Aa
I'm trying to quit being so jealous
Ok so I've always been a jealous girlfriend. I know that it has to do with self esteem and confidence and such. I think I'm beautiful a good bit of the time but sometimes I don't if that makes sense. Also I can control some of my jealousy but sometimes I can't. Maybe I am in the wrong sometimes but other times I don't feel I am. Like when me and my boyfriend started dating it came up on my newsfeed on Facebook that he liked and commented on this girls picture "nice dress" and he liked and commented on another girls picture saying "your pretty". I told him right away I didn't like that crap. So it stopped for awhile (I guess) I didn't see anymore anyways. A couple of months ago he comments on one of his chick friends pictures saying "awe cute :)". Now this girl and him has had sex. She is married to one of his other friends. I work at a restaurant and she came in one day and I served them. I was very nice to her. I texted my boyfriend saying guess who was just here and I told him. He was all excited then I said yea I was a little comfortable though (now this was before he commented on her picture but he had told me they had sex). He jumped all down my throat for saying that. Then last month and this month I see all these pictures of girls he liked and it's not like one or two it's like 10 or 15. So I confront him. He says that they are thoughtless likes and he didn't have a reason for liking them. I called BS and told him there is no way they are "thoughtless" and he liked them because he thinks their all pretty I'm not stupid. Now he is usually one to tell it straight and be very honest. So I'm on the fence but for no reason still don't add up. Now he was also a manwhore before and that's how he meet girls and hooked up was through Facebook and he has either had sex with, dated or had a crush on all his chick friends. So could you blame me for being jealous? Now don't get me wrong he is no means a dirt bag or a jerk. He always includes me in decisions and he is very sweet and very good to me. He'd do anything to make me happy. And he will talk to me and always wants to work through things. He bends my way with alot of things. This thing is our only problem. Idk of he is still trying to get the manwhore ways out or what. But either way I'd like some tips from ladies who have battled jealousy issues and over come them.
Hi also, jealousy is an emotion that stems from anticipated loss. Its not something that you have created its something that he as created in you.
You say he will do anything to make you happy, then maybe he should start with making you feel secure and stop taking advantage of your feelings. In some ways the creator enjoys this as gives them a to do what ever they want and keeps the victim living their life to its fullest.
Constantly being on edge is distracting you from experiencing your lifes potential and if he is not aware of this then hes not worth being with. Its called the gift of empathy and is ability to understand the being of another.
You say he will do anything to make you happy, then maybe he should start with making you feel secure and stop taking advantage of your feelings. In some ways the creator enjoys this as gives them a to do what ever they want and keeps the victim living their life to its fullest.
Constantly being on edge is distracting you from experiencing your lifes potential and if he is not aware of this then hes not worth being with. Its called the gift of empathy and is ability to understand the being of another.
Yea said that to him. I said would be ok with liking all my guy friends pictures. He said no. I was ok then. Yea I've thought about not saying anything and I didn't for awhile but they kept adding up till finally it made me lose it. I think maybe I just shouldn't say anything at all from now on but then weekday kind of a relationship is that if I have to suffer silently? Ya know. I think there are times to keep your mouth shut and times you should speak up in a relationship. It's just hard to decipher which time is which sometimes.
id say to tell him to try to be in your shoes...would he like that ? probably not.... and next time u see one of those girls I wouldn't say anything to him..
COMMUNITY LEADER
Glad we could help and wishing you the best in 'things' improving! peace
Yes ma'am it defiantly is. I am lucky and thankful for that :). Will do.
