My Boyfriend is Addicted to Porn

[sammie_s]

Okay my question is this.  I have been with this guy for a year and a half.  I didn't really know anything about him when we got together and about four months after we were together I realized things had gotten weird in the relationship.  Then one day I heard noises from the other room; sexual noises.  I got really upset because I knew what was going on after a few minutes.  I ended up in tears and didn't have the courage to confront him.  I finally did confront him about some pictures of his ex and the porn I found.  He said he watched it for education.  I knew better but I believed him.  Well, it has gotten really bad.  I finally broke down and told him if he wanted to watch it then he could at least include me in on it.  I thought that would keep him from lying to me and going behind my back.  It hasn't.  I asked him about it one day when I got home from running his errands and he denied it but I am positive that's what he was doing.  He downloads something new every day or at least every day he knows I am at work and probably won't see it.  It really bothers me that he has to lie to me about it.  Then when we do anything together I feel like a used rag doll after.  He tells me he loves me so why does he lie to me and make me feel like ****.  I have told him it makes me feel bad about myself and it's like he doesn't care.  I am to the point that I am ready to leave.  Should I just pack my stuff and get out?  I mean he obviously isn't going to change and it hurts me everyday I find more.  I need some real help here.

[Kirstie_MHModerator]

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[linzmarie]

Only commenting on the insecurity thing. Men know who their women are! They know if their ladies confident, conceided, insecure, or straight up bat **** low self esteem. A Healthy relationship consists of two people in agreement to have respect for one an others needs, boundaries, and values. There's nothing wrong with being insecure about pornography. Everyone's different. But that guys choosing to be with her as she is. Fact of the matter is, he wants to see another chick naked  so he can imagine having sex with her. That's the bottom line of his argument for watching it. The stomach curling pain and insecurity that it causes a women to feel is his reason not to. The feeling of my heart and soul dropping to my ankles hurts a lot more than an orgasm feels good. In fact the feeling can halt a woman's ability to orgasm for indefinite amounts of time. Throw that on a justice scale is it really that hard to understand? No, a mans want (not NEED)to see a female other than the one he chose to be with does not matter as much to a relationship as the trust and respect that's ignored in order to do it. If he actually wants to be with his women, then harming the relationship to watch porn is straight up retarded. Society keeps finding ways to make women feel they are wrong for being who they are and men have the right idea. I think that's *** backwards and individuals should respect individuals and not sex respecting sex.

[T_Wizzle13]

I'm going through the same exact thing. I have no clue what to do. I love my boyfriend so much and don't want to leave because of the fear of it hurting too much. But he will delete his history and I know that means he's been on porn. It's really hurting me. And he is hardly ever in the mood for sex. But he ALWAYS wants and almost expects blow jobs or hand jobs. I very rarely get anything in return.

[thatquietgirl]

I would suggest making a new topic for your own question/situation.  This thread is nearly six years old.

That being said, loneliness doesn't mean lack of sexual satisfaction.  Loneliness can mean an emotional loneliness.  What do you two do outside of the bedroom?  How often do you two talk?  If the answer is "not much" to either or both I would look into changing that and see if that helps.  It could also be your lack of willingness to give something up for him is making him feel distant from you, making him wonder why he doesn't matter enough for you to meet a request he made.

[shmell]

.I myself being a 27 yr old female, absolutly love porn. I am in a 2 yr relationship w/a guy who did not like me watching it. I was told it made him feel insecure, and he even asked me if i would think about stopping watching it.now he used to b a well built guy back in the day..and lets just say he seems to have let himself go..and he's not all that well endowed either..but i love him regaurdless..and figured this is where his insecurites came from.Come to find out though he secretly did like porn..b/c it was all over his computer history,and through out his phone..so i finally just  asked him about it..b/c i could see more and more of him watching it recently. i was just curious if he didn't like me watching it..than why was he than. When asked though he told me he did it b/c he was feeling lonley..me and him both have  sex maybe around 3-4 times a week.,i am a very sexual person.and i like to say attractive. So i was thrown off by this "lonliness" for a example we could have had sex on a wed night.and his history can say he was watching it thur morning...i now am confused and a little hurt that thats why he says he is watching it now. can anybody else relate to this situation. just curious and confused..and want to get someone else's opinion

[erikka89]

leave him
its awfull
a thing of boys
nor real men u know
idiot
leave

[CheyanneLee]

