Avatar universal

Internet Fantasies and Trusting my husband

Im 30 years old, recently married and been together for almost 3 years.  My relationship with my husband is good but we do fight a lot at times.  I get paranoid sometimes ... I feel like he is hiding things from me and snoop in his things.  He works away a lot and sometimes I find it hard not to be with him, not knowing what he's doing.   It might be good to note that I am an investigator and finding information is easy for me and in my job and Im usually rewarded for it.  But when it comes to my relationship I feel lost when I dont know all the details of what is going on.
I tried to get counceling to help me cope with that and it became better for a while until I started feeling very stressed out at work.  I even tried taking a vacation and I ended up fighting more with my husband. I tried once again to get counseling and only came to the conclusion that work is stressing me out and I should change my job eventually.  Well, I still feel really stressed out and one night I decided to snoop around on my husband stuff again, thinking that our fights might come from somewhere else then just stress from work.

I was shocked at some of the stuff I found and I discussed it with him but he says it's normal and that I have nothing to worry about.  I think he might have a little sexual problem because in my opinion his fantasies are against my own values... he enjoys thinking about watching me having sex with other men.  He says he would never actually allow me to do it but the idea of it turns him on a lot and it's the mental stimulation that turns him on the most.  I found out he goes on the internet sometimes to look and read about his fantasies but what bothers me the most is that he chats with other men and they share their fantasies, sometimes even pictures of their wives.  He tells me it doesnt happen often but sometimes he gets extreme "horny fits" and thats when he goes to those sites.  I told him today to stop going on those sites and he said he cant promise that but he agrees to stop chatting with people.  I am still a little worried that he might have a problem and might continue to do what he does.  

I dont want to have to snoop around on him again cause it is causing me extreme stress and nervousness. How can I trust him without snooping around?  How can I be sure that his little fantasies are kept to a normal level?  Had anyone ever been in a similar situation?  How did u deal with it?
7 Responses
Avatar universal
Wow, Well part of what your husband told you sounds normal. I think alot of men get turned on thinking about their wife with someone else but would kill if it really happened, but talking to other men about it and sharing pictures is a bit  over board. Does he know that you found this out?
Avatar universal
I think he has issues, and, I think you have issues.

Either you trust your husband or you dont. You cannot control what he thinks, says, does so why put yourself thru it? Secondly, fantasies may be normal but what your husband is doing is a little wierd to say the least. He actually talks to other guys and they share fantasies and pics too? Strange....

If you are having to snoop to find out what your husband is doing, then somewhere deep down inside you think he is up to something. That to me is your gut telling you so. Do you really want to know, and if he is doing something, what are you prepared to do about it? Think on these things before snooping. You may get more than you bargained for. As for me, if someone mistrusted me enuff to snoop, its over.
Avatar universal
I think my gut feeling has been telling me there is something wrong when I met him...I think he is a wonderful man but he has a history of cheating.  I never snooped around when I was with my ex's. It only started when I met my husband.  I always thought he had an odd opinion about sexuality and cheating.

The fantasy he has doesnt bother me as much as the part where he went online and shares his fantasy and pictures with other people.  At one point, he told me he had a problem and that he almost put my pictures online and it had to stop.  He never told me he actually did it...and then he kept talking to those people for about a month afterwards.

What I am prepared to do about it if I find he is still going on those websites?  I would like us to get get marriage counseling maybe... or to open ourselves up to some form of online help.  I tried to talk him about it but he says it doesnt happen often and he can stop by himself... I shouldnt make a big deal out of it.
Avatar universal
My husband and I had a long talk tonight and it felt good.  He said he realised what he did is wrong and I realise what I did is wrong too. We discussed all the reasons that pushed us to do those mistakes and we are working on finding ways to reduce that sort of conduct so that we wont hurt or disrespect each other again.

I think what happened is he went a little too far at one point and I got frustrated and we closed all communication.  So he couldnt talk to me anymore, so he went online to talk to strangers about it.  I couldnt talk to him anymore, but I knew something was going on, so I tried to understand him by snooping in his stuff.