Thank you so much! I've had the same thoughts about that maybe it is just habit for him and he just don't see it like I do. When I did talk with him (via text because our schedules clash) (and I know texting isn't ideal for this type of discussing but it just happened. He actually wanted to discuss it farther in person, hence I know he wants to work this out) the jealousy was present and I tried to control it by not texting back and allowing myself to calm down. It did help after a bit. I am so glad to hear your story, it's Like light. I know this can be done with two people who really love each other. Along as we are both working together and we certainly do with any problem that may arise. Maybe I am not being overly jealous with this situation but I absolutely know I can be. Soul searching sounds great but I'm keeping him while doing this. Time for myself will be easily made for this. So thanks Londres. I believe I got through to him. He sounds very sincere about changing this. I mean at the very beginning of our relationship we shared everything so we could learn more and more about each other. He told me with every ex he would take breaks and often. I asked why and he'd said because I guess I just didn't want to go all the way yet. Now he is with me and we've been together 9 months, which is his longest relationship including break time from other relationships. We have not had one break, in fact I suggested maybe we needed one because of this problem and he said no he wanted to work through this just like we always do :). Made me happy ohh it still does too :). Thank you all for the tips sorry I got a little irritated I just wanted some tips to help navigate through this.
D I T T O AnnieBrooke
and
Londres70
I totally agree with Her(them). Her(their) advice was more eloquently stated than mine. I hope You'll give Her(their) words serious consideration
GoodLuck
and
Londres70
I totally agree with Her(them). Her(their) advice was more eloquently stated than mine. I hope You'll give Her(their) words serious consideration
GoodLuck
COMMUNITY LEADER
I will give you some kudos for recognizing that something is amiss here Princess. That is a good thing to do and ultimately will help us get to a better place either with our partner or with our next one.
Now, I think some guys can have a past. That he used facebook in the way he did prior to you would make any girl uncomfortable if he still shows signs of 'flirting' or whatnot when you glance at his activity. and when you know the people he makes a comment to such as you're pretty, well, it is going to really feel rotten to you. I get that and that is not you just being overly jealous.
the determination you have to make is if this is just his habitual way of talking to women and hence, is something he can and will break for you or if this is something he doesn't see as something he'll change when in a committed relationship. He may not have been aware of it as a 'problem
prior to your bringing it to his attention so it is really key what you do with it now.
I've had, way back when, a similar conversation with my husband who was my boyfriend at the time. A different scenario but I felt like he was not sending the right message to others about us. He was a little deer in headlights when we had the discussion because in his mind, he was doing what he always had done. Meaningless flighty behavior that wasn't anything in his mind. so, we had a conversation in which I just calmly told him that I trusted him but we also do have to think about the message we send others. Wasn't sure if he'd get what I meant but thank goodness he did. I think how we act . . . such as your boyfriend being flirty on facebook or that way with other women in general could be meaningless (a habit) but it sends the wrong message to others and it hurts you, and for THAT he needs to make the effort to change how he rolls. But you have to be calm when you talk to him and not let the 'jealous' part come through but more of the hurt part to get through to him.
In terms of his past, that you kind of have to let go. I think he sounds like he has slept with a lot of women and they are all 'around'. That is awkward for you. And that they are then his friends, whew, double awkward. My philosophy with my now husband is that his 'female' friends that were genuine 'just friends' stuck around when we got serious and his 'friends that might have wanted more' dropped out. and HE dropped any female friends that did not become friendly with me; We never had to have a discussion about this but it was just how it worked out. I don't know how long you've been together as I didn't start this weeding out until after we were engaged. But it happened and in truth, my husband had a lot of old friends, old girlfriends too that weren't as interested in him when he was marrying me or weren't interested in me as their friend, so they disappeared from his life.
but in terms of just seeing them out and about, just try to fight the jealous feeling. don't tell him if you see one of them. Act like it is no big deal and it becomes less of a big deal. Fake it until you make it, as the saying goes.
One way to combat insecurity (which yes, is often part of jealousy) is to really work on things that you like about yourself. If you have a hobby or an interest, explore it right now and get busy with it. Exercising is really an ego booster--- makes us look better but even more important, FEEL better. So add something new to your exercise mix. Throw yourself into work. Picture getting a promotion or a bonus or even just a compliment from the big boss and work to get there. Things like this really do make us feel better about ourselves and stronger and when we have enough of that, we tend to be more secure and less jealous.
