Aa
Im pregnant don't know what to do
I am currently 30 yrs old and have two kids. One that is 8 and one that is 5, I raise them on my own since their dad doesn't see them. A year ago i got into a relationship with what i thought was a great guy. Yes he doesn't drink smoke or cheat and is a great provider. But, he is emotionally abusive he goes days without talking to me. And his symptoms seem to be that of a bipolar type. He is two people great guy and such a a**hole. He does things to cause hurt and criticizes everything. Eveything has to depend on his mood.
Well I found out i am pregnant and i honestly don't see myself living with this guy. I am so confused, of course i would love for it to work out. This guy is a great dad and well that is a little comforting.
I have been thinking and thinking, whether to keep this child or not. I mean my kids are older more manageable, yet i don't want to do that. I feel that I am setting myself up to struggle. Then at the same time i feel that every child is a blessing with good purpose.
I am so confused.
Well I found out i am pregnant and i honestly don't see myself living with this guy. I am so confused, of course i would love for it to work out. This guy is a great dad and well that is a little comforting.
I have been thinking and thinking, whether to keep this child or not. I mean my kids are older more manageable, yet i don't want to do that. I feel that I am setting myself up to struggle. Then at the same time i feel that every child is a blessing with good purpose.
I am so confused.
Keep in mind, "tax time" is a one time a year thing. It is not a financial answer for the long term. It's at best a big boost, but a very short term thing.
Sitting and waiting for something to happen puts you in a horrible spot. You have to make things happen. You have to mindfully set realistic goals and set out after them. "Waiting" is an ambush technique and it is you that is being ambushed.... You have to go after the things you want!
(There is a chance you may hit the lottery... but if you sit and wait for that, you're prolonging your agony. It will be the same thing, every day. Sitting and waiting, looking at the numbers, and at the end of the day you need to go buy another lottery ticket.) In the mean time, if you spent as much time into planning, budgeting, working on making you who you want to be, you will see progress. Probably slow at first, but it is progress. Sitting and waiting is just that... sitting.
Again good luck to you, but this is all on you. Help is out there for you, but you need to go get it.
Sitting and waiting for something to happen puts you in a horrible spot. You have to make things happen. You have to mindfully set realistic goals and set out after them. "Waiting" is an ambush technique and it is you that is being ambushed.... You have to go after the things you want!
(There is a chance you may hit the lottery... but if you sit and wait for that, you're prolonging your agony. It will be the same thing, every day. Sitting and waiting, looking at the numbers, and at the end of the day you need to go buy another lottery ticket.) In the mean time, if you spent as much time into planning, budgeting, working on making you who you want to be, you will see progress. Probably slow at first, but it is progress. Sitting and waiting is just that... sitting.
Again good luck to you, but this is all on you. Help is out there for you, but you need to go get it.
I know i have so much to do. I have to gain so much courage and self esteem and acceptance. My kids go threw what i go threw and they are in a learning stage at their little age.
I honestly just wait for the day when i am ready. :-(
I honestly just wait for the day when i am ready. :-(
COMMUNITY LEADER
Like I said, you haven't left him and my gut tells me you won't. I think you have a lot of work to do to get life in order. You have kids to think about so do hope that at some point you make some changes.
Yes, you really need to see your counselor. You are bringing a new child into a world of instability let alone what your current kids are living in.
I'm not trying to be hard on you but you need to own your life-- take responsiblity for it and make some changes. good luck
Yes, you really need to see your counselor. You are bringing a new child into a world of instability let alone what your current kids are living in.
I'm not trying to be hard on you but you need to own your life-- take responsiblity for it and make some changes. good luck
One of the ways i have learned from all this is through acceptance. Meaning i have slowly and surely accepted that this man is who he is, and has those tendancies no matter what. I did subconsciously get pregnant, i didn't think it would happen though. That is why i am pretty much to the point where i need to keep this baby. Because i knew what i was doing.
I plan to have my tubes tied so that is a huge plus!
As far as picturing our relationship i don't see myself living with him for much longer. Of course i am prone to want it to work and i will try to have a bond for as long as i can stand it. Meaning through the course of my pregnancy. I am leaning on being on my own with my babies. I think he knows that will eventually happen.
Right now we are in good terms because his mood has shifted. But i see that he is sick. No matter what he is that way!
Special mom thank you for what you said in regards of my focus. On how i talk about my relationship. When i should be talking about what is best for my children and how i am going to make that happen. I will make it a point to shift my thoughts. I used to work alot on my codependency and knew about changing my thought process to discontinue my obsession. I am very much so considering going to my counselor. Financially its hard but i can find a way. I also am waiting until tax time that will relieve stress and open my options up.
