Aa
I want to get married and have children, but it just can't happen
The thing is that my boyfriend and I live in different countries and are both university students with no money... We've been together for four years, since I was 16. It's a distance relationship, unfortunately, because as I said we have no money... that's why during those 4 years he only visited me twice. I've never visited him because for me it'd be several times more expensive than for him and I simply don't have such an amount of money. It's already hard not being able to be with him, to share my life experiences with him, to hug... but what is even more frustrating is that I have no idea when we'll be able to be together...
I will finish uni in a year and then mum is already arranging how I should go and get a master's degree after that, which is another two years. And my boyfriend also has the same number of years left till he finishes uni including master's (though he is 2 years older than me, but the circumstances were like this...) My mum doesn't like my boyfriend much, by the way, we've had many quarrels during these years and perhaps she still hopes I might meet someone else. I don't want anyone else though, we love each other and want to get married and have our own family. Have our time together. Simply be happy. Do we not deserve happiness?... I love my family, but I'm too tired of constant reproaches. They accuse me of wanting to get separated with them, to run away from them, that I don't spend enough time with them, and at the same time hidden reproaches about my not working and not bringing any money into the family, though when I try to talk about it directly they say it's awful that I think it of them, of course they are fine providing me with money until I finish uni, they care about me, and even saying maybe my boyfriend is the one who makes me think this way (mum always brings up my boyfriend if there's anything she doesn't like about my actions and my worldview).
At university I'm one of the best, same as I was at school, and it's even sort of interesting. Everyone expects me to continue studying and then perhaps become a professor or smth, write articles, all that... but it's not what I really want. Not that I hate what I do - I SORT OF like it, but I'd give it away easily. I want to be with my boyfriend and be his wife. I want to give birth to a baby. I want to look after our baby, cook, look after the house and meet my husband in the evening. Perhaps sometimes also work from home via the Internet. My boyfriend is also ok with the idea of a "traditional" family where the husband brings money into the family and the wife looks after the house and brings up children, but I am not sure if we will ever objectively have an opportunity to have that: we are from different countries, we have nowhere to live together, his salary will probably just not be enough. And my mum is strongly opposed to the idea. She says men quickly lose interest in women who stay at home and don't have any self-development, and that I also shouldn't worry about getting married, that almost everyone does at some point and that it's not a very amazing experience, once I get married I'll stop liking the idea. And I simply feel like I'm wasting my time at university. Wasting years of my life. It's already been 4 years and there are no less than 3 more years to wait.
And when I was little I had a dream to get married at 18. Now I'm 20, the dream never came true. And there are these happy people walking around in the streets: lovely couples kissing and hugging in front of others, pregnant women and women with children... and I have to go back to this cage, to this prison where I have to study useless stuff again. This is impossible. Everyone disapproves on girls who get married early, at 18-19, but I am so jealous of them. They've got all the happiness in the world which is unreachable for me. Sometimes I think of killing myself. I'll never be happy anyway. Something will always stand in the way.
You know, the first time he came when I was 17 mum thought we had sex (though we didn't and I'm still a virgin) and was super angry with me being afraid I'd get pregnant and not be able to study at uni, and he'd just go back to his country and leave me... Back then I was angry that she could think such a thing about me (I thought I was too young to have sex), but now I even regret I didn't. Maybe that was my chance for a happy life and I didn't use it. There'd be no stupid uni and my boyfriend would have had to find a way to take me there if we had a baby.
Ugh I just don't know what to do and what to think. I especially hate it that everyone hates the idea of my getting pregnant. Why? I WANT to get pregnant. It would make me the happiest person in the world. But it seems to me at such a rate I'll only be able to have a baby when I'm in my late 20s... This thought is killing me, really. I do lots and lots at uni, give myself additional tasks on purpose to get distracted from the inner emptiness and despair. During last week I was just lying down in my bed unable to do anything after too much work I've had. The thought of studying again makes me want to throw up. Why can't I get married, have a baby and live a happy life?..
