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Is my boyfriend gay?
We have been living together 4 years and never had sex! To begin with before I met him he had been in prison for 14 years. Before that he had ran away from home at 14 and was raped hitching rides by a man who picked him up. At first I just thought he had problems because of his experiences. The first year we were togetther he had tried to have sex after many fights but he was so awkward about it I really didn't know that's what he was trying to do and he never did it again. From then on out it was a source of many fights between us. He worked away from home and sometimes I would get a motel and see him in the city he was in and without fail if I tried to get sexual with him he would say I'm not trying to have sex and he would leave, It has been excuse after excuse all the while I'm paying our bills and he is talking about how much he loves and wants me but doesn't care if he ever has sex. But we keep buying things all for him a new truck, Iphones or whatever and I keep sending money with nothing in return. Then he moves out into an apt I help him get because of a fight over sex again. But I continue to help him still. He then decides he will move back in after a year. Right after this he gives me an email address to watch Netflix and his password so I being nosey get on his email and find a order for a phone app to a gay dating site and I get on and look on my phone and he has a profile and pictures naked ones, when I confront him he panics and moves out and tells me give him a week to explain! In that week he called his family and told them that he told me he was gay! He still has not told me! After the week I called him and his attitude had changed it was okay I told my family do what you want! And I don't owe you an explanation. Still he has not said to me he is gay! And when I ask him he says he is not! Prior to going to prison he had a girlfriend and sex with women! After I was the second woman he had been with and no sex with either. He tried with the first and couldn't stay erect. He says he doesn't know what he is or what he wants. I pushed him to tell me if we had a chance so he said we are done! My heart is broken He says he has done things he cant live down. and that we are done! Since this I have gotten on his email and he says the nastiest things to these guys and sends naked pictures of himself. He is 49 and he wants young guys 18-25 to have sex with he was 21 when he went to prison. I don't know for someone who hated sex he is ready to lay it out now! Said he doesn't want to be in a relationship if he did it would be with me but yet he is saying he wants a special guy in his life. When I confront him about this he says I want to be with no one! Is he truly gay ? Am I in denial? Why would he do this? Did he ever really love me? He said when we met he doesn't let himself get emotionally involved all the way that he can walk away and leave anyone without giving it a thought! He has now since we broke up given up his job and apt to move 500 miles back to my hometown not his! Where I am! And then says I need to let go! He said he let go and it took him awhile cause I was a good woman. Why is he here? Someone help!
You never saw any private part of his body until on the gay dating site? After 4 years together. I think you are pursuing a hopeless fantasy Kimberley. Be friends with him, but find a straight guy, since you are clearly not going to get anywhere with this mistake. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Nothing more you or him can do about it now.
I agree very much with all of the above.
I think you REALLY need to put legal documentation into place to ensure you get your money. I have a strong suspicion from what you've said here that he is not going to come through for you and honor his promises. While a verbal contract would hold up in court, it's a lot harder to prove if he decides to say that he never agreed to pay you back. I would take more measures to protect yourself...you need him to sign documentation and have it notarized (like annie said)
I would strongly urge you to put legal documentation in place for ALL of the money issues..the truck, the loans, etc. Please protect yourself, you don't want to get taken advantage of...sounds like he's done enough of that already.
I think you REALLY need to put legal documentation into place to ensure you get your money. I have a strong suspicion from what you've said here that he is not going to come through for you and honor his promises. While a verbal contract would hold up in court, it's a lot harder to prove if he decides to say that he never agreed to pay you back. I would take more measures to protect yourself...you need him to sign documentation and have it notarized (like annie said)
I would strongly urge you to put legal documentation in place for ALL of the money issues..the truck, the loans, etc. Please protect yourself, you don't want to get taken advantage of...sounds like he's done enough of that already.
He is getting the money I have been with him thru all the hand surgeries and to all the lawyer appointments. He bought the house from our friend. He is making payments til settlement and he is very messed up! I use to be sane.
You are right. I am very analytical minded but some things or people cant be figured out. I was on a dating site but just am really not into that at all. Not fair to start a new relationship until I dump the baggage from this one! I am very hurt and just need to heal. Thank all of you so much.
