Living with the in laws is making me depressed

[hardkaur]

I have been married for 10 months now. During the several years that my husband and I were dating, we had always discussed moving out and establishing a home of our own, but he wanted me to live with his parents for a year first, as it is part of the culture, and so I agreed.

Six months into the marriage I began talking about moving out within the years time, and he would just ignore me or brush the subject off. Months later he said he didn't want to move out of his parents house, and wanted us to live with them forever and start a family there. He felt it was his "turn to take care of them" because he had had such a good childhood, and his parents had taken care of him his whole life. His mother did everything for him before we got married, from making his meals, to washing his clothes, and such. I  told him that I refuse to live with his parents because of how bad my relationship has become with my mother in law and also with my husband. My father in law is pretty neutral in all this. My relationship with my husband has suffered BIG TIME, sexually, emotionally, and mentally. We don't have a lot of privacy at all, there is one tv, and we all share one bathroom. My mother in law doesn't work so she is always at home. Whenever I try to talk to my husband about these issues he gets upset with me. He says to let him tell his parents "with his own time" about us moving out, and he also says that he hates looking for houses and that he doesn't know how long its going to take for him to even like being moved out with me, even though this is what we had planned since day one.

I'm really sad about all this, and am hoping he will own up to his promise, but it is affecting my feelings now, and I'm starting to emotionally detach myself without even trying. I try to talk to him about this but he just gets upset with me and then he's so distant for a few days, and it makes it really hard for me to even gather the courage to talk to him about this. Any suggestions, or is anyone going through the same thing???

[mags1623]

i completely understand what you are going through it's a typical mama boy not wanting to detach the umbilical cord. well you have to put you big girl pants on and show them (husband and mother in law) who is boss. Honestly look back and remember why you and your husband connected; use that to sway him back to reality. Then you need to make a statement about you living in the house you need to demand that you live there too. take over an entire common room and redecorate it to your liking; your mother in law will get really upset good point taken. why do you have to suffer wake everyone up you are there and you are alive too shake it up sister.

[Fritts6753]

Oh honey, you do not know what hell is. Try 40 yrs. of a in law, and as the in law gets older the worse they become. My advise to anyone insisting to take in a parent or in law, answer  is NO in laws at all!!! I am sorry who is stuck in this deal. Why do I say this, well try over 40 years living with one of your in laws. I been in this and feel abandon from my marriage. The last 10 years has been the worst. My in law does not understand bounties, in our area talking about stupid things all the time. I talked to my husband about when is it going to be our time. I can count on one
hand our time alone and living free. We have help all the members of his family, his kind heart has broken my many times. Last time was our son needed money for a house. I was not happy about this, but gave in to loan. I love my husband dearly but his father has to go. Advise to anyone thinking about taking in a in law. Think about
your wife or husband in this living condition. You have no idea how long. People are worried about a nursing home well I tell you I worked in one. They care dearly for your parents!! Just visit them one a month, they will make friends, have fun, play games. Do you know you will have your freedom. Learn to let go people a kind heart is not worth the continuing rudeness, forgetfulness, pills, and complaining by them when do not get their own way. As they get older they are worse than children.  Don't forget your freedom you can flush that down the toilet and your friends (do not have any at all because of caretaking of in law.) Think again and don't take your parents in!!!!!

[AnnieBrooke]

Fritts, ask your husband "When is it going to be our time?" again and again, and remind him that after all these years the two of your cannot be guaranteed endless more in which to be alone together and have a good time. Ask him again, it sounds like you have done your duty and then some.

[specialmom]

Hi Fritts, thanks so much for sharing.  It's never too late to make a change in your life.  We're here to talk about it with you.

[Paandupura]

Even I'm in dat same suituation but in my case my husband isn't even my side he is telling that he will leave me but not his family..he isn't even thinking about his life he wants Oly his family's life...so u be patient and wait till ur husband changes..

[Katejake]

Thanks specialmom..when neck deep in an issue, perspective is lost.
Thanks for  validating my questions.

Husband has been spoken to many.many times.in fact after all the ruckus, in laws are saying they will.move out.
Am.not sure they will until it happens. Post this, husband is accusing me of spoiling his relationship with his parents.

