Aa
Im suicidal.my husband calls me bad names and says he doesn't love me. please help?
thank you for reading and answering
im 24,my husband is 30
together nearly 4 years, married less than a 1 year
whenever he gets angry,
he calls me bi tch, ****, ***** etc
says he does not love me
says he wants to divorce me
says he will do what he wants and does not care if im sad or happy
and he gets angry at least once a month. it was like this before marriage too.but i married him coz i loved him very much and everytime i tell him to be good he said he will be good.. he is very good and loving when not angry. what can i do? divorce is not an option as i live in an asian country... once you are married, you are married.
will counseling help? if so, how should i approach that subject with him? whats the best way? im very glad for any answers.. i want to know how i should talk with him about going to counseling....
thank you
Hey which country are you in ? Ur Problem sounds so much like wat I m going thru right now...except in my case I m a working mother with one kid.... he is so selfish and controlling that he holds my bank card Where my salary goes... my salary is maxed with monthly payments like insurance, Car loan and mother support... Btw he is an engineer with highly paid job...yet he is painfully stingy.... His policy is simple ...wat is his is his but wat is mine is ours...part of my Employee Provident Fund money was used as nonpayment for his luxurious car tHat he doesn't allow me and my son to travel In It.....saying we are filthy and will dirty his car....not that he can't afford the payment but he keeps a secret account saying thAt it's for our future home...but wat I don't understand is that all my monthly savings goes into a joint account but his savings goes to his private account that I have no idea wat amount he has in his savings... then when I wanted to purchase house under my name he arranged it in such a way that the rental for that house goes back into his account. So I still don't get to see my hArd earned money... whenever I try talking about it to him he scolds me, Insult in vulgarity, calls me names, Curse and cuss not only me but he would throw in my mother my sister and my whole family ....and no sorry after that.... Very painful, very lonely life...
And more....a small mistake, A slip of a tongue, A slight change in my emotion would cause him to react horribly... sometimes he will continue cursing, insulting , Demeaning me for days ... then silence for another few weeks...it's a mental torture...
Can't sit down and speak about finance and family.... always ends up with heated arguments or deathly silence...
Love marriage ...can't stay neither can u leave...
He doesn't even go to church...pay his tithes..or offering....if there any good he does Is for name and recognition....very sensitive...very vengeful...he can insult and demean my family but if I accidentally reply him out of Anger....he would only remember the word that I uttered but obviously forgetting wat he had said earlier that would have provoked him....
And I havens way out of this...my only joy in this life is my son....probably if I hadn't had him....I would be no more .....
And more....a small mistake, A slip of a tongue, A slight change in my emotion would cause him to react horribly... sometimes he will continue cursing, insulting , Demeaning me for days ... then silence for another few weeks...it's a mental torture...
Can't sit down and speak about finance and family.... always ends up with heated arguments or deathly silence...
Love marriage ...can't stay neither can u leave...
He doesn't even go to church...pay his tithes..or offering....if there any good he does Is for name and recognition....very sensitive...very vengeful...he can insult and demean my family but if I accidentally reply him out of Anger....he would only remember the word that I uttered but obviously forgetting wat he had said earlier that would have provoked him....
And I havens way out of this...my only joy in this life is my son....probably if I hadn't had him....I would be no more .....
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree with younggrandma----- you have to take care of yourself. You are doing the right things to do that. Sometimes someone has to suffer a consequence to realize how bad the problem is. Good luck to you--- i'm on your side!
You are taking the right steps, I'm sure that your parents would not wont you to be in a relationship that is unhealthy,and making you physically and mentally ill.
You are going to have to make the decision for yourself. I'm sure that he is going to be very upset IF and WHEN the times comes,but maybe this is the eye opener that he needs to see and feel the way he is making you feel.
You are going to have to make the decision for yourself. I'm sure that he is going to be very upset IF and WHEN the times comes,but maybe this is the eye opener that he needs to see and feel the way he is making you feel.
ok i will wait until it happens again. and try the ways you told me...
if not, i ll have to move out to my parents house till he goes to a doc... thats the only way
if not, i ll have to move out to my parents house till he goes to a doc... thats the only way
COMMUNITY LEADER
Those medications are antipsychotics--- the big guns of the psychiatric world. They would NOT be appropriate.
I will tell you that ethically I can't help you with medical dosages for your husband. In our country, one out of every four people take an antidepressent. Primary care doctors often prescribe them---- the list I gave earlier is the one I'd stick to. It is confidential and not that big of a deal to take. There is also natural things like St. John's Wart that you can get at a health store. I have mixed feelings if this hurts. But you shouldn't just give it to him without him being aware. I think that is illegal. HE has to go and be prescribed the medication. Don't get yourself in trouble with that legally.
