Aa
Marriage..
So i have a one month old and am still with my baby daddy, hes a great father and has been a great boyfriend. Lately i've really wanted to get married and ill joke about it but he will get upset because i guess a lot of people have been asking him if hes gonna propose and if we are gonna get married. I really want to but he doesnt want to ask me when hes feeling pressured...but i wanna know how can i go about not thinking about it so much/wanting it so bad. I just wanna get married :/
I wasn't sure if he was feeling pressured about marriage because he didn't want to do it OR he does want to, but when he is good and ready.
After reading your last post, sounds like it might just be an issue where he wants to do this at his own pace and not at everyone else's pace.
Some people just don't like to be forced to do "this or that" or do "this and that" in a particular order. Sounds like he is one of those people. I am the same way, so I can understand that.
After reading your last post, sounds like it might just be an issue where he wants to do this at his own pace and not at everyone else's pace.
Some people just don't like to be forced to do "this or that" or do "this and that" in a particular order. Sounds like he is one of those people. I am the same way, so I can understand that.
I think I see the problem more that people should have relationships with people who aren't going to compromise their values, views and beliefs. This all should be determined BEFORE bringing children into the mix; all the particulars should be worked out BEFORE starting a family with someone. The problem is some people don't do this PRIOR to bringing children into a relationship.
I do think ideally children should be brought into a home where two people are married, however, I DON'T believe everyone has to be married if he/she wants children; perhaps this is related to the fact Europeans don't overstress marriage). I DO believe children should be brought into a union where two people are in a long-term, healthy and committed relationship SHARING the same values, views and beliefs.
Children are brought too often into this world because couples are hoping the children are going to change the situation between them or women are hoping it will entice their men into wanting to get married; changing their mind about marriage.....in other words, sometimes children are used in ways they shouldn't be.
If your idea of life doesn't JIVE with someone else's children definitely shouldn't be brought into the mix in the hopes to convince someone to adopt your idea of life......NEVER works.
I do think ideally children should be brought into a home where two people are married, however, I DON'T believe everyone has to be married if he/she wants children; perhaps this is related to the fact Europeans don't overstress marriage). I DO believe children should be brought into a union where two people are in a long-term, healthy and committed relationship SHARING the same values, views and beliefs.
Children are brought too often into this world because couples are hoping the children are going to change the situation between them or women are hoping it will entice their men into wanting to get married; changing their mind about marriage.....in other words, sometimes children are used in ways they shouldn't be.
If your idea of life doesn't JIVE with someone else's children definitely shouldn't be brought into the mix in the hopes to convince someone to adopt your idea of life......NEVER works.
He wants to propose on his own time instead of right away because of people pushing him to do it. He does want to get married but not right away. His parents have been happily married for 30+ years so i dont think thats an issue. But he had me look at rings so maybe things are progressing:)
I SO agree with NurseGirl6572. Babies are a LifeTime Commitment. Mommy and Daddy ARE commited to this Child FOREVER - there will ultimately be GrandBabies to share and even Great GrandBabies (that IS a lifetime!!). So, personally, I don't get it that some are so willing to commit to Children - but not Marriage? No one has made me understand this. Also, I think the Children would feel more secure knowing Mommy and Daddy are not only in Love with One Another but they have "Sealed" that commitment with Marriage, that Mommy and Daddy trust and believe in Marriage, Commitment, and Family.
In my thinking, making babies is the BIGGEST commitment of all. Why would anyone be all right with making THAT commitment but be "wary" or "afraid" to Marry. I truely don't understand.
In my thinking, making babies is the BIGGEST commitment of all. Why would anyone be all right with making THAT commitment but be "wary" or "afraid" to Marry. I truely don't understand.
Unfortunately, in the curent times, a lot of young people are going about marriage and children backwards compared to the traditional way. There are very good reasons for doing things in a certain order. It just makes more sense, for one...to date, get to know your partner, maybe live together and see how compatible you are with one another, then start discussing forever plans. Doing it that way adds an element of security to the relationship. That's not to say that people who go about things backwards aren't successful in their relationships, but again, there is a lot to be said for the security and confidence thatthe traditional route will add to the union.
