Is my husband still wanting his ex

[jenhally]

I have been married now 0ne month, and have been with my husband for three years, and have been friends for 10. We have been dateing since june 2007. In March 2007 his ex broke up with him after 4 years. I always knew that after their break up, he still missed and I understood that and was fine with that, but when we first started dateing and he talked with me on a date for 2 hours about her dating another guy, I knew he was going to have trouble letting her go. And I did me best to support him all I could. Im not the jelous type and he could tell me anything. But he never did and after two years of dating I asked him why he never shared things with me, and he woouldnt talk on the phone with me for more than 20 min at a time and I know they used to talk for 5 to 6 hours every time. When I finally asked him he told me im not the type he could talk to and she was. This is when I started worring, not only that he said that most of the memories he has was with her and not to many with me. He told me that was because they dated longer than us but that shouldnt mean a thing. If I question him enough he get s pissed and tells me what I want to know just to shut me up. He says he misses her. And about three months before we got married he finally told me that when we first started dating within that first month she came back to him for a week fling and he went with it. At that moment I broke up that engagment and said I wasnt marring him. After a coulpe of weeks I thought that since he told me and maybe he was coming around and telling the truth so I gave him another chance and we took awhile and he moved in wiht me and we got married in Aug. I just got time to start going through his things that he brought over after the wedding that was at his moms and I found a whole bunch of old pics and letters of her. This I dont mind because it was of the time they where dating but what im worried about now is newpaper pics and things of her from 2009 when we had been dating for 2 years. I also found a wedding pic of her that he get from the paper when she got marries( this is because she got pregnant, why they were married) And if we his ex out they dont talk but the look in his eyes say he still has feeling for her. Im soo worried he'll leave me for for again. I love him soo very much and im a very understanding person but he tells me to stay out of it. what should I do?

[teddybears4ever2]

Sometimes everyone wonders what it would have been like if things were different.  Sometimes it is hard to move on from the past.  If you feel like he can't move on maybe you should move on from him.  
However, there has to be a reason why he married you.  Maybe you should spend time thinking about that.  I know that sometimes it is very hard to get over exes since you spent so much time with them.  Maybe he has something that is unresolved with her.  Maybe he just wants to say "Good-bye" to her.  That can be hard to do.

[mami1323]

I agree with Annie on this one.  Why do you need to know about the relationship with his ex?  Don't you think that it would hurt you even more to know how he feels about her?  Obviously he has some unresolved feelings for her, hence the newspaper cut outs, but why in the world would you want to know what he's thinking?  Unless you decide that you don't want to be with him anymore because of it.  

How I feel is, I would never want to feel like I'm second choice to anyone.  Holding on to this unrequited (sp.?) love that he has for her seems a bit unhealthy on his part.  It seems as though he's attempting to let go of her by using you. I don't think I could feel comfortable with my husband knowing that he would rather have been with someone else.  Doesn't mean he doesn't love you but it seems like you are competing with her.  Maybe that's your own insecurities or perhaps that's how it really is.  If he can't love you for who you are then maybe you need to think about whether this is the right marriage for you.

[AnnieBrooke]

It all sounds great, "I don't mind that he still loves her, I just wish he would share with me," until you get to "I wish he would share with me what is so important about her."  It sounds like you intend to challenge his opinion of what is so important about her, or try to change yourself so you can be like that.  Both things are a road to nowhere.  You don't have the right to (and frankly, can't) change his opinion of what is so important about her.  If something about her is important to him, it just is.   Doesn't matter if he's obsessed, crazy, or wrong, or if it was the greatest love the world has ever seen, you can't change any of that.  So why bother to bug him about it?  It won't make him feel better.  And you REALLY should not be trying to change yourself to please him or match her in some way.  You are an excellent person in your own right, with your own charms and your own appeal, and chasing her ghost in the relationship in order to try to be more like what you imagine he likes, will just lead to you being off balance as long as you are in the relationship.  

I am not saying you should leave, but you might ask him if he really thinks there is any future in this relationship for the two of you.  He could even talk to a counselor and see if what is happening is fair to you.  

Good luck!

[cheshchesh819]

you sounds more like a councillor to him than his wife,he still loves her and you know that so why put yourself through a lifetime of hurt and being second best,you sounds like a lovely kind caring person and you deserve more,its up to you what choice you make,but it sounds like a road to heartbreak to me soory for being so harse,i wish you every happiness,but i dont think it will happen this guy

[jenhally]

Thanks I know what I was getting into, its just it hurts me that he wont talk to me about it. Not that he still loves her, I''m fine with that. I just wish he would share with me, what is soo important about her. It would make me feel better. I dont ask questions intil I find something new like this. I still believe we will have a happy life and Im slowly letting go of the upsetting feeling and going on with our life. Im doing better I just wanted others opion thanks.

[AnnieBrooke]

Since you walked into this knowing your guy still carries a candle for his ex, I would try to stay out of it and stop asking for details and all, and try to make a happy life.  You aren't going to be able to talk him out of the emotions he might still feel.  But that said, I sure wouldn't be having any kids right away with him.

It's not like you didn't know this about him, and you were willing to marry him anyway.  I'd go with the impulse that took you into marriage, (which was doubtless the hope that over time his feelings might fade).   If you think this is going to bother you more and more rather than less and less (I'm here to tell you he might never stop caring about her), then you have some big thinking to do about whether to stay.  You might indeed finally decide that it isn't worth being married to him.  You want to be free to part from him if you decide that, and this is why I wouldn't be having kids until you are at peace with the very real possibility that he might always love her.

If you need to, talk with a counselor about this, in other words, assuming that he might always love her, and how to come to terms with this possibility.

Good luck.