Aa
Married but loving Another
I'm a married woman for 26 years. My marriage has been a roller coaster ride for the entire time but we have two grown children and I feel that it's a loveless marriage. He is a total control freak and micro manages everything I do. I have felt lost and alone and unloved.
About a year and a half ago I met a man who took my breath away. I wasn't looking since I had accepted my fate, but he just happened. Every time we went into his establishment we would smile at each other and he would make eye contact. Each time he got friendlier and friendlier. He started kissing my hand then kissing my cheeks and then hugging me. He's European so it's acceptable. My husband would pass remarks about how he was always all over me. This man would run and sit with me when my husband went to the restroom. It was very flattering. He then would cook special dishes for us. A total sweetheart and I ate it up.
My husband likes this man (how can you not like him, he's charming, handsome, debonair and classy) and he's single. Clearly there is chemistry between us because it's very noticible to everyone.
In he beginning I was very concerned that he would put his arm around me and treat me like a queen because I was worried that my husband would do something to him, but I was loving the attention. And then it happened. I fell in love with this man. He is the complete opposite of my husband, he is kind gentle, soft spoken, just everything I desire and we are good with each other. But that's as far as it goes.
One day after not seeing him for a month I asked him if we could have coffee and he jumped at the opportunity. We just sat and talked for 1/2 hour and I told him that I liked him a little too much and that I would like for us to be friends and get to know each other better. But that I would never cheat on my husband so he didn't have to worry about that.
We talk and I stop by every so often and we have gotten to know each other more and every time I see him I fall I love with him all over again. We never went any further, we just hug each other and kiss on the cheeks but we maintain eye contact for long periods of time. He always teases me in a nice way and I tease him back. We laugh and then we could just stop and look into each other's eyes in complete silence. We have this unspoken connection.
He knows how I feel about him (I don't have to tell him) but I'm not sure how he feels about me. I know he likes me a lot, but he's a very respectable man and would never disrespect my husband. I know that I put him in an awkward position by telling him that i liked him because I scared him. He started backing off a little but it was hard for both of us. But he doesn't answer my messages any more and he was away for a month so when he came home I went to see him. He was surprised to see me and tried to tell me that he had to leave but then he said wait for me I'll be right back. We spent about 1 1/2 hours together just talking and I asked him if he was going to answer my texts. And he shyly said "No". When I asked him why he said that he has a conscience and feels guilty and that maybe I should only see him when there are more people around.
He said that we can't cross the line, we have to keep apart. So I asked him "have we crossed the line?" And he said "no, not yet". Then I said so does the wean that we will cross the line and we just looked at each other. He's afraid to be alone with me and I'm afraid to be alone with him. But yet he wants me to come and see him at the other place.
I won't cheat on my husband even though I am in my heart and I feel guilty just seeing this man publicly, and he feels guilty too and I don't know what to do. I can't avoid him completely because we frequently eat there and I'm friends with everyone. Also if I don't see him I feel as though my heart is being ripped out, but I don't want him to feel guilty because I'm so I. Love with him and I don't want him to get hurt. But I'm in so much pain because I know I will never be with him.
I know that I feel guilty because of my feelings and I can't tell my husband.....but Why would he feel guilty texting me and/or being alone with me? I have narrowed it down.....
1. He's not interested in me and does not want to encourage me
2. He is interested and is afraid that if we're alone that something will happen and ten what?
Please if you have any good advice I would love opinions, but don't be cruel and say it's just a crush or you should channel your energy to your husband. Just real answers please....
About a year and a half ago I met a man who took my breath away. I wasn't looking since I had accepted my fate, but he just happened. Every time we went into his establishment we would smile at each other and he would make eye contact. Each time he got friendlier and friendlier. He started kissing my hand then kissing my cheeks and then hugging me. He's European so it's acceptable. My husband would pass remarks about how he was always all over me. This man would run and sit with me when my husband went to the restroom. It was very flattering. He then would cook special dishes for us. A total sweetheart and I ate it up.