A lot of people in your generation have lost their respect for the institution of marriage for a lot of reasons. For one, the incredibly high divorce rate, with a lot of kids coming from broken homes would sour a person's views about matrimony. Also, they are seeing their friends have babies out of wedlock, and the more that happens, the more "acceptable" the practice becomes.
The time to talk about each of your views about marriage and commitment would have been BEFORE you started having children, but, like I said above, it is a different time than that of our parents and grandparents.
While you and your BF certainly could still live a commited life and raise a family without that piece of paper, there ARE a lot of practical advantages to being legally married. A few that come to mind are the legalities...if something should happen to one of you, you would automatically be the next of kin and entitled to any assets. That doesn't always happen when people aren't married. It's also a lot easier to get things like insurance, a mortgage, etc. The law varies from state to state about "common law" marriages, but most of them don't recognize a union as being legally binding for at least 7-10 years, and most times, there are still more "rights" associated with the legal marriage versus common law.
The other advantages to getting legally married is that, for some, it forces them to take the commitment more seriously. Some young people almost view a non-married set up as "playing house", and many of them basically continue to live as though they are single, without taking the level of responsibility necessary, especially when there are children involved.
You definitely don't want to pressure your BF into doing something he doesn't want to do, but there DOES, at some point, need to be a serious discussion among you two about the topic. If being married is something that is very important to you, and he's never willing to go there, it may cause resentment in your relationship. You really need to do a lot of thinking about that.
If you come to a decision down the line that you are NOT going to get legally married, then at least put in place legal documents that indicate things like beneficiaries, next of kin, etc. You would both need to draw up legal papers...wills, guardianship for your children in the event you both should die, those kinds of things. Most people don't know that if both parents should die, even IF there are willing family members to take over, if there are no guardianship papers, the children would become wards of the state, andf custody becomes a legal nightmare. Everyone should have these kinds of documents, but the difference is, for a married couple, if there was no will, the law automatically recognizes the spouse as the next of kin in the event of death. It's hard for a young person to think of such unpleaant things as death and funerals, life insurance, etc...but as a parent, it is a MUST that you put these provisions in place. Most documents can be found online. Do a google search.
The very best advice I could have for you, besides the above is...IF this is a really big deal to you, and you feel nothing is close to being resolved, definitely refrain from having more children, until it IS resolved. Women falsely think that adding more children to the mix may force their partner to become more willing to commit. That backfires all the time. And often, adding more children only complicates things. Just be sure to wait until you both have decided what you want. He may hold his ground and never marry you, and you have to dig deep and decide if you would be okay with that.
Best of luck to you all, congrats on the new baby!
A lot of people in your generation have lost their respect for the institution of marriage for a lot of reasons. For one, the incredibly high divorce rate, with a lot of kids coming from broken homes would sour a person's views about matrimony. Also, they are seeing their friends have babies out of wedlock, and the more that happens, the more "acceptable" the practice becomes.
The time to talk about each of your views about marriage and commitment would have been BEFORE you started having children, but, like I said above, it is a different time than that of our parents and grandparents.
While you and your BF certainly could still live a commited life and raise a family without that piece of paper, there ARE a lot of practical advantages to being legally married. A few that come to mind are the legalities...if something should happen to one of you, you would automatically be the next of kin and entitled to any assets. That doesn't always happen when people aren't married. It's also a lot easier to get things like insurance, a mortgage, etc. The law varies from state to state about "common law" marriages, but most of them don't recognize a union as being legally binding for at least 7-10 years, and most times, there are still more "rights" associated with the legal marriage versus common law.
The other advantages to getting legally married is that, for some, it forces them to take the commitment more seriously. Some young people almost view a non-married set up as "playing house", and many of them basically continue to live as though they are single, without taking the level of responsibility necessary, especially when there are children involved.
You definitely don't want to pressure your BF into doing something he doesn't want to do, but there DOES, at some point, need to be a serious discussion among you two about the topic. If being married is something that is very important to you, and he's never willing to go there, it may cause resentment in your relationship. You really need to do a lot of thinking about that.