Wishing you luck. I do think couples can struggle with this and many a woman is jealous here and there. Sadly, I think your boyfriend has contributed to the problem with his past (not his fault) and his behavior (his fault). So, again, determine if he is going to make some changes after you've expressed that you feel he needs to and then go from there. Right now, you don't know if he will put things in order. I married a man that had dated many women and was a huge flirt. he got it together when he felt I was on the line and worth it . . . and changed his behavior. So, a man CAN do this if he so desires. peace
Now, I think some guys can have a past. That he used facebook in the way he did prior to you would make any girl uncomfortable if he still shows signs of 'flirting' or whatnot when you glance at his activity. and when you know the people he makes a comment to such as you're pretty, well, it is going to really feel rotten to you. I get that and that is not you just being overly jealous.
the determination you have to make is if this is just his habitual way of talking to women and hence, is something he can and will break for you or if this is something he doesn't see as something he'll change when in a committed relationship. He may not have been aware of it as a 'problem
prior to your bringing it to his attention so it is really key what you do with it now.
I've had, way back when, a similar conversation with my husband who was my boyfriend at the time. A different scenario but I felt like he was not sending the right message to others about us. He was a little deer in headlights when we had the discussion because in his mind, he was doing what he always had done. Meaningless flighty behavior that wasn't anything in his mind. so, we had a conversation in which I just calmly told him that I trusted him but we also do have to think about the message we send others. Wasn't sure if he'd get what I meant but thank goodness he did. I think how we act . . . such as your boyfriend being flirty on facebook or that way with other women in general could be meaningless (a habit) but it sends the wrong message to others and it hurts you, and for THAT he needs to make the effort to change how he rolls. But you have to be calm when you talk to him and not let the 'jealous' part come through but more of the hurt part to get through to him.
In terms of his past, that you kind of have to let go. I think he sounds like he has slept with a lot of women and they are all 'around'. That is awkward for you. And that they are then his friends, whew, double awkward. My philosophy with my now husband is that his 'female' friends that were genuine 'just friends' stuck around when we got serious and his 'friends that might have wanted more' dropped out. and HE dropped any female friends that did not become friendly with me; We never had to have a discussion about this but it was just how it worked out. I don't know how long you've been together as I didn't start this weeding out until after we were engaged. But it happened and in truth, my husband had a lot of old friends, old girlfriends too that weren't as interested in him when he was marrying me or weren't interested in me as their friend, so they disappeared from his life.
but in terms of just seeing them out and about, just try to fight the jealous feeling. don't tell him if you see one of them. Act like it is no big deal and it becomes less of a big deal. Fake it until you make it, as the saying goes.
One way to combat insecurity (which yes, is often part of jealousy) is to really work on things that you like about yourself. If you have a hobby or an interest, explore it right now and get busy with it. Exercising is really an ego booster--- makes us look better but even more important, FEEL better. So add something new to your exercise mix. Throw yourself into work. Picture getting a promotion or a bonus or even just a compliment from the big boss and work to get there. Things like this really do make us feel better about ourselves and stronger and when we have enough of that, we tend to be more secure and less jealous.
Wishing you luck. I do think couples can struggle with this and many a woman is jealous here and there. Sadly, I think your boyfriend has contributed to the problem with his past (not his fault) and his behavior (his fault). So, again, determine if he is going to make some changes after you've expressed that you feel he needs to and then go from there. Right now, you don't know if he will put things in order. I married a man that had dated many women and was a huge flirt. he got it together when he felt I was on the line and worth it . . . and changed his behavior. So, a man CAN do this if he so desires. peace
Exactly AB.
Analyzing what you wrote is the best way to help you. Unfortunately, there are no "quick fixes" to this. Sorry.
Even if this is your only issue in the relationship it is a huge one as Tink pointed out. It is apparent it has been an issue in this relationship and others.