My husband likes this man (how can you not like him, he's charming, handsome, debonair and classy) and he's single. Clearly there is chemistry between us because it's very noticible to everyone.
In he beginning I was very concerned that he would put his arm around me and treat me like a queen because I was worried that my husband would do something to him, but I was loving the attention. And then it happened. I fell in love with this man. He is the complete opposite of my husband, he is kind gentle, soft spoken, just everything I desire and we are good with each other. But that's as far as it goes.
One day after not seeing him for a month I asked him if we could have coffee and he jumped at the opportunity. We just sat and talked for 1/2 hour and I told him that I liked him a little too much and that I would like for us to be friends and get to know each other better. But that I would never cheat on my husband so he didn't have to worry about that.
We talk and I stop by every so often and we have gotten to know each other more and every time I see him I fall I love with him all over again. We never went any further, we just hug each other and kiss on the cheeks but we maintain eye contact for long periods of time. He always teases me in a nice way and I tease him back. We laugh and then we could just stop and look into each other's eyes in complete silence. We have this unspoken connection.
He knows how I feel about him (I don't have to tell him) but I'm not sure how he feels about me. I know he likes me a lot, but he's a very respectable man and would never disrespect my husband. I know that I put him in an awkward position by telling him that i liked him because I scared him. He started backing off a little but it was hard for both of us. But he doesn't answer my messages any more and he was away for a month so when he came home I went to see him. He was surprised to see me and tried to tell me that he had to leave but then he said wait for me I'll be right back. We spent about 1 1/2 hours together just talking and I asked him if he was going to answer my texts. And he shyly said "No". When I asked him why he said that he has a conscience and feels guilty and that maybe I should only see him when there are more people around.
He said that we can't cross the line, we have to keep apart. So I asked him "have we crossed the line?" And he said "no, not yet". Then I said so does the wean that we will cross the line and we just looked at each other. He's afraid to be alone with me and I'm afraid to be alone with him. But yet he wants me to come and see him at the other place.
I won't cheat on my husband even though I am in my heart and I feel guilty just seeing this man publicly, and he feels guilty too and I don't know what to do. I can't avoid him completely because we frequently eat there and I'm friends with everyone. Also if I don't see him I feel as though my heart is being ripped out, but I don't want him to feel guilty because I'm so I. Love with him and I don't want him to get hurt. But I'm in so much pain because I know I will never be with him.
I know that I feel guilty because of my feelings and I can't tell my husband.....but Why would he feel guilty texting me and/or being alone with me? I have narrowed it down.....
1. He's not interested in me and does not want to encourage me
2. He is interested and is afraid that if we're alone that something will happen and ten what?
Please if you have any good advice I would love opinions, but don't be cruel and say it's just a crush or you should channel your energy to your husband. Just real answers please....
Who says you only need to be two in a marriage. Seems like you like each other all three, so what is the problem?;)
On the other hand, if your marriage is loveless and so on, why do you stay with your husband? Maybe you should leave him regardless of the other man. But first I think you should try counseling, you may want to feel that you tried everything before you left and there is a chance he could actually change for the better, right?
On the other hand, if your marriage is loveless and so on, why do you stay with your husband? Maybe you should leave him regardless of the other man. But first I think you should try counseling, you may want to feel that you tried everything before you left and there is a chance he could actually change for the better, right?
Find some new hobbies, bake cookies, etc................whatever. Find a POSITIVE distraction quick.
"Married but loving Another".................Your title says it all hon.
"Married but loving Another".................Your title says it all hon.
Agree with SM.
No one stated you were naive and it doesn't matter about the children per se. What MATTERS is you are married and carrying on an emotional affair with this man. It's not a physical affair, but none the less it is an affair. You even told this man about how you felt which indicates to me you are/were interested in taking things to another level.
You are fantasizing about this guy hon................reread your initial post. That doesn't sound like someone talking about just being platonic friends with someone.
Then you go on to say:
"I know that I feel guilty because of my feelings and I can't tell my husband.....but Why would he feel guilty texting me and/or being alone with me? I have narrowed it down.....