I have been having the same problem with my boyfriend and his porn addiction. I have been with him for 4 years, when we first moved in together I found a few porn DVD's in one of his gym bags...I didn't really think much of it and figured he hadn't watched them in a long time, as time went on when we were living together...THEN...thats when I started to notice that this is way more than just a typical guy looking at porn every once in a great while, I looked at the history on our computer and would see all these porn sites he visited, I didn't say anything to him about it at first, then he would wait till I would fall asleep and he would order porn movies from on demand, when the cable bill came...then I confronted him about it and he said that he was "sorry" and the only reason he did that was because he was "bored" and "couldn't sleep", but he kept doing it and it would make me think "WTF" because we would have sex everyday, I could understand if a guy was single and lonely, maybe someone who hasn't had sex in a long time would look at it, but when my boyfriend does...it makes me feel like our sex life isn't good enough for him or I'M not good enough for him, he would always tell me not to "take it personal" and would say "its not like im cheating on you or anything" well to me..it sort of is cheating, he goes behind my back and does it, he lies to me about it, I always know when he lies about looking at porn cause when I ask him about it..he can't even look me in the eye and has the word "GUILTY" written all over him. I have even caught him masturbating looking at porn late at night and he didn't realize I was standing right behind him as he was doing that, then once he saw me, he stopped and then changed the channel..and whe I said "wtf are you doing?" he said "what? i wasn't masturbating, I was scratching my leg" bullsh** what makes me the most angry is he thinks he can insult my intelligence. I am at the point where he has to make a choice..its either me or looking at trashy women who don't even know he exsists. I can no longer just sit back and let this go on when it hurts my feelings everytime he looks at that crap.

[jlq0630]

     I completely agree with you and I don't care much for the "therapist's" answer.  When porn gets in the way of a having a healthy sex life with your partner it IS a serious problem!  I think the only hope is a serious committment on the man's part to get help for this problem.  You'll definately know either way if he's serious about working things out with you.  I don't know if I can stay with him knowing what I know now because I feel betrayed and cheated out of a healthy sex life.  time will tell I guess....

[michaelangelonez]

Basically you are not ready to leave him. You don't sound like you are convinced enough. Try getting him to seek help as he is obviously addicted. Also try and get through some of your fantasies together. Being in a relationship does not mean not having fun. If that does not work and you can see that it will affect your life and future then end it. Not knowing who you will get into a relationship with in the future should not be a deciding factor.

Good luck

[munecamya]

I dont know what to tell you but I did experiece the things u are. except i waas pregnant and he watched porn behind my back. i didnt find out until my ninth month and he said he knew it was wrong. the deal is that the longer they watch the more sick minded they become and the more they watch. my daughter is turning three in a few days and i was outta town i just got home to see MY computer to have porn while I was gone, I have argued in the past and he claims to know its wrong. So i stayed. yet if they know its wrong why continue? being pregnant makes us feel unatractive even after labor.. So think about how bad ull feel wen he masturbates to porn instead of respecting uand ur baby.. trust me u feel horrible. one fat because of baby, and two ur man is watching other girls intead of u. THis harmed my self esteem and for three yrs ive put up with it..and trust me it feels worse to leave later because u trust n he fails u trust again. and he fails. u end up being weaker than what u are right now that ur pregnant. Id say plz think about it!

[specialmom]

I think you miss the point of addiction Nancy,  it isn't about sex.  It is about release and it is about hiding and it is about using something to keep emotion at bay and to escape.  He's unhealthy emotionally if he is addicted to porn.  Addiction to porn isn't just viewing it occasionally and enjoying it but that it is a prominent role in your life to the detriment of other relationships.  His only bet to recover is psychological and addiction counseling and unless you look at it that way, you'll never win the battle.  It isn't about you in a wig, it is about his emotional need to escape.  And prepare yourself, if he kicks porn addiction, it often reverts to another method of self medicating.  You live with someone unhealthy and that you have taken it upon yourself to think it has something to do with you (desperation to change your hair color, dress up and pretend to be someone you aren't) tells me that you are codependent.  Some counseling for you would be very very helpful for giving you clarity.  I do with you well but you need to keep in mind what is really going on here and it isn't about you.  good luck

[Nancy383267]

