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Married, in an abusive relationship - I love another man

Hello, I really need your help to give me advice on my situation. This is a very long post I hope you have the time to read it all I will appreciate it a lot.

I have been married now for 10 years to my husband, we have 2 kids that are now 5 years old that I love more than anything. I have wanted to leave my husband for years before I even met this other man, I have fought hard those 10 years for our relationship but during it I told him many times I am leaving him due to his terrible attitude, he promised to change each time, begging me to stay, and each time I did. I gave him so many chances but he refuse to change. He has neglected me my whole marriage, it got so bad that there were problems with our baby when I was pregnant, I raised our kids on my own while he plays games 16 hours a day. I was never looked after but I tried to understand him. He is always breaking things when mad and at one point physically struck me. Our children have not lived with us for years, currently living with his aunt.

He has threatened my family and anything bad that happens to them, even death, he tells me they deserved it. He tells me he still loves me and refuses to let me go and crying in his room every day. I cannot report anything to the police because I live in a third world country where the police will not help my situation. I just want to be free, I don't want to revenge him or give him trouble. I cannot divorce, I have no money to afford it but my husband can, he won't though. I have asked him to go to marriage counselling with me but he refuse, says we don't need it, that he has done nothing wrong and that it's all my fault. (This i before I met the other guy). I have always been blamed my entire marriage for everything. He tells me I am the one with a bad attitude, that I'm lucky to have him because all other men are worse. Sadly I actually believed him for a long time. I was so young and he is much older. My family have a lot of bad experience with men. I haven't told any of my family about the way he treats me, I do not want to hurt them, they think he is a perfect husband and happy for me.

Fast forward many years I then met this guy who at the time we're just close friends, but after a long period of time I learn he is the person who has everything I want in a man, I feel so in love and so happy every time I think of him, and he feels the same way. He knows my situation and supports me through it, he doesn't want me to rush anything, and that I need to make the decision on my own. Maybe you will ask, "How can you be sure he is serious and loves you?". I know this in my heart, he would never cheat on me and leave me, our bond is stronger than I have ever felt with my husband even when I was in love with him at the start. We have not had sex, and though we want to he will not allow it while I'm still in this relationship and it makes me love him more he won't take advantage or using me as some sort of thrill.

Now here is where the big problems start. I have of course talked with my husband about all of our past but he refuses to take any responsibility for what he's done and blames this other man for our entire relationship ruined. When in my eyes, it was ruined before I met this man. My husband knows I love this guy, and I was honest about everything that's going on.

After I told him the truth my husband started dating other women, going to her home and taking her out places. I guess it was a rebound because now he's no longer talking to her and he is starting to change everything who he was. He is buying me gifts and being nice to me, he really change after all these years of abuse, neglect, physical and emotional pain he caused me. I would cry every night for years and only now he is doing something. Now I feel it's too late, because I love someone else, someone my husband already has seen in person, but we had no feelings for each other at that point of time.

He threatens to kill him for stealing me and if I go with him, he also threatens to kill himself if I leave. He blames everything on this person, even though he was not part of our life for all those years of my pain. In fact my life has only started being happy thanks to him, and my husband only started to change once I already fall for this other man. Without this man entering my life my husband would not have changed at all. Apart from my children, who aren't living with us for years, this man is the reason I am so happy. I actually wake up with a smile on my face which hasn't happened for 8 years. Sometimes I think the worst but the thought of being with this other guy and my children keep me strong.

I've told this man every detail my husband has done to me all these years, so much that I can't cover in this post. I could write an entire book. He knows what my husband would do to him but he said if he have the chance to make me happy, even a small chance we can be together, he would risk everything. Maybe we are just crazy, like Romeo and Juliet but we all know how that ended.

Do you think it's wrong of me to leave my husband? He is now a hard worker, never cheated, and has supported me and our children all these years.

I am tired of life with him, every time I see him I feel repulsed. I just want to be with the person I love and who has been there for me more in 1 month than my husband has in 10 years. He has never complained, never treat me badly or hurt me in any way. I can't believe he exists, I have never met someone more caring and concerned for my well being.

Do you think I could be with this other man or is it a doomed relationship? I can't lose him, he is the reason for everything that makes me happy, cutting him off I know would be the biggest regret of my life. We were friends for a long time prior, he was just always there for me, he never tried to steal me, he even tried to help my relationship with my husband by giving great advice to try and save my marriage before we had feelings for another. I could come to him for anything, because every time I want to talk things over with my husband he just gets mad at me, shouts and breaks things. He believes he is never wrong.

Eventually I got to know this guy and I fell in love, we both did, and had no plan for this to happen. This guy accepts all of my past and  accepts my children, and that he would treat them as his own. All  through my marriage I never looked at another man, men call me, talk to me all the time and I dismiss them always because marriage is very important to me, but it's gotten to a point that the marriage is too hurtful for me to continue. My husband was never like this at first, he was the sweetest man and it's why I fall for him in the first place, but he changed into this bad attitude person that I didn't recognize shortly after we married. I feel I am trapped.

What are your thoughts about my situation, am I right and should leave, or I am terribly wrong, my husband is right and should stay?

