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Avatar universal

Lack of want/need romantic relationships?

I'm wondering, is this normal, to just not care about romantically being with someone?  Firstly, I must add that I personally don't have a problem in any way with the way I am, and am only asking out of curiosity spurred on by the fact that it seems many other people find this to be quite abnormal behavior.  
I have been in relationships before, never for very long, however.  My longest one was 10 months, the second longest being only three (however I'd known the kid for a year beforehand).  Those were the only two committed relationships I've ever been in, and I had one other that lasted only a small while and was purely physical.  This was only occasional, however, and we never had sex.  I was sexually active with both of my committed relationships, however although I was 'ready' for it, I had no interest in it after about the second time.
I don't really understand relationships, or attraction.  I have experienced what I thought was love, but only for short periods of time (with each of my committed relationships).  After too long, I got sick of them, however, and gradually began to dislike, and eventually hate them.  The first didn't end very well, and we broke contact.  The second, I said we'd 'stay friends' with no intentions to actually do so.  He, however, didn't understand that I was abiding by formalities and has been continuing to try and speak with me, which drives me up the wall.  
I don't understand cuddling, kissing, etc.  It doesn't interest me.  People have to basically force me to give them a hug, and I always glare at them before doing so, a warning not worth ignoring for the next time they're looking for affection.  I don't like people, and have often been described as a 'robot' and 'having no feelings'.  I've also been described as a 'great person', and by the same people, 'vindictive, condescending, and manipulative'.  Which, is true.  I do tend to use people, but I don't really get what is so ridiculous about it.  I don't feel bad, and I get annoyed when other people expect me to.
I don't really get crushes on people, and if I do, they are rare and last very short.  I don't really have any sexual drive, and if I get any sexual urges, they fly off before I can even satisfy them.  I would love a friend to follow me around (and know when to leave me to myself) and be there, but I don't want romance, and I don't want sex.  I don't even feel like I can fully process what love or a want for a relationship is.  They seem stupid to me, a waste of time, and don't even get me started on marriage or children.  
40 Responses
Avatar universal
It's perfectly normal.  It's known as asexuality of which there are different types.  Yes, a lot of people look at it as abnormal, but it's not.  There are plenty of people who simply don't have a sexual attraction to others or understand relationships.

The manipulation, condescension, and vindictiveness, however, are concerning traits, however.
480448 tn?1426952138
There's a lot more going on here than just your lack of interest in having a significant other.  You loathe people touching you or showing you affection, and even glare at them when they do so.  You use words like "hate" when it doesn't really seem fitting to a situation.  You grew tired of someone, broke up with them, and then hate then because you remain friendly?  Yeah, that's a little odd.

I think this goes way deeper than sex, and I don't think it would hurt to be evaluated by a psychiatrist.  There are a lot of different disorders that would present exactly in the way you describe.
Avatar universal
Will agree with Nursegirl.  

The way you describe yourself and people is very concerning.  This is so ABNORMAL that you aren't able to really connect with other people/other human beings.  

Would HIGHLY recommend you consult a Psychiatrist.  

Let me ask you this:  How was your family life growing up?  Have you ever experienced any abuse or something traumatic in your life?  OR has your life been super and you pretty much feel the way you do and nothing major happened to cause you to feel this way?  
Avatar universal
Well, to credit myself a little more, I do nice things for people as well.  I'll bring them things, occasionally help them out. A lot of times I think it's a subconscious apology for the way I am.  (Good example, my dog died and I never really reacted.  I didn't cry, and although I understood, logically, why everyone else was, I didn't.  I brought my mother some flowers to make her feel a little better.  She still vented to me, though.  (I don't know why people come and vent to me, I don't care.  I suppose it's because I say what the logical action to take is, and generally, that's the one that's going to get you somewhere.. it is annoying, though.)
I  can deal with people, I do have a job that they really , and have one friend.  So, I'm not all bad.  

I don't think I'm asexual, just because I have seen people as sexually attractive.  However, it is usually intangible people (actors, etc.).  

As for my childhood, I suppose it wasn't completely normal, but then I think no one has a perfect upbringing.
Avatar universal
I do have a job that they really appreciate my work.  Although I'm not always on time and frequently am told to "please smile more", my boss loves me, probably partly because I can't stand slackers and therefore am not one, and make sure the people I work with don't slack either.

(On m laptop and my wrist hit the mousepad.. accidentally submitted it.)

As for the childhood, my dad traveled a lot and really wasn't there much.  (Apparently I cried because I thought he was a stranger the first couple weeks he'd been around me when I was a newborn.) I had some major allergic reaction to some medicine as a newborn as well, and had to stay in the hospital for a long time.  My mother was extremely attatched to me, and never really let me leave her side.  She was very caring.  My brother wasn't so kind, and often screamed in my mother and sister's face.  He had anger problems, and you were to stay out of his way if he was off.  He'd throw things and go after you.  I don't think he'd punch people but he'd throw you around.  He once cracked a solid wood door in half trying to get to my sister.  My dad never did anything to stop him, and just stayed away.  He never really went after me, and I only remember him tossing me once, and he made sure he tossed me into the couch so I wouldn't actually get hurt.  (He had a liking for me.) I often wasn't told what he did, (stole, drugs, etc.)  I think the biggest thing that happened to me as a child was my Nana dying.  She died in 2001.   I was devastated because I was as close if not closer to her than my mom. I remember having some weird recurring dream for a while after that, but it went away.