I plan to have my tubes tied so that is a huge plus!
As far as picturing our relationship i don't see myself living with him for much longer. Of course i am prone to want it to work and i will try to have a bond for as long as i can stand it. Meaning through the course of my pregnancy. I am leaning on being on my own with my babies. I think he knows that will eventually happen.
Right now we are in good terms because his mood has shifted. But i see that he is sick. No matter what he is that way!
Special mom thank you for what you said in regards of my focus. On how i talk about my relationship. When i should be talking about what is best for my children and how i am going to make that happen. I will make it a point to shift my thoughts. I used to work alot on my codependency and knew about changing my thought process to discontinue my obsession. I am very much so considering going to my counselor. Financially its hard but i can find a way. I also am waiting until tax time that will relieve stress and open my options up.
Nobody is trying to bring you down. I really get the impression that you have not opened your mind to every option. From what I've read of your posts regarding this issue, adoption is completely off the table and you used the term "learn a lesson" about this pregnancy.
There are a lot more than 1 lesson to learn from an unexpected pregnancy. Unfortunately, what you think you might learn from this might very well, unexpectedly teach everyone else involved a lesson or two as well.
My only concern with this whole thing is, you've said you've wanted to distance yourself from this man and this situation. What has happened now is you've attached yourself to this guy for at least the next 19 years.... more emotional abuse for you and your kids until they can leave the nest.
If I were you, I would start doing everything I could to sock away money and all things baby if you are dead set on keeping this child. I would speak to a few advocacy groups and allow them to give you as much advice about making distance or best case scenario, an amicable split. There is plenty of help out there and a lot of real good sound advice here on this board. It is up to you to take it....
There are a lot more than 1 lesson to learn from an unexpected pregnancy. Unfortunately, what you think you might learn from this might very well, unexpectedly teach everyone else involved a lesson or two as well.
My only concern with this whole thing is, you've said you've wanted to distance yourself from this man and this situation. What has happened now is you've attached yourself to this guy for at least the next 19 years.... more emotional abuse for you and your kids until they can leave the nest.
If I were you, I would start doing everything I could to sock away money and all things baby if you are dead set on keeping this child. I would speak to a few advocacy groups and allow them to give you as much advice about making distance or best case scenario, an amicable split. There is plenty of help out there and a lot of real good sound advice here on this board. It is up to you to take it....
COMMUNITY LEADER
Honey, make SURE that life teaches you this lesson. No time for emotional outbursts or poor me---- you need to get your plans together on how you are going to raise this family alone. And sadly hon, no matter how much you think you can seperate from him ---- you have put him in a position to be 'around' forever. YOu made a kid with him and he has rights now to something in your life.
I agree with Brice that adoption is a really beautiful thing but can tell that you will not consider this. The only reason I worry is that you have your own emotional problems you have been working on and really just recently started making better choices for yourself. Continue on that path and remember-------- THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. Do what is in the best interest of these kids at ALL times. Create their first stable home they've ever really had (based on what you've shared with us is why I say that). That should be your number one priority.
Quit ruminating on your relationship with the guy. That is over (and should be). Now you forge a new relationship with him that only includes coparenting a child. That will be difficult for you I'm afraid. And I hope it doesn't become drama for all involved (especially baby).
Do you think you allowed yourself to get pregnant for some subconsious reason? I just ask that because I think you had mentioned you see a therapist. I'd talk about this with him/her.
Anyway, it doesn't even sound like he knows you are seperating and you still seem in limbo. This is not good. Your older kids are going to be very confused. You need to really get your life together and now! It won't be easy, but you CAN do it!
Peace and good luck.
I agree with Brice that adoption is a really beautiful thing but can tell that you will not consider this. The only reason I worry is that you have your own emotional problems you have been working on and really just recently started making better choices for yourself. Continue on that path and remember-------- THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. Do what is in the best interest of these kids at ALL times. Create their first stable home they've ever really had (based on what you've shared with us is why I say that). That should be your number one priority.
Quit ruminating on your relationship with the guy. That is over (and should be). Now you forge a new relationship with him that only includes coparenting a child. That will be difficult for you I'm afraid. And I hope it doesn't become drama for all involved (especially baby).
Do you think you allowed yourself to get pregnant for some subconsious reason? I just ask that because I think you had mentioned you see a therapist. I'd talk about this with him/her.
Anyway, it doesn't even sound like he knows you are seperating and you still seem in limbo. This is not good. Your older kids are going to be very confused. You need to really get your life together and now! It won't be easy, but you CAN do it!
Peace and good luck.
