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Avatar universal

In longterm relationship but keep dreaming of another man!

Hello all -
I really need help this a little bit of a long story I will try shorten it!
In 2011 I started back at a job I worked in as a teenager! There is a man there who I became really close to as friends but then we started flirting with each other! He was the main person who started it by grabbing, and slapping my *** flirting with me telling me what he wants to do with me. I then start feeling stronger and stronger for him I started flirting strong back telling him what I want to do with him, when ever I was upset or sad because my current relationship he would hug me and tell me it is ok! We would spend forever talking about our relationship ( he has in one with and has a 4yr old boy) how much he hates his etc.. He kept telling me when him and his partner breaks up he will come looking for me! Every day I would hope they would break up! I would do anything to wake up next to him and spend the rest of my life with him but it became clear after 1yr went by and he still hasn't left her that it wasnt going to happen! Didn't stop us flirting and me falling more in love with him! I am pretty sure he feels/felt the same! I end up leaving my job after being there for 2yrs and this had been going on the hole time! I told my self I would not contact him and would get over him! It is not 8months later and I still dream about him and still feel like he is the one! But I am annoyed because I am happy in my 6year relationship but can't stop thinking about him?? I feel like I should call or tell him what he has done isn't fair and he should know how it has made me feel!
13 Responses
Avatar universal

Truth is You deserve each other, one cheater to another BUT the 4 year old Boy does not!!

By the way, grabbing and slapping Your *** and telling each other what You want to do with each other is WAY beyond "flirting" - most ESPECIALLY when You are both in another relationship.  In that circumstance it is not "flirting", rather it is C H E A T I N G.  What You and He were doing is called "hanky panky" and it's the "cheating game".

It's good that You've changed jobs.  What You need to do now is refocus on the relationship You have, be grateful You still have it - and don't do any more cheating.
134578 tn?1614729226
Your impulse to "call him and tell him that what he has done isn't fair" is much more likely prompted by you wanting to contact with him, than it is because you're annoyed at him for being unfair.  You're annoyed with him, all right, but it sounds more like you're just frustrated because in your ideal world, he is the guy for you, and he didn't act on this.

But here is the real world:  both of you ignored ongoing relationships you had with others who believed you were there for them, and had a long, active, emotional and flirtatious connection, telling each other things about your partners behind their backs that they would be likely to be hurt that you told, and touching each other in a way that would have hurt the partners if they had seen.  That is not the ideal world you dream you had, it is a lot less honorable and more tawdry.   In holding on to your other relationships, either you knew in your hearts it wasn't really meant to be, or you were just wanting to have your cake and eat it too, or have a back-up person hooked in case it went nowhere.

I'm sorry, but you really have no right to be angry at him and to blame him, as when you say what *he* has done is not fair.  It's the things the two of you working on the project together, that are not fair.  

As a practical matter, a relationship that starts by cheating (emotionally or physically) on an innocent party (much less two, and three if you include his child) is not ever going to be right.  If you hope for this guy to come at you and want to be with you, it will be over the heartbreak of his girlfriend and their child.  You will cause heartbreak in your present relationship.  And maybe he isn't being cold hearted in refusing to do this, maybe he has just stepped up to a (belated) realization he was acting in a dishonorable way.  Or, maybe he's slapping the behind of the new person who has come into your old job.  You don't know, and shouldn't seek to find out, if you want to have a happy relationship with the present guy.
Avatar universal
I see that you are very young and you probably don't understand this guy isn't interested in a "real relationship" with you.  Grabbing you and slapping your backside is NO sign of respect.  I would say he doesn't even respect you.  Now, you want to call him and pull him back into your life over some nonsense?  This man is nothing more than a player/womanizer/flirt..........nothing that MEANS any good for you.  