Really doubting this relationship with husband.
I am.really done being the villain.
Maybe I need to be in the interest of my small family.
But its clear that husband fails to understand me.
I did not express to him these issues for 2 years cos dint want to add.to.more issues..there have been horrible spats between son and father due to latters pathetic attutude.He fights with everyone in the world.

[AnnieBrooke]

Where are you? It sounds like you are in India. Are you concerned that if you divorce, you will not get custody of your child?

[Katejake]

I have an abusive fil, who has taunted me on the salary i take, to the mother and wife i am, to being called arrogant, accusing my father,influencing mil that I year het like a maid.
All this cos I work,earn.He has a problem cos according to him I am a girl and still earn but he being a man he can't.
I doubt even understand it cos he is 70+ now.He raised his 2 sons why does he need to prove anything and that too by comparing to me?
Most women work today.how am I making him insecure?
I work full time.inlaws take care of my kid well.their younger son left the house without taking any responsibility of taking care of them and.hence they are depressed.

My Freedom has been restricted largely.right from what I wear to when I go to my parents for a visit.
Fil says am like a daughter.who treats his daughter like this?
Mil was nice when I kept my mouth shut.
She is witness to all the **** I am told by fil.her first reaction is denial. Then emotional.drama.
She has managed her husband all her life and expects me to put up with his abuses
too.
Recently my kid asked me " what do you do for me? Grandma does everything. You fornt even cook."
He is 5 years old.
My heart broke into a million peices.
They refuse to keep a maid.I dint know cooking earlier.now I do.but I can't stand them so dont cook.
Fil and husband both have complained to my father about my cooking inabilities.
My husband is a puppet. He doesn't want me to quit.I earn.almost as much as him but wants me.to ignore issues cos he has responsibilities to his parent.
Have spoken to him umpteen times.
I tried harming myself.more than once.
My parents.also intervened and told husband to stay separate from in laws.He says yes but backs out every time.
I continue to be at their house only cos of my kid and to try to not cause more issues.btw I ran out  4 times and came back everytime for my kid who cant be without me.

I cant take.it any more.chest pain due to.stress.
I think being with such a man is not worth it.
Should.I divorce??
Should I.move out??

[specialmom]

Your father in law does sound unreasonable and a little sick.  But what support do you get from your husband?  Why is he not standing up for you or minimizing his parent's in your lives?  I think I would tell your husband that his loyalty is to you first, to your children first (who need a sane mother!) and his parents second.  So, living with them, not happening anymore.  And then begin looking for a place.  I don't know what country you are in but financially, you sound like you are in a good position to look for a place.  And encourage your husband to come with you.  Then he can be with his parents by visiting without subjecting you to them on a regular basis.  Is this possible?

If you leave your husband, can you have custody of your children?  That's key otherwise I would definitely do whatever is necessary for your kids to be with them.  And what about, also, tuning them out.  Why give them this power over you? Who cares what he says.  He doesn't touch you.  He doesn't own you.  He's nobody really.  Ignore him.  Tune him out.  Just smile and say "okay" but in your head say "be quiet old man, you know nothing".  

these are just ideas.  But if you have harmed yourself in the past over this, you do need to take action. And hopefully your husband will follow you and stay with you.  Let us know how this goes.

[Smooksin]

Im a husband and i work on a 2 weeks work and 2 weeks off roaster. My in laws are staying with my family to take care of my two children because during my work days im totally away from home and my wife is working too. FIL always get moody when im at home. Sometimes hes reluctant to talk to me or even to look at me. I cant do anything at home without thinking is this going to **** him off. Its been going for 4 years since we moved to our own house. Sometimes i just stay in my room all day playing with my smartphone. Im very depressed right now. I even go out binge drinking all night sometimes.i cant even focus on my parenting skill because when i teach my children something my in laws will call my children telling them in a way like its okay if you dont listen to your father. Sometimes my children are staying away from me because they know they have their grandparents here. I dont want my children to become spoilt but thats actually happening. Ive talked to my wife about this but we have no solution because she still wants her parents to take care of our children. I just dont know who else to tell about my problem. My house is a mess. Im not gonna confront him for now because i need to convince my wife the find another way to take care of our children. My head keep screaming oh please God help me! I can feel its like a stab in my chest right now. My advice is if you wanna solve it with patience make sure you have a true honest patience. Dont be like me. Its my house im supposed to take control!