I'm not even sure what this whole thing is about, what answer I want to get... I'm sure people will just say something similar to what my mum said, that there's no hurry or whatever. And it'll probably make me have hysterics when I read it. Oh well. Just please, don't send me to professional psychologists! I've already been there. Once. (A second one cancelled the appointment, heh). It was absolutely useless. What other things can people suggest?.. Mm perhaps studying for master's in his country - no way. Here I have a chance to study for free, there the prices are enormous, especially for foreigners. He doesn't want to come and study here either. He likes his uni's program better, moreover that he doesn't know my language very well, so it'd be hard for him. I understand. What else can be done?.. There's just no other solution than simply wait... simply waste another 3 years. Dead end
P. S. Sorry for my writing, it's so inconsistent and illogical, skipping from one thought to another... I usually write better. But now I don't even want to reread it...
I will finish uni in a year and then mum is already arranging how I should go and get a master's degree after that, which is another two years. And my boyfriend also has the same number of years left till he finishes uni including master's (though he is 2 years older than me, but the circumstances were like this...) My mum doesn't like my boyfriend much, by the way, we've had many quarrels during these years and perhaps she still hopes I might meet someone else. I don't want anyone else though, we love each other and want to get married and have our own family. Have our time together. Simply be happy. Do we not deserve happiness?... I love my family, but I'm too tired of constant reproaches. They accuse me of wanting to get separated with them, to run away from them, that I don't spend enough time with them, and at the same time hidden reproaches about my not working and not bringing any money into the family, though when I try to talk about it directly they say it's awful that I think it of them, of course they are fine providing me with money until I finish uni, they care about me, and even saying maybe my boyfriend is the one who makes me think this way (mum always brings up my boyfriend if there's anything she doesn't like about my actions and my worldview).
At university I'm one of the best, same as I was at school, and it's even sort of interesting. Everyone expects me to continue studying and then perhaps become a professor or smth, write articles, all that... but it's not what I really want. Not that I hate what I do - I SORT OF like it, but I'd give it away easily. I want to be with my boyfriend and be his wife. I want to give birth to a baby. I want to look after our baby, cook, look after the house and meet my husband in the evening. Perhaps sometimes also work from home via the Internet. My boyfriend is also ok with the idea of a "traditional" family where the husband brings money into the family and the wife looks after the house and brings up children, but I am not sure if we will ever objectively have an opportunity to have that: we are from different countries, we have nowhere to live together, his salary will probably just not be enough. And my mum is strongly opposed to the idea. She says men quickly lose interest in women who stay at home and don't have any self-development, and that I also shouldn't worry about getting married, that almost everyone does at some point and that it's not a very amazing experience, once I get married I'll stop liking the idea. And I simply feel like I'm wasting my time at university. Wasting years of my life. It's already been 4 years and there are no less than 3 more years to wait.
And when I was little I had a dream to get married at 18. Now I'm 20, the dream never came true. And there are these happy people walking around in the streets: lovely couples kissing and hugging in front of others, pregnant women and women with children... and I have to go back to this cage, to this prison where I have to study useless stuff again. This is impossible. Everyone disapproves on girls who get married early, at 18-19, but I am so jealous of them. They've got all the happiness in the world which is unreachable for me. Sometimes I think of killing myself. I'll never be happy anyway. Something will always stand in the way.
You know, the first time he came when I was 17 mum thought we had sex (though we didn't and I'm still a virgin) and was super angry with me being afraid I'd get pregnant and not be able to study at uni, and he'd just go back to his country and leave me... Back then I was angry that she could think such a thing about me (I thought I was too young to have sex), but now I even regret I didn't. Maybe that was my chance for a happy life and I didn't use it. There'd be no stupid uni and my boyfriend would have had to find a way to take me there if we had a baby.
Ugh I just don't know what to do and what to think. I especially hate it that everyone hates the idea of my getting pregnant. Why? I WANT to get pregnant. It would make me the happiest person in the world. But it seems to me at such a rate I'll only be able to have a baby when I'm in my late 20s... This thought is killing me, really. I do lots and lots at uni, give myself additional tasks on purpose to get distracted from the inner emptiness and despair. During last week I was just lying down in my bed unable to do anything after too much work I've had. The thought of studying again makes me want to throw up. Why can't I get married, have a baby and live a happy life?..