One can't buy a house on money that is coming in July, are you saying he is in your town but hasn't bought a house, or are you saying he has bought a house? If the latter, don't kid yourself, he is fibbing about the source of his money.
Anyway, here is the thing. You sound like you think that if you puzzle out whether he is really gay, and somehow deem that he is straight, you will "win" and he will have to love you, have sex with you, and all. Or at least, all his claims that your pressing him for sex was the issue, will be proven to be false and in some way you will understand things better.
However, no matter how you slice it, he is messed up. I.e., whether he is "officially gay" or was simply imprinted by the gay rape into finding it sexually compelling, it frankly doesn't matter and you shouldn't waste your time chasing shadows trying to analyze it. He is simply horrible boyfriend material and obviously not husband material. Get it, he is messed up. He is blamey, wants man-woman relationships to remain at the roommate level, sits around and doesn't do much, etc.
Take him up on the legal document -- you need a note payable signed by him and notarized. A banker can notarize it, maybe even write it, or you can get a form online. They are a simple form that looks like a check. But you need to be sure it is notarized, and it should be payable on a certain date or on demand.
Then make a clean getaway. Stick with the counseling.
In all seriousness, there are a whole lot of good men out there who are not all messed up. Meet them in the community, at church, volunteering at school, other places. Value yourself enough to know that some guy who messes with your head such that you are in a weird relationship and obsessing over it all the time, is not the guy for you.
Anyway, here is the thing. You sound like you think that if you puzzle out whether he is really gay, and somehow deem that he is straight, you will "win" and he will have to love you, have sex with you, and all. Or at least, all his claims that your pressing him for sex was the issue, will be proven to be false and in some way you will understand things better.
However, no matter how you slice it, he is messed up. I.e., whether he is "officially gay" or was simply imprinted by the gay rape into finding it sexually compelling, it frankly doesn't matter and you shouldn't waste your time chasing shadows trying to analyze it. He is simply horrible boyfriend material and obviously not husband material. Get it, he is messed up. He is blamey, wants man-woman relationships to remain at the roommate level, sits around and doesn't do much, etc.
Take him up on the legal document -- you need a note payable signed by him and notarized. A banker can notarize it, maybe even write it, or you can get a form online. They are a simple form that looks like a check. But you need to be sure it is notarized, and it should be payable on a certain date or on demand.
Then make a clean getaway. Stick with the counseling.
In all seriousness, there are a whole lot of good men out there who are not all messed up. Meet them in the community, at church, volunteering at school, other places. Value yourself enough to know that some guy who messes with your head such that you are in a weird relationship and obsessing over it all the time, is not the guy for you.
the money for the house is from a workmans comp settlement he is getting in July. Which he is paying the truck off with as well. And no he didn't have sex with her he tried twice and said he could not keep an erection. And no she gave him no money. And understand we lived as if we were married when he worked or had workmans comp checks coming in he also paid bills and helped me out.
Yes he has li ved with me but he works away from home for a few months of each year. No he has only slept with me for 10 days of our time together. When he is home he goes no where! When he is away I go spend weeks at a time with him and he does nothing and goes nowhere. He had a heart attack and was airfllighted to cath lab for stints in 2012 so since then he has been a different person. Also I am for affectionate he is not he use to flinch when I kissed him or hugged him. He stopped and was even somewhat affectionate with me. He has tried I think to stay with me very hard. And yes I do think if I hadn't found it out he would still be with me. He said when I did that now there was no getting past the gay dating site issue in a way that would make him want to be with me in the way I wanted him to be with me! That it just wasn't happening at this point. He just wants me to let go and be friends and possibly roommates. But I am still in love with him. He can block that out and go on because of prison! And I guess I want him to hurt like I do for awhile not jump into trying to have sex with a guy after he said how much he hated it to me!