Here's a problem, my husband is also addicted to porn. So much so that we rarely have sex. In the past year only 10 times or so and he jacks off at least twice a day. I have of course tried to discuss it with him, tried to explain how it makes me feel to know that he is more interested in his hand and a computer screen than in me. He simply says all guys do it, and there is nothing wrong with it blah blah blah. And overall I would agree, if he only looked at porn when I wasn't home or available fine, great, i don't care. But to constantly choose porn over me, come on there must be something wrong. And before any of you men say its a matter of attractiveness, don't. I take very good care of myself, and keep in good shape etc. and I have only once in our entire relationship turned him down for sex, because I was feeling sick. ONE TIME!! If it was my choice we would be having sex at least 5 times a week. And here's the worst part, I decided to check out what exactly it is that he looks at (hopeful that I might be able to imitate it and make him choose me instead) and its all MILF porn. He likes to look at women more than twice my age and blonde with huge *****.....exclusively. So I have tried talking to him a couple times offered to dress up in costumes, offered to bleach my hair blonde (I'm a brunette) offered to fulfill any fantasy he has if he will just share it. And here's what he told me, he doesn't want me to be like that. Essentially, he wants me, his wife, to be pure and sweet, and brunette, (which I am) and no dirty stuff. Basically he wants one woman as his wife and the mother of his children, and he wants an old blonde woman who dresses up in costumes and takes it in the *** as his sexual fantasy. So where does this leave me? Yes he loves me but I am not attractive to him sexually. And he doesn't want me to be, in fact he won't let me try to become his fantasy. He wants his love and his sex life separate. And since he won't cheat (thankfully), he masterbates constantly and we never have sex.....what can I do?

[vix8]

yup. leave now! the worst part is that he is lying to. lying = trust issues = red flag = mental damage for a next new relationship. and pictures of his ex gf? oh god <3

[heart_broken621]

i am too stuck in the same situation,i've been with my boyfriend for a lil more than a year now, and now has a 5 month lil girl with him.. and ever since i got pregnant his thing for porn got worse, before we watched it togther, i stoped and he continued but bad! befor he goes to work he sets his alarm for a certin time just to come down stairs and watch it, i've cought him many times, like sure i just had a baby and my body is not the same, like i no i see it but he doesnt have to remind me of it.. he can go for months with not having sex with me and when he does the feelings arnt there i can feel it, he says he loves me but doesnt show me, he downloads it every day leaves it lying around. when im giving the baby a bath he watches it, ive tyred talking to him about it but then he ignores me.. i'm at the point where i dont no what to do ive tryed every thing, i feel like im stuck here because of my child with him, i need some good advice!!! :(

[icequeen81]

This is crazy. I truly started falling for my boyfriend of 8 months... but.... He's obsessed with getting off. If I spend a weekend with him he does it 2-3 times a day (perhaps more??) and sometimes wakes me up in bed while he's doing it under the sheets... he sometimes makes jokes about washing the sheets! He was even doing this while we were visiting his friends/family overnight! They would ask me where he was and it's sad because I have to lie for him (oh he has a stomach ache, that's why he's in the bathroom AGAIN for 20 mins)

I don't get it! We have great sex and sometimes I want to he and he looks at the clock and says "good night hun" and an hour later is jerking it! WTF! Sometimes I poke him and he runs into the bathroom or shower to finish. So stupid - like I want to cuddle/kiss after that!!! And he's all "what's wrong?"

I am so hurt and don't know what to do. Part of me is like "hey, I do it too" But when I am alone/miss being touched....He knows this... but I only do it a few times a month or when I am away from him a lot. I have dated over 12 men and never had this issue (this intense at least) He's only had 2 serious relationships and the longest was 7 months (I think I can see why!)
I know he works a lot and wants to release, and be less stressed, I am trying to understand.... but when is too much too much!??!! Should I say something!? I think it's ruining things.... I don't want to have to go through the numbers in my head when I reach for him, I want to want him not worry about doing him 6 times, 10 times, whatever to keep him from masturbating!

[secretyo2]

i m a guys and i watch porn too.
i did not have a woman so i need to get it off(excuse me)
occationally i only see a girl i like one a week at a gym.
i feel like if you are attractive to each other. then you should not hold it back or using it as a tool or create drama. Talk to your men. if you are satisfy him then he do not have to look at porn.
think about it, if he do not use porn but he go out and sleep with someone else or get a prostitute. it could get worst!!!

