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Avatar universal


I am a married man (41 yrs) with two beautiful boys whom I love deeply and my marriage has always been very strong.

The problem is that I am in love with another woman and she feels the same about me.  She is involved with a man that she says she loves but I feel as though she is trying to convince herself of it.  The situation is further complicated by the fact that we work together on a daily basis and it is getting increasingly difficult to pretend (at home) that I am happy.  Whenever our partners are away or sleeping we chat excessively over the phone or instant messaging.  

Please do not tell me that I don't love this woman because I do with all of my heart.  I know she feels the same and we have stolen moments with each other but never lead to sex.  It is plainly obvious that this is not a sexual thing (no sex yet) but is much deeper.  There is no sense in talking to my wife because I have tried and she simply does not want to discuss anything of a serious nature with me.  I really need help as the heart ache and pressures are beginning to take a toll on me and I am becoming very depressed.  Please help
10 Responses
82861 tn?1333457511
You sound like you've already made up your mind that (1) your marriage isn't as strong as you state, (2) given up making your wife listen as a lost cause without really trying, (3) justified having an emotional extra-marital affair, and worse, (4) are subtly blaming your behavior on your wife because she won't have a serious discussion with you.  BS!

Do you really want to throw away a solid marriage for the thrill of chasing someone new?  Do you really want to do this without finding a way to speak to your wife about what is going through your head?  If you can't get her attention face-to-face, there's always pen and paper.  You are doing both of these women wrong - particularly your wife.  You already know this or you wouldn't be depressed.

You probably already know what my opinion is, but I'll state it anyway.  End your extra-curricular communications with your co-worker; start communicating with your wife; go to marriage counseling if necessary; and if all that doesn't help and you leave the marriage, don't date anyone until you are divorced.  Something tells me that your wife is already suspicious, but doesn't want to hear any of the gory details yet.  Cheating men are a whole lot more obvious than they like to believe.
184674 tn?1360864093
If your marriage has always been very strong, then at what point did it weaken enough for you to fall in love with another woman? You said your wife doesn't want to discuss anything of a serious nature with you, but have you really tried discussing this with her? Or might it perhaps be you that is having the problem discussing this with her?

As a woman, I would want to know if my significant other had fallen in love with another woman, even if I wanted to avoid discussing anything else of a serious nature.
Have you actually really tried talking to her about this, as in a point-blank, blunt-as-can-be-so-it's-unavoidable for her to talk about way, like, "Honey, I feel we have a good marriage and I love our family, but I'm in love with another woman."
Not much of a way she can back out of that one. I can guarantee you she's going to want to continue the conversation.
I think you're becoming so depressed because you're trying to keep this a secret and not attempting to work through it with your wife and family to strengthen your marriage once again.
So what's worth more to you? The other woman, or your wife and sons? You can't have both, so you might as well make a decision. And make one quickly and permanently, before your affair with the other woman proceedes to a sexual affair.
Avatar universal
41 years of marriage is a long time. You sound like you are serious about this other woman. True love doesn't come around often so I say grab the chance.

Keep in mind if you do leave your wife the many people that will be hurt. That I have no advice for. I also think that to stay in a relationship when the love is gone is also wrong to do to your wife.

Teko is right about--that things may not work out the way you expected. Then what???


Avatar universal
If you couldn't keep a commitment to your wife who you must have thought you loved what makes you think you can keep a commitment to this lady?

