Hi there. Sorry your mom is so difficult and has been such a negative in your life for so long.
a couple of things. It IS hard when someone has hurt someone you love. You worry about your loved one and it is hard to let go of the anger toward the party that has done the hurting. Even when your loved one has done their best to move on and made their own decision, it can be hard. I have a dear girlfriend that shared some horrible things about her husband. After the fact, she ended up forgiving him. But I can never look at him the same. I try, I stay quiet and don't say much about him at all. But I can not lie, it has changed my thoughts on him and I'm not sure it will ever go back to the way it was before. And this puts stress on our friendship because she KNOWS I KNOW and she KNOWS WHAT I THINK and she wants to get past it and looking at me has become a reminder of what her husband did. Even when I don't say anything.
that is something that I think we forget. It is a lot to expect those you love to forget and just forgive the bad deeds of those that hurt our loved ones. It 'may' happen but it takes time. You are motivated to forgive your husband and get on with life and that is your option, but since your mom loves you and doesn't have that same motivation or depth of feeling for your husband, she will take much longer to remove the image of your hurt and pain from her mind.
And that is if she is functioning emotionally in a healthy way, which she isn't due to her bipolar.
Now, she isn't doing the right thing by fighting with you and throwing what he's done in your face and just spewing hate. that does no good. You've made your decision and I'm sure ultimately she just wants you to be happy. That is what I want for my friend. I hope beyond hope that all works out for my friend and she is happy. I say nothing about the things I know about her husband and cheer them on as a couple. And that would be nice if that is what your mom did even if she still struggles internally with the hurt your husband caused you.
but, your mom has a long history of issues. I think you are right to minimize contact with her. If she is not treating her bipolar fully, that is unfortunate but it is really HER responsibility. I hate when someone talks of talking someone out of suicide. because, someone killing themselves is totally their own act. Good lord, the pressure of feeling like you have to 'save' your mom every time she is cycling into depression must be horrible for you and I'm sorry you have had to be there through that. But you are an adult and need to take care of your own sanity and emotions and it is too much to ask for you to have this kind of pressure and responsibility for the rest of your life regarding your mom who doesn't seem to take medication regularly or do what she needs to do to treat her bipolar.
Now, what I would do regarding your husband is this---- do not argue. Do not say much at all. Just say simply "thanks for sharing our feelings mom." Then tell her you have to get going because you have to do X. Just leave it at that. Then she feels heard and you get to get off the phone and go on about your life without much effort.
I know it is hard because you are trying to heal and every time she brings this up and harps on him and you, it is opening the wound again. But try to stay firm and acknowledge her feelings but live your own life.
Hope that helps as I know that issues with our parents can hurt us in ways that are deep. peace
Thanks specialmom, and yes it's hard. My dad stays away from her and quiet when her bipolar is acting up. Even worse there has been times he takes her side knowing that she doesn't even know what she is saying at times. Anything to keep from actually having to face her depression and the fact she is having a moment. My brother learned to do like my father but she needs someone to talk to. She needs someone to make her feel like someone is there. It just is hard. I have tried to distance myself when she becomes to much. But then she says I don't care about her or anyone else. She says I don't do enough for my family. And this is all if I don't call her one day, minding you she calls me and still gets to talk to me.
My husband gets frustrated that we can't have one day with it just being about us. But he tries to be understanding at the same time. But what makes it even harder is that even if I call everyday and ask about the family, she still finds something's to yell and hollar about. So I guess my husband is right maybe I should just do for us one day. I just feel like a bad daughter.
My mom took care of her mom everyday the last two years of her life and probably longer then that. So, I think she feels I should be there for her. Besides that my dad and his brothers and sisters lived with his parents all the way til their mom passed away. My brother stayed home as I said but I didn't. She feels sort of betrayed that I wanted out. I just can't live with them. I just pray The Lord gives me guidance.