Lost!

[K1990]

So I'm sure most of you who will read this have followed my posts... and I know there will be some interesting comments on this but I need some input!  I have a really good friend that I have known for 5 years and have had feelings for, for that long.  He was my first pretty much everything and we have always been close.  He left 2 1/2 years ago for Iraq with the army and I finally got to see him for the first time since this last week.  Well no surpise but the feelings are still there... the attraction is still there and if anything else the feelings have grown.  My heart was racing and my stomach had butterflies the second I saw him again...  My faince and I have been having issues on and off for a year and the last 2 weeks have been hell!  Things already weren't going so well when my friend got here.  Well there is a group of friends that have been friends since high school and we get together a lot (im the only girl in the group).  Well this friend from Iraq is part of it and my fiance and I are both part of this group both individualy and together so it's complicated.  Well while my friend was here things happened and I couldn't stop the attraction and my fiance and I were yelling at eachother and i was just not happy!  My friend and I started out just making out... then we ended up having sex.  The horrible thing is I feel so bad about doing it but I know that if it were to happen again I would allow it!  The next night my friend and I talked a lot and he kept kissing me and I never stopped any of it.  I love my fiance so much and that is why I can't tell him and that is why I can't seem to leave him.  I have tried but then he brings up the baby and brings up everythign we have been through and I can't get myself to walk away.  I live with him, have 2 dogs with him... how can i just leave all of that and not worry about it?  He means so much to me but I am not happy more often than I am!  I have talked everything over with my friend and he actually just went back to where he is based a few days ago.  He wants to be with me but right now we can't be because our friends will get upset and feel bad for my fiance.  We could wait a few months and then date and everything would be okay.  I can't just up and leave him, he did nothing wrong!  My feelings and emotions are all over the place and I have no idea what to think!

[alaysha]

K-

I honestly think that you should call the relationship quits. I don't believe that you are in love with him although I do believe you love him. Please don't get upset but if you really loved him you wouldn't feel the way you do all the time and you wouldn't be so unhappy. I think the reason for staying with him and trying to work it out is for the security that the relationship provides. People who love and honor their spouse don't cheat and I believe that if he was really "the one" for you that you wouldn't have these feelings.

I've been in your position before girlie and I can tell you it isn't easy. Not one bit. But if you have the strength and the courage to leave and make your own life I promise you that in the long run you will be happy. I thought that I could never live without my ex and I was SO wrong. Now I can't imagine being with him because I felt to confined and trapped. I want someone who makes me breathless and weak at the knees, who's kisses are the sweetest thing I've ever tasted and who I want to be with almost every second when we're apart. I want that person that I think about first thing in the morning and lastly before I fall asleep. Please don't settle for anything less then that either.

Also to those of you that think K1990 has a personality disorder she doesn't. What she has is called being YOUNG. I think we've all been there. Heck sometimes I'm still there!

***HUGS*** everything will be ok

[K1990]

Mami and teko~  Thank you both for ur support, I really appreciate it.

BabyPooh~  You know that I always appreciate your help and wisdom!  Thank you agian though.

Everything is now all out in the open and we are moving on from there and what happens from here on out is what is supposed to happen and hopfully it is for the better.

[babypooh]

K1990 has already confessed and is in the process of trying to work things out.

[noaaiona]

listen, people have been together for twenty plus years and gotten a divorce. You've only invested (if that's what you want to call it) 2.5 years. Yes, I said "ONLY" 2.5 years. Better to get out of it now, than to wait 10 years, 2 kids and how ever many infidelities later.

The fact is; your a big girl and you did big girl things and now you have to live with the consequences. I don't think that you're afraid of hurting him; I think that you're afraid to tell him that you slept with another man and your afraid of what he's going to think of you after he knows about it. I'm sure that it's occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, once you fess up to it that HE won't WANT to be with YOU!

You say that you don't want to hurt him but the fact is that you don't want to be accountable for your actions and look like the bad guy. Because if you're the bad guy, then your fiance has all the rights: rights to your friends b/c you cheated on him and your friends are gonna side with him; rights over the dog b/c if you never cheated then you he wouldn't have to break up with you.

You've already gotten your feet wet. You might as well just take a dive and fess up and go be with the other man. And you'll have to risk losing your friends. Just be careful though, if he was willing to disrespect your engagement to another man by sleeping with you- then he will more than likely do it to someone else. (And yes, it is very disrespectful on his part to have sex with you when you are involved with someone else. Someone who I thought was my really good friend for years tried to bed me when I got engaged and I told him that if he can't respect mine and my fiances relationship, then I couldn't  be his friend; and I haven't talked to him since!)