As for psychiatric help, I don't think I need any.  People that need help, need help because they can't function well, and I function just fine.  I'd do it for the sake of being able to say I did when people look at me funny for my behavior, but it's quite expensive.  
13167 tn?1327197724
lintugamer,  has anyone ever suggested that you might have Asperger's syndrome or be within the autism spectrum?  The way you write is so completely clinical,  I can't even tell what gender you are.  What's normal for you,  is normal for you.  If you don't want to be in a relationship,  that's okay, you don't have to.

Google "Asperger's syndrome" and Temple Grandin,  and see if you see yourself there.

Best wishes.
480448 tn?1426952138
Good suggestion Rose!  It's like you are completely void of emotions, emotional reactions, etc.  What concerns me the most is that you admitted to being purposely manipulating.  It's almost as though you have a complete and total disdain for other people, except yourself.

If you're functioning, that's good, but are you content in life?  Contenment doesn't have to come from a relationship, or sex, or having a bunch of friends, but I DO think yoiu are missing that fundamental interaction with other people...you don't appear to have the ability to be empathetic, or sympathetic. I think rose's suggestion is a good one.  You DO really fit the bill for something like Asperger's.

Whatever you decide, I sincerely wish you could find a way to have a little "happiness" in your life, rather than just existing, which it sounds like you are doing.
Avatar universal
I just read up on AS, and the symptoms can fit in some ways, but not overall.  Such as I actually have no problem establishing a relationship, as many people find me intimidating, but interesting.  It's maintaining it that drives me crazy.
Another thing is that most diagnoses often occur in quite young children.  I am nearly 20.  (I'm female, by the way.)
Having an interest in Psychology, I have often tried to find something that would 'fit' me, but nothing quite does.  Antisocial Personality Disorder seemed to be a somewhat close fit, but it is rare, and again, not everything fits.  Not to mention self diagnoses is usually completely wrong, so I never put too much effort into explaining why I am the way I am.  The only way I could known for sure is of course, talk to a psychologist, but again, that is not only annoying (I did go to one for a short time in 8th grade, and she ended up screaming at me after treating me like I was just a punk kid that wanted to cause trouble and I swore to never go to her again.)  but also quite expensive.  My parents have told me that they'd try to pay if they thought it would help me, but I don't see where I need help, although I am slightly curious to see what they'd come up with.  

I do feel as if I'm 'just existing', but I also have never really been 'happy' other than the instant gratification of something like riding my dirt bike, or buying new things, etc.
Avatar universal
Your past family life gives ALOT of insight into the situation....an absent father, an overly attached mother, an angry and violent brother, etc.    

I was thinking more on the lines of NPD or APD.  

Of course we are giving you PURE guesses.....we are NO Psychiatrists or Psychologists.  

I am not sure what you are looking for as far as advice as you should really consult a Psychiatrist for this in my opinion.  Try seeking a Psychiatrist this time.  

"I think the biggest thing that happened to me as a child was my Nana dying.  She died in 2001.   I was devastated because I was as close if not closer to her than my mom. I remember having some weird recurring dream for a while after that, but it went away."  I think things probably really went downhill after that for you.  

You may be able to blend in and function in this world, however, though your inner issues aren't 100% visible to the world doesn't mean you shouldn't address them.  Deep down inside you KNOW you need to seek help.  You wouldn't of posted here if you were accepting of how you are and didn't think you need help.  
480448 tn?1426952138
You may be able to blend in and function in this world, however, though your inner issues aren't 100% visible to the world doesn't mean you shouldn't address them.  Deep down inside you KNOW you need to seek help.  You wouldn't of posted here if you were accepting of how you are and didn't think you need help.  

Well said, and worth repeating.  I think getting an evaluation from a psychiatrist would be enlightening.  Also, while there is maybe nothing WRONG with you being the way you are, who wouldn't want to improve themselves to allow for a happier existence?

Very possibly you sort of just "shut down" after losing your Nana.  I think in a lot of ways, how you are is a protective defensive mechanism to keep you from REALLY getting close to another person, and risk losing them again.

I agree with Londres that, if there wasn't a part of you that wanted help, you would have never posted here.  I think you have sort of a "bad girl" image that you inflate, again, to protect yourself from hurt.  That's why your response to us recommending help is that it is "annoying" and "expensove".

Take a chance and seek out some help.  You're not obligated to do anything you don't want to do, but I think if you open your mind a little bit...maybe a professional can help you learn how to open your heart as well.

