Lust turned into love for me

[Monika1985]

So about 2 or 3 years ago i meet a married man in a club. I went home with him that same night. His wife was working in another city at the time. I kept seeing him. I then found a bf & left him alone. After i broke up with my bf i went back to him. We are so sexually compatible and i eventually fell in love with him. He and his wife stopped sleeping in the same bed/having sex about 5 years ago he said because she had a surgery that made her lose sexual urges. I didn't believe it at first but over the days i found it to be true. He's always made me feel like he loved me but yet he won't get a divorce. He's taken days off work to be with me but yet now he seems to have lost interest because i have constantly asked him to divorce her. I try so hard to stop seeing him but its hard for me because he's got me weak. I get major anxiety when i have tried to stop calling him. How can i get over him? Please give me advice and thank you.

[Ashelen]

First off - please, don't delude yourself. If you're honest with yourself, it will help the healing process. You were NOT his first affair....a guy this practiced (like you make him sound) is more likely to be a habitual cheater.

Secondly...I'm proud of you for deciding you deserve better. I wish you had chosen to end it because it was WRONG and you regret being a homewrecker but hey - whatever it takes to get you in the right place in your life to go find the guy who will treat you right.

Let me tell you a quick little story...see if I can rile your anger up at this man a little more, because to me anger can be a powerful healer after a relationship (and then of course comes acceptance and healing, but anger can kick-start you and give you some strength).

My husband and I separated shortly before we married. We had lost a baby (miscarriage) and were struggling...A friend of mine confessed he was in love with me, but he was married. I fended him off for awhile before admitting I was developing feelings as well, but refused to get into it with a married man. And you know what? He left his wife. For the CHANCE that we could be together. Because he said I was worth taking the risk for. It ate me up for awhile thinking I was a home-wrecker, but I know the relationship was doomed to divorce anyway. We never did go anywhere with the relationship because my husband and I reconciled and ended up marrying shortly after this...but my point is - if a guy wants to leave his wife for you, he will. don't delude yourself and think it was about finances, or about the child - he just didn't want to leave. Apparently, according to some mutual friends, he still talks with regret to this day (years later) about the woman he left his wife for...the one that got away. Oddly enough my husband views this whole situation with some pride - my friend could've stolen me but I chose to stay and never was unfaithful, so for some reason that makes him proud lol.

You DEFINITELY deserve better, and I'm glad you're realizing this. Now get mad, get busy, change your phone number, lose his, and start living the life you deserve - that awesome guy is going to be out there, waiting, and SINGLE ;-).

[colorclan]

STOP SLEEPING WITH MARRIED MEN THATS JUST CRAZY!

[AnnieBrooke]

Everyone deserves better than a guy who will willingly cheat.  You go, girl, don't look back.  You'll meet someone so much better.  :)

[specialmom]

Well, Monika, that sounds good to me.  You DO deserve better and I hope that you find it.  Take some cooling off time now and start fresh after some time passes.  

We wish you luck and we're always here if you need us!

[Monika1985]

I'd like to thank all of you who have posted their thoughts whether negative or positive. I've realized that i'm no longer a young immature woman and that my fun with a married man is over. I still have no regret however i don't want to continue this affair. I've come to see now that he does not love me and i know he loves his wife. I was his first affair (with his current wife) but not sure if i'll be his last. I feel like i'm starting to hate him because if he really cared for me he should've broke it off the moment i said i was in love with him. I have deleted his number and have sucked up the feeling i have to call/see him. I'm worth more than that. He doesn't deserve me and i'm done :)

[specialmom]

I get what you are saying Anniebrooke.  If Monica is looking for ways to make herself move on or be strong------- personal pride is a powerful thing.  If we say "this is wrong and I don't want to do wrong anymore"-----  then it becomes a reason to stop doing it.  I've stopped things because I thought it made me look bad or made me feel bad about myself and you are appealing to that side of this to help her. I get it.  

