily be easy.  Believe me, it is better to move on than to marry someone who will leave you later.

Avatar universal
I know he did meet a girl in Alaska, but they haven't talked since he came back.  He didn't cheat on me with her, but they went out for lunch and dinner a few times.  He said he just wants to be free and how he can't do everything he wants to do while being in a relationship.  I wonder if I did make him feel restricted.  We live together so we were constantly spending time with each other everyday and were always saying that we love each other.  Maybe space is what he needs because he was getting bored with the relationship and was so tied down.  He has been talking to a different girl from his college and they are on Student Senate together.  He is talking to her a lot about his problems instead of me and she has confided in talking to him about her problems.  I think he likes talking to her so much because it is new for him.  We haven't talked all weekend, which is hard for me, but after reading what John3200 wrote, maybe it is for the better.  Its hard giving him his space because I am afraid he will like it too much.  But yet I need to do it for the both of us.  He told me I was driving him away more from trying to spend time with him and pressuring him to try to fix things between us.  The past few days I have just let him go off and do his own thing and I have been trying to do mine.  He has things he could do though instead of hang out with me, but its hard for me to find stuff to do.  Its hard for me to just move on because all I can think about is him.
Avatar universal
Make sure you don't give him all this freedom only to find yourself as his girl on the side; you know what I mean Hunter. If he has chosen to spend time with these other women, while you're at home pondering his whereabouts/company/and activities.... it will undoubtedly be difficult on you, as it would anyone with a heart.

"He told me I was driving him away more from trying to spend time with him and pressuring him to try to fix things between us". When most people have a relationship issue like this, they think, "just try harder"(doing the thing that doesn't work). If u really want to fix things between the two of you, you're going to have to approach the issue from a different angle.

"He wants me to be his girlfriend but yet he wants his space and doesn't want to hang out with me except for when he goes back."  Like teko said, "He wants his cake and eat it too" I understand you are unable to leave, however; I think you should stop treating him like your boyfriend-it was his decision, make him live with it.

"He has things he could do though instead of hang out with me, but it’s hard for me to find stuff to do.  Its hard for me to just move on because all I can think about is him." I don't know what your life is like beyond what you're telling me, but perhaps the issue would resolve itself if you worked on other areas of your life instead of concerning yourself with him. (i.e. your career, furthering your education, a hobby you always wanted to get into.) It’s amazing how being on your own path in life will bring you happiness and fulfillment naturally.

When I have an issue in my life, I find reading a book about that particular issue is extremely helpful and insightful. I think if you realize you don't need this particular guy, (and please believe that you don’t), it will have a powerfully profound effect on other aspects of your life.

Read about female psychology, and then read about a man's. They may help you in the future, and it will give you something to do in your free time.

Something I remind myself of when I miss one girl in particular is that there are 6 billion other people out there. So if he doesn't want to continue this relationship then you must move forward, and know you will most definitely find another guy one day, maybe tomorrow! He’s spending time with other girls you should get out there as well. So good luck, you have an education and you sound like a very sweet girl. It shouldn't take you long to find a guy that sees that and appreciates it :)

Avatar universal
He has another person in his life.  The girl that he has been talking to that is on Student Senate with him, my parents overheard their conversation, and well, they are seeing each other.  He hasn't done anything physically with her, but they both said they have strong feelings for each other.  He says he doesn't care about me anymore, not even as a friend.  I don't understand how a person can do that to someone.  He was this great Christian guy, and now he is turned into a totally different person since he has started talking to this other girl.  I had my suspicions, but he kept reassuring me there was nothing going on between them, but when my parents caught him, he and the girl confessed everything to me, even how he would lie to me to hang out with her.  I have never been so hurt before, and its hard for me because he says that he isn't sorry for what he did to me because he really likes this other girl.  I don't understand how after 2 years, you can not even care a little about the person you have been with and had loved and just throw it all away like that.  
Avatar universal
He's thinking with the head that holds no brains right now.  Frankly, you are better off.  Even though you don't see that, you will in time.  Even if they hadn't been doing anything sexually he was having an emotional affair and that hurts just as much.

Take some time to be with yourself - you sound like you have loving parents to lean on and don't be afraid to draw on them for a source of stength when you feel you have nothing left.  Don't beat yourself up and down trying to figure out why.  The reality is this has happened and you need to start moving forward.  You will KILL yourself trying to figure out why.   and probably will never get an answer that is satisfying because the only thing right now that would satisfy you really is if he came running back apologizing and begging for forgiveness - and it sounds like he isn't going to be doing that.

He's not the one Hunter - there is someone you are meant to be with and you will find him or he will find you.  Better you finds this out now before you had starting planning a wedding or moving up to Alaska for goodness sake!  You will be ok.  Start taking it one emotion at a time and eventually putting one foot in front of the other and you will be ok.
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