1. He's not interested in me and does not want to encourage me
2. He is interested and is afraid that if we're alone that something will happen and ten what?"..............This doesn't sound like someone talking about a platonic friend.
Why would you be posting here IF you already made your mind up to be friends with this guy and that you weren't interested in nothing more?
This guy gets it and that's why he is pulling away............he knows this isn't right; doesn't matter if he's into you are not................married woman=wrong.
No one stated you were naive and it doesn't matter about the children per se. What MATTERS is you are married and carrying on an emotional affair with this man. It's not a physical affair, but none the less it is an affair. You even told this man about how you felt which indicates to me you are/were interested in taking things to another level.
You are fantasizing about this guy hon................reread your initial post. That doesn't sound like someone talking about just being platonic friends with someone.
Then you go on to say:
"I know that I feel guilty because of my feelings and I can't tell my husband.....but Why would he feel guilty texting me and/or being alone with me? I have narrowed it down.....
1. He's not interested in me and does not want to encourage me
2. He is interested and is afraid that if we're alone that something will happen and ten what?"..............This doesn't sound like someone talking about a platonic friend.
Why would you be posting here IF you already made your mind up to be friends with this guy and that you weren't interested in nothing more?
This guy gets it and that's why he is pulling away............he knows this isn't right; doesn't matter if he's into you are not................married woman=wrong.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi again. Well, what is confusing is that you say you are only friends . . . and then go on to say it is more than a crush because crushes only last 4 months and this has been over a year (I've had some very LONG crushes, by the way).
Please don't fool yourself as that won't help anyone. Especially you. You are emotionally fantasizing about another man. I get it, I really do. You've been unhappy and this is an escape from that.
But I would try to work on the marriage or work on ending the marriage without the involvement of another person. Once you know which direction you are going and are headed there, THEN you can know what is best.
I think it is a wise decision to not contact the man, go to his establishment and forget about this as it is unhealthy to fixate on someone that you say a friend while married.
Wishing you lots of luck. Plenty of women stay for the kids and then have to figure out what to do for their own happiness once the kids are gone. You are at that point dear. good luck
Please don't fool yourself as that won't help anyone. Especially you. You are emotionally fantasizing about another man. I get it, I really do. You've been unhappy and this is an escape from that.
But I would try to work on the marriage or work on ending the marriage without the involvement of another person. Once you know which direction you are going and are headed there, THEN you can know what is best.
I think it is a wise decision to not contact the man, go to his establishment and forget about this as it is unhealthy to fixate on someone that you say a friend while married.
Wishing you lots of luck. Plenty of women stay for the kids and then have to figure out what to do for their own happiness once the kids are gone. You are at that point dear. good luck
First, thanks for your responses. Look I'm not naive and my children are adults in their 20's. Next, my relationship with this man is only friends. We have never taken it to a higher level and we both won't. We are always in public and we only talk. He is my friend . Period. But we are attracted to each other. I've been considering divorce for my own sake, not to be with another man.
But this man does make me feel alive and worthy of something better than an abusive controlling husband. Just being in his presence is exhilarating. Even being alone would be better than the situation I'm in right now.
I know I should have kept my feelings to myself so I've decided to leave him alone and not go to his establishment anymore. It will be hard since it's a place where we go often and it will raise questions from everyone. Especially him. But I can't have this knot in my stomach every time I see him and I can't have him feel uncomfortable around me.
Maybe it's just a crush but crushes usually only last for 4 months. This is well over a year. Anyway thanks it's good to get a new perspective on the situation.
But this man does make me feel alive and worthy of something better than an abusive controlling husband. Just being in his presence is exhilarating. Even being alone would be better than the situation I'm in right now.
I know I should have kept my feelings to myself so I've decided to leave him alone and not go to his establishment anymore. It will be hard since it's a place where we go often and it will raise questions from everyone. Especially him. But I can't have this knot in my stomach every time I see him and I can't have him feel uncomfortable around me.
Maybe it's just a crush but crushes usually only last for 4 months. This is well over a year. Anyway thanks it's good to get a new perspective on the situation.