How would this affect my children, would their life be destroyed if I leave him? That's the last thing I want to do. If not for my children I would already given up the relationship years ago, but I worry so much they will hate me forever, and ruin their life. He might tell them I don't love them and I left them cause I don't care which is completely false because I care so much about them.

I don't know what to do, please give advice. If you can't then please give your personal honest opinion on my situation,

Thank you.
7 Responses
134578 tn?1602101550
Hello, anon, one thing that is certain is that your husband will pour lies into the ears of your children if you leave him.  That will just be the way it is.  I would do what I could to let the whole story be known to your family, not perhaps that you have fallen in love with someone else, but all the rest.  They might be able to give you culturally appropriate advice.  Your husband will surely try to make you look like a crazy liar, so you might even wish to put a pocket tape recorder in your bag some night when he is on a rampage and tape him, so your family can hear that what you are saying is true.  Part of the box you are in, is that you have not told your family what has been going on all these years.

Of course the other guy will look to you like everything you might want, because the man to whom you are married is making you so unhappy.  It is too bad you told him about the other guy, because now even if you left your husband and never went to this guy, your husband will blame him.  It sounds to me like he would even get violent.

What is the plan for your children, that they will continue to live with the aunt as long as you and your husband are married?  Their lives would not change much if you left your husband, then, except that he would go to great pains to convince them that you do not love them, and to keep you from them.

How are the laws in your country?  Would you be kept from your children if there was a divorce?
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi there.  Sorry for your difficulty.  Dealing with two things.  The first is the other man.  That's wrong.  It's as simple as that.  No matter what was going on in your marriage, it is a bad choice for you to 'fall for', be involved with or pursue anything with another man.  YOU broke your vows.  There is no excuse for that in my opinion.  AND, it will most likely not work with you and this man as he knows that you WILL find someone else while with him if you are unhappy.  As that is the history that he knows about, is a part of, etc.  He will never fully trust you (and maybe legitimately he shouldn't) and this ends up causing issues down the road.  This is why relationships that overlap fail the majority of the time.  Don't think I'm beating up on you!!  I know that putting a band aid on life with a new man is something that many do but wanted to just lay it out there how I see it from my perspective in a factual way.  Taking the emotion out of it that you feel.  I understand where you are coming from but still feel this about the relationship with the other man.

So, the second issue, clearly your husband has significant issues.  He sounds dangerous.  He's threatening the lives of you and others.  Are there laws for this in your country?  What are laws for divorce?  I agree completely that you should not be with this man.  So, then it is the logistics of how to get out of it.  Do you have support of your parents and family?  

But getting out of that does not mean you should be with the other man.  I'm sorry if that is blunt.  I know it is easy to do.  Go from one to another if we are afraid of being on our own or that seems impossible.  But in order to heal and have a healthy relationship in the future, that is what has to happen.  We have to have a space between relationships in my opinion.

I wish you the very VERY best and hope that you get free of your husband.  We are here and I know I'd like to help along the way with support.  peace
17332246 tn?1456408426
Don’t think you still love the person you are willing to cheat on. If you are actively looking to cheat then: when that feeling goes, so does the love. So think about the next time you choose to cheat. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone else, someone new. But don’t think you still love the person you’re willing to hurt just because you want a short-term burst of passion or trying to fulfilling a fantasy. If you love them fulfill your fantasy with them. If you truly loved them, you’d say good-bye either to the idea of cheating or to the person you loved.

Call me crazy, but I think there's a lot of components in love. If you genuinely love someone, you respect them, for starters. You also emotionally support them, give them a high-five when they do something great, care for them when they're sick in bed with the flu, stand by them when things get scary, hold their hand when they need you, and look toward to the future together as a partnership. That's what love is. So when you cheat on your spouse, you’re cheating on all of that. You’re betraying every single one of those components and essentially making a mockery of what you once dared to call love
134578 tn?1602101550
BluEyes, she is saying she is repulsed by her husband, not that she loves him.  She is also not cheating (physically).  Scolding her not to think she loves her husband seems a waste of breath.  She is very clear that any love she had for him died long ago, after he threatened to kill her and all the other things he did.
13167 tn?1327194124
I'm sorry,  I didn't read past your kids are not living with you anymore,  they are living with an aunt.

Make a beeline to your kids.  Get your kids,  and raise them,  and love them,  and I don't know all the rest about your husband not loving you and now this new guy,  whatever.

Leave the men,  get to your kids,  and focus completely on them.  
But if she lives in a third-world country where the laws do not favor the woman in a divorce, and the children are with his aunt, can she go get them?
13167 tn?1327194124
Well, she's currently married to their dad and they don't have physical custody,  who knows why.  And then in the middle of her very long,  meandering story she says:

"Do you think it's wrong of me to leave my husband? He is now a hard worker, never cheated, and has supported me and our children all these years".

This,  after describing the period where he was cheating on her.

So,  I have no idea what to advise her,  except to refocus on her children and away from these men.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I took from this that the children have been sent to the Aunt because the relationship with the husband is angry and violent and then hear that he's a hard worker that has supported the children and her all of these years.? I'm confused. I think that the poster if confused. Is her husband, the the culture, capable of killing her or this other man? for their interest in one another? Would it be worth dying to be with this other man, and leave your children with a much older father  who is at this time, not taking physical custody of his own children? I think not.
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13167 tn?1327194124
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