I am staying away from the right and wrong of this as I feel like Monica knows the answer to that.  She doesn't know the ins and outs to his marriage or how his wife feels for sure, so why go there.  I  know that I'd suffer through a lot of pain and humiliation to keep my family together and obviously his wife's family (and keeping it intact) means a lot to her.  Or he could be having lots of sex with his wife and lying to you.  Who knows.  Who cares.

If we are trying to get over it and move on, that is all irrelevant.  Focus on you and what YOU need to do to get to a healthier place.  Analyzing him and his wife doesn't help.  Just flat out doing what you need to do to close this chapter in your life and start a new one is all that matters.  

Brice does make a good point about therapy.  Something allowed you to be with a married man.  That was a boundary you were willing to cross and now have a hard time giving up.  Maybe talking about it with a professional will help understand how you got here, help with ideas on how to get out of it, and a plan for the future so you do not repeat it.  

I think we learn from our mistakes as I said.  We are not punished for them--------- they make us smarter.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

You flared up at me and said I was 'labeling' you, but I was not; I was trying to appeal to your pride by showing that a label attaches whether you want to reject it to or not.  Unfortunately, no matter how much [lust or] love there is, when it comes down to facts you are sleeping with a married man.  You said "what about his fault in this?"  I was not saying there is no other fault, I was saying, preserve yourself because he is not.  Nobody wants to be called an adulteress, but you're keeping yourself in a spot where as long as you try to keep it going, you can't defend against the name.  A lot of people who cheat on marriages think it "all for love and the world well lost," but the unpalatable fact is that once the love and lust drain away, what is left is that you behaved in a way that you probably won't want to volunteer to your future husband or your children.  It is easier to break away from a relationship like this if you think of what kind of person you want yourself to be, in terms of character and integrity.  You want a life you can defend (to yourself when you look in the mirror in the morning), and when you are in an illicit relationship, all you have is a life with a big problematic spot in it now (and in the future.  Your friends will remember, and only if you are lucky will they never open their mouths about it in the future, and the word might get back to someone you really care about).  Good luck.  You thought I was judgmental, but I was trying to get you to see that you need to be off the list of ladies wearing the scarlet letter if you want to have a real life.

[Monika1985]

It's like karma right? I do it so it will happen to me. I believe in karma and i know it's bound to happen. I was young and immature when i met him. All i could think about was sex, clubs, money and fun. Its great yea but now i'm deciding to change. She won't find out. If she does , she does. She's seen my number and hasn't called yet. If she wants to confirm her intuition then she can but i really doubt she will.

[brice1967]

Something I also learned about during my recovery is perception.  Your perception is that neither really care for the marriage.  This guy did everything he could to bolster that perception, because he wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too.  Based merely on statistics, I doubt she really knows about it.  She may, and that certainly says a lot about her if she is indeed okay with that situation.  She may be in that very small percentage who is okay with one having multiple partners.....

It's said that over 50% of marriages are affected by infidelity.  Unfortunately, if you get married it puts you directly in the firing line.  Not saying this to upset you, but its a proven statistic.  It could be you on the other end down the line, and I really hope nobody has to go through this.... it stinks, it ruins lives....

[Monika1985]

I've asked if he's regretted being with me. His answer is always no. I don't regret sleeping with him i honestly don't because at first it was the best sex ever. I do however regret falling in love with him. Thats the only regret i have. And slowly i am gaining my self worth realizing that this cannot continue any further. And that i am worth more than being the "other woman"

[brice1967]

You're completely wrong if you think "if he truly loved her, he would not go out and cheat".  You couldn't be more wrong, and you're trying to justify what happened.  Placing any of the blame on the other woman is just wrong unless she said "go have an affair and I won't be hurt", but got hurt after it.

I am not the authority on the subject, but I have never studied anything more than this.  I've read over 100 books and articles on the subject by psychiatrists, psychologists, those who went on to survive infidelity, those who haven't been able to salvage their marriages, the cheaters and the cheated.  I've spoken to numerous people here and elsewhere.