[teko]

Well, what you did was not kosher but hey, you have already learned from it. You realized thru it all who you love and dog-gone it, love conquers all. I sure have made many a mistake in life and still do. Just learn to think before you act and you will be ok.Good luck

[mami1323]

You are in a bad place right now but with love and determination you and him can develop into something very strong.  It takes hard work to make up for what was done.  Can I suggest couples counseling before you even think about marriage?  It will help with dealing with this last betrayal and communication issues going forward.

[K1990]

Mami~ I appreciate your response.  I hate what I did and know that I always will, I should have never done it and I totally regret it!  I think you are right thought that this made me realize that this is what I want and that I do love him.  I know I get so upset and cought up on all the little things and I shouldn't because it's all part of the process.  I guess when nothing was wrong and everything was great, I looked for something to be wrong and that's when the stupid little things came up.  It will talk time and lots of it, and eventhough he has forgiven me I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.

[vsentz]

wow.... where's Mauri????

[mami1323]

I think everything that happens in life is a growth experience.  K will most likely mature and grow from this.  Perhaps she needed this to happen in order to appreciate her fiance a bit more.  Maybe next time something small like him lending his friend some money won't seem like such a majorly big deal.  It helps her to understand that not everything has to be a huge argument.  Regardless, maybe they needed a bump in the road to weigh out whether this relationship is worth holding on to.  Of course the bump shouldn't have been so big but who are we to judge.  I don't agree with what she did and we could beat her over and over but the damage was already done.  She will kick herself harder than we could.  K I hope you learned your lesson and will never do that again to him.  If the relationship is not working then leave it, don't do such a damaging thing again.  Also, just because it is out in the open doesn't mean all is forgiven.  It will take a lot of work, and I'm speaking from experience.  Every time you don't answer your cell right away or any time you are out without him, he will wonder what you are doing.  It is an ongoing battle and you need to prepare yourself for it.  Be patient with him because forgiving someone for that kind of betrayal is tough.

[mayflowers]

Guess I was kind of harsh.  Sorry about that. I just think that K1990 needs to grow up a bit and not be handled with kid gloves which I think you do for her.  That's your perrogative I guess.  For me, I learn the most when ppl are harsh.  I grew up with a sister that basically hated me.  But she made me tough or else I would have fallen to pieces whenever something went wrong in my life.  The truth hurts but it also saves time.  

Maybe it's more like Teko said, she just needs to go through this stuff to mature a bit.

[teko]

I dunno guys. I think it just boils down to life experience or lack thereof, immaturity and the need to feel loved and get attention. No more, no less. Life will soon take care of it all however and decisions made will determine how much pain and misery in the process. Tell your guy what happened and start clean from there. You owe him that and please, get tested for std's. No one wants  one to think badly of them thereby no one wants to admit. it.  
better safe than sorry.

[RockRose]

Wait,  mayflowers,  I didn't really finish.

I was about the only one on the diaper change/breastfeeding in public who agreed with a single thing you said,  maybe a couple other people said something in your defense.

You are harsh,  girl.  Get a lover.

[babypooh]

I'm glad that you talked things over with him :) I wish the best for you and I am very glad that you realize it was wrong and that it cannot happen again. I hope your friend respects your opinion and that if you and your ex fiance decide to stay together, that he manages to put everything behind you guys and move on. It's going to be hard, but I'm sure he's glad you told him. Good luck with everything :)

[treazzure007]

um...while i wouldn't diagnose K i was about to comment on her dramatics.  i thought back to some of the older posts (where i thought she was just really young, silly, and in love) and she did over exaggerate circumstances and blow little nothings into big problems but i meet people like that all the time and it's always something going on.  some people ALWAYS have to have something over-the-top going on in their lives or they don't feel 'alive'.  if there is a disorder named for that then that's the label

perhaps, that relationship was getting boring, so the thrill of an engagement and wedding planning was very welcoming.  now engaged, it was something about the rings for a bit.  also, there were things about the families and cultures too.  then it was boredom w/ the engagement and the rings and so now this.  whether K and david break up or not, this is still an exciting chapter right here.  ...and next week on this electrifying series ladies and gentlemen...  question is, is david down for this ride???  