I'm not even sure what this whole thing is about, what answer I want to get... I'm sure people will just say something similar to what my mum said, that there's no hurry or whatever. And it'll probably make me have hysterics when I read it. Oh well. Just please, don't send me to professional psychologists! I've already been there. Once. (A second one cancelled the appointment, heh). It was absolutely useless. What other things can people suggest?.. Mm perhaps studying for master's in his country - no way. Here I have a chance to study for free, there the prices are enormous, especially for foreigners. He doesn't want to come and study here either. He likes his uni's program better, moreover that he doesn't know my language very well, so it'd be hard for him. I understand. What else can be done?.. There's just no other solution than simply wait... simply waste another 3 years. Dead end
P. S. Sorry for my writing, it's so inconsistent and illogical, skipping from one thought to another... I usually write better. But now I don't even want to reread it...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hello and welcome. Sorry you are in this difficult time of your life. What is hard is that you are an adult but still a child too. You still have parents to deal with.
What about getting busy outside school OR your boyfriend? What kind of friendships do you have? What kind of social life do you have outside of school and family? I think this would be a great in between to spend more time on. It will help you round out as a person, help you be away from your parents, help you be distracted from a long distance boyfriend and you just might really have a good time and enjoy your life more.
When I was younger, I wrote a report for what I wanted to be when I grew up. Girls wrote paleontologist (ha ha, oh to be young and think there are a lot of those), teacher, lawyer, etc. Me? I wrote MOM. I always wanted to be married and have kids. I didn't meet the right man for a husband though early. I would not compromise other things in life to be a mom especially because I knew my kids that I wanted so bad would suffer if I did. I wanted financial stability, a solid and strong relationship where I'd spent a lot of time with the person and knew that it was lasting, and that I would not be distracted by other things in life. Had my kids in my 30's. It's fabulous being a mom! Hard work. But wonderful. But I'm just sharing that I always really wanted this too. I knew it from a young age. Like you.
I don't want to say to you the things that you don't want me to say like you have time. You know that. But I do want to encourage you to start living life NOW rather than living in limbo. You are very lucky you are a really smart girl and get good grades. But that probably puts a lot of pressure on you too. Just remember that you do not have to figure out your whole life today. Take one day at a time. But you want to give yourself options. The better educated you are, the more options you have throughout the duration of your life. What seems important now could really change in a few years.
Hope it gets better and think about the friend type of things you can be more active in to help this period of your life be more enjoyable. good luck
What about getting busy outside school OR your boyfriend? What kind of friendships do you have? What kind of social life do you have outside of school and family? I think this would be a great in between to spend more time on. It will help you round out as a person, help you be away from your parents, help you be distracted from a long distance boyfriend and you just might really have a good time and enjoy your life more.
When I was younger, I wrote a report for what I wanted to be when I grew up. Girls wrote paleontologist (ha ha, oh to be young and think there are a lot of those), teacher, lawyer, etc. Me? I wrote MOM. I always wanted to be married and have kids. I didn't meet the right man for a husband though early. I would not compromise other things in life to be a mom especially because I knew my kids that I wanted so bad would suffer if I did. I wanted financial stability, a solid and strong relationship where I'd spent a lot of time with the person and knew that it was lasting, and that I would not be distracted by other things in life. Had my kids in my 30's. It's fabulous being a mom! Hard work. But wonderful. But I'm just sharing that I always really wanted this too. I knew it from a young age. Like you.
I don't want to say to you the things that you don't want me to say like you have time. You know that. But I do want to encourage you to start living life NOW rather than living in limbo. You are very lucky you are a really smart girl and get good grades. But that probably puts a lot of pressure on you too. Just remember that you do not have to figure out your whole life today. Take one day at a time. But you want to give yourself options. The better educated you are, the more options you have throughout the duration of your life. What seems important now could really change in a few years.
Hope it gets better and think about the friend type of things you can be more active in to help this period of your life be more enjoyable. good luck
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