Good luck to you, hon.
Avatar universal
I agree with a couple of the posters above.  If there was "no problem", you wouldn't have come here because everything would have been "peachy".  It's okay to have issues and this is a great place to open up about them and get opinions and ideas on what to do.

With getting help, you labeled the experience as "annoying" and "also quite expensive".  That's fine... things can have labels.  I'll label them as "excuses" or reasons to not seek help.  Also, in the very same paragraph above you've said "I never put too much effort into explaining why I am the way I am".  That is the very basis in regards to therapy.  If you didn't get that far, now wonder why you found it of no use!

Therapy in the beginning for some people is kind of ugly because you have to expose your soft under belly and all of those secrets you've been packing around for years.  For others, it is an immediate relief.... "its out there now, I've broken the ice and its all clear sailing from here.".

You can do what you want obviously.  It is your life.  Your writing says so much more than you are really letting on too.  I really hope that you'd want to improve yourself.  I'd bet your probably a real wonderful person underneath all of those callouses.  :)  
Avatar universal
I really will probably never seek help unless forced to.  I did once as a younger kid, about 13, and it didn't go very well.  I was callous then, too, and they treated me like a punk kid that just wanted to cause trouble.  I really don't see the problem with the way I am, the reason I am posting here is partly in hopes that things might jump out.  Things I can pretend to change so people can get off my back.  As for my 'excuses', it truly *is* annoying to have somebody analyzing everything you say, and every move you make, looking for symptoms everywhere.  And as for the money issues, you people do realize it's about $80 a session?  That's a reason.  I'm not spending almost $300 a month for someone to tell me the way I'm wired is wrong or right, because either way, it's the way I'm wired--it won't change.

As for defensive mechanisms, I've thought of that, but I really don't even get close to people.  I just see them as one of two things, tools, or obstacles.  Obstacles are to be dropped and disregarded, and tools to be used.  

One last question, however.  How does my writing seem clinical?  I've heard that before and never really understood the statement.
Avatar universal
I am not sure why exactly you posted here because you keep saying this is "you" and you aren't going to change UNLESS it has to be done.  Plus, you will be "pretending" to change.  WHY in the world do you WANT answers about things you AREN'T going to change anyways?  That MAKES "0" sense.  Then, you were asking about "online therapy" in another post which MH offers NO ONLINE THERAPY.  Online therapy as far as I know DOESN'T EXIST.  

Are you posting to defend how you are to us.....people who don't know you and aren't pressing you to change?  Who cares what we or others think is "normal" if you're comfortable in your own skin?  

You write like some sort of robotic machine talking in logic all the time, hense "clinical."  Your writing has NO emotion to it WHATSOEVER.....which is "you" that YOU AREN'T going to change.

I REALIZE therapy cost money and if you can't afford it so be it, but this forum isn't in lieu of a good therapist.  You should do yourself a favor and look into organizations or find a therapist that offer therapy at low cost/reduced fees.  YOU NEED A PSYCHIATRIST LIKE YESTERDAY.  

A  human not being able to express emotion and describes life and people as "annoying" is extremely scary to me....even dangerous.  

"As for defensive mechanisms, I've thought of that, but I really don't even get close to people.  I just see them as one of two things, tools, or obstacles.  Obstacles are to be dropped and disregarded, and tools to be used." ....... You don't even see others as "human beings?"  WHOA!  You sound like you could be someone's worse nightmare.....you sound like a "ticking time bomb" especially if you see people as "disposable."  I would hate to be that "person" annoying you to the point that you could do something "rash"....I am putting that mildly.  

I am surprised you haven't spend any time in jail or had brushes with the law because you sound like pure Psychopathic/Antisocial to me.  

Well....I will say YOU are BEYOND our scope.  
Avatar universal
BTW:  Having a "romantic relationship" is the LEAST of your WORRIES.....that's if you have any worries.  I wouldn't put to much emphasis into "wondering" about that.  
480448 tn?1426952138
I agree completely with Londres, and funny, I was going to ask you how you viewed people.  You answered that already.

You really DO fut the antisocial mold pretty well, and sadly, a lot of those people go on to treat other humans VERY badly.....even horrible things.

I hope you decide to get some help, but otherwise, there isn't really must more we can tell you...especially with your total lack of willingness to even CONSIDER what we've said.
Avatar universal
Just notice your profile picture....interesting and your profile summary about yourself:

"I'm 19, and I feel like I'm always afraid.  I haven't been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder but I'm 99% sure I have one.  I'm too scared to go to the doctors about it.  I'm not always happy, and I don't really know what to say.  I don't leave my house much, just to go to class and work."  

This sounds NOTHING like your posts in the forum...sounds like two different people posting, but what is concerning is that it is ONE person posting.  The profile summary is filled with emotion and your posts in the forum are filled with "0" emotion.  Just an observation.  
13167 tn?1327197724
I still very very strongly believe you have Asperger's,  but am interested in Londres' observation about your profile status.  Hmm.