First, thanks for your responses. Look I'm not naive and my children are adults in their 20's. Next, my relationship with this man is only friends. We have never taken it to a higher level and we both won't. We are always in public and we only talk. He is my friend . Period. But we are attracted to each other. I've been considering divorce for my own sake, not to be with another man.
But this man does make me feel alive and worthy of something better than an abusive controlling husband. Just being in his presence is exhilarating. Even being alone would be better than the situation I'm in right now.
I know I should have kept my feelings to myself so I've decided to leave him alone and not go to his establishment anymore. It will be hard since it's a place where we go often and it will raise questions from everyone. Especially him. But I can't have this knot in my stomach every time I see him and I can't have him feel uncomfortable around me.
Maybe it's just a crush but crushes usually only last for 4 months. This is well over a year. Anyway thanks it's good to get a new perspective on the situation.
But this man does make me feel alive and worthy of something better than an abusive controlling husband. Just being in his presence is exhilarating. Even being alone would be better than the situation I'm in right now.
I know I should have kept my feelings to myself so I've decided to leave him alone and not go to his establishment anymore. It will be hard since it's a place where we go often and it will raise questions from everyone. Especially him. But I can't have this knot in my stomach every time I see him and I can't have him feel uncomfortable around me.
Maybe it's just a crush but crushes usually only last for 4 months. This is well over a year. Anyway thanks it's good to get a new perspective on the situation.
Energy and lifes excitment.
Instead of using your lifes energy fantisizing on a human relationship which is bound to lose its fire, i would suggest to channeling it to creating a financial success story. Come up with a product idea, have it Patented and really see some excitement develop!
Instead of using your lifes energy fantisizing on a human relationship which is bound to lose its fire, i would suggest to channeling it to creating a financial success story. Come up with a product idea, have it Patented and really see some excitement develop!
Hi,
Allow me to play devils advocate for a moment, say you were to throw all caution to the wind, and you secretly started a passionate affair with this handsome fellow and fell madly in love. Sounds exciting right? What would happen if someone were to find out, and your secret was no longer safe? Your husband would probably be devastated, your children would most likely take pity on their father and possibly treat you with disdain. It would probably cause so much shame and embarrassment for the gentleman you've been carrying on with, that he would pack up and leave town, and you would be left on your own to face all the nasty rumors and have to deal with the relationships that you ruined by having an affair...
The grass is always greener on the other side... If you were separated from your husband, and headed for divorce, I'd say go for it! ~ but you aren't, so it's better to admire him from a distance. And, how do you know that he doesn't treat other attractive women the same way he treats you?
Keep him as fantasy material only, doesn't mean you can't be friends :)
Take Care
Allow me to play devils advocate for a moment, say you were to throw all caution to the wind, and you secretly started a passionate affair with this handsome fellow and fell madly in love. Sounds exciting right? What would happen if someone were to find out, and your secret was no longer safe? Your husband would probably be devastated, your children would most likely take pity on their father and possibly treat you with disdain. It would probably cause so much shame and embarrassment for the gentleman you've been carrying on with, that he would pack up and leave town, and you would be left on your own to face all the nasty rumors and have to deal with the relationships that you ruined by having an affair...
The grass is always greener on the other side... If you were separated from your husband, and headed for divorce, I'd say go for it! ~ but you aren't, so it's better to admire him from a distance. And, how do you know that he doesn't treat other attractive women the same way he treats you?
Keep him as fantasy material only, doesn't mean you can't be friends :)
Take Care
I don't think you are "in love" with this guy; I think you are "in love" with the escape from your real situation.
"I know that I feel guilty because of my feelings and I can't tell my husband.....but Why would he feel guilty texting me and/or being alone with me? I have narrowed it down.....
1. He's not interested in me and does not want to encourage me
2. He is interested and is afraid that if we're alone that something will happen and ten what?".................Are you serious? Don't you think he can feel guilty too? You are the wife of a friend. Hon, it is apparent this man KNOWS the difference between right and wrong. He is a GENTLEMAN with a conscience. He knows this isn't right. Did he ask you to come to his new place alone or with your husband? No decent person would be carrying on an affair with his friend's wife. If your husband finds out it could be the end of your marriage and then you are taking the risk this other man would want nothing to do with you too. He has already suggested backing off. Not to be rude, but you sound like some starry-eyed high school teen who is not even thinking about the situation in a realistic manner.
