Aa
Is it time to walk away
I am with my girlfriend for 9 years and we have one child, we live together in an apartment I bought but we have joint ownership! We have not had sex in 2.5 years and my girlfriend says she loves me 'sometimes' but wont ever have sex with me, kiss or hug me and we argue basically 5 times a week with her spitting on my face etc.., so basically she is like a bad tenant. Problem is I'm only 30 and would kinda like some sex passion and someone who loves me and have a future with them, but we have a baby and I don't want to leave him and she says the baby needs me! But also she has said she doesn't want to have to worry to pay a mortgage herself as if we officially split I would give her 50% so she would put that towards a place for her and would have some type of mortgage
Not sure what to do or what I deserve at this stage
Not sure what to do or what I deserve at this stage
As long as you are in your baby's life, he has you. The relationship has gone sour and so I believe its time to walk away. It makes no sense to be somewhere and be with someone and be terribly unhappy. Your girlfriend is not content in the relationship and neither are you. The truth is a baby doesn't necessarily need their parents to be together to survive, yes it would be nice but once that child has two parents who loves and cares for him, then he will be alright. You do not need this. You are young so go out there and enjoy your life, don't make yourself miserable.
Take care!
Anna
Take care!
Anna
After reading your posts, I would say the relationship has ran its course and assume end things. I mean when you start referring to a gf as "so basically she is like a bad tenant" then that would indicate the relationship is a NO GO.
Consult with legal professionals about the property issues and issues in regards to child support/custody. Start the "ball" rolling; don't wait for your gf to start things.
She doesn't want this......why waste anymore time? Sounds like she isn't even interested in figuring out why she is so unhappy; just states she is "unhappy." Even if she figured out why she is unhappy, that still doesn't mean the relationship will survive or that it is meant to be.
Your child deserves to live in a happy environment even if that means having mommy and daddy live in two different homes.
Consult with legal professionals about the property issues and issues in regards to child support/custody. Start the "ball" rolling; don't wait for your gf to start things.
She doesn't want this......why waste anymore time? Sounds like she isn't even interested in figuring out why she is so unhappy; just states she is "unhappy." Even if she figured out why she is unhappy, that still doesn't mean the relationship will survive or that it is meant to be.
Your child deserves to live in a happy environment even if that means having mommy and daddy live in two different homes.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I guess what I am getting at is that she did at one time love you and you her. Something went wrong. It really helps when we do move on in a relationship to think about the details of the one that failed.
WHY was she so unhappy is a question to really think about. What went wrong in the relationship?
Self relfection and digging into questions like this is how we can change our lives. I just think it would help you to be insightful about this relationship. I get that you want to go and think it sounds like that will be best for you both but encourage you to just do some soul searching as to what the trigger was for this implosion and how it got to this point. That is how you make sure patterns never repeat. good luck
WHY was she so unhappy is a question to really think about. What went wrong in the relationship?
Self relfection and digging into questions like this is how we can change our lives. I just think it would help you to be insightful about this relationship. I get that you want to go and think it sounds like that will be best for you both but encourage you to just do some soul searching as to what the trigger was for this implosion and how it got to this point. That is how you make sure patterns never repeat. good luck
Thanks for the reply
She is angry because she is unhappy, she doesn't love me and want to have love and a relationship this is fine with me, but the problem is she wont do anything about it!
She is angry because she is unhappy, she doesn't love me and want to have love and a relationship this is fine with me, but the problem is she wont do anything about it!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, it takes two to fix a relationship and frankly, she does sound unwilling from what you've written. Why is she so angry with you?? Can you think of anything?
Some relationships can be fixed and sadly, some can't. I do get the impression that you may have tried to fix this but she just will not bend or make an effort, is that correct?
I am sorry I misunderstood your first post. She does work. Well, that makes things easier in that she can have an income and won't be destitute with a baby (which is what I was picturing).
Really, if she isn't willing to work on things and you are at your limit, what can you do to change this? Probably leaving will be the answer. good luck
Some relationships can be fixed and sadly, some can't. I do get the impression that you may have tried to fix this but she just will not bend or make an effort, is that correct?