You are what you are,  lintugamer.  As you age you'll realize you don't have to change for anyone,  and if you can learn to say "thanks,  I'm fine the way I am,  please stop bugging me about changing",  people will stop insisting you change.

The very fact that you don't notice how clinical your writing is is telling.  Do you realize when you talk about past relationships you don't use "he",  or "she",  but rather,  "committed relationship".  That's extremely clinical and distant.

So.  Here's a discussion of Asperger's.  Note that anxiety is classic in teens with Asperger's.  

It seems to me that people with Asperger's don't have a disorder,  rather,  they are a type of personality on a continuum of normal.  Some people have excessive need to interact with others,  are uncanny about picking up on social nuances,  and can't stand to be alone and have to chat it up with everyone they see in public.  They're on a continuum of normal,  too,  although they often appear to be on cocaine when they're completely clean and sober.  

You are what you are.  

Blessings -
13167 tn?1327197724
Oops,  forgot the link.

Avatar universal
Okay, firstly, you can all stop acting like I'm some psychotic reckless person on the verge of homicide.  What evidence have I given any of you that I'm dangerous and/or violent? No, I haven't spent time in jail and the only time I've ever had any 'run-ins' with the law was when I was caught riding my dirt bike by the power lines.  (A place many people frequent because there is no place to ride where I am.) Also, when I was skateboarding (at a designated skate park.  I don't even really understand why he was trying to get me in trouble.)  I do have a temper, but I've always kept it in control, so you can calm down now.  

The 'about me' section was written the day I joined, and I wasn't thinking normally when I did.  Therefore, it is no longer relevant or accurate.

For those who keep asking why I'm here, well, it was to ask a question and gather opinions of other people.  Due to further questioning, the subject has changed.  If you don't understand it, maybe you should stop replying.

Yes, my profile is a pretty cool picture, but you seem to be hinting at it being deeper than that.  You are mistaken.  It goes no deeper than the fact that I like both crows and wolves.

I was not looking for professional help here.  I can read, and also have common sense.  Therefore, I know you are all just normal people.

When I say 'dispose', I'm not talking violently.  Simply, as an example, if I'm in a group project and someone isn't helping, they will be kicked off the project.  If they are of no use, they have no place in the group.

What is my question? It is listed in bold letters on the top of the page.  I am simply continuing to converse with the people here.  Why am I here?  Because I am.  And I've already stated I don't think there's anything wrong with me, it's that I keep hearing from other people that I act 'strangely', and seem to have a 'lack of emotion' or something 'intimidating'.  I suppose I was looking for where those signs are so I could seem more 'normal' and get people off my back.

As for the Asperger's, I will be adressing that in my next post.
Avatar universal
Firstly, I must quote the same article.  "Parents often first notice the symptoms of Asperger's syndrome when their child starts preschool and begins to interact with other children."  This is something diagnosed and found in SMALL CHILDREN, which yes, lasts into the teenage years, but it is FOUND when they are YOUNG.  I am (nearly) 20.

I will, however, entertain the idea and now go through the list of symptoms.

Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.
-I can usually easily tell when someone is annoyed or upset.  I have no problem maintaining conversations, or starting them if I need to.  I do tend to ramble on and not particularly want to hear the other person talk, however.

Dislike any changes in routines.
-I don't have any routines, so, there's that.

Appear to lack empathy.
-This is obvious.

Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others? speech. So your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. And his or her speech may be flat and hard to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent.
-I am a master of sarcasm, so I clearly understand it quite well.  My dialect is just fine.  

Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the word "beckon" instead of "call" or the word "return" instead of "come back."
-This will have to be judged by others, because I'm not sure, but I'd say it is fairly normal.  Maybe slightly advanced due to the fact that I am very intelligent.

Avoid eye contact or stare at others.
-I make a normal amount of eye contact.

Have unusual facial expressions or postures.
-I have good posture and my facial expressions are fine as well.

Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. Many children with Asperger's syndrome are overly interested in parts of a whole or in unusual activities, such as designing houses, drawing highly detailed scenes, or studying astronomy. They may show an unusual interest in certain topics such as snakes, names of stars, or dinosaurs.
-I am interested in many things, none of which are over a normal amount.

Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized.
-I will go off on a tangent about something I like if it is brought up, but I don't specifically try to do this.  Usually I don't care about what other people have to say because, quite often, they are just dull.  I think about twice as much as I say.  If I said everything I thought, I'd have a lot more problems on my hands.

Have delayed motor development. Your child may be late in learning to use a fork or spoon, ride a bike, or catch a ball. He or she may have an awkward walk. Handwriting is often poor.
-My motor development was fine.

Have heightened sensitivity and become overstimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures. For more information about these symptoms, see sensory processing disorder.