Thank you. But first of all he never told me he was looking for a special man in his life I saw that on his dating profile which he is upset I saw. He says he wants know relationships with man or woman. But on his profile it says different and he has talk to men on there and told them he is looking for something more than sex. And yes after a year I did push for sex all the time. I was raped also but 35 yrs ago and got therapy and moved on been married and had kids no sex hangups from that! All of these years he has sex is not important to him that he loves me without the sex! He never slept with me but 10 days of the 4 yrs at all. And all his friends are young guys and they hang out smoke pot and watch tv! They are all shocked he is gay! They said he watched woman on tv and commented and read porn magazines just like them. None of them say he ever said anything to them out of the way. He told me while with me and since being gone he has not been with a man. That he has looked. But that while with me he wanted to be with just me. I truly think he really loved me in the beginning. He said I let wanting and needing sex ruin our relationship. But I say if he was gay to begin with that it was doomed to start with. He did try to have sex on the beginning and talked about it some. But he said I never shut up about it and that the more pressure I put on him the less chance of it happening. His mother does not think him really gay! She thinks he did what he did in prison and that now he is ashamed of it and that because sex didn't work with the first woman after he got out that he has convinced himself he must be gay and that after 14 years its all he is comfortable with and that the emotions of having sex with a gay are not there like with women. I don't want to think he used me totally. He even says he depended to much on me. He says he is not letting go of me just the relationship because it was no good. That he wants to be friends even roommates and help me with the bills and me do my thing and him do his. He said it hurts him as bad as it does me. He says he loves me but is not in love with me like he was on the beginning. I ask if living together would not cause that to happen again and he said I wont say I cant fall in love with you again but me knowing the gay thing he says is something he doesn't think he could ever live down or get around for us to have a relationship. He told me today he will sign legal papers to give me 30,000.00 out of his settlement and that he will always love me and be there for me. Who knows. He said a man can love a woman with all his heart and want to be with her forever but sex with her isn't what turns him on! Then why get with her to begin with? My problem with him is he says sex ruined our relationship and he hates it don't think about it at all. But yet on his gay dating site he is ready to lay it out to any young guy he can he has naked pictures and describes what he likes sexually and everything. I have never seen any private part of his body until I saw it on there. I think its a show for Dr. Phil or better Springer!
Also, you mentioned that he bought a house in your hometown. How did he do that if he didn't have money to pay his car note? He said, you can't have a relationship now that you know he's gay. Like he would have been in the relationship if you didn't find out. Why would he be in the relationship at all if he didn't care for you? You mentioned that you sent him money. Does that mean that this is often a long distance relationship? Or have you been sharing the same bed most every night for four years, with most if not all of his time accounted for? Hey, I'm trying to help, I'm trying to maybe have you see that this guy really did try to have a relationship with you. You also mentioned that he was in a relationship with another women where there was no sex, did he use her for money throughout their relationship?
Your situation is so complicated, and it really sounds like you need to talk to a therapist and really delve into the roles that were taken in the relationship for so long, and why exactly.
I do know of a few great relationships where the sex died down to nothing after 45 or 50, and I know of an American poll that was taken that proved in percentages that this was the case far more often then you'd think or some would admit. I also know of women who are able to make more money than their spouses, and control the finances and who pays what. There are many women who work, and their income is not substantial or needed to be used directly on bills but rather, on clothes or household incidentals. There are kept women and kept men, because of inferior mental educational or physical reasons, and I sure wouldn't call a women a con artist if her husband, who had better credit bought a car, paid for it and let them use it. It's done everyday. I wouldn't call a women a con artist if the money she made was not necessarily used on bills.
That being said, the sticky point to all of this is that your spouse may have tried to stay with you despite being gay, and because of the fighting it caused and maybe his wish for you to be happy, finally came out of the closet, for both your sakes. To me, that says that he does care about you and love you a great deal. He may on the other hand, have used you for money and been having affairs all along. You may know, I'm just saying that there may be another explanation, and another way to look at all of this, that may soften your heart, and make it more amenable to being understanding, maybe even friends, going forward.
It stings of course, that he has taken the position of telling you that he wants a relationship with a special man in his life. This may be a reflection of what you want in your life also.
