I'm Losing all y relationships cuz I don't want to have another Kid .

[sisi1977]

Hello
I'm a 35 years old single mom , I have a 8 years old son . My husband passed away when my son was 6 months old. I Love my son and I'm doing my best as a single parent to raise my son, I don't have a job and I'm a college student right now, In the past few years I've been in the several relationships .I'm Not the kind of woman to change boyfriends all the time . I'm very family oriented and I love t have a long term relationship with a decent man . I really don' like single life any more. but My problem is I really don't want to have a baby any more ,. I don't mind if my partner has a child of his own .I would treat them like my own child for sure .I just don't want to get pregnant again , I had a very tough time ( emotionaly ) during my pregnancy And I have phobia of haveing another child of my own ,I don't like being a mom , But unfortunately whom ever I meet they want 1 o 2 child and when we get serious in our relationship I have to break up with them to escape from getting pregnant.
please help me .what should I do? shoud I just ignor my feeling and get pregnant and live Unhappy for the rest of my life ? or should I just stay alon for the rest of my life?

[specialmom]

Oh my goodness.  Sorry doesn't say enough.  That is something no one should ever have to experience and I'm sure it left you a changed woman.  The horror of watching what drug addiction can do to someone we love and to then lose them to it.  Awful.  And certainly that it all coincided with your pregnancy and birth of your son (this beautiful event being overshadowed with tragedy) certainly would have an effect on you.  As you said phobia, do you almost have 'panic' type feelings about it?  I'm just hoping that you are able to talk about this with a therapist and to explore how it affects your life.  You certainly do not have to have more kids---  I'm not saying to explore it to help you want more----  I'm suggesting it to you because I'm sure you have pain and emotional scars and that the phobia of having a baby (and thinking what if) is just the tip of those scars.  

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband and the father of your son.  That is beyond painful.   You sound like you are coping but do want you to be healed (if possible) completely from the pain of this.  

Peace sweetie and thank you for sharing your story.  

[sisi1977]

Thanks Dear for your Reply. Actually my phobia from having another child is not just about my husband's death. I had a very wealthy and comfortable life with my husband . I got pregnant when I was 26 years old. My husband had a very successful business untill I was like 3 months pregnant .after that he got bankrupt and lost everything .Then he started using drugs ( crak) . and he got addicted badly.he left the house when I was 4 month pregnant , we used to Live in OHIO and I didn't have any family or friends there .I was all alone at Home for 5 months and I had to take care of myself in all ways. even I went to the hospital all by myself to deliver my babyHe even didn't know that when was my due date.I had a friend and she picke me and my baby from the hospital. When I got married at the age of 23 and came to America I had too many dreams and was Hoping to have a wonderful life here with my husband and my child. but everything went wrong and I experienced a very tough times during my pregnance. I can't even describe my pain at this time . all my world crashed and then when my son was 6 month old he overdosed from drugs and died. My husband was a very nice man . He used to treat me like a Queen and he loved to have a child but when he lost everything ( Money ) I think he tought that he can't make a good life for his family and for escaping from the problems he started using drugs untill he died ( Kind of killed himself) . So now I hope you underestand a little Bit of my pain and maybe my phobia of having anothere child, I always think that ( What if It happens again ) .

[specialmom]

Hi there,  you've gotten some good advice above.  I'm wondering if the death of your partner has left you with emotional wounds that you are still healing from.  There is absolutley nothing wrong with not wanting more than one child.  Personally, I think it is awesome when we know ourselves well---  we all should be so in tune.  But something in the way you write makes me think this is deeper than that.  As mentioned above in different posts, there are all sorts of men out there and many men, like women, do not want any more or any children at all.  Clear communication about this key.  

If you feel you may be having some issues with the loss of your partner still, I'd seek help from a therapist.  Good luck dear

[AnnieBrooke]

I was not really thinking you were saying you didn't like being a mother to the child you have, it was just that you said "I have phobia of haveing another child of my own ,I don't like being a mom," so I asked.

In all earnestness, and some of the ladies have approached this in creative ways such as dating sites and so on, in this day and age one can more readily find a man who doesn't want more kids than one who does want more.  This is what made me wonder if you had some kind of standards by which you chose who you might date, that inadvertently also put you more often in with guys who want [more] kids.  (In other words, someone who is dating younger guys who have never married might find themselves facing this situation a lot.  Or someone dating a lot of ardent Catholics, maybe.  Or someone living in, I don't know, a specific town where everyone has big families.)  Do you think your choices in men tend to skew the group toward people who want to produce kids?  (And if you have been able to find such men, could you tell the other women on the site how?)  lol

Take care, you won't be alone for the rest of your life.

(((Hugs)))

Annie

[Londres70]

I didn't get that you don't like being a mother, I got that once is enough and I think that's ok as pregnancy x1 was enough for me as well.  

Sounds like you know what you want and now you just have to find someone compatible.  I don't think the man necessarily has to be old to fit the bill.  

Have you tried dating sites where people are more specific about what they are looking for?  Any friends or family that know men who might be a good match for you?

I would NOT recommend backing down from what you want.  You aren't wrong to want this and I can guarantee this man is out there for you although it may take some time to find him.  When you are dating these men I would just make things clear where you stand with having more children and make sure you KNOW where he stands as well.  

[wyrpamatz]

Or you can go to match.com and put on your profile that you have one son and wouldn't like to have more???

Just a thought..

  Good Luck

[Life360_Dave]

I forgot to mention, if your serious about not having children, get your tubes tied!!

[Life360_Dave]

Simple answer, just meet someone who does not want to have children. We complicate life to no end. You can find out the moment you meet someone about children. If you meet someone who asks you out and you think he really likes you, then tell them upfront that you like them to but want to mention you dont want anymore children if you get serious later. Dont compromise lonelyness for what you really want.

[sisi1977]

Thanks for the Reply AnnieBrooke. As I said before I LOVE my son and I'm enjoying raising Him ,He is my whole world. . I just said I don't see my- self as a mom with a second child becuase 1- I don't want to lose my body again ,2- I want to take care of my man %100 and don't wanna spend all my time with the second child, actually I've been always looking for a single dad .I want someone who has experienced being a parent . you are right maybe i should meet some older guys .Furtunatley these days 50 years old is not old specially for a man .

[AnnieBrooke]

Ah, sorry, 35 not 34.

[AnnieBrooke]

You don't like being a mom of the one you have already?  If so, I feel sorry for him.  But if you are saying that once was enough (as much as you love the one you have), there actually are plenty of guys for whom that would be music to their ears.  

Maybe one of the standards by which you are choosing your men, accidentally weeds out the ones who don't want more kids.  For example, maybe you aren't interested in a guy who is a decade older than you or more?  (I have a friend, age 50, who married a 34-year-old who had a daughter; he has two sons.  He is really, really disappointed to learn she would still like to have another child.  I thought he should have talked this over with her beforehand, but that is another conversation.  Point is, a lot of guys who are 48 or 50, especially ones who have already had children, would love to get serious about a 34-year-old who doesn't want more kids.)  Or have you possibly been turning down anyone with more than one child of his own?

Anyway, you're catastrophizing if you say that your choice is only to get pregnant or to be alone the rest of your life.  Even if most of the guys your own age want a couple of kids and haven't had them yet, "the rest of your life" is a lot longer than age 34.  By the time you're 40, 44, or 54, you will find that even the men your age don't want more kids.