Avatar universal

I should man up and divorce, right.

We have been married for 4 years. We never argue or disagree on anything. We fight once or twice a year maximum and in these fights, the police has to be called because my wife gets too angry and start throwing everything on the walls and brake anything she can get her hands on and threaten that she will kill her self. And they usually take her to the mental health hospital for a night or two and thats all because of her having and been diagnosed by having borderline disorder.

The past 3 months we been having many fights, once or twice a month but small fights and she would end up sleeping in other room or I do. We are not used to have this many fights at all and I have been feeling that someone else is in her life.

We had our last fight a week ago, she got very angry and throw her rings on me and said we got to divorce. I was very hurt from the fans things she said about me and I said fine I will print the divorce papers and file it tomorrow.

Came next day and I feel bad to divorce her because of having mental illness which is borderline disorder so I went talked to her and told her I don’t want us to brake up, I love you and I want us to continue on things we started tougher and for the sake of our step daughters (no children together) I told her I understand about your diagnoses and think you should take your meds again and get pro advice. She said she would love to do that and after that, she said I have to tell you I have a crush on a guy that work with her and she has been having it for 4 months and she has a crush on one of her girl friends as well. She said she didn’t try to talk or have any relations with any of them and didn’t try to act up on her feeling. I got silent didn’t know what to say or d and walked away.

I researched if its okay for married ppl to have crushes at work and every where it said that is very normal and it usually take few weeks and goes away and one should try to move on that crush asap.

Few hours later I asked her if the crush on the guy the reason for her having hard times sleeping for the past 4 months and she said yes maybe, and she said maybe thats why she doesn’t enjoy sex with me anymore and she said she yes maybe. I asked her if she talked to her frieds about that crush and she said yes she told one of her friends about it. she said she doesn’t have the guy phone and she don’t even know if he is married or single and doesn’t talk with him much.

I told her I can’t live with you no longer and can’t sleep by you while you are having hardtiems sleeping because you are thinking of another dude and we got to end this because I can’t sweep all this under the carpet. and she said ok and she understand.

Then next day she went to work which was valentine day, and 2 hours after her shift started she texted me plz don’t file divorce and she offered me to quit her job in 2 months because she has a contract.

I think she went to work and something happened at work on that valentine day that made her change her mind about the guy. I think she was expecting him to buy her flowers or something and he didn’t. I think maybe she saw him carrying flowers or something made her think he is not available. Thats an emotional affair she had, I have crushes too but never lost sleep over no body and always moved on quick on my crushes and never felt the need to discuss my crush with friends or my wife. I think shes checked out long time ago and is gone too far in the heart.

I should man up and divorce, guys right?
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973741 tn?1342342773
Sir, you asked for advice and you seemed in love with your wife. There is something called WISE brain decision.  It uses logic and emotion both. You appear to be just using emotion currently and are ignoring any logic given to you here.  I'm not saying she's innocent or that you are a bad guy for being hurt.  I'm just trying to salvage what you described as a marriage to someone you loved. We don't know you and have no reason to fight for her or you. We're just going by the facts you presented.  Take care but please know that making decisions from emotion only usually ends with regrets.  
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
Jim, I empathize with your plight. It took me 3 decades + 2x divorces from the same wife to finally identify/accept her BPD. I suspect our 3 adult children have similar d/o's.
Emotional adultery in a narcissistic BPD partner is a recipe for lifelong misery. Permanent separation, IMHO, closes the door for a follow-up victim in your wake. You're fortunate not to have children by her to add to your injury.
There is peace to be found without living under the constant shadows of her infidel musings. You have likely only learned the tip of her private iceberg of disdain.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Nope.  I don't think you should at this point personally.  She sounds like she has found a wonderful man in you.  I know it is a lot but she was honest. She was thinking about another man.  She didn't tell him, act on it or cheat. And she wants to be with you.  Offered to quit her job. Maybe she should.  And then the medication and therapist help.  I think you two can work this out.  Are you willing to work on it with her?  
Helpful - 0
I just don't know how to sleep beside my wife while she's having hard times falling asleep because of her thinking of her crush!!!!!!!

