I'm obsessed with being with my ex boyfriend?

[lavendar19]

Please bare with me while I give you a 5 minute synopsis on my past with this man, or boy, (he is 18 and I'm 17). I will appreciate any words of advice and help, honestly anything. We met 3 years ago and he said he had feelings for me. I said I wasn't ready for a relationship (had been recently hurt by a "crush") until about a year later when he started seeing another girl....I realized how much I loved him and selfishly confessed my feelings for him. He said "now that I've started seeing someone else you've realized you love me?"...and so my misery began. He began to get a little intimate with her, oral to be exact, but soon broke up with her to be with me..(or so I thought). He started telling me how much he loved oral sex which scared me immensely because I had only had my first kiss with him weeks before. The pressuring went on, until I found out he had also in this time gone back to the "other girl" and been intimate with her. When I found out I felt like death, I could not stop sobbing and felt like life was over for me. He kept sending me messages and calling me over and over again, telling me at one point he was considering suicide and that he loved me more than anything else. So, I got back, because I loved him to death (and still do). He did not cheat again, I know this for sure because I am in touch with the other girl. So the pressuring subsided for a few weeks while he was trying to prove himself to me, only to have it begin once again. Sometimes he would say things like "I look at other girls wondering if they can please me more than you can" and I still only gave hand jobs. He got colder and colder and deprived me of affection to show what I was doing to the relationship. He broke up with me once, but I ran back to him 2 months later desperately wanting to get back, promising that I'd changed and become more physical. But I hadn't, and out of desperateness made a promise to him that I couldn't keep and just kept doing hand jobs.

He would also constantly tell me that I was letting this relationship go to waste and that his love was slowly dying for me ..(he had waited a year at this point)..and if I loved him I would want to please him. I have always wanted to wait for sex, but a bigger problem of mine is that I know if I become intimate with him I will become obsessed with being with him and if anything ever happens to us, I would even go as far as to say I would have suicidal thoughts because I know I will have much stronger feelings attached once we take this to a new level. I tried to do oral for him a few times, but I feel so guilty the day after and when I expressed this to him he would make snark comments about my "2 minute blowjobs" and ask me why I had to feel guilt..(he told me several times he had never in his life felt guilt before and that he didn't know how it felt). When he broke up with me after a year and a half for the 2nd time, he did it through text and took me off of his friends list which was honestly one of the worst moments of my life, the sobs and sleepless nights started again. Until I called him and left him 2 sobbing voice messages and a facebook message to which he responded to saying "i can't believe I'm even talking to you right now after what you've done to me. You took my heart and tore it apart when I loved you so much and waited for you for so long. People felt sorry for me once I expressed to them how you weren't able to be physical in any way after nearly 2 years." I told him that I was sorry with all of my heart, all the while sobbing while typing.

We would talk every night on the phone for hours but when we had broken up the phone calls had stopped and so had my sleep. After we talked online, he started to call me again and we have been "friends" since..(this happened in April). Sometimes he says "it's okay, what we had was great but you had to ruin it...but it's okay I forgive you."
We still kiss and say all the I love you's after every phone call and he sometimes calls me his "wife"..other times he slaps me (lightly but it hurts occasionally) and tells me to shut up if I say that it hurts me (but immediately after he kisses me and says he loves me so much)...another type he kept slapping me on the behind until I started to cry it hurt me so much, again to which he started kissing me again and saying he was sorry..but also adding "I like to see you in pain". He claims that I've made him aggressive because of his sexual frustration. I love him more than anything else in this world and while thinking about him leaving me (although we are only "friends") brings me on the verge of tears...he says that we will start going out again one day once I'm ready for a mature relationship, but I'm afraid in this time he will move on to someone else and leave me.. and that thought literally paralyzes me.

I would now like to thank whoever has read this far, if only you all knew how much I appreciate it and appreciate any words of advice you are willing to give me. All I can say is please help me, and any help is very much appreciated. Many thanks.

[jo929]

I think teko makes a lot of sense, get your brain on something else like an education and forget boys for awhile until you mature a little more, as you started to young  luck  jo

[lost_myself]

Lavendar,
Im am usually VERY positive and will pologize for being so blunt in advance. I grew up in home where my step dad hit my mother. I often intervened (starting at 14) when this would happen and would get beat up myself instead of my mom taking it all. At 18 he beat my mom while she was asleep. i went and found him in a bar and beat the **** out of him. Like the coward he was he left and never came back. Unless this guy gets a massive change heart ( it happens but rarely) he will be this way and worse. He is a punk who desperatley need an a$$ whoppin, then professional help.
You are a rare person wanting to wait for a physical relationship. You should be proud of yourself and know there is so much better ahead of you. Stay true to who you are and eveything else will work out. The pain you may feel will ease and soon you will see things in a diffeent light. Take care...

[lavendar19]

Many thanks for all of your help guys, these comments have saved me a lot of tears and sadness. I just feel so alone without him and feel like I need him in my life, which is a very toxic and compulsive way of thinking considering I have OCD. I have been questioning that he may be a narcissist, but I'm not completely sure yet. Once again, thank you to you all, you are all angels, your comments are of such high value to me that I don't know how to express my gratitude in words. Would it be a problem if I posted this again in a different section? Reading replies really makes me happier than if I would be sitting at home and crying, but I also don't want to frustrate anyone by posting it again..many thanks

[mami1323]

This guy is a sicko....sorry but you are better off without him.  Sweetie, you are both young and good for you for sticking to your beliefs.  If he had any love for you he would've respected your feelings and instead he pressured you and forced you to do things that you didn't want to do.  Then would make you feel guilty for not fulfilling his needs and making you believe that you were the reason this relationship went bad.  Plus, he physically abuses you.  This guy is not worthy of you.  I would cut off all contact with him.  You will be fine over time, he isn't a good guy.

