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Marriage going down hill after baby
Hi Everyone,
I am at a loss of what to do, so thought I would post for some advice.
My husband and I have been married for going on 7 years. I am 29 and he is 31. We have a 7 month old son whom we both adore more than anything. Before the baby I was extremley focused on my career, and never saw myself being a stay at home mom. But, as soon as the baby was born I couldn't imagine leaving him and we are lucky enough that I am able to stay home with him.
This is when the problems in our marriage started to begin. My husband has always worked and had two nights a week when he hung out with his friends. Prior to the baby I would go and hang out with the guys too no problem. On friday nights they play pool for a couple of hours at a local dive bar, and have a few beers.
Since the baby has been born this has continued except now of course I am at home all day alone with the baby and it continues into the evening on those nights. If I want a night out it's not an issue my husband will watch the baby no problem.
We don't have a lot of family that live in the area, but my mother in law comes to town once every 4-6 weeks and we usually have a few hours alone for the date night around then.
Problem is I feel me and my life has changed very much since the baby and my husband just gets to continue on like he always has. I resent him for it and I know it's wrong, but I can't help. Not that I don't enjoy being home I love every second with my baby. I feel left out of my husbands life now and feel that I have made sacrafices and he gets to live the same life.
I also feel like I get no attention from him now. I have to ask for a hug or he wouldn't give me one for days. I don't understand what has changed for him, I have lost all of my baby weight and I look exactly the same as I did prior to pregnancy. We still are intimate about once a week or so, but I feel the connection is just gone. I try to talk to him, but he says I am just trying to cause arguments. Basically like every man he feels he does nothing wrong and I just nag him. He refuses to go to couples counsiling. I know he is not cheating on me because I have checked up on him (something I would have never done before).
I am ready to go back to work and file for divorce. I have never felt so alone in my life, and I am really tired of not having my needs met and fighting every other day. Any sort of input or perspective would be nice and appreciated.
I am at a loss of what to do, so thought I would post for some advice.
My husband and I have been married for going on 7 years. I am 29 and he is 31. We have a 7 month old son whom we both adore more than anything. Before the baby I was extremley focused on my career, and never saw myself being a stay at home mom. But, as soon as the baby was born I couldn't imagine leaving him and we are lucky enough that I am able to stay home with him.
This is when the problems in our marriage started to begin. My husband has always worked and had two nights a week when he hung out with his friends. Prior to the baby I would go and hang out with the guys too no problem. On friday nights they play pool for a couple of hours at a local dive bar, and have a few beers.
Since the baby has been born this has continued except now of course I am at home all day alone with the baby and it continues into the evening on those nights. If I want a night out it's not an issue my husband will watch the baby no problem.
We don't have a lot of family that live in the area, but my mother in law comes to town once every 4-6 weeks and we usually have a few hours alone for the date night around then.
Problem is I feel me and my life has changed very much since the baby and my husband just gets to continue on like he always has. I resent him for it and I know it's wrong, but I can't help. Not that I don't enjoy being home I love every second with my baby. I feel left out of my husbands life now and feel that I have made sacrafices and he gets to live the same life.
I also feel like I get no attention from him now. I have to ask for a hug or he wouldn't give me one for days. I don't understand what has changed for him, I have lost all of my baby weight and I look exactly the same as I did prior to pregnancy. We still are intimate about once a week or so, but I feel the connection is just gone. I try to talk to him, but he says I am just trying to cause arguments. Basically like every man he feels he does nothing wrong and I just nag him. He refuses to go to couples counsiling. I know he is not cheating on me because I have checked up on him (something I would have never done before).
I am ready to go back to work and file for divorce. I have never felt so alone in my life, and I am really tired of not having my needs met and fighting every other day. Any sort of input or perspective would be nice and appreciated.
Thank you I know my husband is not a bad guy or father, and AHP84 I think you are right on with your post on how I am feeling. I am sure my husband feels unappreciated at times too. We both get so caught up in how we are feeling we don't really think about each other.
I think it would benefit me to work part time to have something for me and to feel like my old self again. The problem is that it would have to be something at night after my husband comes home because otherwise I would be working to pay for daycare and that doesn't make a whole lot of sense especially because we can use the extra money. So, I am looking for something right to fit my situation. I am going to be booking our first session today.
I think it would benefit me to work part time to have something for me and to feel like my old self again. The problem is that it would have to be something at night after my husband comes home because otherwise I would be working to pay for daycare and that doesn't make a whole lot of sense especially because we can use the extra money. So, I am looking for something right to fit my situation. I am going to be booking our first session today.
Just saw your post about you two agreeing to marriage counseling that you posted before I submitted my insanely long post (sorry!).
That's great! I really hope and pray for the best for you two!
That's great! I really hope and pray for the best for you two!
