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1353681 tn?1387083733

Is it ok to not reply ?

So I've had a friend online for over a year and we lost touch. He got in contact again and I felt closer to him. We would chat every day. he said because of various things in his life, he wasn't actively searching a girlfriend. I respected that (it was on his profile). However we did joke and laugh and he seemed to like me. Last week I saw a woman saying I like you, with a flirt face and he responded that he felt so nice, and he liked her too. I know we weren't dating or anything but it STUNG.. a lot. I haven't replied to his message other day. If he DID ask why at some point, I'm not sure I can share...it just hurts. Is it ok to not reply, if he did ask? I don't like to just stop chat altogether, but it'll be difficult for me to explain.
4 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
You mentioned that he posted he was not looking for a girlfriend, and that you "respected" that. What does that mean, you refrained from telling him you were romantically interested? (It doesn't sound like you held much else back.) Given all the daily chatting, if he wanted to be romantically involved, he would have said something by now.

If you like being friends even if he never thinks of you romantically, keep writing in the normal way, for the fun of the correspondence.

If the reason you have been chatting is that you were hoping that sooner or later he would want to become your boyfriend, stop wasting your time. You don't have to explain anything to him. Just hope he's happy because he's your friend, and move on so you won't hang out with unrequited interest any more.
8 Comments
Thanks Annie. He'd say he was thinking of me, and he was happy to chat together when we'd love chat. He said he didn't want to get hurt again. And it's on his profile he wasn't 'looking'..but we did click a lot. Weird thing is, no I'm not looking for someone either, but I started to like him. But now another he's talking to is sharing their feelings, and he is back. So I feel so , well sad. Stung. No I can't go back just chatting like buddies when I liked him. But, is it ok to just stop, not giving a reason?
Sure, he's  a guy. He's not going to be hanging on tenterhooks waiting for a reason for you not texting. He might not even notice it for a while. Just get yourself out of this crush, it's not going to hurt anyone but yourself.

I had two sisters-in-law who were always getting mad at each other and announcing "I'm never going to speak to her again!" If they had really meant it, they would simply have done it. But they never did. You wanting to explain to him makes me think of them. I would guess that "didn't want to get hurt again" line was a subterfuge; it sounds like he wanted to use you to not feel lonely but didn't want to date you, that's all.

If he does finally notice your lack of response and asks, say you're getting out of the picture because apparently (name of girl) is in his life. That's a subtle opening for him to explain himself if he wants to be more involved with you, and it also keeps you from looking pathetic to him if he doesn't feel the same way.
Thanks friend. I just won't have the gumption , but if he presses then I may say it. I just hate ignoring but I feel low. Appreciate your kindness and feedback.
Another way to say it, if the two of you ever have such a conversation (which I don't really recommend) is "I thought I wasn't interested in being more than friends, but once you started flirting with [name of girl] I realized I do and you don't, so it was time to go."

The problem will be that if you back away for romantic reasons and tell him so, he will realize you had been hiding why you were interested in chatting. (You didn't "respect" that he didn't want a girlfriend, you plowed right on hoping he'd change his mind. Depending on his feelings about the girl, this kind of hidden agenda can make a guy feel sort of stalked.)  So if you tell him anything, be sure to say that you only just realized it, or there's the risk he'll think you had been manipulating the friendship.

Given that being "just friends" isn't what you want, the most dignified thing to do is just walk away. There are lots of guys around who would like to be boyfriends.
Hi Annie.. while I do get it , what you mean, that no one would want someone to manipulate them or friendship, that was just NOT the case at all. I did not 'plow' right on- we did base our connection in friendship FIRST. Did I feel more over time? Yes. I think he did too. But because he said he liked to hold back, to not get hurt, I held back too. I decided I wanted to keep the friendship even if he didn't want it to progress at this time. Now seeing another lady enter , it just hurts. No we were not dating or shared our feelings outwardly, but it STILL hurts. I think we WOULD have maybe one day gotten closer, but this other woman did first. I'm sad, but I don't know if I CAN say like you said, something like, I got close to you, and you didn't as much, so I need to go.  but I think if he presses, that is the most wise thing to say...so thank you for that :)  Thanks for all your feedback Annie. Stay safe!
I keep getting from the way you are saying things that you think if you had only spoken up sooner, you would be the one getting his flirting and attention, and not this other person. Romantic interest doesn't go to the person first in line, it happens much more organically. He might change his mind about this other person and might not, but it's not like she came in and took a place that was yours by virtue of your patience in not pushing him. My suggestion, as before, is to just let go and see. (If it all makes you feel too sad, buck yourself up with the idea that maybe he is just a player, and if so, good riddance.)