Or what about your commitment to your children.  For that matter with two kids how do you have time to screw around?  Dude you seriously need to take care of business before you go around proving what those sexist bigots who perpetuate all the BS about fathers say.  Turn in your man card it's officially revoked.
Avatar universal
One question:  Are you willing to pay the price, your wife, marriage and 2 beautiful boys. Is this worth the price. Right now you are still able to keep what you have. You continue and the choice will not be yours. Marriage takes turns and sometimes times our feeling change, we don't feel that Love the same way, It can and does return. Sometimes the committment is the glue that keeps you through those times. If you want more out of your marriage invest the time that you are devoting elsewear. The advise above was soooooo right, STOP NOW, cut off those times and communitcations. I have know some people that actually left there workplace when a strong attraction was there in order NOT to fall into the temptation. You make the decision first  BEFORE entering into a forbidden area. We are in control of our selves and should exersise self control. Be the example to your kids,  would they be proud of you and what you are doing? Can you look them in the eye and feel a good example. Is this what you want for them. Kids first, too many parents forget about them. They count, they are important. Don't discount them or their feelings. They get ripped apart and tossed about and are expected to accept bad behavior from their parent. How much bad behavior will you except from them. Are you trying to bring them up right. Please care about them and do the right thing. Your a married man, act like it. God Bless you and your family. I have seen those that thought the price was worth it, and it ended up being tooo high a price in the end. Count yourself fortunate - it is not to late for you.
176495 tn?1301284012
This sounds awful similar to a situation I was involved in many years ago. I left my wife for the "other woman" with whom I worked, but she didn't end the relationship with the man she lived with, in fact, moved 1100 miles away with him waiting for the "right time"..after a couple of years of that I woke up and said "what the hell am I doing?", ended the relationship with her (we saw each other a couple times/year after she left and talked all the time) and got on with my life.  Nearly 20 years later, leaving my wife and family is the BIGGEST REGRET of my life and one I can never forgive myself for.

I'm currently remarried, and love my wife dearly, but the hell my actions wound up putting my sons through has left me with a lot of guilt.

Do not leave your wife and family for this woman.  You don't want to live with the regret with which I live nearly every day.

Avatar universal
I know you think this woman is great now, but you are in la la land.  She's just a person, with good and bad points, and the love you feel for her now will fade away eventually.  It's just that she is a relief from your unhappiness with your current situation.  If you go with her, eventually you will start to feel the same about her as you do your current wife.  

Re-read beargizom's post.  He said it better than anyone.
176495 tn?1301284012
do you ever wonder what this woman is doing with this man when she's not talking to you?  Weekends, holidays..vacations..those are the thoughts that gnawed at me.  The woman I was involved with would go on business trips with her guy, they'd go on vacations together (oh, she's sneak a call to me here and there and tell me she loves me and it "won't be much longer", etc.  When we worked together we'd have lunch, maybe
go out and park somewhere and I felt that she and I connected in away I had never connected with anyone before.  I was sure she was going to leave this guy..I just knew it..

It ain't gonna happen, pal.  get some counseling for you and your wife..forget about this woman..one of you has to get another job, but you need to give up any hope and restore the relationship you've been in for  41 years.  It's not worth it to throw all of that away..believe me.

Avatar universal
The grass isn't always greener on the other side , it's only an alludesion . We cant see the ugly brown spots from the distance . Fertilize your own yard and watch it grow . " you got two beautiful boys " ,don't devastate their lives unless they have NO other choice . I'm in love after 26 yrs of marriage , We had to work out the bad times . but at the end , it was worth it . I had to do damage control from my own stupidity .
Avatar universal
evidently you have not made up your mind yet so put on your listening ears you say you love her you say she thinks she loves another man ect, first of all this is so familar i am older than you and have seen this so many times office romances( indeed) what happened to the young couple that fell in love and took their vows 41 years ago time ages us on the outside and we may not be as pretty as once we were but on the inside i think we still feel the same maybe you have mid life crisis or itch if you prefer i would say you are no spring chicken. look in the mirrow .time marches on i imagine your wife still cares about you . what kind of person could take what they call their happiness at the expense of someone who has been there for you 41 years also what kind of woman trys to break up a 41 year oldmarriage what is she after when she gets it your gone she is stringing you along and probably someone else also.if you leave what happens your kids wont like you for hurting mom what about grankids or grankids to come what about the nice family you have is gone and when the other one is gone and she will be what then i would venture to say she is younger than you if she is not i apoligize i would wait awhile and watch and see just what this lady does you wont have long to wait then i would look atthe pic albumns of your family then ask youeself is it worth it    luck in your decision  jo
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