A dilema

[talulah1967]

I am married with two children aged 15 & 11. for the last few years my husband and my relationship had been terrible...exacerbated by his drinking. I felt like i had to do so much to keep the peace at home fro us and the kids. The kids hated his drinkin and a couple of times i asked him to do something about it. at xmas he started mending his ways and keeping the drink at a minimum,if any and started exercising and lost 12 kilos. great! Our relationship had not been good for 5 years and I had been on antidepressants up until xmas then came offf. I felt great. One argument we had, which was one of many every day, we decided we needed counselling. We went and had 1 individual session each and it came out that he hated his job....which I couldnt blame him as the company was awful that he worked for. He decided to apply for a position overseas as a tester......of course when I asked what would happen if he got it he said he would turn it down. well two couple counselling sessions together and then he gets this job. One month later he has gone to it. HIS plan was for us to follow later this year. It was not a joint decision it was his. given that he had two problems in his life - work and his relationship - the work one was easier to fix. I asked him to stay but he said he needed to go do this job for himself. I get that. He feels good about himself etc. But the emotional roller coaster i have been on for last few years has not got any better and I am a positive person but I feel hurt and abandoned and I dont see that the extra money he is earning.....which I have to ask for.....will help. we have visited once to where he is and are due to go again in a months time. I have told him that at this stage I do not want to get up and leave my base here for a place Ive never visited before. We will be nearer his family - and they are great - but my biggest feeling at the moment is being abandoned. He chose a job over our relationship.I feel like I have been through 5 years emotional crap....and this is my reward. I sometimes feel I have no love left for him......such as the rough ride we have had

[talulah1967]

Oh I never thought it that way re passive aggressive choice. Thank you for your input. its always good to get another perspective.

[specialmom]

I'm thinking you had your answer when he said he wanted to leave because it was easier than staying and dealing with the relationship.  

I guess I was trying to get you to focus on the problem.  The move isn't really the problem (even though it had its pros and cons) but rather that the marriage was having signficant issues and he didn't want to deal with them and you are not wanting to move where he is at and he knows that.  It isn't a move he chose but to but to end the relationship in a passive aggressive way.  

It does not sound like there is much to salvage and your husband has already made a decision.  I understand you are hurt and it is warrented.  He's checked out physically by moving and probably knew that you'd be resistent to following him.  

I do wish you well and would recommend you continue with your therapist.  peace to you and good luck to you and your children.  There is a divorce and break ups community as well here at med help and also many that are here to listen and help on the Relationships forum.  Luck to you

[talulah1967]

My husband isnt career oriented. He admitted in counselling that taking the job was easier than staying back here and working on our relationship. Relocation for work is not necessarily a bad thing......but I also work and have a good job but consideration wasnt given to my circumstances. My daughter is in her important year at school and my son has just started a new school where he is flourishing. He just said that he was taking the job and me and the children join him at the end of the year. I have an elderly mother - i am an only child - although her circumstances are never an issue. Yes there are marriage issues and I dont necessarily think that starting in a new place is going to solve them. I guess at this stage I am still feeling hurt.......i had 4 weeks from the day he got the job until he left for it to try and organise a household for his absence, try and start our relationship back on course from barely talking stage.....organise his move and still try and work my full time job as well.

[specialmom]

I wouldn't say that he chose a job over the relationship.  In this day and age, not every good job is where we live and we relocate for it and expect our family to come with us.  My father relocated our family several times over the years as I was growing up for the sake of his career.  He wasn't choosing his career over us, he was bettering our situation with a good job.  

So, I'm  not really with you on that line of thinking.

Instead, it is relevent to say that you and he have marriage issues and you are not desiring to work on these issues in a new place where you have to start over or have less of a support system.  That is valid.  

Clearly there are many layers of issues within this relationship.

do you really want to work it out and stay a married couple?  (oh, he's given up drinking, correct?)