Motive for love...

[Beliven]

A little about me. I am an attractive, 32 year old  female who is chronically ill (with what doesn't matter and will not benefit the outcome of the answer.) I can't have sex and I get around much like a arthritic person.

I recently had the man I'm dating tell me he loves me, but I have a hard time believing him because of the issues I stated above. I am finding myself questioning his motives.

My family has money and although I know that any man I marry can't touch it, I still feel like he may be lying to me because I don't see how he could possibly love me in my condition. It is a fact that for men, sex comes first in a relationship. I'm afraid that if I allow myself to have feelings for this person, I will just get my heart broken.

Is there other reasons a man might stay loyal to a woman if they can't offer sex, health or vitality?

[RockRose]

This post is a puzzle,  and I'm kind of surprised why you won't say what the condition is.  I don't know of many illnesses where a woman can't have sex,  but can work a job,  and appears arthritic but is very beautiful.  HIV comes to mind,  but it doesn't seem like that's what you're describing.

There are reasons men will hang on to a beautiful woman who can't have sex.  The man himself doesn't want sex (for whatever varied reason),  but wants to be in a relationship.

But I am kind of burning with curiosity about your specific conditions.

Best wishes.

[Londres70]

"It is a fact that for men, sex comes first in a relationship.".......I can't agree with that.  It isn't a good idea to generalized men into one group.

"My family has money and although I know that any man I marry can't touch it, I still feel like he may be lying to me because I don't see how he could possibly love me in my condition."   Then, you go on to say "If you have a sick girl with money... The best part o that equation is money. "Money talks" as my dad would say."  Those statements are contradictory.

Are these YOUR ideas and thoughts OR your parents?  

Have you dated alot in the past?  Doesn't sound like it.

You come across as a bit too sheltered meaning you are heavily influenced by your parents in regards to how they want your life to be.

How long have you known this guy you just met online?  

Sounds like you are painting the situation HOPELESS AND BLACK and not even giving it a chance.  You are MORE than a "female part" and I am sure you have MORE to offer someone then sex.  

Just because a woman is able to have sex doesn't mean the man is going to be sticking around.  

Perhaps, just perhaps this man is the "real McCoy."  Give him the benefit of the doubt and see where this relationship goes.  

I am sure your parents mean well, BUT they need to let you make your OWN decision about this.  

[nursegirl6572]

Without knowing what condition you deal with, it's hard to say if you're being fully honest with yourself about what you can and can't do.  There are people who are very disabled who have found ways to get creative sexually.  There ARE ways to have intimacy, even if the standard traditional ways won't suffice.

It sounds like you have your mind made up about a lot of things...that you're making a lot of assumptions, and I'm wondering if that's coming from someone else (like your parents) talking in your ear?  In some cases, sadly, people become more dependent than they need to be...I would hate for that to be the case for you.  Just some food for thought.

If you cannot live independently of your parents at all in any way, what plans do you have for the furture when God forbid, they pass?  Hopefully you have a plan in place.

This will be my last relationship either way. I don't have the energy to date anymore.

I'm sure there are a lot of challenges, but honestly, with everything you write about, it sounds like you've already made up your mind.  I don't think you're willing to think outside the box too much.  Just my opinion.  I wish you the best!

[Beliven]

No, I can not live independently of them. I work for the family business. If I were to work elsewhere I would get fired due to my health issues. I only make $12 an hour so you can imagine how hard it is to pay bills. They provide my medical. If I were to leave the situation, I could not make it on my own. I've been denied government help and that is that. I am unable to perform in any sexual means. I have amongst other things arthritis in my hands and bad jaw problems. I am unfortunately out of luck in that department. So you can imagine why I have a hard time trusting that someone actually loves me. I am beginning to believe that I am ment to be alone. I have been alone for the most part all of my life save for my parents and grandma... And they will die before me. I don't have real friends because I can't hang out with people... I had to meet my current boyfriend on the Internet. I am not a catch. I can see that, but for some unknown reason he thinks so. I don't understand. I don't feel I can love him back until I do. When I ask him why he gets offended. He immediately tells me to stop listening to my mom... But I have no proof that she is wrong. Please understand that I am capable of a long term relationship. I had one that lasted 5.5 years in fact, but I was not sick then. This will be my last relationship either way. I don't have the energy to date anymore. My choices are either commit to a relationship with bad odds and probable heartbreak or just commit to being alone. I don't like either choice, but that was the cross I was given. If he would just communicate and give me a good reason to believe him I would feel much better about this. Instead I feel he is hiding something do to his lack of communication. He says that his saying "I love you" should be enough. It can't be that easy. To me it seems like he is fishing and the "I love you" is the worm. Why can't he tell me WHY he loves me? Why is it offensive for me to ask him to give me a reason?

[specialmom]

Well, in all seriousness, I'm glad your parents have money but is there any way you can live more independently from that?  They sound intertwined in your life.  And regardless of having money,

Do you have your own place?  Do you work?  I would try to do these things for a couple of reasons if you do not-----  including building your self esteem.  I also think that this makes the 'prize' of your inherited money less obvious and maybe you can get a better feel about what man is interested in you or interested in the lifestyle your family money offers.  

While I do believe there are good people out there---  there absolutely are men that will date for lifestyle. Not ever having a sexual relationship with a partner is probably a deal breaker for many men.  I don't know if you have this conversation or if it is just understood.  That's tricky to handle the right way.  Because there are sexual things you can do even if intercourse is off the table.  But you are basically also needing to find someone that doesn't want to have children or a traditional lifestyle.  Makes it a bit harder.

So, it is your judgement call whether this particular guy is genuine or not.  Hopefully he is.  I would just see where it goes and look for signs that he's after something or not.  One way, again, is to not live on the family money for a time period and live by your own means.  good luck

[Beliven]

I believe I would have a hard time with ANY man saying that they would love someone like me. I'm good looking no doubt... Most men I have dated wanted nothing but sex. My issues are chronic and one issue has no cure. My parents seem to think that I am only good for their money. I do see a therapist, but all she says is that I need to respect myself more an see what a great person I am... but I am a rational person, and I can see where my parents are coming from. If you have a sick girl with money... The best part o that equation is money. "Money talks" as my dad would say. I just don't want to believe that is true in this case.

[specialmom]

Hi there. Well, sorry about your health condition----  is there no way to recover?  

I don't know how long you've been dating this man or how it started, how close you are etc.  I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt here.

I would do this if I were you, I'd go see a therapist.  What you really need to determine is whether you will doubt ANY man and any situation or if it is particular to this situation.  You might not fully be able to explore this on your own and a professional would really help.

I do not think that a man puts sex before everything else.  Lots of things can happen during the lifetime of a relationship and loyalty and love would outweigh sexual release.  

But this relationship starts off this way.  Not that many men will agree to a totally sexless life right from the get go.  But I'm sure there are some who would.  

But I think you need to determine if this is an internal relationship regarding all men or if it is an issue with this man in particular.  good luck