I hope things work out for you, either with him because he comes to his senses, or with someone better.
The reason I say it is because he said to me , he holds back,  in order to not get hurt. I felt from many vibes and our connection and things like , I was on his mind, that
He DID like me. I wasn't guessing about that, and he was so 'happy we could finally live chat together' etc. But he said twice he holds back. I didn't want to PUSH anything or let him know MY feelings if he seemed like he didn't want to rush either. What I didn't know was that he was also talking to this woman closely too simulataneously. She shared her feelings publicly on one of his profile pages a week ago and he reciprocated. That's when I just cried, for two hours. I thought, oh well, there really wasn't much for me to do.  He has messaged me twice during the week w/casual messages like how is it going, but I am not replying, just out of the sting of it. :(  I've tried to just move on each day , and am realizing for whatever reason, it's not meant to be. And you'r e right, maybe if I HAD shared how I feel he may NOT have reciprocated. But the feeling was surely there. Not much one can do like you said, and I thank you for being here for me. I thank you for your ideas and thoughts and helping me make sense of it. Huggggggg. Enjoy your day and stay safe!!!!
207091 tn?1337709493
"Not actively looking" doesn't mean "I don't want one".

I think in most cases, the best way to figure out what's happening, is to just use your words. If you like him, just tell him.

And he's just talking to the other person. They aren't married. You're single, he's single, presumably, the other woman is single.

So there are two ways to think of this.

Use your words. Just tell him. He may like you back, and you were the one who had the courage to bring this up, and you sail off into the sunset.

Or

Use your words. He may like you back, but he might also like this other woman, or he may be a player who likes women feeding him with attention (or any variation thereof), but at least you'll figure that out.

In any case, you won't know unless you talk to him. Or maybe even you just end up with a really good friend. Who knows? But isn't it all better than just assuming and being hurt based on a couple of flirty posts?

I usually agree with Annie on these things, but when she says she doesn't recommend against having this conversation, I respectfully disagree. Why not? If the post was public, you aren't stalking him. It's out there. If he didn't want people seeing it, he wouldn't have posted it. I don't know if this is social media or what, but it's out there. I mean, you saw it. I assume others did, too.

Don't accuse him of anything, just talk with him. Have a discussion.

That's my suggestion, and it's absolutely worth what you paid for it. :)
3 Comments
Hi Auntie jessie..So yes, you know, I do think he liked me. Like you said. Why would I be feeling close to him/feelings?? He would say he was thinking of me, and enjoyed sharing so much/live chatting together. He'd get back to messages in one day, but last week, after I noticed the flirty messages of him and another woman, he got back over a week :(  I know he is into her, well I'm pretty sure. He'd tell me he would hold back (with me or anyone) because he wasn't wanting to get hurt again. I think this woman shared her feelings, and  because he likes her too,  is now engaging more. I get it- we weren't dating, and this woman got closer sooner. But it hurts. It really stings. I don't know I can talk about it with him...he's pulled away.  After seeing him say that to her, it just stung a lot. I'll debate saying something though if he presses (on why I'm not chatting). He may not ask though. What can ya do... I guess it's just part of life. Thanks so much for your feedback friend.. have a wonderful Friday and weekend-stay safe!!
" because he wasn't wanting to get hurt again" - there are some warning signs in here, potentially. He may be going from you to her to keep everyone at a distance so he doesn't get hurt. It's an easy way to avoid intimacy.

I don't know him. I don't know how, why or how badly he was hurt. Generally speaking, though, until he heals that hurt, he probably won't make the best partner. If you're ready for a full, healthy relationship, you deserve someone who's also ready. Don't shortchange yourself. :)

Have a wonderful weekend and stay safe :)
Thanks friend. He had been hurt years ago. I'm  working on myself at the moment, and I don't feel FULLY 'whole', from years of trauma and abuse. I guess it just wasn't a meant to be right now.  :(    I appreciate your thoughts, and thanks for your time writing. Who knows maybe one day we'll chat again, but it just stings too much to address it with him, he seems more distant. Thanks again Jessie and Stay safe friend.
134578 tn?1614729226
Hi, jessie --

Of course our heroine, calmshell, could open an adult conversation with him about it. It would just all depend on how calmly she could discuss it. The reason I didn't particularly recommend it is that she is distressed. When a person is feeling stung and hurt over something that she had not had the other person's encouragement to even feel, that's not usually a good time to disclose the feelings. She doesn't want him to come away saying "I didn't *ask* her to feel that way about me, I even told her I wasn't in the market." In short, if he was embarrassed or shocked by how she felt, he'd kind of wind up blaming her. As it is right now, it would just be a neutral break in the contact.