If this "jealousy" situation with you is causing problems, i.e. failed relationships, then I would recommend you do some soul-searching alone without a bf and try to work through your insecurity and self-esteem issues first BEFORE pursuing a serious, healthy committed relationship. That would be my "tip" to you. Until you do that you will find the situation will never resolve. You need be in a position to offer a guy a jealous-free and drama-free gf, which you aren't able to do at the moment.
Secondly, combining your jealousy issues with a guy who has a lot of female friends and who enjoys women isn't ideal at all. You are asking for problems. It's like adding gasoline to fire being you already have jealousy issues to begin with.
There are no "quick tips" to resolve self-esteem issues and insecurity issues and this probably won't be resolved quickly. I would recommend you work with a counselor to get at the root of all this as these issues are usually very intricate and take time to sort.
Resolve this without a guy and with a counselor and then maybe your relationships with go smoother.
All the best.
Analyzing what you wrote is the best way to help you. Unfortunately, there are no "quick fixes" to this. Sorry.
Even if this is your only issue in the relationship it is a huge one as Tink pointed out. It is apparent it has been an issue in this relationship and others.
If this "jealousy" situation with you is causing problems, i.e. failed relationships, then I would recommend you do some soul-searching alone without a bf and try to work through your insecurity and self-esteem issues first BEFORE pursuing a serious, healthy committed relationship. That would be my "tip" to you. Until you do that you will find the situation will never resolve. You need be in a position to offer a guy a jealous-free and drama-free gf, which you aren't able to do at the moment.
Secondly, combining your jealousy issues with a guy who has a lot of female friends and who enjoys women isn't ideal at all. You are asking for problems. It's like adding gasoline to fire being you already have jealousy issues to begin with.
There are no "quick tips" to resolve self-esteem issues and insecurity issues and this probably won't be resolved quickly. I would recommend you work with a counselor to get at the root of all this as these issues are usually very intricate and take time to sort.
Resolve this without a guy and with a counselor and then maybe your relationships with go smoother.
All the best.
I think you are getting advice, you are just seeing it as picking apart your relationship. The point that several posters are trying to make is that jealousy doesn't go away unless the reason you get jealous fades away. In other words, him being who he is + you being who you are = you feel insecure. The dynamic between the two of you, not a personal quirk in only you in complete isolation from what he does, brings on the jealousy.
You could practice anger management and yoga breathing and tell yourself that you are being silly all you want, but if there is a rational reason for your insecurity -- such as his online comms -- you are not being irrational. The relationship (that took the two of you to build) created this reaction. It's up to you plus him to fix, not you alone. If he is serious about you, he will take it seriously.
You could practice anger management and yoga breathing and tell yourself that you are being silly all you want, but if there is a rational reason for your insecurity -- such as his online comms -- you are not being irrational. The relationship (that took the two of you to build) created this reaction. It's up to you plus him to fix, not you alone. If he is serious about you, he will take it seriously.
He made them "jive". I didn't change him he changed on his own for me. Just seems like the like girls pictures stay but that is all he doesn't contact these girls or anything. I have dated other guys who were not previous manwhore and I was jealous then too. With all due respect I just want some help with me. I don't want to be so jealous like this. I have a problem and all I ask is for tips and advice to help me change not to pick apart my relationship. I love him and I know he will do anything for me whether anyone believes it or not. He is a man that works at things. Not one that just doesn't care and won't change. He's trying and if I would get some advice on not being jealous I'll be trying too...well I have already been trying it's just not enough because idk how.
Not really getting how he can be a "manwhore" and a "nerd." The two just don't jive.
Not sure how you can change a guy who is a "manwhore." More importantly why would you want to be with one and try to "reform" him?
I say if you didn't date a manwhore there would be no jealousy issue.
You are asking him to change, but the thing is if he doesn't see a problem with his behavior he won't.
"Now he was also a manwhore before and that's how he meet girls and hooked up was through Facebook and he has either had sex with, dated or had a crush on all his chick friends. So could you blame me for being jealous?"..........Don't blame you for being jealous, however, you did and still do have a choice in regards to accepting this about him.