[beckcakes]

what about VIAGRA?!

im 33 and my boyfriend is 36. i found a porn dvd at his flat for the first time 4 weeks ago and got upset. i tried to keep my cool but realised i had to talk to him about it rather than letting it pickle my head! you see, i have had a problem with porn ever since i found my dads stash when i was about 6 years old.

dont get my wrong, i pretty much hated my dad anyway, but after that i associated porn with dirty old men. i do know that this is my issue and that 99% of men look at it, i just REALLY wish i had never found that dvd at my boyfriends. anyway, i explained everything to him and why i had this problem... he tried to reassure me and said he'd borrowed from a friend, it meant nothing and he wouldnt borrow another one as he could see how upset it made me.

fine. until i then found (accidentally) a huge stash of viagra pills..

hes very ruluctantly and understandably told me he has erectile dysfunction and cant maintain an erection. apparently its been that way for a good few years (weve been together 2 years). he claims hes buying the pills of the internet and self medicating for when he sees me (we dont live together).i was sooo understanding, reassured him it didnt make a difference to me, i love him and will go to see a doctor with him if thats what he wants. however, TODAY i have found another dvd.

my issue is, firstly, the lazy bleeder hasnt had a job for nearly 12 months, is doing seemingly nothing about looking for one, so i am already resenting him for that - which i have explained to him nicely. secondly, he is quite clearly spending his time necking viagra when im not there and watching porn... surely if he put as much energy into finding a damn job then he could get a life and stop getting off to these dvd's?

by the way, in my anger, i took the dvd from his flat this morning without him knowing and came home. i havent said anything and he has no idea ive found it as he wasnt there when i did. what the bloody hell do i do now? mention it, ignore it?

[someone4u]

How did you do it... leave... i am having the hardest time with that. I want to so bad, I know it would be better for me in the long run. but, just making that step and the fear of having no money. my daughter and grandchild live with me and fear of not being able to support them is hard. he not only his this addiction but he hates my daughter. calls her all kinds of names and says my grandchild is a product of a one night stand. this alone should be enough to get rid of him. i want him to leave but just making that step and fearing the unknown and not being able to support my family is frightening. i have been with him for 3 years

[someone4u]

I have been dealing with my boyfriend of 3 years being addicted to porn. Because of his addiction, we only are intimate a few times a year. He can not perform or just has no interest in the real stuff. He does not involve me in his porn. He said he would not feel comfortable. He watches it every night when I am at work, if I run to the store, he has it on his phone and he sneaks off at work to take care of business. I have offered for him to go to get counseling, he said i need to find a way to deal with it. I went on medication and went to counseling. I find that my life revolves around his addiction. I can not do anything for as I know just when I walk out the door the porn will be on. I have even gone outside for 10 min before and walked in on him. I do feel that it is cheating, I feel that if he is getting sexual gratification from other means than me it is cheating. I can understand that if I was not willing then fine. but i beg, i have to try and schedule a day when he can be good for a day or two so he can maybe perform. I do not know what to do. I am mentally exhausted and wore down. I wish he was infatuated with me.

[della2224]

I know exactly how u feel. My ex husband was addicted to porn. He was even in a few when he was 18 to make some quick money he said...It didnt matter how much sex we had he wuld always watch porn. I tried to act like it didnt bother me for a while, but it just got ridiculous. I walked in on him so many time that i just expected it. Needless to say we are not together anymore, but befor i ended things it was a nightly routine. He would stay up late every night and watch porn and masterbate..then come to bed. It made me feel horrible. I think its up to you and how u feel about the situation. Some women are ok with it, and some aren't.  Good Luck!

[Omusicgame]

So what, hes addicted to porn.  Its not like hes hooked on crack or anything.  Realize that to cure his appetite he needs to look at it.  But you are right girl, he should involve you in it.  Best of luck

[ness237]

Hey everyone.. I have a problem I know my boyfriend watches porn.. I did and kinda still do have a problem with it and its only because we dont have sex but like ones or twice every week or two.. I know Im problem just crazy and I know every guy does it.. But the main think that bothers me the most is him looking at girly on youtube dancing around half naked. I think porn would be better and I dont know why? I dont know what to do. He told me he isnt going to chance and every guy does it. But I think it would bother me as much if we had sex more. We have need together for 3 years now.. and our sex life before was great. Than after the first year if went down hill like a old couple. We dont have kids or anything. I dont know what his problems is. His reason he always says is I dont want to have a kid. When I tell him thats why Im taking this Effing depo shot for you and there is something call condoms. He said he hates condoms they arent comfortable to him.. But its the same excuses everytime.. I dont want to have a kid or I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont know why I dont want to have sex with you.. Well i know that answer is because of all the damn porn.. But anyways I was trying to get some answers as to fig out what to do?