Maybe he isn't interested in you or he is attracted to you and doesn't want things to go any further.................WHO KNOWS, but we KNOW you are a married woman and this isn't the solution to your less-than-ideal marriage that you feel trapped in.
I would recommend you discontinue contact with this guy via text, email, etc..............NO meeting up ALONE. Seek counseling so that you can sort this out in a better manner in regards to this guy and your marriage.
Hey, if the marriage is done...........it's done, but don't resort to these tactics. End it properly and then move on. Emotional affairs and/or physical affairs aren't the way to go PERIOD. BTW: You are having an emotional affair.
1. He's not interested in me and does not want to encourage me
2. He is interested and is afraid that if we're alone that something will happen and ten what?".................Are you serious? Don't you think he can feel guilty too? You are the wife of a friend. Hon, it is apparent this man KNOWS the difference between right and wrong. He is a GENTLEMAN with a conscience. He knows this isn't right. Did he ask you to come to his new place alone or with your husband? No decent person would be carrying on an affair with his friend's wife. If your husband finds out it could be the end of your marriage and then you are taking the risk this other man would want nothing to do with you too. He has already suggested backing off. Not to be rude, but you sound like some starry-eyed high school teen who is not even thinking about the situation in a realistic manner.
Maybe he isn't interested in you or he is attracted to you and doesn't want things to go any further.................WHO KNOWS, but we KNOW you are a married woman and this isn't the solution to your less-than-ideal marriage that you feel trapped in.
I would recommend you discontinue contact with this guy via text, email, etc..............NO meeting up ALONE. Seek counseling so that you can sort this out in a better manner in regards to this guy and your marriage.
Hey, if the marriage is done...........it's done, but don't resort to these tactics. End it properly and then move on. Emotional affairs and/or physical affairs aren't the way to go PERIOD. BTW: You are having an emotional affair.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I do want to say that I am sorry that you are in this situation. I'm sure it is confusing to be in this spot. So many years of being unhappy in your marriage and then this new thing is so exciting and feels good. Almost intoxicating in a way.
But like many things that are intoxicating, it might not be good for you hon.
At the very least, do you think it would help for you to talk to a therapist to sort out your feelings?
Wishing you all the best. I WILL say that we all deserve to be happy! And you do too. Just try to do things in an appropriate order so that you don't ultimately make yourself MORE unhappy. You don't have to stay married. But if you ARE married, then do not play with fire with another man. good luck dear and we are here to talk to and vent to as needed
But like many things that are intoxicating, it might not be good for you hon.
At the very least, do you think it would help for you to talk to a therapist to sort out your feelings?
Wishing you all the best. I WILL say that we all deserve to be happy! And you do too. Just try to do things in an appropriate order so that you don't ultimately make yourself MORE unhappy. You don't have to stay married. But if you ARE married, then do not play with fire with another man. good luck dear and we are here to talk to and vent to as needed
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, I can not advise you to have crushes, affairs or ponder what if with another man until you are officially divorced. Relationships that begin before that point rarely work out because the new man will know that you are capable of cheating and you know that he is capable of pursuing someone in an unethical way. The character questions you both would have of each other would haunt the relationship. So, you need to decide to leave your husband, date NO ONE for a good while and then find someone under circumstances that are on the up and up.
Cheating includes emotional affairs. It really hurts when this happens.
In answering your question, perhaps the man just feels it is best to cut ties and I'd have to agree. He doesn't want to be your band aid to make yourself feel better hon.
What about counseling with your husband?
Cheating includes emotional affairs. It really hurts when this happens.
In answering your question, perhaps the man just feels it is best to cut ties and I'd have to agree. He doesn't want to be your band aid to make yourself feel better hon.
What about counseling with your husband?
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