If you come to a decision down the line that you are NOT going to get legally married, then at least put in place legal documents that indicate things like beneficiaries, next of kin, etc. You would both need to draw up legal papers...wills, guardianship for your children in the event you both should die, those kinds of things. Most people don't know that if both parents should die, even IF there are willing family members to take over, if there are no guardianship papers, the children would become wards of the state, andf custody becomes a legal nightmare. Everyone should have these kinds of documents, but the difference is, for a married couple, if there was no will, the law automatically recognizes the spouse as the next of kin in the event of death. It's hard for a young person to think of such unpleaant things as death and funerals, life insurance, etc...but as a parent, it is a MUST that you put these provisions in place. Most documents can be found online. Do a google search.
The very best advice I could have for you, besides the above is...IF this is a really big deal to you, and you feel nothing is close to being resolved, definitely refrain from having more children, until it IS resolved. Women falsely think that adding more children to the mix may force their partner to become more willing to commit. That backfires all the time. And often, adding more children only complicates things. Just be sure to wait until you both have decided what you want. He may hold his ground and never marry you, and you have to dig deep and decide if you would be okay with that.
Best of luck to you all, congrats on the new baby!
How can you not think about it? Think about everyone's physical and mental health first. Without that, you've got nothing. Take a look at how the relationship is going without getting married. (You said he is a good father and good provider.)
Just a suggestion.... marriage doesn't always equate happiness or a healthy marriage. Marriage also doesn't mean "forever", unfortunately.
You've got a lot of things to think about. You also need to be able to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your BF. I can totally understand him being in retreat mode if he thinks he's being pressured, so use some tact when having this discussion. "Marry me or else" is probably not the thing you want to say if you have any feelings for this guy. Get creative, no tricks
Just a suggestion.... marriage doesn't always equate happiness or a healthy marriage. Marriage also doesn't mean "forever", unfortunately.
You've got a lot of things to think about. You also need to be able to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your BF. I can totally understand him being in retreat mode if he thinks he's being pressured, so use some tact when having this discussion. "Marry me or else" is probably not the thing you want to say if you have any feelings for this guy. Get creative, no tricks
I would say instead of joking about it, seriously talk to him. Let him know how you feel and ask him what are his thoughts. The fact that he gets upset when the subject is brought up or feels 'pressured' indicates that he may not be ready but feels guilty that everyone else thinks he should be.
Sadly, if these are his thoughts then I wouldn't look forward to a wedding anytime soon. Also, there is no telling when he will be ready. Women are usually more clear cut on the subject of marriage -- its either they really do not want to or they really do want to. Men sometimes have a different path in mind, many of them don't get the point of marriage. Its a mind thing, no matter how committed they are to you, marriage just makes it too REAL.
Talk to him, adult to adult, find out where his head is at. If he wants to get married then great, ask him what is the hold up. If he doesn't or he doesn't anytime soon, then its up to you to decide, if you can live with that.
Take care dear!
xoxoxoxo Anna
Sadly, if these are his thoughts then I wouldn't look forward to a wedding anytime soon. Also, there is no telling when he will be ready. Women are usually more clear cut on the subject of marriage -- its either they really do not want to or they really do want to. Men sometimes have a different path in mind, many of them don't get the point of marriage. Its a mind thing, no matter how committed they are to you, marriage just makes it too REAL.
Talk to him, adult to adult, find out where his head is at. If he wants to get married then great, ask him what is the hold up. If he doesn't or he doesn't anytime soon, then its up to you to decide, if you can live with that.
Take care dear!
xoxoxoxo Anna
Let me ask you this.....was he clear from the beginning of the relationship that he didn't want to get married or didn't believe in marriage?
Are your bf's parents married still?
Sounds like marriage is very important to you and I really don't have any tips on how to not think about it so much or not want it so bad. Besides, I would NEVER encourage someone to forget about something that is super importantn to them. This is how you see your future.....nothing wrong with that at all. You want the father of your baby to be your husband.....sounds logical to me.
Are your bf's parents married still?
Sounds like marriage is very important to you and I really don't have any tips on how to not think about it so much or not want it so bad. Besides, I would NEVER encourage someone to forget about something that is super importantn to them. This is how you see your future.....nothing wrong with that at all. You want the father of your baby to be your husband.....sounds logical to me.
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