[missdaisyd]

I'm dealing with the same thing. I met my boyfriend online in 2001 and we moved in together in 2007. I'm now 23 and he's 27. I didn't care that he looked at porn before we lived together because I wasn't here to satisfy him. But ever since I moved in I DO feel like I'm being cheated on. The first time I caught him, he was cybering with another girl and claimed that that wasn't cheating either.

I threw away his Girls Gone Wild videos and an extremely disgusting asian porn dvd when I first moved in and he never even said anything about it. I found searches for 'anal sex' and 'anal ****' on his phone and confronted him about it - we almost broke up that day. I've found it on his computer time and time again and he doesn't care that it hurts me.

There IS an issue with men (or even women) watching porn. If you're single, whatever.. but anyone in a happy, healthy relationship shoudn't need to.. or WANT TO.. look at porn. I satisfy my man any time, any day, any way he wants it and a lot of times that means that I don't get off, but he does.. and I'm okay with that because I like making him happy.

But we've been together for about five years now and I was hoping that he'd grow the hell up a little and get over this addiction. I've caught him more than once, found it on his phone and computer. I've found everything from gangbang videos to underage anime characters and back again.

Any man who is satisfied by his woman and still needs to look at porn needs some serious counseling.

He keeps making excuses as to why he does it. The first time it was because I had Mirena inserted and he didn't think I'd be able to have sex (that was the gangbang video day). He promised me that day, when I was ready to leave him, that it would NEVER happen again. The next time it was because I didn't "take care of him" before I went to work. So I started doing that - getting up early to take care of him. Then I came home one day.. he had 20 minutes from the time I left until the time he had to leave for work and he STILL looked up porn.

And then just yesterday I came home from work to find out that he'd looked up videos on yahoo again. Now I've installed Norton Family Safety Minder (he doesn't know yet) and all I enabled it to do is block porn, nothing else. We don't get internet access on our phones and we don't get PPV  through our cable.

He says "at least I'm not cheating on you". But to me, he may as well be cheating, because it's the same thing in my mind. If you're pleasuring yourself to another woman and then ignoring me when I want you later, there's a problem. You're IMAGINING yourself having sex with this other woman and that IS WRONG, no matter what kind of label you put on it.

The first step to overcoming an addiction is admitting to yourself and those you love that you have a problem and if you can't do that, you don't deserve the woman you're with.

My man and I are on thin ice right now. I love him with all my heart but I will NOT be second best, or a second thought, after porn.

[specialmom]

Oh dear.  Well, there is not much I can say then.  Unfortunately, you will do a lot of sacrfificing as you are now in this relationship.  I see in your writing, hallmark signs of not only him being in denial but you as well.  And that makes for a dysfunctional relationship.  I'm sorry to be so blunt but you have expressed here that you would like a normal relationship in the romance department.  You will not have that with him.  You've asked and he does not seem to mind one bit the way it is now.  He is addicted to porn and waits for you to be busy and then goes to town all the while not looking to you for his sexual needs at all or fulfilling any of yours.  This will carry over to other areas of your relationship as it continues.  By this I mean, if a partner brings a major concern to the other, his reaction tells you what this will be like in this relationship.  Basically, tough.  Get use to it.  

You did have an unusual begining and often when people make the leap you did, they were very hungry to be in a relationship.  You are in one now and maybe see it as better than nothing.  
And what you are willing to sacrifice for your man is up to you.  Who am I to say that it is wrong.  But you did write here telling us that this is a problem . . .

This is your life to live how you want.  But unfortunately, this is what it is.  You are with a man that does not value a need for intimacy with his partner, is addicted to porn, and is not interested in working on it to please you.  If you can live happily with that---------  then good.  If not, I don't know what the alternative is at this point other than to admit that this relationship (and man) is flawed.  I do wish you luck and hope you are able to figure it out.