By confronting him on what I found, and by reassuring each other that we do love each other even with what we both did, I kind of opened the door to that sort of discussion again.  At first he didnt want to talk about it, but we are both starting to realised that we do need to talk.

I think if he talks to me a bit more and if I listen to him a bit more and try to understand him... he wont have to turn to the internet as much (of course, men will always look at porn and I wont stop him completely).  And by going less on the internet to feed his fantasies, by talking to me more, I will rebuild my trust in him and not need to snoop on him.  I would rather listen to him, and try to understand him, even help him, than trying to figure out what he can possibly be doing behind my back.

Eventually I hope we will be working together into building my trust and maybe our sex life will become better as well.

Does this make sense?  I think it does now.
1101690 tn?1268499639
it is very good that you talked about it in an open and calm way.
I just want to assure you that his fantasies are not rare, plenty of men have these fantasies - the question is what they do with these fantasies, some men deny them, some men keep them top secret, others communicate via Internet about these fantasies, while some men try to do it also in real life (not the best idea, in my opinion).

These fantasies are not pathological, sexologists often compare them to "rape fantasies" which many women have without wanting to get raped in real life, of course. It is just a matter of fantasy, and more importantly, the more he will try to supress these fantasies, the more intensely it will occupy his mind, so I wouldn´t go that way...

As for porn/Internet, if a man deals with it in a reasonable way, he uses this "stimulation" again just as a fantasy.

I am afraid that snooping will not solve anything - you may find evidence which will make you crazy or you may find no evidence, but even if you find nothing, you will not be sure that nothing is going on, so there is no point to investigate and snoop. It will not bring us the relief which we want - we want to find some positive evidence that he does not do anything, but such evidence cannot be found, you will find either nothing or something which you really do not want to find, in both cases your peace of mind will not be established in this way.

Last point I want to make is about this statement from your first post: "I think he might have a little sexual problem because in my opinion his fantasies are against my own values... " - well, if he has something which goes against your values, it does not have to mean that it is his sexual problem, or some pathology. Sometimes our values are stranger than our "problems".

I hope I have not offended you, it was not my intention.

Best of luck,
Avatar universal
Thank you for your comment.

I had to read this part at least 4-5 times already... because I might try to read it more often now as a reminder to stop snooping.

" It will not bring us the relief which we want - we want to find some positive evidence that he does not do anything, but such evidence cannot be found, you will find either nothing or something which you really do not want to find, in both cases your peace of mind will not be established in this way".

Maybe I have strange values... and I dont want to start a poll here on wether or not my values or my husbands sexuality is normal.  But a lot of what I recently learned about my husband's sexuality is very new to me and shocking. I feel like a virgin but I have been sexually active for 15 years with several different men and this kind of thing never came up before... not even close. So to me, it felt like a problem but I am trying really hard to understand him now.  

For a little bit it felt like it brought us closer together ... but I have tons of questions that will probably only be answered with many hours of discussion with my husband. I've tried looking for quick answers on the internet but again it turned out bad because the internet mostly shows the extreme versions of his sexual fantasies... and he got mad at me for thinking he is that way.

I just dont know where to turn sometimes when I feel so insecure or scared.
Avatar universal
hey hun,
i kinda know how you feel and where you are coming from.
Like you  we have been married for 3 years and  from day one he looks and porn for hours on in.. now  dont get me wrong i watch movies but its just long enough to  well u know.what i dont undterstand is  how they can watch or  just look for hourssssss.at first  he hide it from me. but when i caught him,and i made out like i dont care he stop looking.so its kinda like its not any fun for them  if they know they can do it and you dont care.
plus i was on line one night  playing on pogo and  just about the time he came in the room i closed it,haha  i know wrong  but...he  than knew how it felt.cause you see he didnt know it was pogo.
so good luck with it.trust but  dont be they fool keep ya eyes open,
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