I think I would be more proactive with your husband. He sends you an inappropriate text or email---- confront him with it upon his arrival at home or wait one day and do it the next. Tell him then that this is NOT appropriate and you will no longer tolerate it.
It is worth a try. Good luck.
I will tell you that ethically I can't help you with medical dosages for your husband. In our country, one out of every four people take an antidepressent. Primary care doctors often prescribe them---- the list I gave earlier is the one I'd stick to. It is confidential and not that big of a deal to take. There is also natural things like St. John's Wart that you can get at a health store. I have mixed feelings if this hurts. But you shouldn't just give it to him without him being aware. I think that is illegal. HE has to go and be prescribed the medication. Don't get yourself in trouble with that legally.
I think I would be more proactive with your husband. He sends you an inappropriate text or email---- confront him with it upon his arrival at home or wait one day and do it the next. Tell him then that this is NOT appropriate and you will no longer tolerate it.
It is worth a try. Good luck.
i searched the net and found out that the following will help anger problems
risperidone
lithium carbonate
haloperidol
can you please talk with a psychiatrist and ask how these should be given? i know im asking for a big help but this seems to be the only way to have some happiness
risperidone
lithium carbonate
haloperidol
can you please talk with a psychiatrist and ask how these should be given? i know im asking for a big help but this seems to be the only way to have some happiness
i can get lexapro what dosage shall be given? as these doctors will not give medicine unless he goes, and they really think that this is not a problem, i would love it if you can ask a doc and advise me ..
he is reading the book now
you have given me a lot of ideas. im waiting to use them when he gets angry infront of me again
i see that the abuse mostly happens through texts and emails
the problem is, he wont say sorry and he will stay weeks without talking with me until i myself go and talk with him! thats how bad his anger is. and he does not care that im hurt. is this some kind of a mental disorder?
is there a way to get some of the medication without a prescription?
you have given me a lot of ideas. im waiting to use them when he gets angry infront of me again
i see that the abuse mostly happens through texts and emails
the problem is, he wont say sorry and he will stay weeks without talking with me until i myself go and talk with him! thats how bad his anger is. and he does not care that im hurt. is this some kind of a mental disorder?
is there a way to get some of the medication without a prescription?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, what if you stuck up for yourself to him. He starts abusine you---- you hold up your hand and say "STOP! You may not talk to me that way." Very firmly. And if he keeps it up---- "I will NOT talk to you when you use that language with me." I will not talk to you again until you apologize for it. And then don't. He's being a bully. That is one way to combat a bully.
I'm throwing it out there because I'm running out of ideas for you. If my husband sent me a text such as you describe----- I would text back that "I will not tolerate you speaking to me that way." Then I would not respond to him again. Then when he got home---- I would hold up my phone and say "this is NOT okay!" I'd tell him he has to apologize immediately. If he got mad---- too bad.
This will shock him, I'm thinking at this point. But you are a nice, intelligent woman that deserves to be treated better. Demand it. What do you have to loose.
Like I said, running out of ideas. Did that book help?
I'm throwing it out there because I'm running out of ideas for you. If my husband sent me a text such as you describe----- I would text back that "I will not tolerate you speaking to me that way." Then I would not respond to him again. Then when he got home---- I would hold up my phone and say "this is NOT okay!" I'd tell him he has to apologize immediately. If he got mad---- too bad.
This will shock him, I'm thinking at this point. But you are a nice, intelligent woman that deserves to be treated better. Demand it. What do you have to loose.
Like I said, running out of ideas. Did that book help?
i met two psychiatrists. and it was totally useless. unless he is coming, they cant do anything.... and, they dont see this as a problem and told me "not to make him angry" !!
i dont know what to do.....
i dont know what to do.....
i will write on monday again... i dont come to this site when im at home. if he see this that will make him angry.
after that email, he still doesnt talk with me. didnt say sorry for using such words. he is still angry
after that email, he still doesnt talk with me. didnt say sorry for using such words. he is still angry
i meant "you cant teach me" he will tell me that if i try to remind him the anger management techniques
i will talk with the doctor 2moro about this problem. im taking a printout of this question with me. i will ask him if he can recommend those medications as my husband rejects counselling and forgets the anger management.
any thing i do to remind him about the steps of anger management when he is getting mad would just make him say "f u c*k off you bi~tch you can teach me"
if i left, he will try to get me back i guess. and there will be a lot of drama among our relatives. divorce is a very "bad thing" here. think about this dear, i work at a place where there are about 800 workers. and none is divorced. so you get the picture :)
any thing i do to remind him about the steps of anger management when he is getting mad would just make him say "f u c*k off you bi~tch you can teach me"
if i left, he will try to get me back i guess. and there will be a lot of drama among our relatives. divorce is a very "bad thing" here. think about this dear, i work at a place where there are about 800 workers. and none is divorced. so you get the picture :)
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh my goodness, can I come and get you out of there? The problem is you are an intelligent, sincere and sensative woman and know what a life with this man as he is would be like.
