I want to get married, boyfriend doesn't

[dmarie01]

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34.  We have been together for 2.5yrs and have lived together for 2 yrs.  I love him very much and know that he is right for me.  He treats me like a queen.  Every morning we wake up he showers me with kisses and hugs, among the many other things he does and says that makes me know that he loves me dearly.  

Early in our relationship we used to joke about marriage sending mixed messages about how we eached really felt about marriage.  I know he has some complex feelings about marriage because so many in his family have failed.  But looking at the stats, there have been a lot of successful ones also.  My family has not been lucky in marriage either but for some reason I can look past that and see that we have something different and I am willing to give it my all to make it work.  

A couple months ago I brought up the topic and wanted to discuss it seriously with him but it ended in a big fight because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be.  After a lot of tears and almost breaking up he told me that he didn't know that I felt so strongly about it and that maybe in a few years he might be ready.   I have a lot of problems with this "resolution" because there is still so much uncertainty.  I didn't know if he just said that because he didn't want to loose me or if he really meant that he was going to think about it.  We still can't talk openly about the topic without him getting defensive, and God forbid we see anything wedding related on tv, he changes the chanel immediately. The deeper problem is that because of the doubt i have that maybe he just doesn't want to marry 'ME', I have now started to pull away from him emotionally.  I feel rejected.  I feel as though I can't talk to him openly anymore, so as to not push the issue and yet there are so many unresolved concerns that this may never happen and that I might just be waiting in vein.

I just don't understand.  Our lives are set up as a married couple as it is.  We share a house, bank accounts and every aspect of our lives together.  One could argue that if it aint broke don't fix it, but my arguement is that if it is so much like the real thing already then nothing should change if we make it official, so why not? He's got front row seats to what our lives would be like after marriage so why is he so scared? I don't need the big party and the rings and the dress and everything, in fact, I don't even want that.  I believe that marriage is a symbol of the committment two people make to each other that no matter what, they will try to work it out and be there for each other.  

Based on this, my only conclusion is that his reservations have a deeper meaning and I don't know how to get to the truth.

Should I wait around to see if he will stay true to his word and maybe in a few years we can move forward with our relationship or should I take the risk and start over with someone else, which might take just as long if not longer. Seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place since neither decision will be easy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[lex2103]

i´ve been with my boyfriend for two years, we used to talk about marriage at first, but now we don´t have that conversation. He financially supports his family, as his father has been unemployed for the last three years and this is an issue that unfortunally is very present and will not allow the relationship to go any further. I´ve been depressed about this, but i know i can´t change it and it would be selfish of me to demand something else from him, because at the end is his family and they are the most important thing in his life.

[Glory2013]

My bf and i are 3.5 years dating now its a long dstnace sow e just meeting twice a yr when he is coming in my country. Its so depressing bcoz we are now fighting the marriage and to have. Baby for more than 2yrs. So i also dont know what will i do bcoz i dont think he will change his mind to marry ke and ta have a family with me. So i dont know if i will give up, i want to have my family and i wanna be married.

[lili584]

This guy is not the center of your world. You desearve better. Do not ever compromise that far with a guy. There are plenty who want to get married and have a family you will find one for you. There is no need to be scary to be alone. The grass is always greener. Love yourself more. Thanks

[XiaoLeen92]

me too :( my bf doesn't want to get married.we have been in a relationship nearly 4th and not live together, but the daily routine feels like we are  married couple (except intercourse).we spend time together, like studying, cooking, watching film, he also pay for my regular needs like food for breakfast, shampoo, etc, he also pay for our lunch and dinner mostly.on next february we will graduated from college.He told me that he isn't ready, he said that he isn't ready financially and mentally,i answered that i will go to work to on my career, so i will not depend on him until he financially stable, so at but lately i found that his sister doesn't want us to get married first before her.his sister still doesn't have any bf and i'm so sad.i don't know how long I can wait till her get a bf and also wants the marriage.
Why does she act like that? :( wht can I do????pls help

[Turtle612]

Hey Kittykat :)
I honestly think there is a big issue here, I think it's amazing that you are thinking of adopting but I also think you should never give up wanting your own child. And saying he doesn't want your own because of over population is a bit of a tough one. clearly he has thought about a future if he wants to adopt but it will not be the same experience and like you said if you are willing to compromise why shouldn't he. Maybe explain that if you're giving up your dream of a wedding and are willing to adopt as well then why is he holding back the prospect of having your own child? Personally I do not want children but Ii know if I did and my partner would not accept this after all that I would be doing for him I don't think I would be able to stay with him, because then it's not compromise but it's you caving in to all his wants and you getting nothing in return!

