It was completely unplanned and unexpected

[cuteboy12345]

It was completely unplanned and unexpected and he's adamant he doesn't want the baby. He's said he knows he can't make me do anything and it's up to me but I feel like I'm not getting any support from him. I told him I want to keep the baby and he had a massive breakdown and just cried and now I feel so guilty. Am I doing the right thing continuing with the pregnancy with him so against it?

[RDVW]

You shouldn't feel guilty alone. It takes two to tango. He's part of this, too. My ex didn't want our second child so we saw a gynecologist to ask about abortion (I was against that). He explained and showed us an ultrasound. We saw a heart beating. She instantly changed her mind and decided she wanted to keep the baby. Try it.

[Nighthawk61]

I think the boy/man in question is an idealist. He wants the ideal situation to bring a child into the world, perhaps he has experience with a lesser ideal situation where a child is unplanned for? O perhaps he has an idealistic childhood where both parents were 100% ready raise a family and he wants the same for his child. Still, i have been in your position. I was raised as an "unplanned for child" and it affected my life as a young adult and I raised an unplanned for child. It was hard. I was on my own and was not prepared mentally, physically or spiritually to work and pay for all the expenses and it made an impact on my babies life and his childhood. and on to his now young adulthood. A parent can never say they regret having a child, but i do see the benefits of listening to people that talk about only raising a baby when all the boxes have been checked, both for the child and the parents lives.

You can't expect more from this boy/man that he is able to give. He's warned you he's just not ready or able to give you what you need from him. So plan on being superwomen to raise this child on your own. Look at everything that it takes prior to making your final decision about keeping this baby. If not keeping the baby is not an option for you. My biggest and best advice to you is to get yourself a mature mentor that you respect , a therapist whose opinions you respect and whose advice you can follow and plan on everything from this point on being about raising your child in the best way possible. It will take tons of sacrifice , you will need to plan on an education (if you haven't already) that will give you a decent living wage where you can put down some roots, buy into some property of your own and give this child the same stability that the kids they go to school with (that were planned for) have. i was the kid that went to school with planned for kids, who had many advantages, while i had many hardships, and it was a really hard life, that made me into the person i was (unable to function in life without drugs and alcohol)

One thing i can say with experience, IF you have any problems with addiction at all, then deal with it like you should and like you can (there is plenty of help out there). Quit all drugs and alcohol if you have any negative consequences with alcohol. (and an unplanned for pregnancy during unprotected sex because both parties had no natural inhibitions is one of the big ones that must be avoided, especially a second time around).

Don't isolate you or your child if you are a single mother. Having a spiritual life as a child is very important. If you are not already involved with a church, i suggest for your child's sake that you do involve yourself in some kind of weekly connection with a church, or temple. I was not raised with the benefit of having a spiritual experience within my community or within my home and i definitely feel that this added to my feelings of inferiority and lack of socialization within the community at large. You can raise this child right, but you NEED help to keep yourself on the right track. It will be hard and you need to feel part of a community (village) to get it done right. You need all the friends you can get (that want nothing from you i.e. sex from strangers because you're feeling lonely). Trust me. That's a big mistake some women make and you should do your very best to concentrate all your efforts on getting into the best position you can in the first 5 to 10 years of this child's life.). If you choose to have this child, unlike most people your age concentrating their efforts on dating different people to find the best match, your energies need to be totally focused on this child and their needs (not yours). This is my opinion and if it makes sense to you , and you could use a friend all you have to do is send a message and i'll be there for you.

Peace be with you. Liz

[specialmom]

Hi.  That's hard.  I think it is hard on you and it's hard on him.  It takes two to make a baby but the woman is usually in control on the subject of keeping it or going through with the pregnancy.  It's her body, so this makes sense.  However, that doesn't mean a man/boy has to be happy about being forced into fatherhood when he would rather not.  Sure, he put himself in that position but he can regret doing that.  And this is the position the father of your baby is in.  He doesn't want to be a dad.  So YOU have to decide what you want.  If termination or putting the baby up for adoption is not an option for you, get a really good plan together for raising the baby.  The father may choose to get involved in the dad role down the road or he may not.  Don't count on him and get a plan together for being a parent on your own to this baby.  I do believe that the father owes child support and I'd go to court to make sure he pays that---  but otherwise, you can't force anything out of him.  Some men come around and realize the big picture but some don't.  Do you have a lot of support with your family?