As far as not remembering the steps of not getting angry----- of course he isn't going to right away. He is set in his pattern. The idea is to learn new things. Ask him what you can do when he is getting angry to help him remember the steps of not attacking when he is mad. Everyone will get mad and frustrated with their spouse---- but the way he handles his anger is the problem. ASK HIM what you should do to have him remember the healthy way of handling it.
A selective seratoning medication would help him, I think. I don't know if the drugs have different names in your country ---- lexapro, prozac, zoloft, paxil, effexor, etc. are drugs here. All would help him. (maybe you too).
Serious question, what would happen if you left?
As far as not remembering the steps of not getting angry----- of course he isn't going to right away. He is set in his pattern. The idea is to learn new things. Ask him what you can do when he is getting angry to help him remember the steps of not attacking when he is mad. Everyone will get mad and frustrated with their spouse---- but the way he handles his anger is the problem. ASK HIM what you should do to have him remember the healthy way of handling it.
A selective seratoning medication would help him, I think. I don't know if the drugs have different names in your country ---- lexapro, prozac, zoloft, paxil, effexor, etc. are drugs here. All would help him. (maybe you too).
Serious question, what would happen if you left?
i feel very sad. the therapist told me, these are not the problems people face, there are women who get hit by their husbands daily ! yes, thats true but this is a big problem to me.
(in these countries even when the husband beats the wife, they stay, they never think about leaving. coz once you are divorced then you cant find a partner)
im going to a psychiatrist on saturday. lets see if he can understand
(in these countries even when the husband beats the wife, they stay, they never think about leaving. coz once you are divorced then you cant find a partner)
im going to a psychiatrist on saturday. lets see if he can understand
i will walk away when he becomes abusing when we talk. it didnt happen after december 20th, up to now.
he is not likely to walk away because he does not remember those ways to handle anger when he is angry.
if i print and give the email he wont read it. i ve tried to get him to read his texts (which he sents to me) but he just becomes angry.
he is under a lot of stress because of his job. and he is very moody.
if there is any medication, i think that will be great.because he refuses counselling and forgets the anger management techniques when angry.
and i got the book through amazon today.
and im not going to the counselling again... she just says me to be strong and try to change him.and she says it might even take 40 years!!! she tells me, when he scolds me, i shall think in my mind " you dog". thats her solution !!
she does not understand the emotional pain i feel because of this. in these countries this is not taken as a serious issue....
he is not likely to walk away because he does not remember those ways to handle anger when he is angry.
if i print and give the email he wont read it. i ve tried to get him to read his texts (which he sents to me) but he just becomes angry.
he is under a lot of stress because of his job. and he is very moody.
if there is any medication, i think that will be great.because he refuses counselling and forgets the anger management techniques when angry.
and i got the book through amazon today.
and im not going to the counselling again... she just says me to be strong and try to change him.and she says it might even take 40 years!!! she tells me, when he scolds me, i shall think in my mind " you dog". thats her solution !!
she does not understand the emotional pain i feel because of this. in these countries this is not taken as a serious issue....
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, flat out ---- your husbands behavior two posts above is unacceptable. I would print his email and hand it to him when he returns. Tell him he can't do that again. If he does, you are going to give the emails to his father and brother.
Your therapist is giving you information to use----- your husband is going to have to learn discipline and control. HE will forget as he is learning new behavior. Tell him as he is escalating----- remember to count to 10, remember to breath.
I gave some suggestions early on too----- the walk and don't talk rule. He must just stop talking as he is getting angry. You say no more to him for the time being and he says no more to you until he cools off. You can simply say---- "lets take a break and cool down" before he blows.
And yes, by accepting his behavior and going right back to normal---- it tells him it is okay to act this way. You need to think about what you can do that isn't passive aggressive to say enough. "still angry?" NO. "okay, well your behavior was unacceptable and we need to talk about why you escalated and how we can stop this." Don't just move on.
