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Avatar universal

I'm an xbox widow

I have been with my husband 6 years and he has always enjoyed his games. It didn't become a problem until I was pregnant with my now 3 yo child. Before we got pregnant, he would only play occasionally, but now he plays from the time he gets home from work until he goes to bed. In the beginning I talked very calmly with him about how much his constant gaming was unhealthy to our relationship. He never has time for our family and to make things worse, I found out during my pregnancy that he also has a pornography addiction. Can it get any worse!? Seriously, I can't take this much longer. I feel badly for him bc he didn't have a good roll model growing up AND he was abused. He is like a lost little puppy BUT, I've tried counseling, talking, yelling, begging, and threatening. I've turned into a huge nag and i hate myself for it. We barely have time in the bedroom and we don't do anything together. When I make him go somewhere with me, he complains about it the whole time and makes the whole outing miserable. I feel like I've been duped and taken advantage of bc he can't take care of himself. In fact if I leave him, he will just go live with his grandmother in another state so she can take care of him. The man is 30 years old! He has a pretty good job, the kids and I will suffer if he's gone but I want my partner back not his paycheck! Is he a lost cause or what? I told him yesterday that if things don't change around here real soon, he's gonna have to go. He barely blinked but said to give him a few months and if he doesn't change his ways, he'll leave. WHAT?! How about you do the things you say you're gonna do instead of stringing me along?
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ugh.  People take things and make them an obssession.  Often gaming is an escape, an emotional escape.  And it can become an addiction.  I think your partner has emotional and mental health problems.  A person that lives their life the way he does really has to.  He's avoiding any real connection with his kids.  He's avoiding responsibility for their care.  He's avoiding his partner.  He lives in his own little world.  

I'd encourage him to seek help in a professional way.  This includes seeing a psychiatrist.  I would imagine he's depressed and coping and has psychological damage from his childhood.

And I agree with you, right now he's just a paycheck and that is no way to live.  He's not a partner or a father if he just plays video games whenever home.  It is sad for him and it is sad for you and it is sad for your kids.  

And the truth is, if he doesn't uncover what he's avoiding----  he'll find another way to space out and keep distance from you and the kids even if he gives up the X box.  

He needs to see a psychiatrist/psychologist.  I hope it works out.  It is sad to have kids with parents in different houses -----  so I hope that he can work on what is going on inside of him.  I'd work from that standpoint rather than just making the gaming bad.  He's damaged inside and needs to address it.  good luck
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Avatar universal
Competing with or up against an Xbox and porn....I feel for you as this is NO marriage at all.  

Your statement..."I feel badly for him bc he didn't have a good roll model growing up AND he was abused. He is like a lost little puppy."  Well, it is unfortunate this happened to him, however, this shouldn't be used to excuse his behavior.  If anything, that should encourage him to seek therapy, but that is NOT what he wants.  Sounds like he has "0" interest in changing.  

You may NOT have control over what he does, but you do have 100% control over what you do.  One of the biggest lessons I learned in life is that you can't change someone.  I think you husband is "comfortable" where he is at.  

Plus, I just don't think this is any great environment for the children to grow up in, i.e. watching daddy play Xbox and looking at porn while IGNORING you and them.  How healthy is that?  A healthy environment in a one  parent household is better then this in my opinion.  Plus, he may as well be gone because in essence he is NOT interacting with his family.

Your statement...."He barely blinked but said to give him a few months and if he doesn't change his ways, he'll leave. WHAT?! How about you do the things you say you're gonna do instead of stringing me along?"  I say separate NOW and give him something to think about living at his grandmother's or wherever.  If you DON'T see any improvement, i.e. him GOING to therapy and getting his issues sorted out, file for divorce.  

Life's to short to be dealing with this.  
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Avatar universal
Thank you for the advise. I've always known deep down he was damaged from his childhood. Who wouldn't be. I'd hoped I could help or "fix" him with a happy marriage and home. Things were so great in the beginning until I became pregnant. I also found out recently (from his father) that he never really cared for children. Imagine my surprise since I had 2 from a previous marriage. He doesn't want to go to counseling. We tried once before and he did everything possible to get out of it. Including telling me he was sexually attracted to our female counselor. Suggested a male and that won't do either bc he doesn't want "some guy telling him what he's doing wrong" plus he's "had enough with counselors from his childhood and they don't do any good anyway." I feel he just does not want to put any effort into our marriage.... so why should I try anymore you know?  I guess I'm just going to have to tell him we're going or it's over. I just wanna love my life again. I'm sooooo tired of feeling worthless, unloved and unattractive in his eyes.
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Avatar universal
I totally agree. Thanks! You all are so helpful.
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Avatar universal
I have the same problem right now.. Alot of people have this problem! Crazy.. Just know your not alone
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Avatar universal
Yuck, I am so sorry you and your children are going through all of this! I think that so many men choose their Xbox games over their wives, girlfriends and children.. My boyfriend plays occasionally, but he always asks me first if its okay, lol. If I were you I would threaten to throw the dang thing away!
I too am sorry to hear he was abused, but you know what? I was abused and have gone through so much trauma you wouldn't believe the stuff I have been through. I would NEVER take it out on my partner or my child(ren) It is unfortunate that some of us go through abuses, but I think too commonly people use their abused pasts as excuses to treat other people so poorly. I think my past has made me the good person I am today. It is so sad that your children have to suffer too, it would **** me off if my boyfriend ignored our daughter to play a stupid game! You should put your foot down (or up where the sun don't shine) and tell him it is the console or you and your children. So pathetic it went this far (on his part)

I wish you the very best!
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