Thank you all for your replies we have agreed to go to cousiling which I think will help us both understand each other a bit better :)
I can understand where you are coming from. I'm not a SAHM and I never have been; except for summers, since I'm a teacher. Still, I do most (up to 95%) of the housework and childcare- related jobs in our house.
My DH and I have been married 11 yrs and have 4 children. There have been quite a few times when I *seriously* considered divorce, that I can look back on now and see as just a "rough patch". Most of them involved fights "of who does more", or "who works harder". DH does physical labor; I teach 8th grade. :)
Anyway, I just felt the need to respond to you and say please do nt give up on your marriage. The balance in a marriage shifts and changes, and hopefully as time goes on your hubby will become more involved. Right now, my DH does nearly ALL of the cooking and laundry, because he's not working as many hrs as I am right now. It helps a lot. He still rarely (never) keeps the kids for me, but at times I just insist. Like tonight, I am taking the older 3 kids skating with friends from church, and I just told him that he is keeping the little one (18 months). BTW, church is another great place to meet people. :)
Sorry if I'm rambling. OH! And if you wanna go back to work, do it! Talk to him about it, find a p/t sitter or daycare position, and give it a try! It may make a world of difference. Depending on my DH for $ would make me resentful, too, and i have seen quite a few posts recently with a similar perspective. Best wishes!!
My DH and I have been married 11 yrs and have 4 children. There have been quite a few times when I *seriously* considered divorce, that I can look back on now and see as just a "rough patch". Most of them involved fights "of who does more", or "who works harder". DH does physical labor; I teach 8th grade. :)
Anyway, I just felt the need to respond to you and say please do nt give up on your marriage. The balance in a marriage shifts and changes, and hopefully as time goes on your hubby will become more involved. Right now, my DH does nearly ALL of the cooking and laundry, because he's not working as many hrs as I am right now. It helps a lot. He still rarely (never) keeps the kids for me, but at times I just insist. Like tonight, I am taking the older 3 kids skating with friends from church, and I just told him that he is keeping the little one (18 months). BTW, church is another great place to meet people. :)
Sorry if I'm rambling. OH! And if you wanna go back to work, do it! Talk to him about it, find a p/t sitter or daycare position, and give it a try! It may make a world of difference. Depending on my DH for $ would make me resentful, too, and i have seen quite a few posts recently with a similar perspective. Best wishes!!
Hang in there momma. If he has paid vacation get him to stay home and be mr mom for a day or 2? That got my husbands attention and put in more effort to include me in some of our pre baby fun
Hi Heather.
First, I think you need to reread your post, and realize that although you say you aren't, you are resentful that you are a stay at home mom. Until you really are honest with yourself, and stop making statements like "Not that I don't enjoy being home I love every second with my baby". The message comes out pretty clearly that you don't enjoy every second, and are resentful that you are at home while (quoting), "I have made sacrifices and he gets to live the same life". Implied, you wish that you were living the same life as before too.
I'm not trying to be critical, I am a stay at home mom too and just being honest about feelings will help you get through this. Unless you can call your feelings what they are, and say them as you feel them, you will remain stuck in this pattern.
You need a bunch of mom friends. Being in a weekly playgroup with 5 - 6 other moms, and a regular library story hour, and the park and gymboree and other things babies and moms do will make your life very enjoyable and the full.
On the other hand, not everyone wants to be a full time mom. If you are ready to divorce him you feel so resentful, maybe getting back to your career and putting your baby in day care would be better than a broken home.
First, I think you need to reread your post, and realize that although you say you aren't, you are resentful that you are a stay at home mom. Until you really are honest with yourself, and stop making statements like "Not that I don't enjoy being home I love every second with my baby". The message comes out pretty clearly that you don't enjoy every second, and are resentful that you are at home while (quoting), "I have made sacrifices and he gets to live the same life". Implied, you wish that you were living the same life as before too.
I'm not trying to be critical, I am a stay at home mom too and just being honest about feelings will help you get through this. Unless you can call your feelings what they are, and say them as you feel them, you will remain stuck in this pattern.
You need a bunch of mom friends. Being in a weekly playgroup with 5 - 6 other moms, and a regular library story hour, and the park and gymboree and other things babies and moms do will make your life very enjoyable and the full.
On the other hand, not everyone wants to be a full time mom. If you are ready to divorce him you feel so resentful, maybe getting back to your career and putting your baby in day care would be better than a broken home.
wanted to add that most of our fights are the "whos job is harder" type of fight. I pionted out that we should be working together to help each other because ther are equally hard jobs. We have both been trying but something dumb comes up every other day :( not always me but I cause my share. He would never admit that. Last night the fight was about me having access to the safe. We have all of our legal docs in there and he wont give me the combo because is guns are in there. I hate guns I wont even touch one,
but what if something happens how would i get the legal papers? Makes me feel he is hiding something in there.
but what if something happens how would i get the legal papers? Makes me feel he is hiding something in there.