[K1990]

I thank everyone for your opinions, some more than other but you all can say what you would like.  I've gone over everything, I have told my fiance what happened and we have discussed all of this... he said he forgives me but it will take time for him to trust me again.  We are going to give it sometime and maybe try again or maybe not...  We are going to work on everything, we will still live together but I will be moving into the other bedroom.  We will see what happens and reasses when the time comes.  I still love him and I know I do.  Once I handed his ring back it all hit me... that I don't want to give this up that I love him and that I want to do all I can to make it work.  And that means no more talking to my friend from Iraq and I told my friend that.  That we have nothing, what happened was stupid and a mistake and it can't and will never happen again!  So for those of you that have been kind and supportive (Babypooh, BabyHardiman, RockRose).  For those of you were weren't very respectful your opinions are your opinions and you may say whatever you would like.   None of this is easy but it is all my fault so I have no one to blame but myself.

[babypooh]

We are all entitled to our opinions, but once again, there is no need to say it in a disrespectful manner. Being blunt and being disrespectful can be two separate things. K1990 will ask for the help that she needs and I haven't seen her ask for any kind of help for any mental condition. Until she does, we shouldn't suggest it as it can come out to seem uncalled for.
RockRose gave her opinion and if she believes that K1990 does not fit the description of the mentioned mental condition, then that's fine. That's not necessarily enabling K1990 here.
I think we can all get along and be friends without bashing each other's comments :)
Remember: Love and Peace, ladies :)

[mayflowers]

RR, we are not talking about her behind her back. This is an open forum for God's sake.  She can read this, everything is out in the open.  I think she does fit this description except for the suicide talk.  I haven't heard that yet.  There is something mentally wrong with this young girl.  She needs help and it's people like you that are enabling her to continue with the hysterics and drama.  You are not helping her, you are enabling her to continue bad and dangerous behavior.  I think you feel sorry for her and are trying to sound like the "good mother" that she never had.  Get a grip lady and stop enabling people who really need some medical attention.

You write like you know about everything and it seems like you've belonged to every group imaginable.  You write like you're an expert on  medical conditions, relationships, marriage.  If you've got that much time on your hands, something is very wrong with your life.

[RockRose]

While we're all discussing her behind her back,  and some diagnosing her over the internet,  let me please join in.

I don't think this diagnosis fits her at all.

HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY
Constant seeking of reassurance or approval.    -sort of
Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions.  - not really
Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval.  not at all,  exactly the opposite
Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior.   - no
Excessive concern with physical appearance.       - no
A need to be the center of attention (self-centeredness).   don't know
Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification.   no,  exactly the opposite
Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear shallow to others.   no
Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with details.  no
Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are.  no
Making rash decisions.   no
Threatening or attempting suicide   no


I've seen histrionic people,  and she isn't it.  

[babypooh]

I think it's normal that she would be confused after what happened. I'm sure that she does in fact care deeply for her fiance (or ex fiance). Was what she did right? No, and she knows it.  But we all do make mistakes and if she had feelings for her friend, I can see why she would be even more confused now.  I don't believe that it's up to any of us to bring up what she has said in her profile or how excited she used to seem about her wedding. We all still deserve respect in this forum. We can all get along, right? I think we can :)

[momagain59]

Sorry, you're right, not everyone wants to be diagnosed.

[BabyHardiman]

I agree with babypooh.  And honestly I have many of those symptoms myself.

[babypooh]

I'm sure that K1990 would post in the doctor's forum if she wants to be diagnosed. Let's try to respectfully offer our advice, if we have any. Love and Peace, ladies!

[momagain59]

Actually, I have to give credit to SeriousSam; if you read between the lines, he is the one that diagnosed her in his post. I do not know what people with this disorder or illness do to get better. Does anyone have any knowledge of what works best for someone with this problem? Until help is received, I do not see how someone like this can ever have a healthy relationship. Too much drama for me.  

[mayflowers]

Momagain59,

You hit the nail on the head.  K1990 has some sort of mental disorder.  At first I thought bi-polar as this would cause her to do the crazy things she does and then over-dramatizes her problems.  The disorder you mention sounds more like her.  I hope she gets help.

Sadly, until she does get some help, which could possibly include some sort of medication mixed with therapy, she will continue to have one night stands and get engaged to men just to say she is engaged.  It's pure dramatics and attention to say "look at me, everyone look at me".