I am sorry I misunderstood your first post. She does work. Well, that makes things easier in that she can have an income and won't be destitute with a baby (which is what I was picturing).
Really, if she isn't willing to work on things and you are at your limit, what can you do to change this? Probably leaving will be the answer. good luck
Hi, thank you for taking the time to reply
'Well what do you think happened that changed the relationship from where you felt you loved her enough for YOU to buy the apartment yet put her name on it too? ' Things changed right after having a kid, basically we never had sex after that a grew apart more and more every day!
'That sounds like you wanted to show you were committed to her and no need to marry to prove it?' correct I did want to show I wanted to spend my life with her (i.e she didnt want to get married, I would have)
Regarding therapy you were saying I to her to go, even my parents suggested i say to her, and her reply was why pay 200 euro if i know what he will say 'we need to break up' and that was the end of that!
'Well what do you think happened that changed the relationship from where you felt you loved her enough for YOU to buy the apartment yet put her name on it too? ' Things changed right after having a kid, basically we never had sex after that a grew apart more and more every day!
'That sounds like you wanted to show you were committed to her and no need to marry to prove it?' correct I did want to show I wanted to spend my life with her (i.e she didnt want to get married, I would have)
Regarding therapy you were saying I to her to go, even my parents suggested i say to her, and her reply was why pay 200 euro if i know what he will say 'we need to break up' and that was the end of that!
Hi and thank you for the reply.
Getting to your questions, the baby is 5, things were great before the kid! But the last 2.5 years I cant even get a kiss or hug nothing, also she is always in a mood, I would say 4/5 times a week which makes me have a knot in my stomach, when I get home from work she doesn't really want to talk nothing, lately she is going to bed at 8pm so she doesn't have to look at me, her words not mine! I say why are you so moody she says because Im unhappy! BTW she has a full time job, our kid goes to school. She has told me countless times that she doesnt love me but then I say well lets sort out this mortgage as I cannot afford to pay two as I dont make much, you can have flat and car and I will start from the beginning, i said this two years ago and she still hastn agreed to see the bank advisory nothing.
Getting to your questions, the baby is 5, things were great before the kid! But the last 2.5 years I cant even get a kiss or hug nothing, also she is always in a mood, I would say 4/5 times a week which makes me have a knot in my stomach, when I get home from work she doesn't really want to talk nothing, lately she is going to bed at 8pm so she doesn't have to look at me, her words not mine! I say why are you so moody she says because Im unhappy! BTW she has a full time job, our kid goes to school. She has told me countless times that she doesnt love me but then I say well lets sort out this mortgage as I cannot afford to pay two as I dont make much, you can have flat and car and I will start from the beginning, i said this two years ago and she still hastn agreed to see the bank advisory nothing.
This is really a great answer, thank you so much, you know it gotten to the stage when my own father says, 'you should find something on the side' as he knows the story with my girlfriend and another thing he says is 'you have amazing patience' you know OK we are like room mates that don't get on, but still I would not be able to see someone else as I would feel to bad! But if I was officially single then sure! I think i still have some confidence left.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there, well, how old is your baby? Were things bad before the baby?
I ask this because if they were, then this is a position you helped place yourself in. And if they were not, I was just going to say that sometimes a depletion of sex drive happens after child birth and for a few years. I did not give my own husband the attention he needed and deserved for a time frame as I was super tired, didn't feel all that sexy after spending the days with kids, etc. My libido came back though and things went back to normal.
However, you describe some volatility. That she is so angry to spit at you, that is quite a hostile action.
Would you be able to convince her (or yourself) to go to a therapist to try to work on communication and what the route problems are?
I think that one thing, as a stay at home mom that I always have a problem with, is that one thinks that a woman isn't contributing if she is doing that (some people do). That sure is a thankless job. I am very fortunate that my husband has never made me feel like I was less of a contributor because I do my role at home. If you would like her to begin seeking employment, perhaps this is an area of discussion. It will include thinking about childcare and who would look after your son. These are big decisions.
So, I guess I would think that now that you've had a child that you and she make an effort to resolve this via counseling. After a good go of that, if it is still volatile, then yes, it is better to split.
good luck
I ask this because if they were, then this is a position you helped place yourself in. And if they were not, I was just going to say that sometimes a depletion of sex drive happens after child birth and for a few years. I did not give my own husband the attention he needed and deserved for a time frame as I was super tired, didn't feel all that sexy after spending the days with kids, etc. My libido came back though and things went back to normal.