So, considering I don't really have many of the symptoms (and if you're LOOKING for it, you will find symptoms of almost anything on any one.  It's when you have many or all that you may have it.)  and it is a disease diagnosed in CHILDREN, I'm going to take an educated guess and say that I don't have Asperger's.
13167 tn?1327197724
I'm certainly not going to sit here and insist you have asperger's - I threw it out as a possibility.  And I'm not trying to be antagonistic when I say one of the hallmarks of Asperger's is those who have it lament that they don't fit in but they don't ever seem to know why,  and deny they have the symptoms that others around them insist they have.  So there's that.

There is a facet of your personality that I don't think I've ever seen in someone with Asperger's - you really seem to disdain other people,  and believe yourself to be smarter than they are and that you are unlike them.  Better,  actually,  it appears.

That,  and the fact that you can't maintain relationships and don't want to - coupled with feeling out of place and better than everyone else - looks like you might be brushed with an attachment disorder.

Attachment disorders occur when children don't bond with their caregivers - you find these children in orphanages,  neglectful homes,  or children whose mothers had a health crisis or other crisis that kept them from getting normal attention.

A thought.  On balance,  you sound like a pretty unpleasant person to be around.
Avatar universal
I'm a lot more charming in person.
480448 tn?1426952138
We're here to help people when they come here for advice.  You don't seem to "want" help, yet you're posting.  Kind of contradictory, no?

You said your profile info is no longer relevant?  How?  Didn't YOU write it? Did you have a 5 minute bout of anxiety?  I don't at all understand.  How can you so quickly dismiss words that YOU yourself wrote?  Were they not truthful?  

You're getting all bothered that it was suggested that you have some disturbing tendencies or traits.  Again, we are here to give our honest take on a situation, and some people don't sugar coat their opinion.  YOU of all people should appreciate that.  The FACT is, you exhibit a LOT of traits that would go along with an antisocial personality disorder, and I'm sure, being as smart as you are...know the indications of having that kind of disorder.  It's hard to ignore those kinds of things.  You're apathetic, flat, lack empathy, don't really view people as "people", lack the interest in any kind of emotional relationship.  Those are NOT really endearing qualities.  Those are qualities that can lead to bad things.  That's just a simple fact.  I'm not saying "YOU are going to do bad things".  

NO ONE has said here that you need to change, in fact we've all said the opposite.  If YOU'RE happy with who you are, that's all that matters.  I don't think you really ARE happy with who you are...not at all.  You're not willing to seek out a professional; psych eval, so obviously you're never going to know what you "really" may be dealing with.

None of us are qualified to assess you.  All we're able to do is throw out some opinions based on what you told us...and we did so, with explanations of how we came to those conclusions.  When something negative was said...you got royally pissed off.  That's fine too...but if you WANT honest opinions, then you have to be ready for HONEST answers.

I'm not sure what else we could possibly tell you.  It's pretty much unanimous that we all have recommended a psych eval.  There's NOTHING wrong with that at all.  I've been under the care of numerous psychs in my lifetime for panic and depression.  You seem to want to make a broad judgement about the psych system based on ONE experience you had a long time ago.  You're a VERY smart girl...you KNOW that isn't reasonable.  You also have a solution for the "expense" aspect of it.  The ONLY thing holding you back at this point from seeking some answers and insight is YOU...and I would hope you would at least be honest with YOURSELF about why that is.

If you're happy with how you are, and how your life is going (devoid of a lot of personal, fulfilling relationships), then so be it...but I have a HARD time believing that is the case (that you're satisfied and fulfilled).  Only YOU know those answers, and you have no obligation to explain anything to anyone.  You came here...asked questions and got honest answers.  That's really all we can do.

Good luck to you.
Avatar universal
Please note that I am not angry, and appreciate the help and opinions.  I know my qualities are not ideal, I just didn't understand why people were suggesting a disease found in small children.

Thank you all.
Avatar universal
That is not my intention, and yes, people can obviously reply.  It wasn't an order.  You don't need to get so upset over everything I say, my intentions aren't hostile.
Avatar universal
Ditto, ditto and ditto Nursegirl.  

It is POSSIBLE to have Asperger's and not be diagnosed until later on in life.  Lots of people are NOT correctly diagnosed with "this and that" until later on in life.  I am talking in general not saying this does or doesn't apply to you.  Be grateful the poster is TAKING her time out to help you as she doesn't have to do that.  

Secondly, we are NOT professionals....i.e. Psychologist or Psychiatrist.  If you WANT an exact diagnosis or diagnoses, then SEEK one from a professional.  My guess is that you probably will be given diagnoses vs. a diagnosis.  

This forum isn't here to antagonize people........that's what I think you are doing.  
Avatar universal
I never said or expected you to be professionals.  Think what you want, but I appreciate the help and am not trying to antagonize anyone.  
Avatar universal
I was looking for opinions.  I got the ones I asked for, and more.  I'll be leaving now considering I'm clearly not welcome.
3060903 tn?1398568723
In my opinion, you owe it to yourself to talk to a professional, because you can't know what you're missing. At the end of your life, you will regret not getting help with this. Love is what life is all about. I feel very sorry for you, and i mean that most humbly.
13167 tn?1327197724
You're not unwelcome here,  I think everyone is having kind of a hard time understanding exactly what you are saying.