He fed you pretty basic lines/lies to reel you in.  He probably is NEVER going to leave his partner.  Sounds like he preys on women or young women who are in a vulnerable state, i.e. in a bad relationship, lonely or desperate for attention.  He KNOWS just what to say to you or KNEW just what to say to you because you told him details in regards to your relationship with your bf.  That little bit of "sympathy" he showed you when you were upset was only a game.  He probably does this with LOTS of women and then goes home to his partner.

Secondly.......work should be work in my opinion.  It's no place to be sharing personal problems and personal details about your life with no one as that isn't professional.  What's worse, you've left your place or employment because of this silly nonsense.  

You've tossed the "trash" aside.....leave him there.  In regards to the current relationship making you feel so "blue," "upset" and/or "sad" enough to turn to another man you need to reevaluate it as in considering leaving it.  

DON'T...........I repeat, DON'T contact him.  He has a partner and there is NO need to tell him what he did and how it made you feel as it won't make a difference in the end.  In reality, he was really never anything to you other than a co-worker.
Avatar universal
It's not a good idea to bring this player back into your life because I'm 100% sure that you will get your heart broken. If you did contact him, chances are he probably won't even remember you because he's clearly the type of guy who does this a lot to any naive girl he can find. It's pretty likely he has moved on to his next victim. You're just another nameless faceless girl to him who he got to play with for a while and now he's moved on to the next plaything. If you don't want to get hurt then leave him in the past where he belongs and concentrate on the relationship you've been neglecting for this whole time because that's what you should care about. Not some guy who likely hasn't given you a second thought since the last time he saw you.
Avatar universal
Yes what we did was wrong, but I don't believe it to be Cheating as we never kissed, held hands, went out in public with each other. He was simply there for me when know one else was! I did tell my current partner about him when it was happening but and he told me to make my mind up and I decided to leave my job to save my relationship with him.

Thank you for your comment :)
Avatar universal
Thank you everyone for your feedback! It has been extremely helpful!! I just don't understand why I keep having these dreams about him?? I don't think about him anymore only when these dreams happen, it is annoying as it brings up the feelings I had again!
Thank you
Avatar universal
Dreams are dreams.  Personally, I don't put too much stock into dreams.  

If you feel you are having difficulties getting through this then you should probably seek counseling.

All the best.
Avatar universal
Just for the record - anything You might do or say that You would not do or say in front of Your Partner is cheating in my book.  Certainly, slapping someone on the *** applies.  
That being said, I think You absolutely did the right thing to leave the job if You want to save Your relationship.  I agree with Londres70 - I too don't put much stock into dreams - they really can be, and often are, meaningless.  Now that You've moved on You'll probably be fine - just don't dwell on the dreams, a dream most often is JUST a dream.

Good Luck In Your Present Relationship.
134578 tn?1614729226
Besides, in your first post, it wasn't just the dreams you were talking about.  You were on the verge of phoning him. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him and he's the one.  I'm glad you left your job because you sensed this attitude (in yourself) was dangerous, but let's get real, your post didn't just say you were mildly puzzled over why he pops up in your dreams.  He pops up in your dreams because you have overlaid a fantasy on a real (very imperfect) guy and you love that fantasy.  But when the fantasy is more fun than your relationship, it's time to do some values clarification about your real life.

I agree with Londres  -- please decide just how happy you are in your present relationship.  That intensity of emotional infidelity you went through (and still have remnants of) is a sign that something is missing in your relationship now.  From how he reacted when you were going through this flirtation, maybe the guy you're with is too nice to kid?  Even if he is not, for your own sake if not his, you have to feel like HE is the one.  If you can't, you have some deciding to do.
Avatar universal
I love my current partner and always will we have been together 6years I have fertility problems (when i was going through all the test etc was when i was confiding in the other guy) The guy I created this fantasy about was a bad boy and was 10years older, The silly thing is I new deep down he was never going to leave his partner and I probably wouldn't have left mine! I will continue shutting the other guy out of my life and I won't contact him! Thank you
Avatar universal
Agree with AnnieBrook:

I observed, too, that the story has changed along the way and poster needs to be honest with HerSelf about Her own participation and motivation.