[specialmom]

I'm really sorry this is going on and you are feeling this way.  I do want to point out that you'll get more responses if you start your own thread as you tagged your situation on to a very old thread.

But I feel badly that this situation has transpired this way.  Honestly, probably hard to rock the boat but if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work.  Can you ask for them to find their own living arrangements?  would your wife support you in this?  They can still be close to their grandparents without you feeling like they own your house or have invaded your home to the point you have to hide out.  

You need to make it clear to your in laws that YOU are the parent and you will not be undermined.  But I do know it's hard.  My husband travels.  He comes home expecting to be immediately a part of things when he hadn't been for a few days.  I had to work myself to make sure he was respected and the expectation was that he's the dad, he's a boss just like mom who is around all the time.  It's natural to drift from that.  And my husband verbalized he felt like an outsider when he got home. So, talk to your wife too.  

let us know how you are doing!

[Dollyarpitha]

I feel frustrated to dress up differently jus cos thy r around.i want my freedom to wear what I like.my husband always keeps taunting me tat I'm a housewife and he s the earner.he din let me to even keep a maid .he expects me to do seva to him n to his parents.m brought up in a house whr daughter in law s given al the freedom n I assumed all mother in laws Wil b lik my mom.my husband even comments on my family members n make fun of them. I can never listen anythin against them.so I warned him initially but wen his behaviour continued I did the same Abou his family.for tat he gets angry .I think I did the biggest mistake marrying him .it was love n arranged marriage

[Dollyarpitha]

My husband had told me that his parents r not dependent on him n even he s not dependent on them before marriage.his mom seemed really sweet in the beginning.but she started affecting our privacy.she continuously asked me to share pics durin our honeymoon including pics of the room v stayed .she daily kept on askin me for pics of food I prepared or whr Eve v went she wanted to c our pic.now its been 5months of marriage and my husband s planning to move them in with us as his dad will b retiring in two yrs .his mom s very annoying .even my husband expects me to act differently wen thy r around us lik a typical bahu.

[Neysanswer]

Like.for.example.me and my hubby shower.together all the time and he went and.told my mom in law we was showering together and she said so what there married and then he went to my work place we work at the same place and told them about it and said why would they do that in me and his mother's house lol really it mad him sound sick cause everyone ask me why would he being saying anything about that ...and everytime we help with something there all we hear is this is our house from him I think its time to go but my hubby wont

[Neysanswer]

I been going through this for 10 years it will never change and and.gets worse only I dont have issues with my mom in law my father in law is the one.that always starts.stuff my husband will never live with me and his son on his own with his ex wife he did but not me and we been together 16 years I gave up on it I feel hopeless cause no matter what I say there always a fight so I.just stay quiet

[mokshada]

I am also going through same situation since last 4 years.I don't want in laws in my home.my mother in law is like *****.I am in big depression. In laws not ready to move from my house. This flat belong to my husband and myself. I did not see any option ahead. Even I can't suicide as I have a kid. I thought to get separate from my husband that's only option is left now.

[Dollyarpitha]

suicide s not the option.if u die thy Wil get him a new wife.v should think of our parents too who love us more.i feel the same Abou my mom in law.m helpless too

[mepositive]