Not sure how you can change a guy who is a "manwhore." More importantly why would you want to be with one and try to "reform" him?
I say if you didn't date a manwhore there would be no jealousy issue.
You are asking him to change, but the thing is if he doesn't see a problem with his behavior he won't.
"Now he was also a manwhore before and that's how he meet girls and hooked up was through Facebook and he has either had sex with, dated or had a crush on all his chick friends. So could you blame me for being jealous?"..........Don't blame you for being jealous, however, you did and still do have a choice in regards to accepting this about him.
You say "it's just this one thing"
I say: This "one thing" is a B I G thing.
If He's giving You reason to feel jealous You should see that as a Red Flag
if on the other hand, You are being 'overly' jealous, well then, that's a Red Flag for Him.
This is/can be a most serious issue in a relationship. Best resolve it before You take this relationship to a deeper level.
Good Luck
I say: This "one thing" is a B I G thing.
If He's giving You reason to feel jealous You should see that as a Red Flag
if on the other hand, You are being 'overly' jealous, well then, that's a Red Flag for Him.
This is/can be a most serious issue in a relationship. Best resolve it before You take this relationship to a deeper level.
Good Luck
Although I completely understand where you are coming from, my boyfriend is a major nerd lol. He defiantly shares his emotions, probably about the same as I do. He is the only guy I've been with that is like this and at first I was like Uhh idk what to do with this because it's so different then what I was use too. I adjusted though and thank God I did. He really is a great guy it's just this one thing that bugs the crap out of me. I think I got though to him this time we talked. Seems like he understood better then the first time I talked to him about it. I just want to work on myself too because it takes two to make it work. I know I can be extreme about jealousy.
You'll stop being jealous when you begin choosing men who are not emotionally withholding. Not that you will necessarily want do that -- women who like emotionally withholding men find emotionally available men boring. But that is what it will take. Date someone who is openly delighted to be dating you (I know, you are about to tell me you'll think he is a nerd for that attitude), and your jealousy will disappear. Keep dating guys who are withholding with their feelings and all into themselves and thinking they are more important than you (which is what attracts women -- they seem powerful) and you will continue to be off balance and jealous in relationships. You should be able to find an emotionally available guy that you don't feel better than. Life will be much more happy after you do. Good luck!
Yea he said to me last night that he has stopped since we talked a couple of days ago and that he is starting to figure out what's ok and what's not and that he will start seeing it from my point of view and think about my feelings more. Yes exactly I know that he will think other girls are pretty and will look but I don't want to know about it have heaven sakes! He never stares at other women when we are out though. Well I've always been jealous probably more so with him because I just know he is the one and I don't want anyone else to have him lol. With the ex before my boyfriend now I wasn't jealous but we weren't together long so idk if it would have developed or not. I trust him to not do anything when out with guy friends and stuff like that, I don't worry at all.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Oh, I hate that jealous feeling. I think everyone has had it one time or another but it really stinks when our boyfriends/significant others do things to contribute to it.
in truth, your boyfriend sounds a little immature. He also sounds a bit insensitive that you've told him what bugs you and he kind of says 'too bad' by still doing it. Now, all men do look and admire other women but what would irk me about this is that it is personal with people you and he knows. That is different than a quick glance at an attractive woman who walks into the room. Ya know? I really wouldn't like that either.
Is this something that 'always' happens with you and boyfriends, this jealousy or is it only with him or worse with him than any other?
in truth, your boyfriend sounds a little immature. He also sounds a bit insensitive that you've told him what bugs you and he kind of says 'too bad' by still doing it. Now, all men do look and admire other women but what would irk me about this is that it is personal with people you and he knows. That is different than a quick glance at an attractive woman who walks into the room. Ya know? I really wouldn't like that either.
Is this something that 'always' happens with you and boyfriends, this jealousy or is it only with him or worse with him than any other?
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