Besides, I took from what she was saying that she didn't know if she could even give him a calm one-liner of explanation. (If he ever asks. If he doesn't, of course, she has her answer about his interest level. And what a jerk, if so ... he's obviously missing out on a nice person.)

At the moment she can take the hint and step away with dignity, and he can sink or swim with Miss Flirty. If he later decides that Miss Flirty was an irritating airhead compared to all the fun he had with our heroine, he might come back again. I hope so! (If he does get back into contact and she wanted to feel better, she could even tell him she's met someone and doesn't have as much time for these chats. Then she'd learn how he felt! But of course, our heroine does not indulge in games.)

The only advice I'd put on the recommendation to have a straightforward talk is the part about if she had been hiding that she had feelings, she might want to finesse that point a little and say they were recently discovered. That way she wouldn't look like she had been being a "friend" only as a subterfuge in hopes of something more.
1 Comments
Thank you Annie.. I appreciate your compliment :)  Saying I'm a nice person, and even a 'heroine'...  *hugg*  It's true- I feel quite wary to say how I did feel- that I felt closer to him, and that it really stung. I think had only he and I remained chatting, perhaps one of us would have shared feelings. He surely did seem to jive, connect and click with me. He'd say I was on his mind. :/  But what can you do? I just have to slowly move away, and not feel uptight about not answering (if he asks why I stopped chat). I  don't ever like to be the one who is ignoring another- but I'm just really sad is all. I really can't type out all I've felt and what it made me feel seeing their message/post.  But I only wish him well overall, just can't continue on as  'buddies' or like everything is cherry pie. I guess life will do as it needs, and I know things all happen as they should - I thank you for your ideas Annie, have a great weekend :)
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ah, this is hard.  I'm sorry you feel hurt.  It sounds like you perhaps without meaning too developed feelings for him.  This can be hard if you don't feel like the same level of feeling developed but do you really know this yet?  I figure, what do you have to lose but a few minutes of pride if he responds in a way that doesn't go as you hoped if you tell him that you would like a chance to date him yourself if he is open to it?  Give it a shot.  My belief is that friends don't usually really last in any genuine way if one of the 'friends' actually has a crush.  The relationship is always imbalanced.  So, you may lose someone you currently enjoy chatting with but it just cuts to the chase and maybe forces you to not spend time continuing to develop feelings for that person when a future relationship likely won't happen.  You know what I mean?  hugs
5 Comments
Hi Special. thanks for your ideas. The thing is, I can feel and see he doesn't reply to me as much. It used to be a day , now it's maybe 4 days or a week. It really stings. So I am pretty sure he's close to the other person. I DO think and believe he liked me as well- we clicked/connected. Perhaps this other person shared their feelings first, which is most likely the case. I don't think at this point, I can share what I feel.  I did enjoy chatting very much, but I'd have to go forward not being buddies, b/c it really stung :( Guess he was kind of becoming close to both of us, but she opened up more faster. I was trying to hold back b/c he said he wasn't searching a relationship. What can you do.  I wish him well in my mind, but it's so hard to tell him things now. Thank you so much for your thoughts friend *huggg* I appreciate them.
Hey there.  I'm really sorry.  That does hurt.  It sounds like you developed a crush on him and whether it could have been reciprocated or not is something you are now afraid to find out as it would hurt too much if he gives a negative response?  If that is the case, I understand and think you are right to just exit the situation.  Finding someone available to you may be a better way to go next time.  He had what he had as his status.  I guess that should serve as a red flag if you are actually hoping for a relationship with someone you are communicating with.  But that's hard as sometimes these feelings develop out of nowhere too.  I am sorry this worked out this way.  Stay in touch.  hugs.
That's hard.  I'm sorry.  I'm a big fan of building a foundation with someone.  Knowing them deeply can aid in a better relationship down the road.  And you put work into that.  But the truth is you developed a crush.  And he may or may not reciprocate it but now you are uncomfortable sharing how you feel to give it a chance.  I guess you are right that if you don't want to risk hurt over a negative response to telling him, you should exit the situation.  You are more invested than him if he lets your messages sit.  Finding someone to have what you are looking for sounds like a good plan. And being equal in interest level would make sense to want.  I'm sorry though as I know it hurts.  hugs
Thanks Special. I truly appreciate your reply. Yes bingo..if I say how I've felt for him, he could just say" I don't feel that way", since now he has this other person.
I appreciate all your help. Ty friend. Its hard to fade but I know it's the main move
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