I think this story is as bad as any infidelity story. They are all sad and show a true lack of character in the cheater.
the only way couples make it through infidelity is if the cheater is complexly sorry, full of remorse, does whatever it takes. The person cheated on also has to think about the relationship and where they may have let their partner down that facilitated the cheater to go elsewhere (not ever blaming but we can't do things like deny our partner sex, treat them badly, etc. and expect them to be with us forever). I don't buy into 'mid life' crisis and other such bs and I wouldn't either if I were you. He was weak and lacked character or goodness in his heart when he betrayed your vowels. he's not some sick dude that was driven to it as he saw himself aging. He saw a young thing and went for it. Shame on him for doing that to YOU AND the OTHER WOMAN. She was his victim just as you were.
So, I'm glad he is trying. I HAVE seen couples work it out. For sure. But it takes time. And the truth is, you will never look at this man the same. You have to judge if the relationship is of value to carry on with the knowledge that he did this. If it is, you have to try to forgive him and not punish him for the rest of his life. You have to accept that it will never be the same for you and him. You know the truth about him now. You may decide you can still love him and for your kid's sake, I hope you do. But you have to understand, it will just never be the same.
good luck hon and sorry this happened.
I don't have any suggestions but I wanted to say that I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope everything works out for you in the long run.
As you may or may not know the military takes this behavior very seriously. It may result in revocation of his security clearance, as well as that of his lover. A written complaint to the commanding officer of his deployed unit will have serious consequences. He will be read the riot act, and possibly face military charges. I am fairly certain he will be relieved. I am not necessarily advocating this course of action. If you do so write to the highest ranking officer in his chain of command.
Well, if she intends to stay with him, reporting this would be shooting herself in the foot.
That's right, Rockrose. It's the nuclear option.
Yes, sadly, reporting him would punish our innocent and undeserving family more than him. Our children would lose their college education benefits, we would lose retirement pay and other benefits. His "consequences" would shatter our entire family.
What I don't understand is how a man like this - and I mean I can't even tell you what an upright, amazing, perfect, smart, thinks through all potential outcomes,<dutiful, hard-working, patriotic, devoted, sensible, trustworthy, fantastic father and husband, seemingly perfect (in fact our family's nickname in our community is "The Perfects") man he is. How could a man like that risk EVERYTHING - his career, family, wife, reputation, sense of self, his WHOLE LIFE, his EVERYTHING for nothing but an ego-massaging, mid-life crisis sex romp with a young sycophant? Is the penis THAT powerful? Was it the attractiveness of the youth or the freedom? I only wish I could make sense of it somehow.
Sadly, You are absolutely right. I know this and I wrestle with it. Part of me knows that the absolute "right" thing to do is simple: tell the truth and face the consequences. And DAILY this lesson is a mantra that this man teaches for his children. I could and would gladly support this if the consequences were his alone but they are not. They will affect his innocent and undeserving children more than anyone else. We have a chronically ill child who needs specialized care. Where would that leave her? Her entire support system would just fall away.
Thank you for your advice. Not easy to talk about with people I know.
Thank you. Anything helps when you are this low, and I appreciate it.
Sadly, you are absolutely right. And not so much me as my kids.
This is a story that only you and he can write the ending to. Others may tell you how they suffered, survived, and struggled with infidelity, but every situation is different. What works for one doesn't work for another.
Can this storm be weathered?? This is something only you will know.
You say everything is good NOW, so I guess you have to be thankful everyday that he has done the work needed to get your relationship back on solid footing. What happens in the future is what happens, and you will deal with it when the time comes.
Thirty years is a long time and worth the work to save the marriage anyway you can, but I guess that really will be up to Him . I hope for your sake and your family's he will realize what he has and not be tempted to indulge in this kind of behavior when he is deployed again.
Try not to think of the re-deployment until it comes enjoy your renewed relationship and set a solid foundation for his return to Afghanistan.
Good luck and keep the faith in your relationship......and thank him for allowing Americans to live free due to his sacrifice and service.
I would not go the route of revenge--- telling on him. I personally don't think you'll ultimately feel good about that.
What I think you really have to explore is that perhaps it wasn't a ego, mid life crisis sex romp. Perhaps he had feelings for her. Perhaps he had some reasons based on your relationship that left him vulnerable to the cheating. We have to think about that because otherwise, we just get over the cheating and don't look at the relationship realistically to make it better.
I think you stay in therapy. Work on what HE can do to make it better. But also what you BOTH can do to have a better relationship. good luck