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Marraige, Emotional Maturity, and Long-Term Living with In-Laws

I guess my question's a mix of concern for my cousin, and curiosity of others' opinions on the topic. It's really bothering me, and it's one of those situations where you're confided in, but have no idea how to respond or what to say.

He got married semi-young early-mid 20's to a woman 4 years older than him, 2 years after his first son was born and child-support court was done ('surprise' with an ex). His credit was absolutely shattered, bad enough he still can't have his own bank account or Paypal. Money was tight (her dad paid for the big wedding) so they moved into her parents' house with them and her brother. He wanted to find an apartment one point, but she didn't want to pay rent, so it's been 6 years. He's now late 20's, she's early 30's.

This summer he finally started looking for an apartment - which I was happy about and proud of him for. I even tried helping him pick something out, though it was nearly impossible. Absolutely ridiculous criteria, so I threw in the towel (Veeery low price in a high priced city area, with all utilities included, not a studio, laundry in unit/building, pet friendly, unlimited parking, no carpet, etc). But I only JUST found out why - she's pregnant, third trimester. Definitely the last thing i'd expected to hear - considering he'd mentioned she couldn't have kids.

But some of the things he's been telling me make me nervous. Few examples - if he's not home by 5:30, she's upset, so his work day ends 3:00 factoring in commute, chores and traffic. So nothing gets done. If he's late, his phone goes off constantly asking where the f*** he is. It also goes off constantly if he doesn't text back soon enough. Every woman in his life she's accused him of cheating with, and if he's late coming home, he's interrogated and yelled at. One time it was so bad, she drained his business bank account (joint with her attached) and started calling people in his contacts lists, including customers. He even had to change his phone number. His emails aren't private and constantly monitored, and one of his largest customer accounts just so happens to be a woman. He recently found out she'd tried visiting that customer at her workplace, but it was closed. That's about an hour out of her way.

Personally, I do hope things improve now that they're on their own and a baby's on the way (and i'm hoping they didn't see that as a solution to the problems they've had). But overall, here's my question;


**Do you think the emotional growth and maturity of a married couple could be negatively affected or stunted if living there for an extended period of time, and not on their own yet? Or does it depend on the person?**


I guess it's wishful thinking, but considering her age (especially being the one not wanting to leave) and the amount of time they've lived there, part of me hopes the change of living situation will improve things. Not sure about you, but i'd go crazy living with my parents that long, especially being married and if I was over 30.

What do you guys think?

3 Responses
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, here is the thing.  He's your adult cousin living his life as he has a right to do.  I've learned that if they aren't worried, you have to let it go.  We all are entitled to make our own path in life even if it is one of destruction.  And sometimes we assert our beliefs on things that are different than the people involved and that isn't fair.  

I would try not to get involved in this.  He's an adult that is about to be a father.  He chose this woman to be with, flaws and all.  These are adult decisions he is making.  We can wonder all day long but it is useless.  

Stay centered on your own life and wish him the best.  Be there for him if he needs a supportive ear to talk to.  But let the pontificating over it go.  It's his life.  good luck
1 Comments
I'm not getting involved - i'm curious about emotional growth and maturity in marriage, living in your parents home from the start, for an extended period of time. I was explaining in context how I got to the topic, because as I said, I never know what to say anyways. I wasn't asking for advice on what to tell him.
13167 tn?1327197724
I agree with SM,  and I will say I know some couples where I just shake my head and wonder,  "WHY IN THE WORLD did you pick that life/partner/lifestyle?"  He did,  though.  Baffling.  That's what he signed up for.
3060903 tn?1398568723
In many countries , married couples live with family, and after they've moved out on their own, then end up inviting the older parents to live with them for the remainder of their lives, and do it well. so no, i don't think that emotional growth and maturity is necessarily negatively impacted by married couples living with family, in fact it might even tips the scales to contrary if you were to look at statistics, but hat of course, would be too hard to track.

From my experience, to your question, No.

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