Avatar universal

Insane to have a baby with a man we've only known for 9 months? (& there's more)

Hello all.
I've been with a man for 7 years now. Although the beginnings haven't been as shiny and eventless as one might hope (and need), we've built over the years a strong and caring relationship. However... we've stopped having sex years ago, because for several reasons I stopped feeling desire for him. For a long time I thought I had a problem with my libido, but last november, I fell in love with another man, and although we haven't had sex, because I don't want to cheat on my partner, I want and desire this new man more than I've ever desired anyone.
It's been 9 months now... and although our relationship is hidden and secret, we're already talking about having a baby together. I know, it's insane.
I'm at a complete loss. I no longer know what's right or wrong. Sometimes it feels completely stupid to leave a man for whom I feel strongly, and still deeply love and care about; sometimes it feels insane to stay with a man I no longer desire, not even enough to have a baby with, while there's the other man I feel so passionate about.

I'm not going to ask you "what sould I do", I sense that no one can help me choose between them, even if I'd really like that. Advice welcome, but no-one I've talked to has wished to commit themselves to advising me so far. I've just been told : "do what's best for you, try not to get anyone hurt".
I would like to ask : is it completely crazy and irresponsible to want to have a baby with somebody I've only known for 9 months? I'm 33, he's 37. Would you strongly oppose that, based on your experience? I'm afraid my own experience isn't very positive... I've seen a couple of friends have a baby without really knowing each other break up shortly after the baby turned 1...

I crave for advice! Thank you in advance.
3 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
I would advise you to get out of the relationship you are in now.  Odds are, its non-fulfilling aspects are part of what makes the possibility of a relationship with the other guy seem so compelling that you want a baby with him.  You can say the present relationship is "strong" but if you don't have the romantic connection enough to want to have sex any more, it is not a complete relationship.  Let your present partner go so he can find someone who does think he is sexy and exciting.  That matters more to men than it even does to women, I think.  You staying around but in a sexless relationship, keeps him trapped in a world where he is nominally in a relationship but where his partner is saying by her actions that he is not a sexually attractive person.  That has to hurt.  Give him the freedom to find out that he is, in fact, still a sexually attractive person to someone, and to build a complete relationship with her.

Whether you then go on and immediately try to have a relationship with the other guy, or if you wisely wait a while to assess how much of the second guy's attraction is a reaction to the deprivations of your present relationship, I would hold off trying to have a baby.  I see the baby talk as more likely a reaction to all that you don't have in your life now, not so much because the other guy is really so wonderful.  Please sort that one out before you bring a baby into the world.  
3060903 tn?1398565123
if you've always thought that you wanted a child., and are stopping doing so with the man you're with... you're going on unfulfilled...
if passion is important to you... and you'll never have that with the man you're with... you're going on unfulfilled....
some men want and can deliver a passionate love life, and some cannot...
if you can't see yourself giving up that aspect of a relationship, you'd be better off breaking it off with the man you're with...

having a baby with a many you've known 9 months, and he knew you were married and cheated with you ? is that insane ?
well, if you were available you could see this man outside of a hotel room and develop your relationship, (unless he's married as well)...
give it some time, the fact is if you both desire a child, and you are both attracted to each other you have something to work with..

you will both however, be looking for the other shoe to drop always since you've gotten together by cheating.. and that's going to be hard.....
you haven't mentioned how old you and your partners are.. it might make a difference in what you might do... if you are young, and want a child, it seems sad that you will go unfulfilled as motherhood is such an incredibly satisfying experience (if you're independent, responsible and ready) ...

it's a hard one , hope you get some peace from the responses you get here :) stick around and let us know how things are going ?
Avatar universal
End the first relationship for the reasons Annie said. Right now you're just prolonging the inevitable. Quit holding him back from finding his true love because it's completely not fair to him. He deserves better than this.

Don't have a baby with the second one. Spend some time here reading the Pregnancy Relationships forum and see how crappy all of their lives are because they ignored all the red flags and had babies with these deadbeat loser guys who couldn't care less there was a baby to take care of. The fact that you have been cheating with him means that the foundation of your entire relationship is based on lies from the very beginning. You started this relationship based on cheating which means that this relationship isn't going to last. His only reason for being with you is because you're already with someone else and he's into the secrecy thing. As soon as you break it off with the first guy, this other guy is going to lose interest because then all you'll be is a boring relationship and there's no more excitement of almost getting caught anymore. It would be a huge mistake to have a baby with someone who you barely even know and who likely would dump you soon anyway. Don't bring a kid into this mess because it would make things a lot worse and it would be extremely unfair to the kid to put them in this kind of situation.

If you were smart you'd break it off with both of them and spend your time instead working on improving yourself to make yourself a better person. It would only benefit you in the long run to work on yourself first and worry about relationships later. This situation has exposed the fact that you're not in a place to be with anyone right now and need to work on yourself before being with someone else.
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