As I said I don't want my own children but I've also been with my partner for 3 years and he doesn't want them either. the issue we face is that he wont commit, as in at all!! We don't live together only see each other on weekends every time I've brought up living together he says it would be impossible as we would clash to much in his ideal world we would 'Live close by to each other in our own apartments and be able to pop over' to me that's nothing stable and I also have never seen my self wanting a wedding and all that crap but for the last two years it's all I have thought about and he says he doesn't believe in marriage, its just a bit of paper. How do I explain that it's not it's something I need.. I know he seriously loves me and I do him before each other we had never lasted more than a couple of months with anyone else and he tells me he cant imagine life without me.. So why can't he be with me? Fully? We've been together 3 years not 3 weeks.. And I keep telling my self if he loved me, I mean like I know he would never cheat on me and would never do anything to hurt me, but I don't think he realises he is doing it now. And like he has said he is not a traditionalist when it comes to relationships and stuff and I get that.. hence why I have just been a weekend girlfriend for the last 3 years :/ .. I'm always good at giving the advice, never one to take it.. but now I need to! HELP (Please) xx

[kittykat675]

Hi

I must admit reading this thread has made me feel better that I'm not the only one out there with this problem!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now, lived together for 9 months. We have a really good relationship and are very much in love tho life can get us down sometimes we help each other through, we bicker more now we live together and we're quite opposite personalities but I wouldn't change a thing, he puts up with my **** and I put up with his because no relationship is perfect, and most of the time we're really happy. He's sensitive, he make's me laugh and we can talk about pretty much anything. I spent a long time being single dating and he is the first person I have really connected with.

It may seem a little early to be panicking about marriage and kids but the subject has come up, I never used to dream about marriage but I'd always thought I would get married as I wanted a stable background to have a family. My boyfriend tends to rebel from anything traditional and sees marriage as a piece of paper that would just be expensive if anything ever went wrong with our relationship...this really hurt me at first, but after considering long and hard how I felt, I thought that I could come to terms with not getting married after all it really is just a piece of paper I know he loves me and wants to commit to me in other ways, why should I throw away something so good just because of tradition and because it's society's norm... We are honest and open with each other (maybe too honest sometimes!) I'm not scared he's going to walk out the door and leave me, I trust him to be honest with me.

The real blow for me came when the subject of children came up recently, we've skirted around the issue before, but I've been struggling lately not knowing how he feels, one of my friends is lately married and pregnant, all my other friends talk about marriage and kids a lot so it's very much right under my nose atm.

The final push for me to ask exactly how he felt was the other week we had gone to a friends for dinner - an older couple with a little girl - they asked us if we ever thought we'd have kids, again we skirted the issue that night. But I felt like I needed to ask how he really felt the next morning...he explained he'd always felt that he didn't want to contribute to our already massively expanding population (he is very environmentally conscious something I've always loved about him...though I'm starting to feel a little different about atm!) he says he wants a family and would love to adopt, something I've always wanted to do but he is not sure how he will feel about having a baby of our own when the time comes. He's just not sure how he feels about it all, he doesn't know how he will feel a few years down the line, but where does that leave me?

As I have said I would love to adopt, but I want the experience of having my own child too, just once. I feel very upset and uncertain about where we are heading, I talked to a friend and got some outside perspective which helped, and told him after where I felt I stood which is that I would like to get married but I feel I can live without it, but not without a family I need children in my life and I couldn't forgive him if we just carried on and never had a family. Adoption would be great but there are no guarantees you'll be accepted.

He says he needs time to think and I suggested he should talk to someone and get some perspective on the situation too. I want to make us work but I feel if I'm compromising shouldn't he too? I know this is difficult for him as he feels very strongly about it, but he loves me and wants to please me too... The sad thing is neither of us want to break up we're not angry with each other. Do I give it time? We're still young I don't know how he'll feel in the long run, I'm just scared that I won't be able to just wait see where we end up as it's very much on my mind atm. I can't stop myself from bringing it up when what I should do is leave him to think about it, and not pressure him into making a decision.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.