That hurts, alot. Is there a possibility that it is you that has pushed to make sex a part of this relationship despite your knowledge that he is unable to perform, for whatever reason. (and rape stops a good many women from including sex in their love relationships right?) Sex should not be forced on a women who is suffering from sexual abuse. and it does not necessarily veto a relationship, where there is so much more involved in the dynamics of love and relationships. Did you enjoy your man's company, other than the lack of sex?
I do know of a few great relationships where the sex died down to nothing after 45 or 50, and I know of an American poll that was taken that proved in percentages that this was the case far more often then you'd think or some would admit. I also know of women who are able to make more money than their spouses, and control the finances and who pays what. There are many women who work, and their income is not substantial or needed to be used directly on bills but rather, on clothes or household incidentals. There are kept women and kept men, because of inferior mental educational or physical reasons, and I sure wouldn't call a women a con artist if her husband, who had better credit bought a car, paid for it and let them use it. It's done everyday. I wouldn't call a women a con artist if the money she made was not necessarily used on bills.
That being said, the sticky point to all of this is that your spouse may have tried to stay with you despite being gay, and because of the fighting it caused and maybe his wish for you to be happy, finally came out of the closet, for both your sakes. To me, that says that he does care about you and love you a great deal. He may on the other hand, have used you for money and been having affairs all along. You may know, I'm just saying that there may be another explanation, and another way to look at all of this, that may soften your heart, and make it more amenable to being understanding, maybe even friends, going forward.
It stings of course, that he has taken the position of telling you that he wants a relationship with a special man in his life. This may be a reflection of what you want in your life also.
That hurts, alot. Is there a possibility that it is you that has pushed to make sex a part of this relationship despite your knowledge that he is unable to perform, for whatever reason. (and rape stops a good many women from including sex in their love relationships right?) Sex should not be forced on a women who is suffering from sexual abuse. and it does not necessarily veto a relationship, where there is so much more involved in the dynamics of love and relationships. Did you enjoy your man's company, other than the lack of sex?
Hi and welcome. It really dosent matter what he is, what matters is the way he is treating you, He is getting all the goodies out of life at your expense including sex.
Its time to dig deep into your inner strength, such up the sorrow and go get your truck. Call a local police dept and report it stolen, they will bring it back to you for sure.
Love can make us senceless but enough is enough and this guy makes no sence. He is using you and has been using you. Hes like a child in a candy shop and your the store owner.
Never never let anyone use you as the fool-------NEVER!!!
Its time to dig deep into your inner strength, such up the sorrow and go get your truck. Call a local police dept and report it stolen, they will bring it back to you for sure.
Love can make us senceless but enough is enough and this guy makes no sence. He is using you and has been using you. Hes like a child in a candy shop and your the store owner.
Never never let anyone use you as the fool-------NEVER!!!
He can say what he wants about you, but the only blame to place on yourself is for staying with it for 4 years. See an attorney about the truck, I would get it repo'ed myself, and have them take it straight to a place that will sell it. Maybe you'll get some money out of it. Don't just stop making payments, though, because it will go onto your credit. See an attorney about the other money you loaned him as well.
Stop letting you hook your own self by brooding over things like him moving to your hometown and having had a relationship with a woman and whether or not he said that he loved you and all that. Accept the now, which is that it's not a real relationship (of the kind you wanted from him) and it is not going to be. Being real is a good first start. Then see that attorney about the money.
Stop letting you hook your own self by brooding over things like him moving to your hometown and having had a relationship with a woman and whether or not he said that he loved you and all that. Accept the now, which is that it's not a real relationship (of the kind you wanted from him) and it is not going to be. Being real is a good first start. Then see that attorney about the money.
He has never come out and said it to me! And I only know about the guys cause I snooped on his phone. But I have been in denial and im coming out of the fog. His mother said she has known for years. I just don't get why he got involved with a woman knowing this! He cried for a week when we split up cause he said he loved me so much it http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Relationships/Is-my-boyfriend-gay/show/1950674#hurt him deeply that he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be. And I said some pretty ugly stuff about the gay thing. He says he cant forgive what I said. Thank You for the help.
I don't think friendship is possible. While he doesn't want me he is extremely jealous of every man I talk with he use to follow. me when I went out. After we have broke up he is still saying I might not like you going out but I don't have a right to say anything. But he is very jealous. My family is so worried I will end up on the news.