I am a personal believer in "we reap what we sow".  If you really do not regret sleeping with this man, you certainly cannot feel too bad about how you feel right now, correct?  Listen, I feel your hurt.... I feel it when you say you dont regret sleeping with this guy.  Saying you don't regret it and believing that means that you've got no problem being labeled as a homewrecker amongst other things, but I think you like yourself more than that.  I think you see more self worth than that.... if not, there is your starting point.  A therapist can help you with this.....

[Monika1985]

@ brice: thank you for your comment. I'm not sure if she actually knows or not. I'm pretty sure she has her suspicions. I mean with the long, late night calls/texts/picture messages and his short paychecks and his not coming home at night. If i was truly a ***** i could have let her known out of spite but like i mentioned - i don't do it because they have a little boy and because i can only hurt myself so much. It was fun and it was wrong and now i've wished him good luck but he doesn't get it thru his head that i want to stop. I really do love him and thats why i wish him happiness with his family. I had my fun but it ended when i fell for him. Surprisingly, all the comments both bad and good are making me realize that this was a very low thing of me to do. I want to move on.

[brice1967]

Hi Monika,
When I first came to MH regarding my issue (similar to yours with a twist) I got chewed up on side and down the other.  I am a married man who cheated with a married woman.  I can assure you that nothing good came of my adulterous relationship, and it's been my experience that nothing really ever does.  It is a nightmare for all involved.  There is lies upon lies, betrayal, trust destroyed.... just powerful bonds broken, not to mention the wedding vows and all promises within those vows.  Bad news......

Regardless of what reason this guy gave you for the affair, it is reprehensible.  No excuse's are necessary basically because none are valid.  The guy was married = off the market until he is divorced....  For a second, put yourself into a committed relationship.... put the shoe on the other foot.  You are in a committed relationship, you assume everything is fine and are often told that all is well by your spouse.  Years and years go by and you're constantly told that all is well.... then it happens.  You get proof of your husband cheating.  How would you feel?  I don't know the level of dysfunction within that marriage and I have no reason what is or is not happening in their bed.  

Better than that scenario, take a look at how your feel right now.... look at the promises this guy made you, look at the lies this guy told you.... doesn't it sting a little?  Maybe a lot???  I'd guess it does because you said you kept allowing him back.  But the betrayal you're feeling is nothing like what the other woman feels, if she indeed knows about the affair.  

I have literally spoken to 20 women about this subject.  Every single one of them, even the ones in relationships that were somewhat rocky, said the pain they felt was an actual physical pain.  My wifes description almost matched word for word, all of them.
"It felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest... each nerve getting run through a meat grinder, again and again.  Rock salt applied to the fresh wounds, then ground into the ground.... and it happens again and again... all day and all night."  As you sit here wondering how to move on, the other woman is wondering "if" she wants to move or "if" she wants to move on with or without this guy.

I have also spoken to a few cheaters.  The reasons for cheating ran amok, some people had numerous reasons.... I personally found none of them valid including 2 people who felt exactly as I did.  The proper thing to have done in all cases is come clean, do it fast, and do it before the actual affair starts...... none of the people I talked to did that, not one.

You move on from here knowing that every relationship has some vulnerability.  Even the most secure seeming relationships have vulnerability.  YOU move forward knowing exactly what you got out of this situation.... dumped in the end.  YOU move forward know what got you here and because of that YOU know how to avoid this situation in the future.  YOU walk away from this wanting to make you the best you there is....... but you do it for you first.  YOU only owe yourself an apology because you don't get to answer to anyone else.  

[Monika1985]

@ heather: yea you're right. I DONT REGRET SLEEPING WITH HIM :)
And i've tried to make him realize he needs to also end this for the sake of his little boy. But neither of them seem to care about the marriage and he's with her because of the financial burden. If he truly loved her he wouldn't have gone out looking for a new woman to sleep with. I don't care about her. I'm ending this for my sake and health and so he can give his little boy a normal life with out a cheating father like your dad. And what? I sound like a *****? It's only sex right so what makes it a big deal? If he loves her, according to you, then why not end this 3 years ago when it first started because i only wanted a one night stand. He's the one who kept calling after that. And again lol you keep defending him. So like now you think he's a saint? Lmao some where down the line i'm pretty sure you've been cheated on and thats where your anger for the "other sexy young woman"

[heatherw26]

My husband hasn't cheated on me and won't. Unlike some folks, we take our vows seriously and work through our problems. We don't jump to the first loose person we find because the other is having health issues or we're mad.

