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Loss of sensitivity during sex - how do we talk about it?

We have six kids, so there is the reason. I hope that is not insensitive. Now that I have that out of the way, I want her to know the issue without hurting her feelings. She started the “ben wa balls” on her own, which I was very excited about, but then she gave up. I felt bad saying she should keep trying. I also found something called Viveve that looks very promising.

I want to talk to her about these options, but I do not want to hurt her feelings. I know I would feel bad if she said I was small.
3 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
When you say that your wife has "lost sensitivity," what do you mean, that sex is not giving her orgasms? If so, is the problem that she doesn't want to have sex as much and this is negatively impacting your sex life with her? Or are you saying that you just want her to have pleasure?

If she is content to have sex with you whether or not it is as exciting for her as it was before she had six kids, stop with the suggestions and the props and simply have sex. If you "helpfully" suggest things to her like ben wa balls and Viveve and saying she should "keep trying," you'll just make her feel like you think she is deficient. I am serious about the shutting up with the comments. Taking care of six kids is exhausting. On top of that, let's say you were she and she was you, and she came at you with penis enlargers and creams and pills and said "keep trying"? You'd feel like she was saying you were a loser.

If the problem is that she has lost interest in sex entirely, then you guys have some considering to do. Is she willing to do things to please you even if they don't mean a lot to her except that she wants you to be satisfied? Try hand jobs and other ways that don't involve the vagina and excessive effort. (Would you be willing to accept that substitution?)

If you think the problem is that your wife is simply run off her feet by the challenges of taking care of so many kids, and the last thing she needs or wants is another obligation for which she doesn't have time or the impulse, you two might have to talk with a counselor to decide where you two can make some accomodations. In her heart every wife (even one totally emotionally drained by her life) knows she should have sex with her husband if she wants to keep him happy. She knows this even if sex has lost its meaning for her, or has been pushed to the way back of the list of obligations. So decide if the problem is emotional and/or simply exhaustion, and decide what could help. I once suggested to a guy who wanted more sex with his wife that he should come home every day for a week, take care of the kids, clean the kitchen, start dinner, and make sure the kids' rooms were clean, their clothes were ready for school the next day (and their homework), and the laundry was going. He said "I don't want sex THAT much," which made me laugh.  If my husband would even act like he knows such things exist, and was sympathetic to and with me on the need to make them happen, I'd be a much hornier wife.

Good luck! I don't think it's really a matter of pills and creams and devices.

2 Comments
Annie, it was not easy for me to ask a question in here. I am having a hard time expressing myself in a public forum. Some times I think when guys post something in these types of forums, there is the assumption that we are only out for ourselves. Believe it or not, we are 50/50 with the kids, cleaning, cooking, and activity pickups or drop-offs. Why would you assume, my wife takes care of everything?

She has been losing weight, which has increased our sex, and I always aim to give her three big O’s or more every time. I am a lot less selfish than when I was in my 20’s, so we are good in that department.

The problem is that things are not as firm as they use to be. So it seems that your stands is to shut up with the comments.
Well, that would not be the only thing I would suggest. But in a similar situation I do think it would hurt my feelings if my husband came at me with a lot of remedies that suggested I have a problem and that he wishes I'd solve it. I'm glad you say you're not one of those guys who is only out for himself, that alone will go far to help in this situation.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hello!  Lots of long term couples have to work through sexual situations as the relationship goes along in years.  Six kids is a lot of kiddos and I do want to point out that with just two, I was (am) frequently tired and not always feeling sexy. Life does change in that way.  We also can have changes in hormones that will affect things like lubrication.  

Since you say she had six births, I am going to just cut to the chase. Is the loss of sensitivity yours due to your perception she has stretched out?  I looked up viveve and the concept of the ben wa balls and am wondering if that is what you meant.  Clarify that and remember, we're anonymous here.  So, we're just here to help and you can talk openly.  

Some women do lose elasticity of the vagina.  We're supposed to do kegal exercises to help with this.  Heck, men should do them too and strengthen their pelvic floor as well and  you could say let's both do it or something.