Asperger's isn't a disease found "in small children".  It's typically NOTICED when children are small,  but certainly not always. And it doesn't go away.  Asperger's is for life.  

That no one ever diagnosed you with it is really beside the point - you've diagnosed yourself with a lot of the symptoms,  is what I'm saying.
707563 tn?1549557641
Hi everyone -

Let's remember that we are a support forum, and while I am sure that was the intent, people can feel attacked if several people are going on and on about traits that may not be "normal", and sometimes even when people ask, they are surprised by the answers.

People come to MedHelp to get questions answered.  We don't need to continue to ask someone why they are here. If you are personally getting frustrated trying to make your point, it's better to walk away then have it turn into trying to win some debate or argument, which is what this turned into.  Even if Lintugamer has a hard time expressing feelings, or even identifying them, let's remember that she has feelings.


Avatar universal
Hi there-  I've read through this thread twice and really, it's amusing. You're pretty funny and,yes, sarcastic and "tongue in cheek".  I don't think you're abnormal; maybe just a bit unusual.

I think there may be many people just like you; they just don't talk about their feelings or lack of feelings! Most would find it aberrant!

Here's the thing that I think about. Are you a good person? Are you so cool that wouldn't help a person in need because you just can't relate? Do you cause others to feel hurt or abused by your lack of feeling/emotion?  I sense that you're not a mean girl...

What I really think is that you're emotionally walled off. A lot of it from the loss of Nana and your Mom's behaviour has a role in your emotional development, as well. But I'm not an expert...

Are you more or less content with your life right now? Do you feel like anything's missing? I hope you'll answer my questions; I can't help being interested because that's how I AM!  LOL
19183230 tn?1473600069
She doesn't sound like an ,,unpleasant" person to be around to me.
19183230 tn?1473600069
I think this got really out of hand four years ago. Looks like I'm late. It started off as ,,quiet" but then the rattle become louder and louder it's deafening me. Really? I believe she wanted people off her back, but instead, she got even more people on her back. I know you aren't doctors or anything, but you kind of acted like you were about to give the woman the notice of her like. That she's mentally disabled or something. The first time I read her post, I thought in 80% of what she's written that she described me. I also don't have any interest in romantic or sexual relationships. I find it really annoying. I don't have a problem with other people being like this, just don't include me. I have the slight interest in a friendship if the people are interesting. Only then. Just a thought overall..
Avatar universal
Am new here and I can relate with you......Am facing Almost exactly the same problem as you..... Difference is am nice outside and apparently horrible at home
If you aren't experiencing sexual or romantic attraction the odds are you are asexua/aromantic which is the lack of sexual/romantic attraction. Although it's not super common there are communities of ace/aros out there, I being an ace myself.
So, do you have a relationship with a significant other?  Tell us more.  
Avatar universal
This is rather fascinating to read actually. I wish I had stumbled upon the forum years ago. Then I could have potentially been a more active presence. Your initial story describes many qualities with which I can relate.

Aside from the relationships aspect. I have never had one. I did attempt to find pleasure in copulation years ago with another girl, at her entreatment, but ultimately it was a pointless endeavor. I had primarily did it to test the theory of why so many human beings find the act of sex so appealing. So much so that they can sometimes completely derail their entire lives just to achieve it. That seems highly illogical and downright foolish if you ask me. What's the point? It doesn't better the person after the act is done. It's like going to the end of the world to eat a slice of pizza or something. Afterward it's done and nothing was really gained. (I mean people claim there are feelings and emotions that are gained, but you can't truly quantify it so I have yet to see the proof).

Other than that, views of others and their neverending quest to seek a romantic relationship completely bewilder me. Usually I harbor disdain for other people. I can tolerate some if I try and deal with them as I can.

People essentially annoy me. I prefer solitude when possible. I grew up in a normal, generically happy household. 3 siblings, older and younger, and parents that are practically the best sort you could ask for. Attentive, caring, generous, nuclear, blah blah. The whole typical pleasant scenario. My point is, I know it isn't my upbringing or learned peer traits at the root of my disposition and outlook upon the world. At least not extensively. None of my siblings are this way.

Honestly beginning in my earlier youth, I created a faux personality for myself to act out when forced to be around the masses. I have been called so many adjectives, it's difficult to properly explain how I'm perceived to others. I have been all over the spectrum. Charming, nice, sweet, helpful, adorable, caring, vindictive, malevolent, robotic, manipulative, sociopathic, asexual, antisocial, introverted, extroverted, curious, enigmatic, intellectual, etc, etc. Essentially it just depends on how I feel like portraying myself that day. If I want to put on a cheerful, bubbly front or if I decide to let my true self show.