Unfortunately I've seen those close to me cheated on. I've seen the damage it does to the family and the hurt it causes. My own mother one of those. I have no tolerance for those who knowingly invade another persons marriage.

Do you realize what you sound like? You don't care you have had sex with this womans husband in HER BED. Her bed. Not yours. Hers. Her husband will never leave her. He will never be with you. If he does leave her, what will keep him with you? What will keep him from cheating on you? He most likely will.

How do you get over him? Stop talking to him. Find someone who isn't married or in a committed relationship and quite sleeping with married people. Simple as that. You made the bed, now you lie in it. It ***** but nobody did this to you, but you.

[Monika1985]

@ mesh: thank you. And i know you must be a very strong person to be able to get over the married jerk you were with. I think we must accept it was a fling and now we move on.


@ sweet pea: i never said it wasn't my fault. I now realize that i've only hurt myself. And yes it is partially the wife's fault in my opinion. And of course his. I have told him to let this go and go talk about working out their problems. He said he's not in love with her anymore and does not desire her. And he was there when she was sick (this happened before we met)
Everyone has a percentage of their fault but i'm doing my best to leave him alone. He doesn't understand i'm hurting and even after we agree to end it he always ends up calling later! I can change my number but he obviously knows where i live and he knows where to look for me. I don't regret what happened i just regret falling for him.

[sweetpea03]

Relationships are difficult at times and it's not always happy/fun times, especially in a long-term relationship/marriage. There are ups and downs and this man handled it all very poorly by choosing to leave his marriage to have a fling with another woman, rather than communicating better with his wife about his feelings and needs. This all happened at a low point in his marriage, as his wife had surgery and they are struggling as she recovers. While he should have been there for her, supported her as she got better, he left and decided to act like a single man. That doesn't say much good about him, now does it? Would you really want to be with that type of man? I sure hope not.  

A lot of women in relationships/marriages are quick to get angry about this because it's very sad/upsetting to see that a woman knows a man has a wife and still chooses to go ahead and sleep with him/have a fling with him. I would be very angry if my fiance cheated on me. I've been cheated on before and it's very difficult to get over, if possible at all at times. My relationship with my ex fell apart after he slept with another woman and I could not trust him again after that. I am very surprised you blame the wife for what is going on. If you really want to move on, then you need to take responsibility for your actions. You are the one who knew he was married and consciously chose to be with him anyways. If you didn't allow yourself to go there, then he wouldn't be with another woman and you wouldn't be in this mess. You can't blame the wife, you are the one who decided to do this.

After you recognize and take responsibility for your actions(stop making excuses), then you have to make sure to keep to a plan of staying away from him. No contact with him at all. Nothing. Journaling is a good idea or talking to a friend about it, but just don't talk to him. You are almost 26 and now is the time to move on. It's not easy to move on from a person you love, but you have to because this "relationship" is not healthy at all. Always keep yourself busy and get involved in hobbies you enjoy. Throw yourself into your job, into hobbies, make plans with friends daily or close to it. Just do all you can to stay away from that married man.

[mesh833]

I totally agree with you......Im sure u're young and pretty and have your life ahead of you don't settle for a man that dont deserve you!!!!!!

[Monika1985]

@ mesh: i try to believe not all men are liars and cheaters and in order to attract the right man we need to love ourselves first. Which is why i'm making a change to better myself. I'm young, no kids, great job and family and friends i  mean what else could i want. A married man is not the answer.

[Monika1985]

@ special mom thank you for understanding my pov. And i do realize this is wrong. I want to end this so i'm trying to distract myself from him. I'm taking the first step to end this and i give myself credit for that.