I just see it as a emotional affair that's why she is not enjoying anything with me. How are we supposed to work on our marriage while this person in her head. I don't know what to do with the information she gave me. she is flip flobing all over our marriage and me and children with what she call mental issues which actually is behavior and personality issues and is not mental like other diseases. she has borderline disorder.

And if she quits his job I will still be always wanted while I'm traveling for my work that she might have a new crush.

Everyone develops crushes on friends and co-workers, and when that happens you keep it to yourself and it will pass. her work crush is beeing invasive to her daily tasks and she been losing sleep thinking of this guy for 4 months!!!!

The fact that she felt the need to act on it and talk to her friend about her crush means she's no longer wife material. never in our relationship have I questioned her integrity, loyalty or trust.

I'm a old fashioned and always voted family first. I'm sure that part of her personality is not new. That personality trait is not 'suddenly' born. A person who cheats on a marriage (even if it's just emotional cheating not actually having sex) and puts her family at risk is a very, very Selfish Person and Has Evidenced That Character Trait In Other Ways. She may not have cheated before but the "character" of a person who has cheats is present and is evidenced in other ways that I can't choose not to see, sweep under the rug. she's playing mind games, either maliciously, or because she doesn't know what's going on in her own head. Either way, i shouldn't tolerate it. I feel that im not a man anymore. so hurt.
You said "That personality trait is not 'suddenly' born. A person who cheats on a marriage (even if it's just emotional cheating not actually having sex) and puts her family at risk is a very, very Selfish Person and Has Evidenced That Character Trait In Other Ways. She may not have cheated before but the "character" of a person who has cheats is present and is evidenced in other ways that I can't choose not to see, sweep under the rug. she's playing mind games, either maliciously, or because she doesn't know what's going on in her own head. Either way, i shouldn't tolerate it. I feel that im not a man anymore ..." Frankly, this sounds almost as out there as the stuff she did when the police came that got her put in the mental-health hospital for a couple 0f days.

Everyone has a crush every now and then. Even happily married people who would never leave their spouse and never act on the crush. It's not something people can even help. A crush is a fantasy figure, like little girls lining up dolls and making up stories featuring themselves as a lovely princess. They can make the figures in the stories act the way they like and say exactly what they would like. But they can certainly tell you it's not real, and you can tell by looking that it's not real either. It's just escapism.  

You're saying you're ready to divorce her because she told you? You said that the right thing to do was for her to keep this to herself and not discuss it with her friend? That is saying to her that she had better not be honest with you about what she is thinking ever again, when you are the person she would obviously most like to be honest with in her life. That she told you instead of hiding it away from you means you're important to her and she wants you to know what's going on for her.

I know it hurts because you are jealous of even her thoughts. But she hasn't even barely talked to the guy. He's just an image she used in her mind to feel special or attractive (again, only in her mind) for a while.

Also, and a separate point, borderline personality disorder a real mental condition, it doesn't mean she is only on the borderline of having a mental condition. It's not to be dismissed by you saying it's "what she call mental issues." You can look it up, there are books written about it. (See the following quote):

"With borderline personality disorder, a person has an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though the person wants to have loving and lasting relationships.

"Borderline personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood. The condition seems to be worse in young adulthood and may gradually get better with age."  

It can be treated, and she should definitely look into treatment and you should support her in this.

