Lost

[Amberinmd]

Hi all!  I have a fiance who is divorced with a 4 yr old son.  Over the course of my time with my fiance, our relationship has remained strong and we have a great bond.  His family, however, has done everything in their power to ruin what we have.  I fault my fiance and his ex for providing the grandmother with too much time with the grandchild and now grandma can't seem to distinguish that she's just a grandmother and not the mother of this child.  Since I came along, my fiance has turned things around and really taken a part in his son's life.  Grandma and her husband (my future in-laws) have been criticizing my fiance telling him he's not a good father and they'll be blaming all of the changes he's tried to make for his son on me.  Things got really ugly the other night and it has come to the point where words were exchanged and I want nothing to do with them.  They have had contact with the ex-wife behind our back as well and have now brainwashed her into thinking we're making bad decisions for the child.  I have no idea how this can work from here....if it can work....and how to make it work!  Help!

[Amberinmd]

Thank you for all of your wonderful advice!  As of last night, his ex stirred the pot once again and asked that I not be as involved in the son's life and he made contact with his mother, of whom said if she never sees me again, that's quite fine with her.  I told my fiance that I was done with being involved in any of the decisions for his son and that we could just go back to dating each other until the mess was straightened out.  He told me he would like a "break" from me to figure it all out.  I would say the writing is on the wall here that he can't stick up for me on anything and that he's the type that when the going gets tough, he runs.  Needless to say, I have decided that ending this is in the best interest of myself this time.  Finally, I've done one thing for myself throughout this whole mess!  It's really sad for the child though that he'll go right back to the crazy mess they had him in in the first place!  Thanks again!

[babypooh]

That is so ridiculous and childish of them. You have a right to be upset. Would you be willing to meet with both of them and your fiance to bring everything out in the open? That might help, if all of you remain civil and talk about things. Either way, you need your fiance to step up. Good luck.

[Amberinmd]

Babypooh,

My fiance's parents didn't like the 1st wife at all.  She was pregnant before marriage and they pushed the two to get married.  The ex wife isn't on the best of terms and it appears at this time that she's formed an alliance with my fiance's mother! She isn't very interested in spending time with the child, so the grandmother is an anytime babysitter for her.  So, basically at this point they both have a common enemy - me. I'm just at my wits end with how much more I can take!

[babypooh]

Wow, what a mess! Such a shame that things can be this bad with your in-laws before you get married. I don't know what kind of "bad decisions" they're talking about, but your fiance needs to talk with them and be firm. He needs to tell him that he won't tolerate these things being said behind his back and that they need to back off a bit. He needs to tell them that keeping the peace is more important than starting rumors or even spreading gossip, true or not.  If that doesn't work, then he can tell them that he's going to distance himself from them because it's not a peaceful environment for him or his child. Maybe they're just still hurt over the divorce. In-laws sometimes get too attached to the first wife, depending on the reasons for the divorce. If they disrespect you, be firm in defending yourself, but remain calm and respectful yourself so that they don't have anything against you. Perhaps your fiance can speak with his ex wife and suggest that she limits the number of visits to the grandmother and he can explain why. Are your fiance and his ex in good terms? Good luck with everything.