I understand it is  sensitive subject. The most important thing for her to really come away with is that you love her and desire her.  Clarify the issue and we'll go from there.  
4 Comments
Thank you for being sensitive to my question. It was not comfortable to ask. Yes, the issue is with elasticity. I like your idea of suggesting both of us doing it. I did not know it is for guys also, so I am totally in for trying that. Everything else is great. I just do not ever want to make her feel bad, which is why I am asking for advice.
I understand.  Giving birth does a number on us but even just hormones and age does as well.  Sometimes women 'suspect' this is going on but it is probably hard to hear.  I would say you were reading about kegel exercises and you think it would be good for both of you to try.  Here is an article to read for women: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/womens-health/in-depth/kegel-exercises/art-20045283.  She  might have other little issues that women who have given birth naturally have like leaking a bit of urine if she sneezes or coughs.  Sigh, wonderful, right?  There is yoga for pelvic floor as well.  You could find some of this type of exercise to do probably on youtube and offer to do that together as well.  This article is written for men regarding kegel exercises. https://www.webmd.com/urinary-incontinence-oab/kegel-exercises-treating-male-urinary-incontinence#1  It's a place to start, right?  And you'd do it together.

I think the biggest thing is to not make her self conscious about it. So, try to spin it like "hey, I want you to feel really good during intercourse".  And oral sex and hand help is also an option for you to make sure is incorporated into the routine.

I found this, it's a whole yoga page dedicated to vaginal elasticity.https://www.yogawiz.com/blog/home-remedies/remedies-tighten-vaginal-muscles-causes-low-elasticity.html

If she has any other symptoms, you are good to know that she KNOWS and would probably like to relieve that issue.  (like the leaking of urine occasionally).  Her gynecologist can help her!
She told me that no women like to give or receive oral. Sadly that is my favorite thing to do. It has been 22 years since I have done that.  I like everything. My only rule is to not fart during sex. Sorry, but it is weird, and if it smells, that is worse.

I would keep going with the no feeling, but then I stress about her wondering when I am going to finish. I can't be the only guy out here thinking this.

I am sure you are not alone.  It's one of those uncomfortable subjects that women don't like to talk about but real.  And it happens.  Age, child birth, etc. all impact it.  They do vaginal rejuvenation procedures.  This is not just for male pleasure but for women to have more sensation as well.  And I get where you are coming from not wanting to hurt her but also wanting your sex life to be better.  You sound pretty sensitive to your wife to me.  You know her best. How do you think she'd react?  

I will say that I don't like her comment regarding oral sex.  If you enjoy it, it should be something that happens occasionally whether it is her first love sexually or not.  That's just my opinion though.  Unless it is just so awful for her she cant' get through it . . . for some odd reason. But otherwise, you know, this stuff is give and take.  Not every woman loves anal sex and if it hurts them, then I say they shouldn't have it. But oral is different.  Maybe revisit it.  There is also the idea of baby oil or lube and her hand for you.  Not trying to get personal but being creative helps everyone.

Try the conversation of both of you doing kegel exercises because you read about it and then let me know how you think she'd handle the idea of vaginal rejuvenation or the product you mentioned.  You could get some information and just start a casual conversation about it. But keep reiterating that you love her and you want a great sex life with her.  
Avatar universal
I just wanted to say thank you for the responses I have had to my question. I am glad I asked because I feel like I really would have gone the wrong direction on this one. I appreciate the various point of view.
2 Comments
I think starting first and foremost with you love her body, and you love how it looks, feels, tastes, and you just want both of you to have great sex is a great idea. Keep stressing that.

Gently - very gently - ask her why she doesn't like oral sex. The women I know that don't like it are usually self conscious about something - the way they look, smell, something, or they've had a man do something they don't like so they have bad associations with it.

Obviously, there are some that just don't like it, but find out why.

And farting during sex - yeah, that happens. Maybe she's afraid she'll fart and you'll stop.

In any case, good luck, and I hope it all works out for you.
Oops - start out with saying that you love her body...

I forgot the "saying" part lol.
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