"We Can't 'fix' What We Don't Acknowledge" - I forget who said that but wise words !!

Avatar universal
Hello Kate.

I have been in this EXACT same situation before. I won't give the details as it is a long story. He was my boss. he was 22 years older than me, saw me in a vulnerable situation and took advantage of it. He promised me the world.. i.e. marriage, taking care of me forever.

I was married at the time, and not too happy in my marriage, so, I divorced my wonderful husband for this creep, I was so in love  with him that I lost myself. We did end up getting engaged, but after 6 months, he came home from work one day and just told me flat out, 'I don't think we should get married' 1 month before the wedding. ( we had everything planned) anyway, my world was turned upside down, I attempted suicide twice because I didn't think I could live without him.

But eventually I came to realize that he was just stringing me along, he was using me, bragging to all his friends how he "had' a 26 year old girl.

Play with fire and you will get burned, badly.   I am so happy now that I did not kill myself over this creep.  Please don't put yourself in this situation. (perhaps  I should take my own advice, as this is starting to happen to me again) But I wanted to share my story as I know exactly what you are going thru.

If you want to talk more, I am here. you can PM me.

Avatar universal
OK This is gonna be long but bare with me and help me. A few years ago whenever i was in the 10th grade(I was 16 i think) I absolutely thought this guy was so hot he was good at sports popular and all the above. Well i went to a party with a friend(it was his birthday party) and i was suppose to be his girl until he went and left me with a bunch of people that i didnt know and the guy that i thought was so hot was there well i was scared to death with a bunch of dudes well i wrote something on my phone and told him i was scared  and he said that he would protect me well we started writing each other back and forth on my phone i was flirting with him rubbing his hair etc.. well he started flirting back with me and ask me to sit with him and sit on his lap all that stuff well to make it short we ended up having sex with each other(one night stand i know aweful) well this was the most awesome thing i sung him to sleep(which i never sing to someone i dont know especially someone i thinks hot or like) played with his hair well we started talking and he told me he had a girlfriend and i was upset..well i couldnt quite thinking about him so i did a crazy move and got his number...well i started texting him...he didnt ever texted me but anyways we texted each other for i dont know how long i really like this dude falling head over hills for him starting to love him even though he had a girlfriend well turns out his girlfriend found out we were texting and he said i couldnt text him anymore well i didnt text him i still had these feelings for him and it seemed he kinda had some feelings for me but i couldnt tell cause he had a girlfriend. Well time goes on and i end up dating his cousin( didnt know that they were related until we started dating...very werid) we dated for almost 3 years...he was still dating his girlfriend...we talked but it was an weird vibe awkward lol well him and his girlfriend broke up and i told him if he needed anyone to talk to he could talk to me and he would talk to me about her(killing me inside cause i wanted to be with him and was with his cousin and he was talking about her) but at the time i was wanting to be there for him cause he was really upset well we texted each other and my boyfriend at the time found out and almost broke up with me cause we were texting each other at like 12 an 1 o'clock in the morning wasn't talking about nothing else but him and his girlfriend and all that well we didnt text each other for awhile we seen each other whenever i was around he would talk about how miserable he was how awful his girlfriend was how she didnt trust him and didn't believe anything he said so of course i didnt like her lol...well eventually me and his cousin broke up and i had lost touch with him and found out that him and the girl was getting married and i felt awful i knew that it wasn't going to last and they were gonna get a divorce and they did they got a divorce well i moved off and no longer live in the state that i did where he was at. I didnt talk to him text him or anything but i still felt the same way about him. Id have dreams about him all the time that we were together happy in a house just living together all that all the time. Well now im with this dude and i love him with all my heart we have a house together and everything we've been together 8mnths and i keep having dreams about him that were together having sex all that. I mean me and my boyfriend know like we love each other and are happy but like were fighting about stupid stuff and arguing and its annoying and i just dont know what to do cause i keep having dreams about him and thinking about him and i just need some advice and help.....
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