Well i know that i can take care of another child. Life would be harder but i can do it. I just know that once i meet this child i cannot give it up! So it's not an option for me. One reason why i don't want to chose the alternative is because i knew better. I just think i will let life teach me this lesson. I can't deny that i wanted a baby at first. But after so much abuse i started asking and telling myself. That this is how life is going to be with this man and how i don't want it. Then boom im pregnant...! All i ever hear is ... "you knew". And for that i feel more then responsible. It won't be a total bad thing i already have two and love them. But yes it's gonna be a challenge..but i don't need someone bringing me down the whole journey..
From the perspective of being adopted, I'd just like to say that there is nothing dishonorable about putting a baby up for adoption. Nothing. I respect your choice to keep the child, or whatever conclusion you come too, but I think it would be very wise to keep evaluating all of your options.
Your all right! I mean i knew he was emotionally abusive.. Rather i chose to accept it or not with the fantasy of him being "better". Treating me with respect and what not. I just thought he would change and i neglected to see what i now see. I haven't spoke to him for days and well it's fustrating to think that there is a huge chance he will be harsh through my whole pregnancy. My children are in the turmoil now as we speak. And you are very right brice1967 no matter how he tries to be civil with them and abusive to me. They still have that fear, the same fear i have, to disappoint him. We walk on eggshells for him to be happy so that we won't get hurt. I see my kids caught in this.
Honestly rather then to get overwhelmed i am deciding to just keep the baby. And seperate! I know that pregnant or not he is sick and is not getting help.
Honestly rather then to get overwhelmed i am deciding to just keep the baby. And seperate! I know that pregnant or not he is sick and is not getting help.
COMMUNITY LEADER
From your past posts, you'd already determined this man to be an unacceptable partner and yet you've just tied your life to his permanently. Ugh.
I a sorry to hear that adoption isn't an option because I think this will be a lot for you. I do realize it would be very hard to put a baby up for adoption especially when you have other kids that would really wonder about that.
I guess you will really need to not be scared and emotional right now and get down to business. If you don't want to be with the dad, make sure you are seperated right now. Then when the baby is born, you can petition for paternity and child support. Think in terms of what your needs will be when you have this baby---- child care, financial needs, support as you will have a lot on your plate. Make sure your job is stable and your home life is stable. Don't tell your kids until you are in your second trimester.
Okay, I really do wish you luck. I think it will be a long road---- your goal is to provide a safe, stable and happy life for your kids. Peace.
I a sorry to hear that adoption isn't an option because I think this will be a lot for you. I do realize it would be very hard to put a baby up for adoption especially when you have other kids that would really wonder about that.
I guess you will really need to not be scared and emotional right now and get down to business. If you don't want to be with the dad, make sure you are seperated right now. Then when the baby is born, you can petition for paternity and child support. Think in terms of what your needs will be when you have this baby---- child care, financial needs, support as you will have a lot on your plate. Make sure your job is stable and your home life is stable. Don't tell your kids until you are in your second trimester.
Okay, I really do wish you luck. I think it will be a long road---- your goal is to provide a safe, stable and happy life for your kids. Peace.
Honestly, you say this guy is a great dad but then you go on to say that he is "emotionally abusive". I don't know what level of emotional abuse you'll excuse, but I can tell you from experience that this abuse... even if only directed towards you, is very well received by your children. There will be repercussions down the road from this abuse, even if it isn't directed at them.
You've been commenting on this guy for a while, and each time you do there is absolutely no improvement.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm more sorry if you keep subjecting yourself and kids to this emotional abuse. I wish you well.
You've been commenting on this guy for a while, and each time you do there is absolutely no improvement.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm more sorry if you keep subjecting yourself and kids to this emotional abuse. I wish you well.
I in all reality am very responsible for this. I played with fire and got burned. I don't want to throw it away. Adoption is not a choice for me i just couldn't do it. I am leaning towards keeping it.
As far as he goes well i don't want to stay with him and put up with it. I don't have too. Id rather be happy! Eventhough i am pregnant....! I am scared of my parents.. Oh so scared!...
Yet i do have lots of emotions going....
As far as he goes well i don't want to stay with him and put up with it. I don't have too. Id rather be happy! Eventhough i am pregnant....! I am scared of my parents.. Oh so scared!...
Yet i do have lots of emotions going....
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh no. I so wish we had remembered that getting pregnant wasn't a great thing while with a guy that you've known for a while wasn't emotionally stable. Rats!!!
Oh well, what do you do today? This is a conundrum. Could adoption be an option for you????
I'm sure you have many emotions and am sorry that this has happened to further complicate life. I do so hope it all works out for you dear. Peace
Oh well, what do you do today? This is a conundrum. Could adoption be an option for you????
I'm sure you have many emotions and am sorry that this has happened to further complicate life. I do so hope it all works out for you dear. Peace
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