Personally I don't feel any of these adjectives are inherently negative. Are they abnormal by society's standard of "normal," happy people? Perhaps. It doesn't bother me though.

Unfortunately I have yet to find one condensed term in which I completely satisfy every category. I have basically settled on the ideal that I embody a multitude of potential "disorders," as the social norms deem them. Antisocial, sociopathic, asexual, superiority complex and/or autistic. Take a little from each and mix it together to make up the ambiguous cocktail that is my mind. I prefer to think of it as evolved beyond baser, frivolous instincts.

As for some of the people berating you with comments on here, I have dealt with that before as well. The general populace always fears that which they don't comprehend. These people clearly fall under that umbrella. Their emotions and subjective opinions are corrupting their ability to remain objective.

It's obvious that we harbor different viewpoints and possess a mental chemical makeup that is foreign to them.

I would like to point out, that if I wasn't actively presenting you with my thoughts, you would almost never know. Most of the people I'm around have no idea unless I bestow them with such information.

I absolutely believe that all humans are not equal. There are plenty of inferior ones out there. We interact with them all day. The primary difference here is that I am openly expressing that concept whereas most people are too afraid to admit it. But it happens. Everyone thinks they're better than someone else at some point. In my case, I'm able to focus on remaining productive, efficient and effective instead of letting sex cloud my mind. I choose to improve myself instead of wasting time trying to find a relationship to fill the void. Most people equate themselves to halves in relationships. "My better half," and so forth. I'm complete all on my own. If lintugamer is as similar to me as she seems to be, she is too.
Avatar universal
I so hear you! You basically described me.  My mom told me I have been a loner since I was an infant and have pushed away others and was not very welcoming at all to affection since I was a small kid.  

During my childhood and adolescence, I was just fine being alone sure I had a circle of friends but a very small, and the ones that wanted to be on the phone for hours and/or constantly hang out were very suffocating to me. I never ever felt the need to be involved in the social circles. In seeing all the drama/emotional baggage that went on socially, I used to think, “Glad it’s you and not me” who needs that crap. I have found myself being called a heartless ***** because I can only tolerate so much of someone crying and whining about a bad relationship, if it goes on and on my attitude is move on if it is still not working out and your unhappy okay?? Sick of hearing about it.  I’ve seen others allow themselves to be treated horribly and degrading and again I would say leave, if they wanted to talk but I’ve been told by some it’s better than being alone, really? Do you not see or care that you seem pathetic, desperate and needy to tolerate being treated so badly in your relationship? It’s sad that you would give up any self respect just for a relationship.

I’ve been told there maybe is something wrong with me, really why? Because I don’t mind being alone and a sexual/physical and emotional relationship is not what drives me, is not my sole goal in life?  I certainly have enjoyed life, am happy, have been told I’m a friendly likable person and I certainly don’t mind helping someone out and always strive to treat others with common courtesy and respect unless given reason not to.  

I’ve also been told I am attractive and have been asked if I am homosexual because of my lack of striving for and seeking a significant other, and that I’m not, I am attracted to men always have been and a few have taken my breath away and moved me emotionally and those were the two that I married.  I’ve had three serious relationships in my life, one for three years, the other 2 were/are marriages 10 years and the third still going, and going on 15 years.  So when I’m in a relationship I don’t cheat, I don’t mislead and am committed but at a distance.  Like you, I have a tendency to get bored around 3 years, I can feel suffocated and want out of a relationship start longing to be alone again,  Besides the two I did marry, other men that wanted to get married or live together, well that would end the relationship, I made my exit. Growing up I never dreamed of a husband and kids and planning my perfect wedding, lol that was my sister, I didn’t give it much if any thought.  

I love to laugh, have a good time, live music, concerts and draft beer and would go to the clubs and venues with friends for that.  I never dressed up in the “look at me” way usually in pants and a shirt, and there were times when I wore skirts, shorts and tank tops and because I don’t mind conversation, I would talk to others even dance with them and that’s about it but still would find myself in a predicament here and there  I never intended to go home with them, I would say that is not why I came here and if I saw they were getting their own ideas I’d politely leave the situation but still men thought otherwise, I’ve been accused of playing hard to get or called a tease, when nope I was guilty of neither.  I always made sure I did not let men buy me drinks and if they did I would politely refuse so they would not get the wrong idea, even lied and told them I’m not single and sometimes that didn’t stop them, and the fact that they showed disrespect for what I said either no or I’m not single angered me and I would become mean towards them.  I had no problem leaving alone, the emotional cesspool I would see at clubs and at other times during my life was something I simply was not interested in.  Not a lot are like me or understand that I can walk away if a relationship was too complicated and will be just fine being alone, don’t need to define myself, life, or self worth by having to be in a relationship.  Nor did I ever put much into sex either, sure it’s nice when it’s there but if not that’s okay too, certainly would never resort to desperate and/or self degrading behavior to get sex and affections from a man, it’s never been what I live for.  

