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Avatar universal

Is my boyfriend a homosexual?

I'm new to this forum, so great to find a place to discuss the issue that's really been bothering me.

I'm a 28-years old female, I've been together with my boyfriend, who's the same age, for 6 months now. We've been living in a long-distance relationship for most of the time. We have always had a strong mutual trust between us and there's never been a doubt that either of us would be unfaithful even we're apart.

In the very beginning of our relationship there was an incident that I never, at that time, really thought of afterwards. When we met we very quickly got emotionally close, and shared a lot of things. He then told me, that a couple of months earlier he had been seeing another guy for a few times and they had been masturbating together, or masturbating each other. He asked me if I still feel as attracted to him as I did before he told me that, and of course I did. I consider myself quite liberal and I had no problem with his sexual experiences.

We never talked about that again, but one month ago we had a long, kind of emotional talk in the middle of the night, and he "confessed" having several sexual experiences with other men in his youth (around the age 20-25 - last time he had an actual intercourse with another male was in 2003). He told me he thinks he's been bisexual, as he's always felt very much attracted to women, and has had long relationships with girls before me. When after that "confession" I told him I don't care how he wants to classify himself sexually, as long as he is sure I am what he wants, something significantly changed between us: we became emotionally closer to each other, but also he started to show physical affection to me like never before (not meaning sex). The sex between us has always been incredible, it's very passionate, very intimate and we have it 4-10 times a week. He's far out the best lover I have ever had in my life.

Everything was fine until I accidentally found pics of someone's penis in his laptop's recycle bin. That was a huge shock for me, and when he came from work I confronted him on this topic. I asked straight, if he's gay, and if he is with me because he wants to deny his real sexual identity (he often tells how cool and amazing girl I am, like no one else, so I thought he sees a "wife potential" in me), but he denied that strongly. He told me he is deeply in love with me, and I am the person he wants to be with - and that he feels no guilt for his physical attraction to other males, watching gay porn etc. but that it had nothing to do with his feelings or commitment to me. After I asked, he told the penis pics were of that guy, who he had practiced mutual masturbation before me, and that they were in a recycle bin for a reason...

I wanted to believe him but I couldn't, I became desperate, so the next day I browsed through his MSN logs to find some "evidence". And I did... He had not only had a masturbation relation to the guy before me, but also a very strong emotional bond that had been on for the whole time we had been together. The guy had already moved on the other side of the world, but they had kept very firmly in touch online. The guy knew everything about me, so my boyfriend's relationship was never a secret in their communication. He was time to time obviously jealous of me too, and I got the impression that my boyfriend had been in love with him, and that the other guy was still very much in love with my boyfriend. They had shared a lot of pics of each other, I assume erotic ones, and had very intimate talks (about their love when they had their short time together, about their sexual desire to each other, about the possible plans to meet again somewhere in the world etc.).

That broke my heart and I was totally devastated. I felt that my boyfriend had been cheating on me all the time we were living apart, not desiring me but someone else. I told him that I had "trespassed" his private logs and found everything out. He was devastated too. He begged me to believe him, that the bond between them was gone long ago, but that he couldn't break the guy's heart as he was still in love. He described their relationship as a "brotherly love" that was nothing like he felt for me, and that would never endanger our relationship, because it was by no means comparable to how much and in what way he loved and desired me. He said they were both lonely and confused, experiencing big changes in their lives (the other guy is also extremely religious), and building an unreal, in his words immature, sexual bond between eachother online, channeling their sexual energies towards each other because it felt "safe". He also told me there was a friendship like he didn't have with anyone else, they trusted each other and were "soulmates" in a sense that they shared everything. In his words that friendship has nothing to do with real love, or the kind of companionship that he shares with me, but rather just a deep understanding of each others private and professional life, and brotherhood.

After long talks I told him I just want him to be true to himself. Not denying something that is in him, and not being untrue to me, either. He convinced me to believe that I was everything he wants and needs from his life. After that discussion I asked him to take time for himself and think things through - also sort things out with his "brother". He immediately wrote him an email, explaining that he should have been more honest already long ago, and that now he wants him to know that it's very serious with me, and that he should respect that, and stick to more professional and infrequent communication. He forwarded the email to me, as well as the answer of the other party. In his opinion the case was closed. He truly has tried to show that he's committed to me, and he's absolutely crazy about me. We don't talk about that anymore, as he's made his point clear and he can only hope that I trust him and see how much he wants a future with me.

I don't want to live in a doubt but also not in a lie. Sorry for a long post, but I really hope someone managed to read it through and give me some objective opinion. Is my boyfriend clearly in love with another man, that making him a bi/homosexual, or should I trust his words and give our relationship a try?
4 Responses
Avatar universal
Whoa! Okay, for starters before I say anything else I must tell you I am older and very much old fashioned in a sense. Now with that said.......
I would in no way have a relationship with a man who had had a sexual (gay experience) with a man. One thing that pops out at me is that you mentioned he likes gay porn and had a relationship with this guy that he led you to believe was nothing much? But you did not mention that you found pics of naked females in these files.  My guess is for now he is okay with you but has forewarned you and makes no apologies for the fact that he is attracted to other males. My opinion is, he is not only fooling himself but you as well. No way do I not believe this guy is gay. Just my opinion....
303824 tn?1294871401
There is such a thing as "emotional cheating" and that can hurt just as bad, if not worse, than  physical cheating. Your boyfriend took a major step in the right direction to prove his love to you. I think that says a LOT! I would ask him to not  have any contact with that guy for a while just to be safe.

I don't know if he's in love with another man or not, but he's definitely bisexual and has admitted to past sexual experiences with men. Only time will tell and who knows what the outcome will be. I'd definitely keep my eyes and ears open for a while and if you continue to have doubts, continue to talk with him about them. Keep the communication lines open! I hope it all works out for you!
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Tough situation.  Whether it was with a woman or a man, he was lying to you during your relationship by continuing to be close to the other person.  He says he is now over that and won't do it, but still did.  That is kind of hard to get over and makes me wonder when else it might be convenient for him to change the facts for your sake and his convenience.

I think he does sound like he is in love with you.  He may be willing to give up all other relationships just as anyone who is at the stage of commitment would----  be it with other women or men.  So, that comes down to if it bothers you that he desires men as much as women and have both in his background.  

All relationships come with risks, this one has many.  You have much thinking to do about whether you want to run the risks unique to this man.  good luck.  There is no easy answer.  
686059 tn?1293833827
Wow, I have just read your post and what an uncomfortable situation to be in. I think he is bisexual and it's just a matter of time that he will fully come out. If he truly loved you, this other man would have been long gone and this bonding friendship with this other man is definately a problem. I think he is also confused on what he really wants. I also have to agree with our forum ladies above. I personally could not be with a man that has been in a gay relationship with another man. That would just not work for me and all I can say is to proceed with caution. If he has experimented, keeps gay porn or picture of his previous gay partners penis is a red flag that if given the right opportunity with this guy, he would do it again. I personally feel he is either gay or bisexual and it's just a matter of time that he is going to come out of his closet, so proceed with caution or re-evaluate if you want to continue having a relationship with a man who has the potential to become or is bisexual.
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