However, you describe some volatility. That she is so angry to spit at you, that is quite a hostile action.
Would you be able to convince her (or yourself) to go to a therapist to try to work on communication and what the route problems are?
I think that one thing, as a stay at home mom that I always have a problem with, is that one thinks that a woman isn't contributing if she is doing that (some people do). That sure is a thankless job. I am very fortunate that my husband has never made me feel like I was less of a contributor because I do my role at home. If you would like her to begin seeking employment, perhaps this is an area of discussion. It will include thinking about childcare and who would look after your son. These are big decisions.
So, I guess I would think that now that you've had a child that you and she make an effort to resolve this via counseling. After a good go of that, if it is still volatile, then yes, it is better to split.
good luck
hi,
Well what do you think happened that changed the relationship from where you felt you loved her enough for YOU to buy the apartment yet put her name on it too?
That sounds like you wanted to show you were committed to her and no need to marry to prove it? I'm not brow beating you, its your life and your decisions, just trying to find out how things started to go downhill.
It might not be anything I am guessing at..but what do you think, is there a possibility what I mentioned could have caused things to go down - even IF she hasn't expressed that in words? Do you know what I am trying to say/ask?
Was that sorta like a trade off for getting married. In other words did she want to get married at the time and you didn't want to get married but maybe wanted to prove 'your love' and commitment by putting her name on the apartment?
Because ,,,just saying IF this is what happened she might be resenting you didn't ask her to marry?
Of course her behavior is off the charts with the spitting and all that and you are quite the patient man... But I'd really need that question to be answered in order for me to try to figure this out... I do tip my hat to you in that you are trying to figure things out and not just throw in the towel..
And definitely some anger issues on her part, but thats nothing you don't know:) But with that said,, she is afraid to be on her own,,, so if you can get to the bottom of why she feels the way she feels I think you could get her to see she needs some therapy etc and with that possibly things could work,,, but again,,, I'm a big one for looking into 'root cause" of problems because the root always has to be pulled out in order for things to work out..
Well what do you think happened that changed the relationship from where you felt you loved her enough for YOU to buy the apartment yet put her name on it too?
That sounds like you wanted to show you were committed to her and no need to marry to prove it? I'm not brow beating you, its your life and your decisions, just trying to find out how things started to go downhill.
It might not be anything I am guessing at..but what do you think, is there a possibility what I mentioned could have caused things to go down - even IF she hasn't expressed that in words? Do you know what I am trying to say/ask?
Was that sorta like a trade off for getting married. In other words did she want to get married at the time and you didn't want to get married but maybe wanted to prove 'your love' and commitment by putting her name on the apartment?
Because ,,,just saying IF this is what happened she might be resenting you didn't ask her to marry?
Of course her behavior is off the charts with the spitting and all that and you are quite the patient man... But I'd really need that question to be answered in order for me to try to figure this out... I do tip my hat to you in that you are trying to figure things out and not just throw in the towel..
And definitely some anger issues on her part, but thats nothing you don't know:) But with that said,, she is afraid to be on her own,,, so if you can get to the bottom of why she feels the way she feels I think you could get her to see she needs some therapy etc and with that possibly things could work,,, but again,,, I'm a big one for looking into 'root cause" of problems because the root always has to be pulled out in order for things to work out..
You are too nice to even ask that question. 2.5 years!, spat on in the face, loves you sometimes. For your kid alone, I think you need to split since being witness to that sort of behavior is detrimental to his / her emotion development. It would be more beneficial for him / her to grow up in a loving encironment. I have posted here regarding difficulties enduring long sexless bouts, but these are months bouts, not years. I am also in a loving relationship and dealing primarily with lack of libido issues. My kids see two loving parents every day - I personally would not be able to tolerate the abuse you describe. You are being used and abused all under the guise that staying together is beneficial for your child which, in reality is detrimental. There are plenty of nice women out there in their 30's just jonesing for a good guy like yourself. So from all that, you can guess my position and answer to your question...
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