It's been so long. Why arent I past this ?

[Sjudi96]

It's been three and a half years since I last saw him.  He was my first love and he broke my heart when i was 17. He joined the army and He married someone else. I feel like I have moved on, as I dont think about him during my day to day anymore. He is the last relationship I've had and I feel like so much life has happened over time that I cant quite understand why he still pops up in my dreams.  Lately I have been having dreams of him. Most of the time he isn't there. And I cant see him.  Other times I am crying to him but his face is blurry like I cant tell its him. Everytime I wake up from one of these dreams I am distressed,  In a bad position. Sometimes my neck will hurt. He probably doesn't ever even think about me. So why after all of this time, does his memory still haunt me. I dont even know him anymore. But I haven't been able to be be in a relationship since. Recently, I have been talking to and seeing this guy and it wasnt until I met him in person did I realize he looks exactly like my ex. They look exactly alike even down to making the same facial expressions. It is almost like I am talking to an alternate version of him.  And it is not that I only like this guy for that reason but why is It that the second someone wants to walk into my life, they just so happen to look exactly like him? Is the universe trying to tell me something? why do I still dream of him? Why cant he just be gone ? what the hell is wrong with me ??

[AnnieBrooke]

You're probably letting your ex be a symbol, in you dreams. Dreams are visual and fast, so the brain uses visual shorthand in them. If someone or something (say, a dream of your old family house) means a certain emotion, what you are dreaming about is that emotion, not particularly the house.  Your mind just cooked up a fast dream symbol (the house) to get you to that emotion quickly.

In your ex's case, it sounds like he represents the idea that something has been lost to you before you were sure you were ready for it to be THAT lost. Processing old loss when its only 3 years ago is not too surprising.

[AnnieBrooke]

But whether the dream is directly about him or about a different loss and he is just the shorthand for it, when you have the dream, look at when in the last couple of days you felt the same feeling, and that is probably what you were dreaming about. Dreams are just what the mind thinks about at night, and if some idea or emotion or notion got interrupted in the day, the mind will often think it over in the night.

[Sjudi96]

That makes a lot of sense. But I haven't felt less recently. I've been doing pretty good in all areas. I used to dream of him all of the time and I'd wake up feeling sick, or with tears in my eyes, and I dont dream about him often anymore. But I usually dream of him when I am with someone else. Like if I have someone in my bed, I will dream of him and wake up feeling guilty, and disgusted by the person I am currently involved with.  I haven't been able to be in a relationship since. And I want to. And its weird because this other guy just popped up in my life and it seems promising so far, but he looks exactly like my ex,  and I just dont know what to think about it. I dont even know why that relationship even affects me anymore. We were kids,  and he's married now. I just dont get it. And every time I dream of him I wake up feeling distressed,  like I could tell the whole night I was in weird sleeping positions and ****.  Like why does he have so much power over me still.