In the meantime, bringing up divorce because she confessed to a fantasy sounds like a huge overreaction on your part. I also note that she confessed to a fantasy about a guy and about a woman. You seem to be able to tell that if it involves a woman, it's just a fantasy, and you can see it means very little. I wish you could understand the same thing if the fantasy figure is a male.
I agree with Anniebrooke.  I know it is hard. But she was telling you something in her head that she did not act on in any way.  And offered to change her work location. I think you can work through this if you allow your pride to die down a little.  Nothing has actually happened. Other than she was honest which you can work through.  Marriage takes work.  On everyone's part. She made herself vulnerable to you.  Make yourself vulnerable to her. You could use this to strengthen your bond.  If you tell her how hearing that hurt you and how you hold your marriage sacred, so yes. Please change jobs, please work on the marriage and connetcion between you two, perhaps you will have a stronger marriage going forward.  Everyone is on the same page and trying. This is just my opinion. But take some breaths and really think about this.  
I asked her why are you telling me about that guy now and she said because we are divorcing and I thought I may as well come clean and tell you everything. We had an argument, she snapped and called me names and throw a few things in the air and said she want a divorce. I said ok. The next day I told her I'm not divorcing you because of your anger issues, we should get treatment, she said that would be great and fyi I have 2 crushes.

A criminal can be honest and tell the judy he stole this and that. His honesty is appreciated but he's still getting in trouble and paying for his mistakes.

She said she's been in what you call fantasies for 4 months. And she's losing sleep because of thinking about that dude. 4 months but she told me about him after she asked for a divorce. She said she told me about him because she figured we are done and are divorcing. She fall in love with another man ma'am. How do I be in the bed with her and that dude is in her head? And if she quits her job, later she will have crush on my neighbor and friends? How do I go to work for a week or ten days traveling all over the USA and leave her alone? The streets of leaving her alone will destroy me, my career and life and I'll end up making errors and mistakes and I'll become a bad person and she will end up wanting to divorce me.

Where you talk about a criminal paying for mistakes, I'd say that you, not she, is the problem here. What makes her a criminal? What makes you the person who is going to impose payment for her supposed mistake?

If you're too insecure to be married to someone who might have a crush on someone else, maybe you need to divorce for that reason. But the idea that her having a crush (that she never did anything about) is enough for you to feel like she has been unfaithful is pretty wrong-headed.
She didn't have an "emotional affair". She didn't talk to the guy, she didn't share things with him, she wasn't in love with him. She thinks he's attractive, maybe he's nice. That's about all she knows about him.

She has borderline personality disorder. Have you ever talked to her psychiatrist or counselor about this? It's a tricky thing. Is she in any kind of therapy?

You both need counseling. Fast. Even if you don't stay together, this back and forth isn't good for her, and can't be good for you. This is getting way out of control, and really, doesn't need to be.
The crime thing was just an example to explain that admitting wrong doing don't override the crime.

she said she never cheated and wasn’t going to pursue it, she did decide she wanted to separate for a while and live like roommates or divorce rather than work to distance herself from the situation and try to squash these feelings, she indulged them and distanced herself from me instead. She never did pursue him but she allowed herself to wallow in those feelings and grow them in intensity and fantasize while brushing off any of my attempts to fix things or get closer to me or any concerns i had about how it would affect the kids if we split up (step children, her daughter lives with us and my daughter lives with her mom).
It's amazing how ALL the responds I'm getting is from females ONLY!! And of course, non of you want to blame her for a second. I just filled the divorce papers.
I'm not blaming anyone. In any relationship issue, there is your side, their side, and in the middle, the actual truth. I don't know anyone involved, so how would I know if anyone is actually at fault?

You asked for advice, so I'm talking to you. If I was talking to her, I'd say something else. You want me to vilify her, and I'm not going to do that. She didn't have an affair. and she just had a crush. You are the one making this a great big deal.

Yes, she wallowed in her feelings some, but you know that she has BPD and was off her meds. You know her thinking can be distorted, and are giving her no grace.

You are angry, and your feelings and ego are hurt. All understandable.

You are getting responses from women because more women tend to hang out in a Relationships forum than men.

If you want to end your marriage and disrupt your kids' lives because of a crush she had on a man she never even talked to, didn't have his phone number, etc., that's your call.
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