I am in counseling Because he has made me think its my fault that if I were not such a ***** he would want sex with me! Its a catch 22 I told him. Moving back to my hometown when he is not from here to buy a house and live here is the worse! I forgot to mention by the way he has a workmans comp settlement of 160,000.00 coming in June. It is the only reason I helped him. He agreed to pay me back. He broke up with me one day and called and ask if id help him one more time by loaning him money I said no! I have stopped helping him. The truck he is driving is in my name and I make payments til his settlement comes and I think I should go get it from him. But he would become violent. At this point I doubt I see any money back. He is still saying he loves me but cant be with me because I know he is gay. I say he never loved me but used me. Thanks for the help.
Ditto AnnieBrooke!
EveryThing She Said! (wish I knew how to underline the word EveryThing)
But most especially to seek counseling for YourSelf to learn why You would put so much hope in such a "hopeless" relationship for so long. You want to make better choices for YourSelf
Regards
EveryThing She Said! (wish I knew how to underline the word EveryThing)
But most especially to seek counseling for YourSelf to learn why You would put so much hope in such a "hopeless" relationship for so long. You want to make better choices for YourSelf
Regards
I think it would be much healthier for you to move on...break ties and go on with your life. Having him in the picture, in whatever capacity isn't allowing you to accept that this isn't a relationship that will go anywhere. Stop wasting precious time on him.
Maybe at some point, in the future, when you've healed, you can be friends, but it will never be more than that, IMO. He also needs to move on and start pursuing the kind of relationship HE wants. This is holding both of you back.
Best to you.
Maybe at some point, in the future, when you've healed, you can be friends, but it will never be more than that, IMO. He also needs to move on and start pursuing the kind of relationship HE wants. This is holding both of you back.
Best to you.
He told his family he is gay and he visits gay websites so yes, he is gay. I suspect he told you he isn't because he's hoping you'd continue paying his bills. Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear but I think in time you will realise you are much better off without him. Good luck.
He's not your boyfriend, Kimberly. This is a felon ex-con, who you spend your money on and he is clearly gay. He tells you he is gay, that he wants to be in a relationship with a young man.
Why are you so willing to sell yourself out like this?
Why are you so willing to sell yourself out like this?
Thank You! And I have learned lots. And he did buy me a ring and propose to me last summer and I said no! I do think he loves me but I cant figure out why after one woman he thought he could do this at all. He was sexually interested in the beginning. He gets erections when we kiss he just doesn't act on them.
Thank you! I do know he loves me. And he wants to do that live together and do our own things. He even said who knows maybe we can get past it and be more.
Believe him when he tells you he is not sure what he wants or how to decide who he is, but he knows he doesn't want to be in a complete relationship with you. It really doesn't matter if he is somehow "officially" gay or has just been imprinted by all the sexual attacks and everything, all that matters is to know and believe him when he tries to tell you to stop hoping. You aren't going to be his wife, you aren't going to have a sexual relationship. Stop buying him things, stop paying his way, stop hoping against hope that he cannot be believed and somehow the magic straight relationship fairy is going to come along and make everything all right. Go see a counselor and figure out why you put up with an unsatisfactory relationship for so long. Not because if you do, you'll be able to change the situation with this guy, but because you never want to allow yourself to be in a relationship and ignoring this many negative cues, again.
Hello, Kimberly. :-) Time to look for a guy who is not gay, hun. This guy most likely does love you, but is incapable of sex with you because he wants a man sexually. If I were you, i would have to forgive him because it's NOT easy being gay and not knowing who to tell or how to tell them. I have found over the years that from a woman's standpoint, gay men make excellent friends. Maybe you two could maintain a friendship, while enjoying sexual life-styles that are satisfying for each of you, seperately. I hope this has been helpful. Blessings - Blu
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi and welcome. Well, I have no idea if he is gay but the fact is that you are in a sexless relationship. Living with someone for 4 years and never being intimate? If this isn't what you envisioned, then leave. It really is that simple.
good luck
good luck
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