[imanaddict]

Wow!! I know this is not what you want to hear, but you need to get away from this guy and FAST!! All the signs are there, and none of them point in the direction in which you are wanting to go. He slaps you and then says he's sorry and then blames you because you won't have sex with him! What's next, a punch in the face? Probably! You should go find a guy that has the same values/beliefs you do. Someone that respects you as a person and not as an "sex object"  

[teko]

I just want to add.  He WILL move on to the next one whether you have sex or you do not! He is 18 and thinks with his pointer. His next fix is all that matters to him. Even if its doin it himself. Get it?

[teko]

It sounds like two kids playing grownup to me. You are 17. Why are you involved in so much drama and not walking the other way and attending to the things that are going to matter in your life, like school!  He is 18, likes sex (show me one 18 year old boy  who doesnt!) OR (knows how to for that matter!). amd views you as a challenge. He will be hangin around drooling all over till he gets what he wants or he realizes that no means no and moves to the next one!  If he sounds like a little boy having a fit cause he cant have his way that is because that is exactly what he is acting like. This relationship is not going to work out, you are not going to be in love or heat for that matter for the next 50 years so quit wasting your time on it and move on. Wrap your head around how many degrees your gonna get to earn money to live the lifestyle that YOU want and not settle for snippets of what someone else may or may not thro your way.

[Lucey12]

He sounds kind of undecided about everything. He wants you, no he doesnt..... He hits you, then hes sorry, then he likes seeing you hurt.... Im lost . He seems off. I would move on if I were you. You can find better. You dont want to be stuck in a relationship like that or loose your virginity to someone who you might not be with forever. I lost my virginity to my husband even knowing we were only dateing when we had sex. I know If I had of waited as long as I did to have sex, then we broke up, Id be mad. My husband told me that If I had of put out right away, we probably wouldnt still be together because there would be no reason to stick around. He got what he wanted, thats all. So he wouldnt have stuck around to discover he loved me. We waiting 2 weeks after dating to have sex (we started dateing just before my 18th birthday) I think It was still too soon and I kind of regret it but at the same time, It allowed us to have a sexual relationship. I feel that If you are dating someone but not having sex, you are basically friends. I think it would be weird to marry someone who you have never had that sort of sexual relationship with. Going from friends to lovers basically. You do have to keep it sexual, maybe not intercourse but everything but. And if you dont feel comfortable doing it and you are just doing it for him, then hes not right or you arent ready.

[Myown]

Hi,
He should respect your not wanting to have a physical relationship. And I agree that that a physical relationship would make your feelings stronger and that would not be good because if you guys break up after that, it would be devastating for you. I can see that and I see that you can too.  

I would 'try' to forget him for now and let him go and experience what he wants. He is going to anyway. Women that throw themselves at men are a dime a dozen. He'll get tired of things being so easy and when he matures (which may be sooner than you think) he will realize its nice to have a girl that doesn't throw herself at men.


If he doesn't come to his senses and realize that in todays times, he has found a nice girl, well then it's his loss, not yours. You might have a hard time forgetting him for now. He will forget you quicker because he will probably be in other relationships. But once he gets tired of all that, he will realize he had a nice girl that he left.

And at that time if you still have feelings for him, things will probably work out because you will both look at each other from a better perspective.

Stick to your guns. Follow your heart. Don't let any man talk you into something you don't want to do and never for any reason let a man hit you. He needs help in that area.

You're a smart girl - stay smart.

Believe me, he'll be back - unless he has too much pride to admit he was wrong. And trust me, any woman would tell you - you don't want a man that never admits he is wrong in a relationship.

Good luck,
MO

[Judy246]

This guy is not good for your. He is a risk for abuse and infidelity and he will break your heart. Run and don't look back!

[jenkaye21]

I agree.  I commend you for "sticking to your guns" and not having sex w/him.  Right now, it feels like the worst case scenario is not being with him.  BUT, what if you do give in and then once he gets what he wanted he still leaves you??  You would be more than devastated.  He shows NO respect for you in the way he slaps you, makes fun of you sexually, and pressures you to do something you don't want to.
I know it feels impossible, but i think you should try to forget about him, surround yourself with friends, go out and have fun, and eventually you will meet someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated.

[iam1butterfly]

I think that the one who is not "ready for a mature relationship" is him. Anyone who professes love doesn't play the kind of "cat and mouse" game that he's playing with you. Be aware that love doesn't manifest itself with slaps; then kisses... not to mention pressuring someone for sex (oral or otherwise) for the sake of selfish gratification. He's thinking only of himself... not you!
With this said, I see no redeeming qualities in this young "boy." And, why you would want to continue associating with such a crass and uncaring person is beyond comprehension... but then, when it comes to matters of the heart, logic and clarity of thought often "flies out the window."
My advice to you... get the heck out of this toxic relationship before it poisons you!