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When I read your statements, "Problem is I feel me and my life has changed very much since the baby and my husband just gets to continue on like he always has. I resent him for it and I know it's wrong, but I can't help. Not that I don't enjoy being home I love every second with my baby. I feel left out of my husbands life now and feel that I have made sacrafices and he gets to live the same life," my first thought, before reading any further, was, "Why not go back to work?"
I couldn't agree more with RockRose's statemment, "If you are ready to divorce him [because] you feel so resentful, maybe getting back to your career and putting your baby in day care would be better than a broken home."
I don't want to sound like I just don't get where you're coming from and I'm being judgemental and jumping to conclusions. I've never been a SAHM, but I have felt intense resentment (and still do, actually) towards the father of my oldest son for the same reasons you stated--I have literally made EVERY sacrifice in my life for my child; basically put my life "on hold" when it comes to pursuing all my dreams and even just my everyday interactions. I can't just pick up and go somewhere or decide I want to do something because I have a child (well, two children now...but I'm referring to when I was a single parent for the first 4½ years of my son's life) I need to put first. My son's a-hole of a "father" though, has never made much of an effort to form a bond with his child, help me out beyond his legal obligation of pathetic child support ($147/month), continues to pop in and out of our son's life it seems whenever he remembers his son even exists, and all the while, he's continued his life almost like nothing ever happened. He's always been able to go where he wants, do what he wants--it seems never giving our son or me a second thought that our lives should mean something to him, or that he could be decent enough to acknowledge what I've done to give our son the best life possible while picking up the slack that he dumped on me. So believe me, I understand the resentment when you feel as if you're the one who makes every effort to raise your child and maintain your home and life while feeling like your child's father should acknowledge, consider, respect, and help you with what you do.
But the difference between my situation and yours is that you're married and I never was--and your husband, although he may be clueless as to how you feel right now, is not contemplating divorce AND he is working and contributing to your lives and marriage, as far as keeping your home together. In my case, I was not married, working full time, maintaining my home and raising my child--everything--while my now-ex-boyfriend was a full time student working a part time job and basically barely passing his classes, wouldn't help me around the house, wasn't a good dad, he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and spent all his money on driving places to go hang out with friends, drink, smoke weed, smoke cigarettes, buy x-box games and DVDs. After *trying* to put up with that for two years after having our son, I couldn't take it anymore.
So all I'm saying here is that, from what you've written, your husband doesn't sound like such a bad guy...just clueless and stubborn. And in the meantime, you're feeling resentful because ALL your focus goes into being raising your child and maintaining the home, knowing what you once had before your baby...and seeing that your husband still "has" that but you've given it up when that doesn't have to be necessary.
I've had both my kids in daycare from the time they were six weeks old because I'm a full time working mom and I have to be right now, as I'm the main source of income for my family. My husband is a full time student and has one year left before he graduates and he works a part time co-op position. As much as I'd love to be a SAHM, for the same reason you love it--being able to spend each day with your child--I can also see where it could lead to how you feel now...knowing I was once "the breadwinner" who was working my way "up the ladder" financially year after year, then giving that all up for my kids and my home but then seeing that my husband didn't seem to fully appreciate or respect that, I'd have a rough time with that as well.
That's why I'd suggest going back to work, at least maybe part time, so you can re-direct your focus away from your resentment for awhile. In my situation, with me working full time and my husband being a student and working, neither of us have the time to put 100% focus into any one thing at home at any given time, including the kids--therefore we NEED to depend on each other to share the load. Neither one of us can claim one does more work over the other, because neither of us is putting forth 100% effort into just any one or two things. In your case, you're home all day and can devote 100% into your child and the housework, while your husband can devote 100% to his job. So he really doesn't expect to have much to do when he is home, except occasionally watch the baby so you can go out from time to time, just as you expect him to work to support you staying home. But as you said, therein lies the problem, because you're both getting what you want, but maybe your expectations are too much of each other now, or misunderstood, which of course won't solve itself if he refuses to go to marriage counseling.
So I'd suggest that you try working again, part time at least, until things maybe settle down between you two and then you can re-address the issue. I really don't think, in the long run, it's worth breaking up your home and seven years of marriage over resentment and feeling misunderstood and unappreciated if all it takes is some time to work through it in what can hopefully be an effective way. You've only had these problems for seven months--I really hope you give this situation some extra time to recover before deciding on a divorce. Marriages are going to have rough points to work through, and some of those issues are going to take more than a year or two to work through, but the question is, are you going to try?
And having your child in daycare isn't such a bad thing, if you're nervous about it. If you find a good daycare that you're really happy with, your child can be involved in great things that he really enjoys that are specifically centered around his age of development.