I see how tough the situation is. You have to talk with him. He cannot avoid talking about things he does not want to address. I have been going through similar challenges. My husband had told me before marriage that at some point he would like his parents to move in, because he feels he should take care of them in their old age. Only I had not realised it would be 4 years into the marriage. Added to this the family dynamics are crazy. Within a week of our honeymoon my MIL decided to come over to our place (different city). Later I realised that she was angry with my father in law and this was her way of making a statement and teaching him a lesson. She told us, she has had enough of him and was not going to return to my father in law. Thats the first time I realised how selfish she was. The first three months of my married life was spent with my MIL in the house. Any ways she went back but she and my FIL have regular ego wars. We were saved because of the distance but now no longer. My FIL has had a surgery and my husband wants them to move in. My MIL has been wanting to move in with us forever. She wants to move in and wants to have things her own way. She wants to move in 'all' her stuff including furniture and electronics, with complete disregard to what I want. My FIL's solution is we move to a bigger house, to accommodate their things (even though the current space is enough for 4 people). Its not only my space but the household management that I must give up. My inlaws are currently visiting us for a couple of months. The first thing my MIL said when we sat down for dinner was, -you leave the kitchen to me, I will see everything. I told her that is not possible. But over time even though I tried to spell out boundaries about what was not acceptable to me, she just refused to respect them. It resulted in me being annoyed, resentful, and snapping at her. Her response was sulking, dramatic breakdowns, refusing to eat. What I have realised is that as a person she is selfish, lacks empathy, does not care about desires of others and must have what she wants. Since she can't change I have to.  If I refuse or resist there is  much negativity, on both our sides. This negativity and constant stress has made me realise that I value peace of mind over how I decorate my house or control over the kitchen matters. So now I dont try to assert that things should be done my way. She is only about 50. So its almost half my lifetime that I will have to live with her. I hope I can cope.

[specialmom]

It's so difficult when different cultures and belief systems dictate our choices.

sounds like you have a good plan to TRY to make this work.  Let us know how it goes!!

[Noni95]

I Don't want to live with my MIF because she is trying to separate me and my husband and creating problems inbetween us she hates that If my husband spends time with me ...i love him a lot really fedup with this issue she is controlling us...What should i do now??

[Luv4G]

My situation is similar. When I married my husband I didn't realize I was going to marry his whole family. Which are always involved.Thankfuly I am still married to my husband. We hold lots of patience for each other.

[Abby1126]

My husband and I live at my mother in laws house. She is a widow. And she has been telling my husband that he will have the house eventually.. but its hard. Coz its her house. Her rules. I just had a baby and he is now 4 months old. I went through post partum depression and this whole living situation is making me depressed. Like i cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like she hates me. She doesnt believe anything i say. She ignores when i explain things. I hear her talking on the phone about me. Im going crazy already. I try and try to be nice and thankful that we have her helping us out but in reality i really really want to move out and have our own house.

[Bm88]

I am going through the exact same situation. I have ever been living with my in laws for 4 years now. My husband doesn't want to move out. With 2 kids, I always tell my husband we need our own privacy! My mom in law hates me. When I make my husband dinner, she literally stands around looking at what items I use only to tell me not to use her belongings. Can't take it anymore...

[Megannicole89]

I know exactly where your coming from..I've lived with my in laws off an on for almost eight years because rent is so expensive where we live and my depression has gotten worse because of it..we have four kids 6,4,2 and 1 year old..we get undermined left and right..we all have to sleep in one room and we always have to do all the house work along with taking care of our kids..I always end up cleaning up after his mom dad and two brothers cause if we don't no one will and it starts looking like a disaster in 20 mins..I've been sexually harassed several times by his step dad..trying to get me drunk or high,looking up my skirts, asking to see my boobs, tubing against me sexually, talking sexually..asking weird personal questions..I've been attacked more then once by his mom and other family members..our kids act horrible when their around and at least one if them is always around..not to mention we supply most of the food and also cook it along with all the house work and they leave all their dishes all over the end tables and leave trash everywhere for our one year old to get into..just a bunch of horrible things..I've lost pets and cars because if them..out truck is messed up an he can't get a job until it gets fixed and his brother promised to fix it months n months ago..still not fixed..I know what ur going through an it deff *****

[chiefgoddess]

I can feel all of you here. Same situation

[2016mommy2be]

I feel you im going through the exact same thing we were supposed to move out a couple months ago it never happened i feel im losing it we now have two kids a 2yr old and a 4month old idk what to do

[CarolinaHinojosa13]

I know how you feel.I moved out as soon as i graduated. At first I thought it was going to be great only because I'm going to live with him but not only with him but with his family. We live in a apartment with only two rooms and we all share one
bathroom. I lived for almost 5 months and it's getting worse. His sister and his brother never help out to clean or pick up themselves and they're a already big! My boyfriend and I are always picking up and clean. Yet the worst part, his parents never appreciate it. Nobody has no consideration. Everyday i get miserable and unhappy. It has affected us terrible in our relationship. That's why we're hoping to move out in a month or two.