@ sweet pea: i want to believe he hasn't lied to me but deep down i know he has. And again i've never forced him to be with me. He comes on his own. And i can not destroy what was already hanging by a thread.

[Monika1985]

@ heather: lol you're quick to judge aren't you. Either you snapped for one of two reasons. One, your scared your husband might cheat on you one day or two, you've already been cheated on. And yea i've slept in her bed and what? Yea i know its not right but like i said. I'm 25 and just having fun and sadly i feel in love because even as being the other woman i still have feelings and a heart. And yea i have put myself in her shoes and guess what i figure its partially her fault for not putting her half of effort to reconcile.

[mesh833]

let me rephrase what i said about married men........some married men/some men in general are lying dogs......they will say whatever is take to get into a female pants........but there is hope for all the broken hearts there is a loving man out there for every woman.. We all just have to take care of ourselves and not settle for less, and he will come!!!!!!!

[specialmom]

I actually think she acknowledges that she needs to move on from this guy but is having trouble doing so.  

Let's see if we can help her problem solve about how to move on and stick to it.  

I think that self control is one big aspect.  Completely  cutting herself off from him will have to happen.  This means---------no texts, no calls, no emails, no meetings.  She'll have to have it in her heart that this is what she wants to do in order to have the self control to follow through with that.

I think the idea of finding a better life for herself and partner down the road may help her along.  

While she is mourning the loss of someone she loves, the things that make break ups a little better emotionally is staying very very busy.  Make plans with friends and family and stay super busy.  Focus on your work and throw yourself into that.  Work on your hobbies and do as much of that as you can.  Make sure you add exercise into your plan------- it helps us in so many ways with relieving stress being one great benefit.  Keep a journal and write down your thoughts.

As sweetpea said, when you want to call-------- have a go to plan to do instead.  Hit that journal and write why you shouldn't or how he has used/hurt you.  I think making a list of all the rotten qualities he has or bad things about him and reading it helps.  Make a list of all the GOOD things about you and read that as well.  Or call a friend like sweetpea says or go for a run or whatever.  Do something else.  

Plan on being sad---------- but it won't last forever.  I promise.  I've been through some hard break ups.  You do get over it.  

But you have to do this to take care of yourself.  Always remember that it is YOU first and this relationship is not healthy for you.  good luck

[sweetpea03]

I am curious as to what makes you think this guy is telling you the truth? Are you that naive? Of course he is going to tell you that he has given your number to his wife, that she knows about you, that they no longer sleep together, etc. but I highly doubt he is telling you the truth and even if it was the truth, that still gives you no right at all to become the other woman in their relationship. Have you ever put yourself in this man's wife's shoes? How would you feel? Ever hear of the saying to "treat others how you would want to be treated". Think about if your husband and you aren't communicating as well as you should and he goes off and has an affair with some woman, telling her what she wants to hear and pretending to "love" her to get sex and have a fun fling.

The reason he won't divorce his wife is because he still loves her, not you, and will keep his marriage over the fling with you. He has too much history with his wife to throw it away, as is in most cases. Plus, statistically speaking, even if he had left her for you, a vast majority of relationships that start out in infidelity will fail, as you can't begin a relationship in lies. So if he were to be with you, what would make you think he would stay faithful to you? You need to snap back to reality and walk away now before you do anymore damage to their relationship and to yourself. You should never talk bad about this man's wife because you know nothing about her and also you are the one who is ruining their marriage, so you have no right to speak ill of her. She obviously has had surgery, is in a time of need, and her husband who should be there to support her has run off to go have some fling with you. Maybe she trusts her husband fully, and doesn't go through their phone bill checking up on him. Can you see what you have done to their relationship?  

You need to stop contacting him. You may not like the responses, but it's a reality you need to face. You allowed yourself to become the other woman in a couple's relationship and now you need to walk away, cut off all contact. It doesn't matter if you have his number memorized by heart, once you want to call him, call a friend instead and ask them to come over so you won't talk to him. Just stay away from him.