Marriage for me was/is hard, found two things I did not like, one being constant togetherness and the other, selfish as it may seem I don’t like to have to feel like I’m responsible to maintain another’s emotions and feelings.  But I kept/keep in mind that in a relationship it’s not all about me there is another person involved who matters also.  So I have struggled with the two above noted things, but my second husband is truly my best friend, he used to be my brothers best friend when we were in high school, so he has known me and how I am most of our lives. But I still love to have my space and he finally learned it was never nothing personal about him, but just me being the true me and he can respect that now and gives my space which has made being married much easier.  

In my marriages I had 3 sons, and for as much as a loner that I am, I certainly did not mind loving, caring for and being affectionate to my boys always have and still have a heartfelt hug and “I love you” for them and I never felt suffocated by them when they were home like they were getting too much in my space, maybe their fathers did but not my sons.  Like I said before, I never gave much thought to marriage but the men I married, they were the only ones that moved me emotionally to the point of giving it a try and as for being a mom never realized just how much and unconditionally I could love another until I felt their first movements of life in my body and when I was called “mama”.  

Please know, you’re not a freak, when I went to marriage counseling during the last years of my first marriage they sure tried to make me feel like I was and that I needed to be “fixed” was told my independence and lack of need for romantic and sexual relationships was abnormal and that those who commit murder, molest children, hurt animals and are suicidal usually start out as loners and I had serious problems, and that so INFURIATED me !! I have never once in my life contemplated killing myself or another person or hurting another person or animal, anyone who gets off on children are twisted perverts who don’t deserve to live.  There are others out there like you and who understand you, does not mean we have “issues” being like we are.  
20797011 tn?1513634648
There's a lot more going on here than just your lack of interest in having a significant other.  You loathe people touching you or showing you affection, and even glare at them when they do so.  You use words like "hate" when it doesn't really seem fitting to a situation.  You grew tired of someone, broke up with them, and then hate then because you remain friendly?  Yeah, that's a little odd
Avatar universal
Anyone want a six year later update?  

I'm sorry, guys.  I can see, reading back on this... yikes. What a mess.  I definitely had problems relating to others, and definitely had problems understanding the want for "typical" social relationships.  However, I'm not sure who said it, but this was definitely a "shutting down" point for me.  And... admittedly some inflation of crappy personality traits I thought would save me from the world.  I cared about people then.  I do now.  I always have.   It was very much a defense thing.  I was going through some tough stuff that I now realize was all trauma and... I'm really sorry if I freaked anyone out.  There's no sense going into detail later, but I've been thinking about that "one post" I'd made here lately because I didn't want to be seen as a bad person... and for those who related, I'm sorry a lot of it was a front!  As long as you aren't harming anyone, though, you're fine.  One of my best friends has very little empathy, but he's still a great person with a few great friends and one of the sweetest relationships I've ever seen.  So, for those who are mistaken, there is a range in empathy. I always did have problems relating and connecting, and to some extent still do.  There was a ton of anxiety and trauma stuff under all those callouses, though... I think I knew that at the time.  Which is why it was easier to act like I hated everyone than admit I had some terrifying stuff to deal with.  You were all pretty nice, actually.  I can see why you got upset.  And why I did, of course... I wasn't as "emotionless" as I was trying to be. I got scared when everyone seemed to get freaked out.  Emotionally, I got stunted and was trying to navigate being scared, being super defensive, and having no idea how to start a conversation.  That ten month relationship was spent with someone who felt he was better than everyone... I think to an extent I was mirroring him and another person I knew because they never seemed bothered by what was happening and I was going through a lot at the time.

I've gotten help to see all this of course, but thank you all for helping me, too.  To be honest, therapy scared me. You guys suggesting it scared me.   I was always afraid of the few times in my life I've seemed to "shut down" and I was scared that it might just have been the "real" me.  Obviously it wasn't and isn't... and yes... I am still considered sarcastic, and a little standoffish, but I've learned to smile more and what's funny.... I hit way more of those Aspergers symptoms than I realized!  (Sensitivity to noises being one of them.  I actually found out I get irritated/overwhelmed by them pretty easy.). Well, that isn't my issues anyway.  They're all anxiety based.. go figure.  Thank you all for being patient and compassionate when I had obviously needed it most.  For those who were less so, it's okay too.  
Wow, I'm so glad you came back!!!!  I always wonder what happens to people.  You sound, overall, to be doing pretty well and I'm happy to hear that.  Don't be a stranger!
Avatar universal
There is nothing wrong with the way you feel.   I have avoided women and relationships for the last 9 years and my life has never been better.   Without anyone else to take care of, I may far more money than I need for a basic survival and use the excess on adventure vacations.   I've faced death on multiple occasions, done things I'd have never done had I a wife to drag along, and made friends with people I would never meet in the course of my business.   Whether or not I live a long life is not important.....my goal is to live every day as though it were my last.   When you overcome your primitive need for sex, it is amazing how differently you view women, especially in the workplace.
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