[cluelessgender]

I am too going through same issue.I have been married for 2.5 years now also am 2 months pregnant too.The way they live is very different,I dislike their many habits like cleanliness routine is not good,entire day they want to sit in darkness with curtains,windows and doors closed the house doesn't have any ventilation.They want to sit with lights on in the day and switch it off as the evening starts all this makes me very depressed.At my mother's place I use to feel very energetic but here I feel very de motivated my interest level in house chores is less I don't feel like moving out of my room but my husband too works from home and he too likes to work in cozy dark room occupying our bedroom there no private space here,feels like ending my life.I have discussed about all my issues to my husband but he is not able to leave his parents specially his mother as she has sacrificed a lot for his studies and he thinks he wants to take care of them now.I don't say to shift in different city or far off location I too want to stay close by where we are a call away but my husband wants to buy two flats together on same floor where the kitchen area is same.I am totally against it and don't feel like sharing my life space with them any more.In anger I even confronted my mil and she reacted in very typical Indian mil where she is feeling that am taking away her son.How Do I explain her that it's time that we should maintain distance for healthy relationships and not force each other to be together

[Choongirl]

I have never lived with inlaws the three years I've been married, until now. It is hell. We are staying here until we get our own house, which he promises will be before christmas. But i don't see any progress happening. I have an 18 month old baby and the idiotic advice has been pouring in. I get no help with her and I have to do chores also. Since no one wants to watch her more than five minutes, I have to do my work when she is sleeping. Meaning I get no rest all day and when she is asleep at night I have wash the dinner dishes and clean up the kitchen for the morning. And when I do go to bed the b*tch opens the door and checks up on me. We have to give them money for groceries and then we still have to buy diapers, milk, nestum and other baby stuff. Plus give her money to put gas in the car. I can't even wear the clothes I want. If I want to go out I have to tell her before I go and she asks me all these questions. I hate her. Everything I do is wrong. My husband use to help with the baby but he doesn't anymore, it all falls on me. He has even started drinking. Very sad over here.

[Trappedwife]

I wonder if you resolved your situation. Im the same way and I have fallen into depression. Husband said he cant leave hos parents to fend for themselves, so he is making us stay with them. We were supposed to have our own place but he keeps delaying it by spending all the money on them. My mil is fking annoying. She woukd often threaten my husband that shes going to die and we cant come to the funeral. I'm so stressed of this bs and dont know what to do. We are asians so you know how family can be.

[Shernandez9]

I'm in the same boat and yesterday me and my husband had an argument that escalated to me balling my eyes out and asking him to move out at that moment... I think that's when he realized I was hurting the more we stay here, so he promised we'd start the house buying process

[Trappedwife]

You are lucky that he promised to look for a house. For me, things got worse. We fight all the time and he said i have to treat his parents the same way i treat mine. It's impossible when they are so difficult and mean. I feel like i'm losing control of my life and I'm slowly dying in that house. I haven't officially moved in yet and i don't want to. I feel like life is over after this. the options i have now are either stay married and live there or divorce.

[Narrewarren]

Can i give you a hug? I feel the same way! And I thought I was just being selfish all this time. :( How do I pursue my freedom without looking like a total B*tch :(

[chiefgoddess]

Can I join the hug too??? I've been living with my in laws for 3years now and I'm starting to resent my mother in law. I've been wanting to get out but my husband isn't doing anything!!!!! Makes me want to leave him but I can't we already have 1child and I seriously want out own place before things get worse

[rudhss]

I m three month pregnant going through same thing and I m going crazy

[SarahO01]

Move out before you have kids. Let your husband deal with it. If he truely loves you he'll honor his promise ^_-. I'm an Irish lady married to a Korean. Love his mum but as you can imagine an Irish woman and patriarical father in law don't mix.