Medication . . . well is he moody and depressed. Depression can be at low levels called dysthymia. Add a little anxiety into the mix and you have a man who flares up. So I'd see if a doctor would prescribe a selective seratonin agent for him if they feel he has depression or anxiety symptoms.
Print off that email and SHOW him his words. I'd even tape record him and let him hear himself. If he gets mad, it is just because he is embarressed. But he is a little worse than I originally thought as he is SO nasty to you at times.
MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE. and take care.
Your therapist is giving you information to use----- your husband is going to have to learn discipline and control. HE will forget as he is learning new behavior. Tell him as he is escalating----- remember to count to 10, remember to breath.
I gave some suggestions early on too----- the walk and don't talk rule. He must just stop talking as he is getting angry. You say no more to him for the time being and he says no more to you until he cools off. You can simply say---- "lets take a break and cool down" before he blows.
And yes, by accepting his behavior and going right back to normal---- it tells him it is okay to act this way. You need to think about what you can do that isn't passive aggressive to say enough. "still angry?" NO. "okay, well your behavior was unacceptable and we need to talk about why you escalated and how we can stop this." Don't just move on.
Medication . . . well is he moody and depressed. Depression can be at low levels called dysthymia. Add a little anxiety into the mix and you have a man who flares up. So I'd see if a doctor would prescribe a selective seratonin agent for him if they feel he has depression or anxiety symptoms.
Print off that email and SHOW him his words. I'd even tape record him and let him hear himself. If he gets mad, it is just because he is embarressed. But he is a little worse than I originally thought as he is SO nasty to you at times.
MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE. and take care.
i think i have a weakness. when he yells at me, i cry but after 2-3 hours i myself go and ask him "are you still angry? " then he says no and i just start to talk with him again. he does not say sorry. shall i wait without talking till he himself comes and talks with me?
im sorry that im asking a lot from you.
im sorry that im asking a lot from you.
can you please please give me that worksheet?
she told me about counting to 10, taking time out etc but he just forgets all that when he is angry.
is there any medicine used to control anger? no ? :(
yesterday, i asked him about something. he said no. but i wanted to confirm so i asked again. then he sent me "i already told you bit ch. whats wrong with you wh0re? " that is through email. he is away for 3 days because of work. then i sent him im not going to look at my email again and logged out. he still didnt contact me after that.
she told me about counting to 10, taking time out etc but he just forgets all that when he is angry.
is there any medicine used to control anger? no ? :(
yesterday, i asked him about something. he said no. but i wanted to confirm so i asked again. then he sent me "i already told you bit ch. whats wrong with you wh0re? " that is through email. he is away for 3 days because of work. then i sent him im not going to look at my email again and logged out. he still didnt contact me after that.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay, I'll keep looking. The one I sent a note to you about is excellent and will speak directly to your husband. It talks about some of the things he's gone through that may affect him now and how to stop it.
Even in your language, your therapist should have some things to give you that will help at home. By this I mean------- if she sees someone with rage, what does she tell them to do and does she have any papers she gives them? For example, I had a worksheet that I gave couples on how to argue. I often only saw one person in a couple and I would give the sheet to them. If only one person learns the right way to argue, it is half the battle, right? And then you could bestow the knowledge on your husband. Things like that. Ask your therapist about that. If she can't help, then just stick to the books.
Really wishing you luck . . . feel bad about the situation.
Even in your language, your therapist should have some things to give you that will help at home. By this I mean------- if she sees someone with rage, what does she tell them to do and does she have any papers she gives them? For example, I had a worksheet that I gave couples on how to argue. I often only saw one person in a couple and I would give the sheet to them. If only one person learns the right way to argue, it is half the battle, right? And then you could bestow the knowledge on your husband. Things like that. Ask your therapist about that. If she can't help, then just stick to the books.
Really wishing you luck . . . feel bad about the situation.
my mother language is not english and there are no books in here dealing with this subject... yes.. none :( so my therapist cant assist me in that area and my husband insists that he will not go to the therapist and will only read books...
so if you can get me the names of books which are written for the abuser, that will be a big help. i can get those books through amazon if i know the title. when i search amazon it gives names of the books written for the abused, not the abuser
so if you can get me the names of books which are written for the abuser, that will be a big help. i can get those books through amazon if i know the title. when i search amazon it gives names of the books written for the abused, not the abuser
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay, well at least he will read something. I thougt of another book that I will send you a note with the title of it . . . I have to look up the author. Also, ask your therapist. She probably has handouts that are easy and exercises he can do.
I wish you the best of luck and remember to take care of yourself!!!!! Stay strong.
I wish you the best of luck and remember to take care of yourself!!!!! Stay strong.
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